GettingBy

Hugs to you Liz.

I went through a very similar car situation right and my ex and I decided to start the divorce process. I had car troubles and he behaved just like your husband. It was not about the money - it was about my ex wanted to exert control over me.

Our fights were rarely, if ever, about money or chores... The root of the problem was our desire to exert control over each other. And mostly my x getting abusive because I was typically one or two steps ahead... And he hated that.

I'm so glad you aren't going on the trip. You are moving in a great direction with your recovery

CentralOhioDad

And take my Wife along with your X.

Love the "RollTide" name BTW.. My 2.5 year old loves the Buckeyes and the Tide.

lizatola

I'm definitely looking forward to the 6 day break. He came home from his work trip last night in a pi**y mood, acting all mad at me. About what, I have no idea. He slept in the spare room last night. I don't care anymore nor will I ask him either.

You know, last summer he was going back and forth via email with his ex girlfriend whom he was with for 5 years before we got together. In one of her emails she states, "My mother and I were just saying that you were the one who got away." GAG! If only she knew, right? She's married with 3 kids now, but there's a part of me that says, YOU CAN HAVE HIM BACK. She probably doesn't realize that he's put on 50 pounds, gone bald, is an alcoholic, and has gotten meaner and more condescending and more racist as the years have gone on. In some of my more weaker mental moments, I have been known to 'think' about what it would be like to encourage this little affair to happen. Then, I shake myself back into reality and have to forget about fantasy land, LOL!

lizatola

Ok, I'm resurrecting this thread to vent a bit. AH has told me that he is going to expense his airport parking. No big deal, right, except for the fact that every year he makes a HUGE stink about paying for airport parking and how my mother is so stupid because she wouldn't drive to the airport to drop us off, etc and I'd sit there and go in circles defending my mom and making it clear to AH that she is taking time out of her life and paying her own way to come watch our son for the week so why can't he be grateful. Anyway, he tells me that he's always been allowed to expense the airport parking. UGH!!! What a douche.

For a while there I was really getting sad about missing this beautiful location and trip. Still glad I'm not going!

GettingBy

"what a douhe."

I love it. I say that about my XAH almost constantly. There is no better label for the jerk-a$$ behavior, is there?!??

I'm SOOO glad you're not going either!!

dandylion

LIZ, I am beginning to think that he should be the poster child for NARCISSISM!!!!!

dandylion

lizatola

Before he picked up the drinking again, I swore that NPD fit him perfectly. The world was out to get him, he could see no other person's point of view, he has to be right at all costs, everyone else is stupid and he's not(just ask him), humans are not to be trusted because they'll screw you(just ask him how), etc. He could watch the news about a murder in Chicago and find a way to make it about him(Mr White Man living in suburban Phoenix). It honestly was fascinating to listen to him wrap everything into a tidy little explanation of how it was all about him. CRAZY!

My mom and I were just talking about her inability to drive to the airport just the other day. It's not that she can't, it's that she just wasn't comfortable doing it in a strange city with my son in the car. I knew her reasons, especially if it was required for her to pick us up at night. AH would make it sound like she was being difficult on purpose and go on and on about how she's making our lives miserable and say, "What grown woman who's traveled the world can't find her way to an American cities airport? The signs are in English, for god's sake. What is wrong with your mother?" Anyway, like I said before, I'm just glad I'm not going.

I'm going back east to visit my mom in 2 weeks and we're taking my so to Williamsburg for a few days, he's studying Colonial America in his history class right now. I'm planning on talking to her about doing a Caribbean vacation next fall with just my son and I and her and her husband. My son has been to Hawaii but I promised him that some day I'd take him snorkeling in Cayman(or somewhere else).

lizatola

Yes, it's a term he's quite familiar with because I hear it out of his mouth almost daily. The guy cutting him off in traffic is a douchebag, though, because he drives a truck. Everyone who drives a truck is a douchebag, no questions asked, even if they are obeying the law!

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism strips all the joy out of life, every last bit. Enjoy your freedom, get massages and have some fun. If you wish you were there, a big help is writing about past experiences and all the "fun" you had.

lizatola

Actually, I did enjoy all the previous trips. AH was always on his best behavior when we got there. Last year was tough because I was pissed off about his drunken driving episode and it was my first real wake up call to how bad the drinking was getting. I cried a lot during that trip and we had a LOT of emotional talks, so to speak, where I poured my heart out and I thought he was being attentive and caring and I realize now that his way of communicating is to tell me what I want to hear and then do nothing about it. He talks a great game, but never makes any lasting changes. Anyway, every trip we've been on has been enjoyable. There were lots of trips where I'd go to the beach and spend time with the other wives and AH would be back in the room, he's not as social as I am(unless he's been drinking, then he's the life of the party).

I am planning on getting a massage and I'm taking our son up north to go hiking and see the leaves changing color, etc. I think I'm going to book a hotel, too.

lizatola

He's leaving today! Part of me is looking forward to the 6 day break, the other part of me wishes I was going(not with him, mind you, just going on a tropical vacation in general kind of thing, LOL).

Anyhoo, throw some positive thoughts my way everyone, I think I'm going to need them!

MamaKit

Hi Liz,
I say give yourself a vacation from worrying about him and all the worries you have about finding the right path. Let those go completely for these 6 days. You've been carrying a lot around on your shoulders for a long time. Drop the load, store it in a place where you don't have to think about or look at, and relax - not just your body - but your mind.
You deserve to feel lighter and to have a break.
Hugs,
MamaKit

lizatola

Thank you for the encouragement. I scheduled a massage for myself for tomorrow. I was planning on doing a bunch of journaling, etc but I think I'm going to take a break. I actually cancelled my therapist session for this week, too. You're right, I deserve a break, too!

Florence

I always dreaded my AH leaving, then when he did I felt relieved. What's that about?

Here's to hoping you feel relieved and have free reign over your castle for a few days.

lizatola

Yes! Totally understand that feeling well. He left a message on my phone last night and send me a text this AM. Apparently, he had an overnight layover in Atlanta but I had no idea because he didn't share his travel itinerary with me. I didn't call him back and sent him a late text telling him that we'll just see him when he gets back.

I'm just tired of the evasiveness, of never feeling like I get the whole story, of always feeling like he's leaving out details just so he can control the information he gives me. Is that an alkie thing or something else?

We have a tennis friend(mostly AH's friend, but I know him well enough to hug him and talk to him when I see him) who was diagnosed with cancer recently. AH gets email updates from his friend and from others who are communicating with this guy's wife. I asked AH what kind of cancer Ben had, and AH says I don't know and told me that he was on dialysis and had an immune system that is now shot and can't see visitors, etc. So, AH was going through his emails one day and I happened to walk past and saw him looking at a 2 week old email(he was deleting messages) and it was an update on his friend. It said that the guy had multiple myeloma(it's a cancer affecting the blood) and went into detail about the cancer and the treatment he's receiving. AH looked at me smugly and said, "I didn't read the email all the way through and I forgot what kind of cancer it was", as I'm standing behind him reading it. Honestly, it's such a stupid little thing but this is what he does with every freakin' little thing. Just gives me a little bit of information and then tells me he doesn't know, doesn't have the rest, can't find the papers, etc. It's like a passive aggressive game he's playing. How hard would it have been to just tell me what's going on with Ben? It's like when he neglected to tell me that his former boss had died. I asked about him one day and ah says, "Oh, he died." That's it, no emotion and no further information. I felt like I was pulling teeth to get any information from him. Just weird, that's the only way I can explain it. NOT NORMAL, LOL!

Florence

Yiiiiikes. The evasiveness and cherry-picking facts to share does sound a lot like regular alcoholic behavior. But the story you relayed about the friend and the email reeks of a scary personality disorder. Seriously.

I'll say this once because I wish someone had said it to me back when I was wondering about my ex's emotional health. It's worthwhile to look further into NPD because it will help give you a frame of understanding and will suggest possible ways of dealing with your partner's bad behavior. Your ex sounds like my ex. My ex is NPD. It was confusing because I was always operating with incomplete information. He only did what was best for him. I kept trying to reason with him or find explanations and cures for the relationship. In hindsight, a lot of his controlling and evasive behavior was really creepy.

With my NPD ex (I'm confident using the label) I eventually had to adjust my expectations roundly, develop extremely strong boundaries, and rely on him for no information. I had to get rid of my fear of looking like a b**** or falling into his traps of guilt. The worst was when he would accuse me of completely false things -- he even had my mom believing in some of them -- and I got hooked into arguing about whether his lies were real or not. NPD's can't stand looking wrong, unimportant, or lesser-than. When you can recognize what that looks like, and you're able to see them with pity and not anger and disappointment, it's easy to interact with them strategically to get what you need (never expect them to fill your emotional needs).

Anyway.

lizatola

Florence, wow, yes! My AH can't stand to be wrong and when I'm right he'll make sarcastic remarks like, "Well, go ahead and say I told you so!", which I've never done, by the way.

I think my problem is that I fight to be right too much, and I get wrapped up in his stinkin' thinkin'. And, that's where I'm changing the most these days, I've started giving up being right and it's so refreshing to just sit and be a bystander to the craziness instead of an active participant(most of the time anyway).

Although, I have been having lots of evil thoughts about having it rain in Costa Rica all day long every day for the next few days. Then I decided to check the forecast and it looks like rain every day, after all.

MamaKit

Ahhhhh yes, that fight to be right. When I awoke to the fact of how much I engaged in that and finally stopped it was a MAJOR turning point. In my mind, letting that go really helps avoid the hooks they drop to keep us engaged in the sickness.
Yay Liz!

MamaKit

MsPINKAcres

ahh -the fight to be right??

I was asked by my sponsor - Do you want to be right or be happy?
I of course asked - why can't I be both? lol

My sponsor asked me "if you know you are right why do you have to prove to others that you are right - simply knowing for yourself should be enough. Remember YOU are enough."

Helped me look at things differently -

Enjoy your weekend Liz -

PINK HUGS,
Rita

CentralOhioDad

Wow!! This and Liz and Mama - I hate it when I know I'm right and Wife tells me there is no way in hell that I could be, and she accuses me of doing stuff that I could have never done!! And I get SOOO PO'd at that. Now you're all saying that I should give up on that?? AND be happy?!?!? Oh my, that's going to be a tough one for me.. We might need to start a whole new thread on curing me of my 'want of being right'!!

Thing is, if I'm wrong, and that happens frequently, I admit it graciously and move on. If she's wrong, I expect the same amount of accountability - that's only fair, right?