lizatola

So, the time is finally here when AH is going on his work vacation to Costa Rica. There's a part of me that's proud of myself for deciding not to go with him and there's another part of me that's depressed that I am missing out on a 5 star vacation.

I am planning a trip back east to go visit my mom, shortly after he gets back from his trip and I'm really looking forward to it. But, Virginia can't compare to ziplining through the Rain Forest or laying around reading on the beach, LOL!

AH and I haven't talked about it much. I've made it clear that I don't feel emotionally safe around him and that I didn't want to spend 6 days straight with him and put up a front in front of all his co-workers, pretending that everything is perfect between us, etc. And, even though he currently professes he's not drinking I didn't want to be around to see it if he does decide to tie one on.

I keep reminding myself of all the stress these trips have cost me year after year. My mom used to fly in(on her own dime) to watch our son for us and AH would rant and rave and complain about my mom for weeks prior to the trip. He'd go off about her inability to find the airport in a strange city and how he didn't want to pay to leave our car there so why can't my mom just get a freakin' map and figure it out. He'd throw her under the bus and I'd sit there and defend her and point out(repeatedly) that she is doing us a favor and that we should be quite grateful that she's taking a week out of her own time to come watch our son. I would be so drained by his complaining that I'd be hardly even looking forward to the trip. AH also complained about the fact that he had to watch what he says on these trips because you never know who's sitting next to you and who might overhear your private conversations, etc.

Sigh, I guess there's still a part of me that wants to go on the trip but it's really my selfish desire to sit on the beach and be catered to, LOL! I'm not at the point yet where I want to go to actually spend quality time with AH so I'm trying to put a positive spin on things and I'm hoping to take our son up north to do some hiking(give him a day off school) so that I can do something enjoyable for me, too. I'm also planning a massage for myself, as well!

MsPINKAcres

Hate you have to miss the trip - that must be tough - it's sad when the disease steals joyful things . . .

For me when I would be down about things I didn't get to do because of the active disease, my sponsor suggested I write down ALL the positive things I am getting to do because of recovery -

Not just think of them mentally - but a hard pen & paper list

After writing that - I didn't miss the other stuff so much - the gratitude list was overwhelming ~

Just a suggestion . . .

PINK HUGS,
Rita

dandylion

LIZ, suggestion: Take an o l d mayonnaise jar; decorate it with a picture of the rain forest. Put your extra change and any "windfall" money in it. One day, there will be enough to take yourself to Costa Rica. Imagine, lying on the beach without worry!

Yea, for putting LIZ first.


dandylion

Titanic

Be grateful that you have choices, and that you are free to be on your own - with your son to boot - while not being forced to endure the "dry alcoholic." You and your child are safe unlike many here, and you still are able to get away and do fun things!

Put that in your Gratitude List and the extra money in the mayonnaise jar.

LaTeeDa

During the time my AH and I were separated, but not divorced yet, his parents hosted a 60th wedding anniversary party for themselves in Lago Di Como, Italy. (If you're not familiar, google it, it's beautiful and George Clooney has a villa there...) Anyway, they paid for all their children, along with spouses and children, to attend. I declined. Much as I would have loved to go, I just didn't want to spend time with him, much less his overbearing parents. He and my kids went and had a lovely time.

I still don't regret missing it. I've learned that no matter how beautiful the place, it's the company that matters. And, two years later, I went on a 16-day trip to Europe with my sister (whose company I enjoy ). While I still haven't made it to Italy, my trip to Spain, Morocco, and France more than made up for it.

L

TakingCharge999

I agree with the wise posts here, no matter how beautiful the place, if you are not in a good place internally, and/or if you are around toxic people, it just doesn't matter, you can't enjoy them as fully as you deserve (or you can't enjoy them at ALL)

I had posted a similar thread here when XABF plus GF went scuba diving to Cuba, and someone here posted 'I hope he is bit by a shark'

I hope your AH steps on a crab



You can plan your own trips to Costa Rica or wherever you wish and make it happen. He does not own any place.

Can you plan a spa trip? or plan to create some 'Wellness Moments' for yourself while he is away?

-play your favorite music.
-call friends you have not called for a while.
-exfoliate
-nails
-TV series marathon

And whenever you think "he is having fun while I am not!" just hand him to HP and get back to making your day better.

Hugs

laurie6781

Naaaa I hope he steps on a jelly fish and in his bare feet!

roflmao

Love and hugs,

lizatola

LOL! I have to add my own story in here, too. A few years ago we went on a family vacation to Tampa, FL and stayed in Clearwater Beach. We were heading out in the Gulf, AH and ds were out there and I saw something floating next to AH's head. I saw that it was his wallet and offered to take it back to shore. Well, I didn't know it was mating season for the stingrays!!!

I got jabbed by a stingray on the outside of my right foot. This was, of course, the first day of my vacation. The pain was as bad as childbirth and I did my lamaze breathing as the pain came in waves as the toxins spread up my leg. The lifeguards told us to go to the emergency room or urgent care to get x-rays to make sure the barb wasn't in there and AH fought me on this issue. I mean, 30 minutes prior I was sitting on the beach with blood gushing out of a puncture wound. He kept saying that I'd be fine and I don't need medical attention. SERIOUSLY???? Man, I was ticked and I finally forced him to take me to urgent care a few hours later. I limped around after being treated, had to stay out of the water, and wound up with secondary bacterial infections, nerve damage to my foot that lasted about a year, and a renewed appreciation for the stingray, LOL!

Now, this all happened 2 years after I had been to the Cayman Islands and had gone swimming with the stingrays in Stingray City! You'd have thought that these FL stingrays would have gotten the message that I am 'friend, not foe'. Oh well, lesson learned! A few months later I was in Cancun, Mexico, swimming in the ocean, and every time seaweed would brush my legs I'd freak out, LOL!

lillamy

Amen to that.
AXH and I went on Our Dream Vacation the last summer we were married. We had talked about it for years. Dreamed about it for years. And it was a nightmare. I wish we hadn't gone. I could tell from the moment we sat down for breakfast that he was nervously counting the minutes until he could have his first drink. He was a horse's rear end and we ended up fighting and spending most of the time apart.

dandylion

Dear LIZ, I was in tears when I read your description of the sting ray incident! (probably triggered by some of the cruel attitudes of my children's father while we were married).

I think that was abusive--if not actually criminal---considering that you were in a potentially life-threatening situation.

LIZ, did you think he was being abusive at the time? (I mean privately to yourself). Do you feel like it was abuse now? Because, people, sometimes, don't actually know that it IS abuse.

You have indicated that you will be consulting lawyers soon about your rights. I highly suggest that you mention this incident as well as other similar incidents across the length of your marriage. I am not a lawyer, but I feel like this might be very important.

dandylion

MsPINKAcres

Thank you dandylion ~

to be discounted and treated as less than ~ not seen as worthy of basic care ~

for me, I found that to be abuse in my past relationship ~ but it took me a long time to recognize it ~

lizatola

No, I didn't think he was being abusive mainly because the whole argument was about the cost. He didn't want to have to pay for medical attention. Once the lifeguards said that the pain would get better, AH decided that I should just wait it out and see before I went rushing out to urgent care. I, on the other hand, was extremely concerned about infection and the possibility of parts of the barb being in my foot so I finally forced him to take me.

When my car broke down 6 weeks ago I called AH and told him I was calling the tow truck because I knew it wasn't the battery. He got mad and told me NO and told me to wait there for him for a jump. He said it would cost $500 for a tow and he didn't want to pay for it. He had just jumped my car 3 miles away at home and my car completely died, I knew it was the alternator. So, I stood out in the 100 plus degree heat waiting for him. He came, tried to jump it, nothing happened, and then says, "Call a tow truck." GAH! I could have had the dang truck there by then and been on my way to getting it fixed. Instead I had to sit there (in AH's car) and wait another 25 minutes for the tow. This is very typical of our relationship. He says jump and I say, "How high?". I am finally becoming aware of what is really going on here and I honestly don't think he even realizes how bad he is. I think it's become so normal between us that it's almost second nature.

Definitely glad I'm not going on that trip!!

LaTeeDa

Just because it's about money doesn't mean it isn't abuse......

TakingCharge999

So he has money to go to a Costa Rica holiday and for alcohol but he doesn't have money for your car or your health?

I know we all have our own pace and life choices but honestly I would not want this person around me, even as a friend. I write this with true concern & sympathy. I have been blinded by many abusive situations that went on for years I truly hope you can get your own sanity back soon ! him being away from you sounds like a REAL holiday...

dandylion

LIZ, you didn't consider his actions abusive, THEN, because it was mainly about cost.

If the exact same thing happened today---would you consider it abusive?

dandylion

4MyBoys

When I was with my ex some of the memories that still make me feel a little sick and upset are the vacations that should have been the best. He ruined Cozumel and Ireland for me. Should have know all inclusive in Mexico meant drink as much as you can get your hands on and well Ireland is Ireland.

I would much rather go to the park with my kids. At least they know how to have fun! I need that mayo jar for Disneyland.........

4MyBoys

lizatola

To clarify: this is a work trip, fully paid by his company. The only expense he will be responsible for will be lunch. I am a bit of a shopper and he doesn't fight me on my shoe, purse, clothing, etc purchases. For some reason he likes to pick fights(get aggressive/controlling) over big stuff. Stuff where he thinks his decision making would be better than mine. He'd never tell me to buy a Coach purse over a Michael Kors purse because he knows nothing about it but when it comes to medical bills, he feels that he is more experienced and that I am naive and that I will allow us to be taken to the cleaners.

Yet, in his defense: I just bought myself a new car(certified pre-owned) without him attending the purchase. He went on the test drive at another dealership with me the day before, but I decided the next day to go with a different car. I tried calling him for hours(he was out playing tennis and hanging with friends), couldn't get him to answer, so I went ahead and just bought the car. I knew I wouldn't have time the rest of the week and I couldn't just ask the dealership to hold it for me on layaway. The dealership was nice enough to offer me a return of the vehicle in case my AH wasn't OK with the deal, but all was fine. I haggled a bit on the price, I nitpicked a few things I wanted fixed, I put the whole thing in my name and I think I did a good job doing that all by myself. Anyway, I'm not sure why I typed all that out, LOL? I guess my point is that he has gotten to the point where he picks the strangest things to get controlling over. I swore he would have had something to say about my car purchase, I fretted over it the entire drive home, but he said nothing. He looked it over, complimented me on the purchase, and went back inside to lay back down in bed(that was where I found him when I came in, which is usual for him these days. His says his depression meds are doing a great job, but I find him laying down or asleep at the most random times of the day now).

RollTide

I wish my XAH were going to Costa Rica.

dandylion

rotfxko:rotfxko:rotfxko:rotfxko:rotfxkoRollTide---

dandylion

RollTide SORRY!! I tried to send you a humorous smiley (for your droll sense of humor),

but it wasn't available---so I tried to delete the message and I can't figure out how to do it!!


dandylion