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AH going on the Costa Rica trip next week

Old 10-18-2012, 09:51 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I guess that I take a slightly different meaning of this phraze: "do you want to be happy or be right" than the popular interpretation.

This phraze became popular several years ago when Dr. Phil breathed new life into it. But, nowdays it seems that it gets to be the go-to answer for every conflict.

I believe it was origionally meant for people who wanted to fight to the death on EVERY LITTLE THING---more as a power struggle than in the interest of communication and negotiation. Ok.--no problemo.

But, I think it is destructive when it is used to keep "peace at any cost". It is destructive when one person feels that they have to keep their opinions and feelings under the rug all the time--no matter what---just because the other person has such low self-esteem that they can never be wrong!

I think the real issue here is that in healthy relationships free and open discussions need to take place in order to problem-solve. Mutual respect is necessary on BOTH sides for the other's opinions. There should be recioprocity. Everyone is "wrong" som etimes and "right" sometimes. When there is no recopricity---there is no emotional "safety"---and SOMEBODY is getting screwed---Usually the same person--over and over.

This is just my take one it. I draw the line when my core values/principles of living and physical and emotional safety (and of the kids) are at stake. I can "give in" on all the other small stuff.

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Old 10-18-2012, 10:41 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Dandylion,
Excellent point!
I couldn't agree more.
I think there are two elements that are common threads in the codie/A relationship. (1)Our control tendencies and (2) the difficulty an A has in having a meaningful 2-sided intimate relationship. This is why I think the happy or right mantra serves as a useful tool in this dynamic. It reminds us to give up on what we can't control as well as reminding us that it is pointless to argue with your A since the way their wet brain works, they wouldn't recognize "right" anyway.
That said, our codie tendencies can allow us to easily fall into the trap of peace at any cost, while we think we are just letting go of the need to be right.
I guess there is never a magic pill (or magic mantra).
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:12 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MamaKit View Post
Dandylion,
Excellent point!
I couldn't agree more.
I think there are two elements that are common threads in the codie/A relationship. (1)Our control tendencies and (2) the difficulty an A has in having a meaningful 2-sided intimate relationship. This is why I think the happy or right mantra serves as a useful tool in this dynamic. It reminds us to give up on what we can't control as well as reminding us that it is pointless to argue with your A since the way their wet brain works, they wouldn't recognize "right" anyway.
That said, our codie tendencies can allow us to easily fall into the trap of peace at any cost, while we think we are just letting go of the need to be right.
I guess there is never a magic pill (or magic mantra).
MamaKit
I fell into the peace at all costs trap for most of my marriage. I realized that every time we would have a conversation about ME or MY feelings, within 5 minutes we'd be talking about AH and how the world had done him wrong and how crappy his life was and how he has nothing to live for, etc. I would argue his points, tell him he has a wonderful wife and son, point out some good things that happened to him in life. I knew I was right, he knew I was right, but he lives in excited misery most days and he just doesn't want to hear my 'right' or 'positiveness' nor does he empathize with my feelings. It's always been about him, always, and that's where I struggle the most. When to step in and try to get him to take the focus off himself for 2 freakin' minutes or when to just walk away and say, "I'd rather be happy knowing the positive stuff for myself, than try to convince him otherwise or prove him wrong." Anyway, it's always been a fine line for me because sometimes the negativity and poor me crap really make me frustrated!
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Old 10-19-2012, 07:54 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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So, AH figured out how to use Skype to call us from Costa Rica. I didn't answer, LOL! I am trying to enjoy my vacation in Sedona and didn't want to answer. My son finally answered his phone after the third call! AH didn't ask to talk to me, even though he did call me twice. I have no desire to talk to him while he's in the rainforest having a wonderful time. Granted, I chose to stay home but I can imagine what our conversations will be like. I mean, what's he going to say? Hi honey, everyone wants to know where you are and I sat on the beach today reading a book and then took a nap. I don't know, but I just don't feel like hearing about all the goings on of the trip and I really don't have much to say about how things are going at home. I guess I'm just not in the mood for putting up a front or for making small talk.
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Old 10-22-2012, 09:34 AM
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Its wonderful when we realize that we don't HAVE TO respond to other's wishes, when we realize we have our own and respect them.. good for you for thinking about YOU, in the first place.

Hugs!
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Old 10-22-2012, 10:22 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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hope you had a wonderful relaxing weekend
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Old 10-25-2012, 06:05 AM
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So is he back yet? did he get bit by a sea krait? stabbed by a stingray? stung by a lionfish?
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Old 10-25-2012, 07:06 AM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
So is he back yet? did he get bit by a sea krait? stabbed by a stingray? stung by a lionfish?
Yes, he's back and we're back in the thick of things again. As far as I know, he had no issues except that he was lonely. He's picking fights with me again and I'm working hard to NOT take the bait. We have our marriage counseling session today so this will be interesting.

Thanks for asking!
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Old 10-25-2012, 07:09 AM
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Will be thinking of you for your session today. Stay strong! Stand up for yourself! You deserve it!
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