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"NO CONTACT" what does it mean & what did it do for you???

Old 09-17-2012, 09:27 PM
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"NO CONTACT" what does it mean & what did it do for you???

I've haven't been on here alot lately. But tonight I was reading thru some post and I saw a couple of post that really stuck out to me.

A couple of post included the word's: Go No Contact

1st Month of my recovery. I heard that too from others. I thought they were nuts. How could I do that. They dont understand what Im going thru and of course, my story was different! Sometimes, it made me mad and sometimes, it made me cry and sometimes it just really choked my chain!!

I think when I first started Alanon, if someone would of really explained it to me, what it really meant and what it really was going to do for me. MAYBE I would of listened. (doubt it-hard headed) But I did try as hard as I could, because that's what everyone suggested that I do. Even though, I sometimes had a cloudy vision of what they were trying to tell me.

It's not alway's easy to go no contact. Sometimes it's just not what we want or need. Let alone fully understand. Each circumstance's, Each person, Each personality is different....But we all have one thing in common: ALCOHOLISM

Almost 2 year's later in my recovery: For me, I believe, No Contact, takes time depending on where you/yourself are at mentally. If I could go back and turn the clock - I would of had no contact the very 1st day. Like, if I knew then what I know now...Umm - Okay, you know the old story....

My XAH moved away. I didnt have to see him everyday.
So my story is different than (Some of you).
I did get the 100 nasty phone calls/text everyday, like (Some of you).

[email protected]@KING Back - Those call's drove me more crazy. Kept me in daily chaos.
Kept my heading spinning. I actually lost sleep over them. HA! and more!!!

WTH??? Was I thinking????.........He was drunk and I was sober

Why did I continue having contact with him?.....*Wink*

This past month, it's been almost 2 year's since I've seen him.
He showed up on my front door. 8 month's sober

Yes, he is sober - but NOT following his step's -
DRY DRUNK..Sober but still all of the same nasty behavior

NOW, that I've had peace in my life, no chaos, yes, crap still rolls somedays
and still have mountains to climb, but it's peaceful

Once you have a time away from the chaos, even if it's for one week or 2 year's
The picture get's more clear, on how crazy alcoholism really is.
And it made me realize, just how crazy I had become.
My mind ran hard and fast, all mixed up, when I was dealing with him
when he was home and even when he left me.
It was like trying to hang onto a hurricane...

At the end of it, I was exhausted and he was still drinking
What did I gain?...Weight loss was one, dark circles, a messed up head!

So, seeing him sober (I give him a A+)
but the rest of it.....Umm, I think I will pass the plate of BS

The phone calls/text - Are your's if anyone want's them!!!
I wont even charge you a $1.00 for them...THEY ARE FREE

NO CONTACT ......And having "BALANCE" in my thought's, timing, emotions,
feelings and heart..is knowing that I'm worth more than that, even if it means
living by myself...

It took me 2 year's - I now have closure - And I now have NO CONTACT!!!
Slow learner, Just call me turtle!

How do you describe "NO CONTACT" ?
What has it done for you?
How long did it take you to realize, how important it really is?
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Old 09-17-2012, 10:38 PM
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Well, traditional No Contact was not possible in my case. We had two children together and a bunch of financial disasters to sort out. But, it didn't take me long to figure out some pretty strong boundaries around contact. You want to talk about the kids? Fine. You want to sort out the financial mess? Fine. You want to whine about how mean I am, how I should give you another chance, about how hard you're tryyyyyyyyying? Sorry, gotta go now.

I see posts all the time on this board about how someone can't go no contact because they have kids, but the contact is almost never anything to do with the kids. It's an excuse. We all learn in our own time.....

L
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Old 09-17-2012, 10:45 PM
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That many phone calls would scare me.
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Old 09-17-2012, 10:48 PM
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No contact for me got me off the crazy train, AND it was amazing but i saw him for what he really was because he met someone 1.5 weeks later, pretty eye opening. Heart breaking too though.

I am still amazed at how quickly they can move on.
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Old 09-17-2012, 10:53 PM
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No Contact for me has been about finally claiming the life of my own that I am entitled to and was deprived of from birth. It's choosing to leave the insanity to those who choose to stay on the merry-go-round. It's protecting my kids from the same toxicity that was the foundation for my life. My children should have their grandmother to love on them. They should have a traditional extended family. But I won't have any of that at their expense if my AM is drinking. Children should not be exposed to this poison, period. We're strengthening our core family right here, helping ourselves get healthier by the day. That's what going No Contact is for me.
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Old 09-18-2012, 08:58 AM
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I agree: LaTeeDa

- "We all learn in our own time.....

It's taken me awhile, but I've really learned....Just how sick "I" was
to listen to it over and over....
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Old 09-18-2012, 09:37 AM
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Originally Posted by fhl41 View Post
No contact for me got me off the crazy train, AND it was amazing but i saw him for what he really was because he met someone 1.5 weeks later, pretty eye opening. Heart breaking too though.

I am still amazed at how quickly they can move on.
I needed distance to get a grip on myself because I kept going back for more abuse and rejection. No contact is the ONLY answer for me to (dare I say it?) break my addiction to him...my thinking is clearer, he is fading into the distance, I accept the reality instead of living in the land of potential, I accept that his alcoholism is a deal breaker for any healthy relationship...so no contact has brought me peace and resolution.
Let him go mess with other womens' minds (God help them). I'm off the crazy train, too.
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Old 09-18-2012, 09:46 AM
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NC for me means NO PHONE CALLS, NO TEXT MESSAGING, email only, and email only to complete what business is left to finish up, no personal information, no caring messages, none of that BS.

NC for me means PEACE and SERENITY - i.e., none of their BS, drama, chaos, anxiety, pity parties, whining, complaining, negativity, etc.
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Old 09-18-2012, 09:47 AM
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Like BobbyJ, when I first heard the term I was horrified at the idea. I didn't understand what it meant - I saw it as "giving up on my husband". It took a long time and several failed attempts at a reconciliation to finally reach a point where I could see "no contact" meant letting go of the chaos and drama that filled my life.

Some people do this very well while remaining in a relationship with their A's. I've seen it in Al-Anon. They have a kind of shut-off valve to the addict BS and don't get enmeshed in it. It just rolls off them like water on a ducks back. Those people really impressed me. Funny thing is, those folks were impressed by me leaving, too. That was an eye opener!

In the end, going no contact for me meant giving up on it all. I was done. There were literally no words left in my head to continue even trying to converse. It was futile arguing with him and his distorted thinking. It was time to let it go. Been 5 months now - the divorce is final, and although I sometimes get extreme urges to reach out, to get "closure", to ask, again, "why?!", I don't. Because now I know the result of that, and I won't go back to that dark place again.
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Old 09-18-2012, 10:47 AM
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No contact for me meant email communication only and I would only send information that was child related. I only responded to direct and legitimate questions about the kids. I did not respond to statements and I did not respond to anything else (and there was a lot to not respond to.)

I did see him during child exchanges but I would only exchange pleasantries (like weather) and if he said anything else I turned my back - literally, and left as soon as I could.

I learned that about a month after he left. It was circular and destructive and pointless.

No contact allowed me to move my focus from him and his perceptions to me. I was able to let go and get off the dance floor. When I engaged with him I felt that I was giving up my power by stepping off the dance floor. When I quit engaging I was able to see just how empowering it was to step off that floor. I was free. I could breath. The fog was clearing.
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Old 09-18-2012, 11:28 AM
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The no contact rule was when I started getting better and putting the focus on me and not the AH. We did not have children together so this was possible. I had to pray to get to that point to my HP. I was tired of my serenity being blown everyday by the AH whom I was legally seperated from. I would turn my phone off at 9pm every night so he couldn't "drunk dial" me. I got better. I could not change him. I could only change me. I got better. He didn't. I treated him as my drug and ran away.
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Old 09-18-2012, 11:39 AM
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No Contact for me was enforced by a protection order. It meant NO CONTACT with me or he would find himself in jail! My AH has been communicating with our boys via phone and skype and will see them again soon for the first time in 3 months.

Soon, I anticipate that he and I will have email communication regarding the children. I have learned from this forum what I will engage in and what I will not. Thank you SR!

These three months, as difficult as they have been, have allowed me to make room in my own head for me. My every waking thought is not somehow about him and how he is behaving. It's not 100% dedicated to me but the balance is in my favor and I have enough "me" braincells to know when I'm giving him too much thought.

I'm not sure I would have been able to do it without the court order. Regardless of how it was arrived at, NC has allowed me to begin the healing and move forward. I'm not being dragged down anymore.
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Old 09-18-2012, 02:15 PM
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I see I forgot to say that No Contact for me means nothing resembling contact at all. We haven't talked, emsiled, anything in over two months. Most relaxed I've ever been in my life.
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Old 09-18-2012, 03:19 PM
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No contact is beautiful if you can do it. It gets them outof our life and us back on the balance beam. But we have to be ready to do it otherwise we/ll keep going back to them.

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Old 09-18-2012, 03:37 PM
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NC = Not Capable of no contact when there are kids.
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Old 09-18-2012, 03:52 PM
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This is true-that/s why boundaries are importanteven if they have to be legal ones. I had to do the legal route with my sons father.

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QUOTE=Titanic;3583779]NC = Not Capable of no contact when there are kids. [/QUOTE]
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Old 09-18-2012, 04:06 PM
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NC = Not Capable of no contact when there are kids.
We can still establish very strong boundaries surrounding what kind of communication we will participate in. It protects us. It really was very very important to me and felt it kept me sane and on track that first awful year.

Topic, type, frequency, location, duration - all are within our control.

For me it was

Topic - child only. I willing sent him all child related info I had and I did it in a timely fashion. I only responded to specific and legitimate questions about the children. I did not respond to statements, speculation, or questions that were bate and not legitimate. He asked for the same information over and over. No idea if he was being an ass, really lost it, didn't remember asking or what. Didn't care. I simply saved the one giant email I had with every bit of info under the sun and re-sent it all - over and over.

Type - email only

Frequency - I had no strong boundary here. I had to sit down and log on to read the emails and I only did that when I was prepared for them.

Location - email was at home with my computer. I did see him at kid exchanges and had another boundary for those exchanges. I would exchange pleasantries. Anything else and I literally turned my back and attend to the children and left as soon as I could. There was no other way to deal with him. Even an innocent child information exchange was a path to hell at that time.

Duration - not important in my case because I didn't talk to him in real time.

No I didn't spell out that out for him, I just did it. It worked.

It didn't really change his behavior. He sent tons and tons of manipulative awful emails (and I posted here about some of them when I struggled) but I did not engage. I stuck to my boundaries and it worked. What a relief.

It is true that we are never really completely free from a person we share children with but can erect boundaries as strong as we want. My ex was not aggressive and scary though. I didn't need police protection or anything like that - that is outside my experience.
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Old 09-18-2012, 09:36 PM
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I like what someone said having NC "keeps me out of the dark place".......
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Old 09-18-2012, 09:45 PM
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I agree No Contact is impossible with a child. In the best of circumstances it is LC=Limited Contact.
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