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Worst day ever today... heartbroken

Old 08-12-2012, 04:04 PM
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Worst day ever today... heartbroken

Today has been one of the worst days in recent memory... Maybe it's bc I haven't had to deal with days like this in a while that it has hit me so hard or maybe it's bc it was THAT bad... I just need a shoulder to cry on right now and my sponsor is away for a week and I don't know who else to reach out to...

I set a clear line with xAH yesterday. He pushed and pushed (limit pushing that it, not physical pushing) and when I followed through with the boundaries I set that he knew were coming he turned into the a$$ he always is when he doesn't get his way. He told me yesterday when the limit was set and he was unhappy that I should watch my back and payback would be coming my way.

Sure enough... today I dropped the girls off to him and later went to pick them up (met in the Target parking lot). He wouldn't hand the girls over. Had them LOCKED in the car. They couldn't open the doors (child safety lock thing) and I couldn't open the door bc he had the key. I stayed calm as long as I could and finally I burst into tears. The girls were in the car crying and looking at me with scared faces and I could not do a THING to help.

He smiled at me and asked if I liked payback and told me that before I'd get the girls I had a few things I had to do for him. I thought about walking away but I was afraid to leave the girls with him in that state and I am sure he was drinking when he drove to meet me to swap the girls but I couldn't prove it.

So, I stood in the parking lot bawling, begging him to just let the girls come to me while he told me that I could keep on begging and until I met his boundaries (mocking my setting limits the day before with him) they'd stay in his car. I couldn't get to them, couldn't protect them, didn't know what to do.

I tried to go around him to get the girls and he held me back, I told him I'd call the police if he didn't give them to me and he threatened to scratch himself up and actually went so far as to take his t shirt and rip it from the neck down and scratched his chest while I stood there. He smiled and said "let's see, how do you think the police will react? think they'll believe you?".

I am afraid to involve the police at all bc all he has to do is start lying and make things up and I have no doubt HE will be believed (again) and I will be arrested. I can't take that risk and I feel like my well being and the girls well being are all at risk until he can't hold the police thing over me anymore. Right now I am the one with the "record" so I feel like unless he tries to kill me I have no rights.

I just needed to let this out and vent I guess. I feel used, controlled, manipulated and feel like I need to let an evil, sociopath, alcoholic monster do and say whatever he wants to me in situations like this today. The girls were in the car, LOCKED in, watching me bawl, watching me beg their father to let me take them and he had fun seeing the pain he put me and the girls through.

Alcoholism is the least of his issues and I am quite terrified of his increasing level of crazy.

I no longer swap visits with the girls with him at the house (in the driveway) bc I don't even want him on the property... And now public parking lots aren't enough to deter him from being an abusive a$$ either.

At one point today in public in front of the girls he pretended to punch me in the face and came within millimeters of doing so and said "I'd love to BAM knock you the f*** out right now". The girls then asked me later when we were away from him (staying in a hotel tonight bc I am afraid to take them home -- I don't trust him to not break in and harm me) why Daddy would say that. What kind of MONSTER does that period but especially in front of his kids.

Know what I had to do to get him to hand the girls over??? I am so ashamed... I had to repeat after him that I "wtbh am a crazy c***. I had to tell the girls I am a bad mother and that I broke up our family and I had to tell him that I am a filthy ***** who cheated on him and that's why I left him. I had to say this over and over (I was crying so hard I could barely breathe and just couldnt' believe this was happening. The girls were bawling in the car and it has been HELL since we finally left him-- the girls want to understand what happened and I'm at a loss. There was more to it but those were the worst of the things I had to say. He smiled as I bawled and said all of this -- I actually said it - because that was the only way he'd give me the girls. After I'd been sufficiently humiliated (and btw MANY people walked by during this and no one seemed phased...).

All of this because I set and stuck to a limit I set with him.

This is how I feel right now & I can not even imagine how my poor daughters feel. We have been swimming at the hotel and they are cuddling with me watching a movie as I type this. I am trying to keep a game face on but I am a mess. Oh and I start a new job tomorrow. I'm in SUPER shape for that.

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Old 08-12-2012, 04:12 PM
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PS. I feel broken. I feel trapped. I feel like I am doing everything right and then some to keep myself safe and protected from him and nothing I do makes it better. In fact the stronger I am, the more distance I put the WORSE he is.

I am TERRIFIED I am going to be the mom on the news sobbing that my ex has killed himself and our kids... His completely crazy and I don't know what more to do.

I have a call into my lawyer and can't miss work tomorrow obviously (new job) but I think it's time to figure out a new plan.

I am not strong enough for this anymore.
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Old 08-12-2012, 04:22 PM
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(((hugs))) to you and your girls.

That is a truly awful way for you and your daughters to be treated.

I think the hotel is a good idea for tonight. Try to get some rest. I am hoping your attorney will have some insight and options for your future.
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Old 08-12-2012, 04:23 PM
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Oh, geez.... what a horrible, nasty, completely <pg rated words fail me> day. I cannot imagine being put in such a rotten situation. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

And yet... you did what you had to do in order to get your children away from this monster and to safety. Bottom line, that is what counts.

I assume that you will have to somehow keep letting the children see him. Would it be possible if from now on you always had another person with you? That might help with future handovers, and at least give you a witness if you need to involve the police.

Congratulations on getting yourself and your girls out of an extremely dangerous situation. It doesn't matter how you did it. The results speak for themselves. Tonight you and the girls are safe.

Don't try to think any further than that at the moment. There will be time in the future to consider what to do. Later you can make plans, contact a domestic violence counseller, find out what actions you might be able to take to avoid any repetition. But that is all for later.

Right now, go take a look at your children and know that you are a fantastic mother who is doing everything she can to keep her girls safe from harm.

Hugs and blessings.
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Old 08-12-2012, 04:33 PM
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Is there any place around you that acts as a safe custody exchange location? You really need one.
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Old 08-12-2012, 04:42 PM
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Dear Wanttobehealthy, it is important to keep a very detailed journal of these events. Dates, times, any witnesses, any verbal threats---everything. This could become invaluable in the future.

Talking with the local domestic violence organization counselor can help you. They deal with this all the time. You can remain anomyous. Also, talking to the lawyer is a must also.

Do not try to go this alone. There are professionals that know how to guide you. You need all the help you can get to keep you and the girls safe.

You have shown great strength---but, do get yourself some help.

Many on this board have been through this kind of H***. Keep coming back. You are not alone.

dandylion
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Old 08-12-2012, 04:44 PM
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How about doing any future handovers inside the door in the entrance hall of the local police station?

Bah.... think about it tomorrow. Right now isn't the time to be making any plans. Now is just a time for hugs and counting blessings.
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Old 08-12-2012, 04:57 PM
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Parking lot surveillance video from today? If you can get it, it might be quite helpful!
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Old 08-12-2012, 04:58 PM
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Oh, and never, ever be anywhere near him without at least an audio recording device going.
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Old 08-12-2012, 05:19 PM
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(((((WTBH))))) That is horrifying. My heart goes out to you and your girls. I agree with Hydrogirl - That whole incident was caught on Target's parking lot cameras for sure. Your lawyer should be able to get Target to hand over a copy of it.

Please try to always have another person with you when you need to swap the girls. He is so crazy that you cannot trust what he is capable of. I am worried for your safety.
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Old 08-12-2012, 05:30 PM
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AAAHHH how awful. That sounds like child abuse, locked in the car, you are in the northeast, yes, today was a hot day.

Yes, have someone with you at all times, unless next time you do call the police and hope they see through his crazy antics.

Keep them safe.
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Old 08-12-2012, 05:31 PM
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I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Just glad you are safe with your children right now. I agree with dandelion that you should reach out to a local victim advocacy group. My prayer partner at church helped me find information on safety plans since my xABF is being stalkerish. I wish you much strength right now and will include you in my prayers.
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Old 08-12-2012, 05:34 PM
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I want to first say how sorry I am to read about this horrible, I mean indescribable horrible incident that you went through today. No one, and I mean no one should have to endure that. For him to do that in front of your children, I don't even have the right words. There aren't any words.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear right now but I think it needs to be said and is very important. I think the first thing you should have done when you left the parking lot was drive straight to the police station and report every single thing that happened. After my ex lied about me the way yours did, my lawyer and the police told me to come straight to the police station and report something right away every time it happened. They now believe me instead of him and brought him up on charges of criminal harassment. I think in this situation especially it would have been beneficial to go right at that moment while your eyes were still red from crying and while your girls were still upset. It is not a lot of proof but it is definitely some, of what you had been through. This is especially important if he is making threats to falsely accuse you again like he did the last time. You need to get ahead of it so that he will no longer have that kind of power over you and will never be able to do that again. I know in the moment the first thought is to want to run, get away and go somewhere safe to calm down but it is better to get it all on record, every single thing. I am thinking you should think about calling the police now and making the report. One of the things they asked me when I waited was why did I wait to report it. Please consider it.

Wishing you some peace tonight.
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Old 08-12-2012, 05:36 PM
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((WTBH)) - I'm so sorry you and the girls had to go through this. I have to admit, my first thought was exchanging the girls at the police office, too. I KNOW they you don't trust them for good reason, but it would be rather hard for him to beat himself up and blame it on him with cops and cameras around.

Any chance you can take someone with you when you go? Get there and start the video recording on one of your phones, state "this is being video recorded" because I think there's some legality that they have to know they're being recorded.

I don't know. I'm hoping your lawyer can do something. ((HG)) has an excellent idea about checking to see if there was any camera surveillance at the parking lot. When ((SpeedyJason)) got attacked the first time, there were witnesses but the camera surveillance further reinforced that it was unprovoked.

You and the girls are ALWAYS in my prayers, but even moreso tonight.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-12-2012, 05:46 PM
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I am so sorry this happened to you and your children. May God bless and watch over you and your children in the days to come. May angels walk beside each of you in loving protection.

When problems are this big, I think only professionals, and plenty of them, are the answer. A domestic violence contact; a counselor who works with children who are experiencing trauma; an attorney, of course; and a social worker who counsels families impacted by addiction and mental illness (your exah has both issues).

As well, dear, if you have medical coverage, I suggest a visit to your family doctor for you and your children, all of you, explain that your exah is emotionally violent and threatening, alcoholic and abusive, and if you have insurance coverage, the doctor can refer all of you to the appropriate counselors and it will be covered through the insurance. As well, he can give all of you a physical check-up, which seems quite necessary given the level of anxiety and trauma all of you are experiencing. This also is a plus in family court, showing you taking responsibility for the health and welfare of your children and for yourself.

If he wants to treat you for severe anxiety, I suggest you avoid any addictive medicines such as Xanax, which has too great risk of addiction, and instead be willing to take a standard anti-depressant which also alleviates anxiety. Nothing exotic, just the workhorses like Prozac and others which have a long history of success.

I believe there must be some divine reason you were exposed to your exah's extreme disorder today, and while it was terrible for you and your children, it may well be your guardian angels urging you toward the professionals you need in your life as your anchors in this storm, especially for the protection of your children.

You seem paralyzed with fear of taking action due to the unfortunate and unwarranted arrest many months ago during a crisis with the addict. To balance that out, you can take deliberate, committed steps toward getting concrete and ongoing help for your traumatized children, which is always a sign of good solid mental health. It will help you feel more confident in your truth.

What happened today is not your fault. What steps you take going forward to deal with what happened today, however, is something you can control. I hope you arrange a dream team of professional help.
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Old 08-12-2012, 05:46 PM
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I'm praying for you and your girls, wtbh. That is so disgusting and infuriating. I, too, hope you'll have some suggestions from your attorney. He can't get away with terrorizing and humiliating you that way, especially with children witnessing everything. I am just so sorry, and will be thinking of you and hoping a big change in your life will be forthcoming.

I'm glad you came here to talk about it - you have so many people on your side, who wish they could help. Prayers going up.
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Old 08-12-2012, 06:01 PM
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May God keep you and yours safe. Take care, get all the help you can. All the advice you've been given here is great. Try to get through the trauma enough to put this on the record.

My heart goes out to you

BothSidesNow
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Old 08-12-2012, 06:04 PM
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You definitely need to wear a wire and record this maniacal behavior. It is only going to escalate. My heart goes out to you. Good luck.
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Old 08-12-2012, 06:35 PM
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Please talk to the DV folks and do the drop-offs at the police station.
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Old 08-12-2012, 06:44 PM
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Here, if there is a court order for custody, the police will assist with child exchanges. As in an officer will stand between the parents when the exchange occurs. And there is also the safe exchange/supervised visitation center. Please wtbh, you need to do these things, because when you said that you can see him as the father who does a murder/suicide with the kids, i agreed with you. He seems unstable enough to do just that.
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