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Worst day ever today... heartbroken

Old 08-12-2012, 07:13 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I don't have anything to add to the advice you've been given here, wtbh. I do think that wearing a recording device of some sort is your best shot at this point. I just want to say how very sorry I am that things just continue to get worse and worse. You have handled everything up to this point as best you can, I know that. I assume the girls are still seeing a therapist....are you seeing one for yourself? The trauma must be taking a toll.

You and the girls will get many prayers tonight.
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Old 08-12-2012, 07:16 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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OMG you poor thing! I'm glad you have, and called, a lawyer. Is there a court order in effect? If so, he could be found in contempt. Also I'd suggest doing any exchanges at a police station. Lots of people do that. I'm an attorney... message me if you'd like to chat more about options you may have.
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Old 08-12-2012, 07:27 PM
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WTBH, I am so sorry you have to deal with a bully. A childish, mean bully.

But on the other hand, I think its time to have a mind set change. In the most gentlest of words here, he is winning and you are letting him. He knows he intimidates you, and he has proven just how far he will go to F with you. So time to get SMART about it all and take your power back.

Think of all the ways to be protected while around him.
#1. Have a witness with you AT ALL TIMES. Do not be alone with him. Your little ones are not witnesses. As others suggested here, meet at the local police station if you have to meet alone.
#2. Take a self-defense course. You may never need it, but the empowerment that comes with knowing you can kick some a$$ if need be is a tremendous self confidence boost.
#3. Go seek that video as HG mentioned. Get a court order if need be. Have a copy just in case.
#4. Get MAD. Stop being heartbroken and sad. Get F'in pi$$ed off. And let your anger carry you in confidence.
#5. What can you use against him? Not that you'd ever actually have to, but where is your card in your back pocket? Surely you have something on him that can be used as blackmail by now.

People can only F with us if we let them. So stop letting him. If this were me, I'd have 911 on speed dial and on hand in a blink of an eye. On top of that, I would have gotten the store manager as a witness, along with whomever serves as their security. Next time, if he pulls a stunt like this, do not hesitate to go into full-on action. Don't allow him to bully you.
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Old 08-12-2012, 07:42 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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The best option at this point is to talk to some large male friends or relatives and ask to help you straighten him out. At some point you have to think "outside the box". This man is dangerous and the law let you down. Take a self defense course, buy a handgun, aggressive large dog ect.... My heart goes out to you because I have followed your story with this nut job. Maybe talk to one of his family members about his problem? His family probably has some idea that he has serious mental health issues. No one this sick can hide his mental illness from everyone.
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Old 08-12-2012, 07:49 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Yes, Target (or if attached to a mall, they will have cameras too) have pretty good cameras trained on their parking lots, but the tapes are not stored unless requested usually. Call the store, and the mall, if one, asap to ask that they at least preserve it, even if they don't immediately agree to hand it over. It would be very helpful if they caught the whole scene, including the fake punch, on tape! (They might be reluctant to hand it over to you, but they can at least preserve it until a determination is made. If they do have the scene on tape, you can then safely call the police and they can officially request the tapes.)

It is also possible that someone passing by reported the scene to security, even if they didn't interfere themselves. So you might get an incident report as well.

Sending thoughts of kittens and puppies and butterflies and everything nice your way for you and your kids to crowd these horrible scenes out of your mind.

Take care. Be safe.
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:37 PM
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I second ALL of Tuffgirl's ideas.
Bring a friend with you. Only the most hardened of criminals and insane of the criminally insane would display that behavior in front of someone other than you.

If I recall correctly, you live in a small community where he is buddies with the cops. That' makes it harder, but not impossible. I know our children's services office does exchanges at their offices. In extreme cases, they will do the pickup and dropoff at custody exchanges.

But absolutely, have someone go with you. I've done that a few times with other divorced moms. I called the cops once when a father showed up drunk as a skunk and the mom broke and didn't want to call the cops. But that was the only incident.

And I strongly recommend a self-defense class, too. I took one last fall -- it was only a one-day class -- but you know what it did? It gave me the confidence that IF AXH attacks me, and he isn't carrying a weapon, I can take him out. I'm smaller than he is, but I know for a fact I can take him out. That knowledge in itself has changed the way I deal with him.

And that's the "fix it" part. Because that's where I go. To fixing it. I understand you're broken. I understand you're scared. But buckle up, Buttercup -- you're going to have to take a deep breath and not give up on this. Your kids need you. So find your inner grizzly mama and do what you have to do.
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:37 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I am so sorry that you and your children had to go through this today. It must have been terrifying.

You've gotten some good advice here, except perhaps the gun. With someone who is mentally unstable and a substance abuser, it is more likely that he would use the gun against you.

The call to the lawyer was an important move on your part and she/he can give you advice and take steps to protect you and your children. Probably the best thing to do is to get child services involved with supervised visits where you are not involved and if your ex ever has alcohol on his breath the visit will be canceled.

Hard that your sponsor is away right now; right now your daughters need you sober more than ever and so do you.

(((Hugs)))


I also like the idea of contacting a domestic violence group; your ex threatened you and your children and some statements you made show that you are very much afraid of him and that he can still force you to do things against your will. I wish you had called his bluff with him ripping his shirt and threatening to scratch himself as if you had done it...your fingernails would have been clean, but not his.
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:40 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I missed that someone recommended carrying a gun.
I definitely second SlimSlim's advice on that.
If you're not completely and utterly comfortable and used to using a gun (which you're not unless you're military, in law enforcement, or dryfire at least every day and live fire at least once a month), carrying a gun is more dangerous than useful to you.

In addition, if faced with shooting your ex, you WOULD hesitate. And you can't afford that.

If you want to arm yourself, carry mace. That'll take a bear down.
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:44 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Sorry about my mistake re:sponsor/sobriety.
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Old 08-12-2012, 10:06 PM
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Surely stores carry bear spray in the states...its better than mace...geared to stop that 750 lb mama bear ready to eat your brain out of your head to protect her cubs.

I second lillamy with the gun - unless you know how to use one expertly and intend to shoot to kill, do not carry one.

And again second lillamy on finding your inner grizzly mama...we Alaskans know what that means and we don't need Sarah Palin to lay it all out for us. Remember that look on your kids faces as they were used as pawns to scare you, and never let it happen again.
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Old 08-12-2012, 11:18 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Feel for you. I cannot imagine your horror of a day. Keep us posted and stay safe. Get whatever help you can. You will be okay and your daughters are safe and loved. Hugs to you. And good luck with your new job.
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Old 08-13-2012, 12:59 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hydrogirl View Post
Parking lot surveillance video from today? If you can get it, it might be quite helpful!
I work for the company you mention and the ENTIRE lot is covered by cameras. Get a lawyer, get a subpoena, get that flippin' footage. Enough of this a$$hat already.
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Old 08-13-2012, 01:12 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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In some states leaving a child locked in a car is a felony of child endangerment. I don't know if the person has to literally leave the child unattended in the car, but yeah he may actually end up facing some kind of child endangerment charge for locking the kids in the car. This man obviously isn't fit to be a parent at this time.
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Old 08-13-2012, 02:13 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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I feel ill just reading this it is SO terrifying. It brought back some hideous memories for me. I have nothing to add to what has been said, but I want to add my deepest empathy & support & encourage you to find the balls to end this crap before someone dies. Just do what you have to do WTBH.
Big hugs to you & the girls.
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Old 08-13-2012, 02:25 AM
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Oh, again, and please, please, please do not internalize what you were MADE to say. None of that is true....not one single syllable.
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Old 08-13-2012, 03:29 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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You have a smart phone? I have this handy audio recording app I use for recording spur of the moment creative ideas on guitar, but you could use it like a wire when you do the pickup and drop offs.
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Old 08-13-2012, 03:39 AM
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It makes me really sick reading this.

It's good this forum doesn't allow you to post certain words because the things I want to say about this pig are far from appropriate and would probably make a sailor blush.

To do that to your own children is so incredibly sick and twisted.

I second what everyone else said.

You cannot let him be alone with your girls. That much is obvious.

I don't know much about small town cops but there has to be a way to prove his happened and keep him from having visitation rights with your daughters.
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Old 08-13-2012, 04:25 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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In an ambush with a terrifying abusive unpredicatable sociopath who was physically holding your children (his own children) hostage, you made amazingly sound choices and with no planning, weopon, or help, got both you and the kids out safely.

If you were a man in a uniform, you would be getting medals for this.

I KNOW you don't believe this right now, but you are a strong, loving, intelligent woman who made stellar choices on the hoof, and got the best outcome possible. The things you did to get that outcome were traumatic and you will need to process them, but that is on him. YOU did great.

whatever anyone might *think* or *say* they would do, or think/say is the best thing to do, actually, when confronted in this way even without someone holding their kids hostage, even with a stranger who does not have a history of abusive and threatening behaviour towards them: most people freeze. You got everyone out safe.

I think you are amazing.

I had a similar but much less traumatic situation with my ex just over a year ago in front of the kids, and I was on the verge of dissociating I was so scared. At the time when I spoke to my therapist I could hardly remember much of it, and the sequence was all jumbly, I certainly didn't drive to a police station straight after, I could hardly function, I wouldn't have had the words to describe what had happened in any effective way and my concern was the immediate safety of myself and the kids.

I was triggering just reading your post, I think your ex is a terrifying man: which shows the enormous strength, courage, spirit and intelligence of you. Most people would have completely broken under this strain.

but there has to be a way to prove his happened and keep him from having visitation rights with your daughters.
Unfortunately, what we think must happen as a result of this and what can actually happen are two very different things.

This is where DV professionals can help, gather those resources, lean on whatever is there to get through this. I have very specific plans worked out and rehearsed with my therapist if ex does "A" I do "B", rehearsed but even with these she is clear that what I decide in the moment is the right thing to do, becasue I above all people understand the nuances of the situation in the moment.

Some of the scenarios are crazy, and scary, but some people are very unpredictable. because my situation is safer than yours, recording hand-overs help me. and doing that may help you capture evidence, but please talk to an expert about what you can legally do to keep you safe.
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Old 08-13-2012, 05:20 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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I am so sorry, how awful for you and your children.

I see what he did to your children as child abuse, and I would do what I could to make sure the children never have to be with him again.

Please talk to the police as well as your lawyer (lawyer first) and at least put on record a report of what happened. I pray there is a camera somewhere that caught this on film.

Be careful, dear, protect yourself and your children first.

Hugs
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Old 08-13-2012, 05:48 AM
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OMG this is like some **** out of a movie.

Yes, you did an AMAZING job of handling what is clearly a sociopath.
Please do a check in and let us know how you're doing.

What a monster. Do you have any brothers or male friends who can go over and help him understand how to treat women and little girls? That's how we deal with someone like that, Old School.
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