Worst day ever today... heartbroken

Old 08-13-2012, 06:26 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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It Made Me Cry

I just now read this, and even being a guy, it brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine in my wildest imaginations, that anything like this would happen to anyone. I tried to imagine someone holding my son hostage like that - I don't think I would have handled it as well as you did.

I have no advice or suggestions to offer, just hope and prays for you and your daughter's safety.

Take care of yourself.

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Old 08-13-2012, 06:50 AM
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I can't add any better advice than what you've gotten but I fully agree with everything Tuffgirl has advised in all of her posts. You are NONE of the things he made you verbalize, but you have to find a way to empower yourself. Do it for your girls, do it WITH your girls.... they will become stronger watching you become stronger.

You & your girls are in my daily prayers WTBH, I hope this monster suffers greatly for all of the damage he is inflicting on you.
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Old 08-13-2012, 06:58 AM
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WTBH, ((((hugs))))

I'm so sorry this happened. I think you have been given some great advice. In particular talk to your lawyer and let her/him take the lead, file charges if possible, always bring someone with you for drop offs and pick ups.

I remember something my son in law said to me about my wife which really opened my eyes. Why are you surprised when a crazy person acts like a crazy person?

Edit: Anytime you are going to be around him assume that something like this is going to happen. Self defense courses teach something called awareness/threat levels. When you are going to be around him treat it as a high danger situation or a red alert. Also you could insist, through your lawyer, that all hand offs be inside a public building rather than in the parking lot or better yet supervised by an appropriate agency.

Your friend,
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Old 08-13-2012, 07:12 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hydrogirl View Post
Oh, and never, ever be anywhere near him without at least an audio recording device going.
This! Video if possible strategically placed in your car. If you had a recording of the exchange in the parking lot, you wouldn't have been fearful of calling the police. Arm yourslef next time. Stack the cards against him. He will hang himself (figuratively) soon enough if you do. Sitck to your boundaries. You did good.
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Old 08-13-2012, 07:14 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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WTBH, BTW, good luck with the new job!

Your friend,
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Old 08-13-2012, 01:59 PM
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I hope you had a peaceful and uneventful first day at your new job! Take good care!!
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Old 08-13-2012, 02:11 PM
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What happened to you makes me sick to my tummy too. I am so sorry you experienced this. My heart hurts for you and your babies. I just wanted to express my outrage and show you some support. I don't have any ESH on this. I do have prayers and support to offer though.

Love and Light,

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Old 08-13-2012, 02:13 PM
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How are you today???? Just read this now, I am so sorry.

I mirror everything else said here.

Please keep us posted, we are very concerned.

Love to you Katie
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Old 08-13-2012, 02:51 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Only the most hardened of criminals and insane of the criminally insane would display that behavior in front of someone other than you.
He displayed that behavior in a public parking lot where anyone could have seen and reported it. I wouldn't put much past this man.
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Old 08-13-2012, 02:59 PM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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That is a horrible situation.
In my dealings with my 1st wife I have acted like I was going to call 911, then on my phone used my smartphone app to record the conversation. I then transferred the audio file to my computer, then sent it to my attorney. It doesn't take too many times like that to deal with crazy people. The main thing is get it recorded or a witness.
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Old 08-13-2012, 03:03 PM
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This is horrifying. Good enough reason for him to never ever see the girls again, in my opinion. Just disgusting. I don't know what the answer is, but I hope you can get help. And on top of that, you started a new job today? Bless your heart. Prayers and hugs coming your way.
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Old 08-13-2012, 03:05 PM
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Dealing with a very similar situation.....


I have been lurking on this page since I left my husband last August. I have never really felt the need to post yet. I have really watched for posts from you because we have very similar situations. My sbxah takes it to a new level though because he IS a police officer. It got very ugly a month or so ago and reading your post really brought it back to me.

I was away from the website for a couple of months so I did not see what issue with law enforcement you had go against you but I have to say trust in what your lawyers and the courts can do for you. I now have temporary full custody of the boys. He has to see them during supervised visits with a councilor present. ( A real ego crusher for him!) I was able to move schools etc. The boys are now assigned a lawyer to protect their rights that the county pays for.

I would have never, never been able to stand up to him without the courts help. The fight is far from over but I have the kids in a safe environment and for now that is what is most important to me.

The saying that really got me to be able to stand up I gleaned somewhere in these pages. "If I don't protect my boys, I am failing as them as a Mom."

I am no way calling any choices you have made bad. I just realized I had to take my power back and quit letting him control everything. I had been out of the driver seat for so long, it seemed insanely scary but it was the best thing I have ever done for myself and my boys.

If you ever want to email to discuss some of the steps I had to take, please feel free. (not sure how to do that on here......)

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Old 08-13-2012, 04:29 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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Hi- I am okay, the girls are okay (relatively speaking...)

I really appreciate the love and warmth from all of you. I just cried reading all the posts and really appreciate that I could turn here for support.

I didn't even think of the video surveillance... Brilliant. I called my lawyer and left a message on his voice mail about contacting the local target to see about getting it asap. It's possible he already did and thought of it before me!

As for a recording device... well, all my years of recording xAH and thinking that I'd have something to protect me went out the window several months ago when my lawyer educated me about the laws of my ridiculous state. This state is more concerned with "individiual liberties" than it is interested in protecting those who are in harms way bc of sociopaths like my ex. My state evidently is one of few with ridiculously strict wire tap laws (which also apply to recording with a smart phone or anything of the like). Unless I have xAH's explicit permission (that I can prove) saying that he is aware I am taping him and is okay with it, not only can my recording NOT be used in court or with the police to get a RO etc but I can be found guilty of infringing ON HIS PERSONAL rights by taping him without permission. As if I don't hate this state enough already, this piece of a$$ backwards law really made my head spin.

So, I can record him all I like but it will be useless.

Between last night and today I have spoken to my lawyer and he is filing a petition with the court for an immediate appointment of a guardian ad lidem and requesting that we be required to do kid exchanging at one of the state approved drop off spots that are usually reserved for visitation with supervision. That way there would be a live audience. He told me it's going to be an uphill battle bc it's really my word vs his but he is presenting it in his motion (or whatever it is called) in terms of concern for what's best for the girls (bc that's what it is) and not making it about me vs. xah... So, I don't expect an immediate answer on all of that but at least it's action.

He is not scheduled to have the girls until next weekend so before Sunday comes I will come up with a plan for where and with whom the exchange will occur.

I like the idea of the police station but given the state of his r/s with the police and my being arrested when HE assaulted me, the last place I feel safe is anywhere near the cops.

I feel like there are other things I should respond to but I can't recall what they are... again, I really appreciate all the feedback and support.

Last night was awful. And today the girls were a mess and crying when I dropped them at camp and I worried I'd have trouble putting on a happy face at the new job but did fine. I told the camp counselors it had been a rough weekend and asked that they give the girls extra TLC today and the girls were both in better spirits when I picked them up though they are both still quite teary and clingy and I can't blame them a bit.

I have never wished for someone to die a miserable painful death like I wish that for xAH right now. I know being vindictive and spiteful and angry isn't a productive way to live but frankly being pissed off mad feels a lot better than crying and broken. If there were a way to wish someone straight off a cliff, he would be there already. My T told me to read People of the Lie some time ago about how evil is in people all around us and how hidden it can be in some actions etc... I did read it and never quite believed that XAH was truly evil but I can say now without a doubt that he is. Pure evil.
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Old 08-13-2012, 04:53 PM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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to you WTBH, I am so glad you are in touch with your lawyer and doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your daughters. My heart and prayers are with you.
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Old 08-13-2012, 05:55 PM
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So good to hear back from you! I've been thinking of you all day, and wondering how you're doing. Sounds like you've managed to deal with everything today quite well given the circumstances. Hey, you didn't get fired so that's something to be grateful for.

I've been thinking about how my parents did handovers. A favourite spot was an open food court of a busy mall. I also remember going to stuff like a children's story hour at the local library and one parent would drop us off and the other would pick us up after it was over, so they didn't even have to see each other. A friend of mine uses supervised children's play areas like in an Ikea store or at McDonalds as handover points. And I still think it would be a good idea to bring along someone, another adult, so that you are never alone with him again.

Anyway, I'm sure that when you contact the local domestic violence counsellor then she will have more ideas for you which are tailored to what is available in your community.

Sending you lots of hugs! You're doing great!
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Old 08-13-2012, 07:33 PM
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You and your daughters were in my prayers last night.

I'm amazed at how well you are handling all of this and your candor. You are going to have to be extra vigilant moving forward and I hope that you do talk to people with training in domestic violence.

Your poor girls sound traumatized...what happens if they do not want to go with their dad next weekend?

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Old 08-13-2012, 07:37 PM
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I feel for you so much your ex husband sounds just like mine they are evil men I know how you felt I can relate so hard with the kids he is so selfish not thinking of the kids just thinking of hurting you like my ex sick men that they are.
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Old 08-13-2012, 08:37 PM
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Is it possible to ask the court for supervised visitations? He did LOCK kids in the car.

I am glad I am not living in your state---whichever one it is!!!

You are maintaining your equilibrium beautifully. It is good to have a good load of anger to motivate action, sometimes.

Keep us abreast of how you are doing. We are all in your corner!

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Old 08-13-2012, 09:02 PM
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WTBH: I need to confess that I too have been reading your posts for a long time now and just never felt I had anything to add that was more than what other posters were providing (wonderful support group here right?!).

This last episode has me really heart sick on so many levels. Also woke me up last night - I think I got triggered because of the verbal abuse you suffered in front of your kids. I was one of those kids once and I need to tell you that there is nothing more terrifying and apparently it doesn't completely go away either given my nightmare of last night. I am 54....have had tons of therapy and am a pretty well adjusted person by all accounts. That type of abuse, the effect on me, my mother, my ability to have relationships with men, actually my ability to have trusting relationships with anyone.....have been impacted by what I experienced in my early years.

You are so doing the right thing by sheltering your girls. You also were very wonderful by taking them someplace last night, cuddling and having Mom/Girl time. And you did this while trying to catch your balance....that's all good.

What I want to tell you isn't easy and it is something you probably don't want to hear. But all of the good you are just isn't enough, fast enough for your dear daughters. (or for you really!) My Mom kept me safe at times....but she made me keep contact with my dad......even when I didn't want it. She even went back to him......I had to go choice....too young to have a voice. Can't tell you how much time I spent huddled in a closet keeping my younger brother safe while my parents went at each other. I was useful to her though because eventually I got strong and I put myself between them and tried to keep her safe. I acted as a buffer and allowed her to live her life by assuming her battles. Man....looking back is difficult, it was so sick, but my Mom thought it was ok. I was coping and capable, I was really strong....I learned that from her, my brother was sheltered from it, she could live her life to some degree and my dad's need to be mean was being met. I took up the challenge....and I succeeded to some degree.

The end of this story is very happy for me but very tragic in the middle. My Mom died at age dad slipped into a horrible addictive place.....remarried a consummate enabler.....died 5 yrs brother is an alcoholic....My kids.....never knew their grandparents. I kept them as far away from my Dad as I could; never wanted them to be touched by that unhealthiness. That isn't important here though. I just really really wish I could reach out to you in some way to let you know that you need to remove yourself and your daughters from this insanity! Sooner the better. If your lawyer isn't aggressive enough then find another one....if you are still scared of the police...move! Enough have your life and two young lives to protect.....get angry...get it!! It won't work out well if you do things by half measures.....

You may have to let go of what you want and focus only on your daughters....but I will say that you need to focus on whatever it takes to remove this toxin from their lives. The toxin is not only him....but the reaction between you and him. Until that tie is severed and they are protected from it entirely there will be no healing.

I know you are doing the best you know at the moment. I will say that you are on the right track and your heart is in the right place. You just need to throw it into overdrive and get the whole thing done and taken care of you and those two sweet girls and get away from this once and for all....completely....done....


Practical aside....if you need to have them see him and turn them over.....really pick a public place....INSIDE...not the parking lot. Few ideas.....local fire station, hospital ER, local clinic.....ok......pick a very public place where there are people working who are sensitive to social issues.

I am not trying to be overly tough here....I care!
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:49 AM
  # 60 (permalink)  
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Why can't you move? I would say screw the courts and run. I just don't know how the situation could even get any worse? I know it's a small town & he has a lot of prestige so maybe it's time to pack up.
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