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Worst day ever today... heartbroken

Old 08-14-2012, 11:51 AM
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1) Lawyer.
1a) Is this enough to get a restraining order?
1b) Is this enough to get supervised visitations for him?

2) Police. If you don't trust the police (I don't think that the police department is of one hivemind who will always come down on you and not him, especially if the evidence is irrefutable), take others' advice about finding another public space surrounded by people who are clued in to social justice issues, like a fire station or a police station, or a clinic. But when he pulls stuff like this, then you must go to the police. Family judges don't look kindly on abuse allegations that are reported to family lawyers and not legal enforcers, especially when there is an upcoming custody hearing.

I know we're already discussed it to some degree, but I had a very similar ex who was unhinged without even the booze to help him, and he made me do things like this. He NEVER misbehaved in front of a neutral audience -- notice I didn't say "in public." Public is not enough for these guys. Misbehaving in public and watching people hurry by to avoid getting caught up in your "private business," or whatever they think, gets guys like this off. The audience can't be your mom or your boyfriend, it has to be a) someone who is neutrally unimpressed with him and basically disengaged with him, or b) someone he wants to impress. I'm betting that your ex really gets off on being feared and/or admired. Get an audience for EVERY interaction you have to have with him, whether that means copying everyone you know on every email you write to him (I still have to do this with mine), or enlisting others to be present at every pick up/drop off.

Basically, I had to get really comfortable with the "unhinged castrating bitch" role with him. I was there anyway as far as he was concerned, but I had to figure out how to make it work for me since I couldn't change the dynamics of our relationship.

3) Therapist. Really take care of your own mental health right now, and get your girls into therapy now. Not only is this guy dangerous -- say he never again lays a finger on any of you -- he's done enough trauma to all of you now... These are memories that will always be there. You and the girls will need help figuring out coping methods in the short term and how to process this in the long term so none of you ever end up here again.

(**** him, seriously. I hate this guy.)

4) Continue documenting.

5) Get angry, get patient, believe in karma.

If you're anything like me, you've held back because you're concerned about appearing like the crazy one, or the unhinged one, or letting him see what your weaknesses are. Trust me, he is laying the groundwork now to try and prove you to be the crazy one, or at least as crazy as he is. You have to find a way to let go of this fear, and stop fearing the appearance of craziness when it comes to being hypervigilant about your kids' safety.

It might also benefit you to come up with a series of scripts with your therapist (so important!) that you can repeat when he's going off the deep end.

If you'd called the cops right when he locked the kids in the car and refused to let them out until you cried Uncle, this might have turned out differently -- maybe, I don't know. You're not to blame for what he's doing. This is a psychological beatdown from a guy who basically doesn't have feelings, but you have to give up fighting fair and being nice and get really angry about it. We're in Lifetime movie territory. This is someone who is going to throw himself at your boundaries probably until he finds another poor person to occupy his lizard brain.

Since you're fantastizing about putting him 6 feet under a cornfield somewhere, well, karma became a fantasy of mine. So, ten years down the road, my ex-loser-and-abuser is remarried and lives in a nice house in a nice neighborhood with a really nice car. Things look pretty good on the outside. But I also know his wife hates him, his kids don't care whether he lives or breathes, and all his friends think he kind of sucks. That's what happens when you trash relationships.

Remember that, too, when he goes on about how all-powerful he is with the local police. For all the bluster, these guys have limits to what they'll do for him. And if they don't, well hey, they happen to be part of a bureaucracy that is designed to protect you, the citizen, and the great thing about police is that they have bosses too. And those bosses rely on elections.

You're not powerless here. It's just about figuring out how the game works so you can make it work for you, being persistent, patient, and smart. And girl, you've got incredible internal resources. I believe you can do this and come out victorious.
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Old 08-14-2012, 01:09 PM
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Can you do future exchanges in the lobby of the police station?
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Old 08-14-2012, 01:20 PM
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WTBH, I am so sorry that happened to you and your kids.

Reminds me of my abusive alcoholic father. Luckily he died when I was 6. I wish he had died sooner.

Some good suggestions here. you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 08-14-2012, 01:29 PM
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If someone else mentioned it then I missed it...but what about child exchange in a police department parking lot?
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:18 PM
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cangel2- I don't know what else to do to keep the girls from being harmed by him. I've bee told my their ( the girls) T, my T and my lawyer that I need to tread carefully w regard to asking to limit xah's time w d6 & d4. He's already played the parental alienation card in court and it's insane that the crazy one who makes accusations is actually taken seriously. I am trying everything w in my power to keep the girls safe and me safe while also keeping the appearance of being "cooperative" and supporting the notion of co parenting. The court doesn't give a $hit that he's crazy, a drunk, abusive. I'm not bleeding or dead and even the DCYF investigation on xah ended up being closed w out a finding bc there was no "proof" of the complaints they investigated.

As for moving, I just started a new job and it's not realistic right now. And yes my state is insane w the taping laws. Laws seem to protect the abuser, not the abused.

Florence- I have been worried for a long time about appearing to be the unhinged one bc that's how I've been painted so I often think that xah's mission is to try and makenthatna reality. Using the girls to hurt me and trying to elicit a reaction from me by harming the girls is definitely a way to unhinge me.

To those who think I'm holding together well.... I'm glad I'm giving that I pressing. I don't feel too put together but I made it through day 2 of work, girls had a wonderful day w a friend (d6 though told me tonight that she wishes she could live w d4 and I at her friends house w her friends mom and dad bc she really likes their house. Code: they're happy and it's safe... Even w xah not here I don't think the girls feel safe at all).

I'm headed to bed now. My head is about to explode from thinking and planning and problem solving. No answer from the court yet (as expected) about the GAL. Hopefully by
the weeks end there will be a response.
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
OMG this is like some **** out of a movie.

Yes, you did an AMAZING job of handling what is clearly a sociopath.
Please do a check in and let us know how you're doing.

What a monster. Do you have any brothers or male friends who can go over and help him understand how to treat women and little girls? That's how we deal with someone like that, Old School.
I have several brothers. Only one of them knows the extent of xah's abuse. Maybe it's time to tell them all and turn a blind eye to whatever they might choose to do in response. My brothers all love my girls to pieces and are infinitely better male role models for them than their "father" ever has been or will be.

I've never felt the level of hate in my heart toward someone that I feel toward xah. I hate being so angry but I guess it's a better feeling than sadness at the moment...
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:26 PM
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((Wtbh)) - I know you are doing the best you cn against some horrific circumstances. All I can offer is that you hae the support, prayers, good thoughts of all of us. That just has to count for something. It may not FEEL like it, when all the chaos is going on, but believe in us. Imagine all of around you and the girls, protecting your safety at all costs.

We are here for you, and I've found that SR prayers and good thoughts are extremely powerful

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:32 PM
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Amy I've totally been imagining and feeling all the support from you all. It's helping me tremendously. My T is on vacation until late next week so I'm coming here, talking to my sponsor & focussing on work to cope.

All- Thanks so much for your words of support- I appreciate every last one of them that each of you have posted.
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:42 PM
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((Wtbh))) - Just imagine an army of of all of us standing behind you. We are. We may not be there, physically, but we are there. One thin I've learned over the time I've been on SR? We're at your side. Doesn't matter where we live, what country we liv in...SR friends...well, you just can't beat them

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:52 PM
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Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits View Post
Can you do future exchanges in the lobby of the police station?
That is an excellent idea. Or at least in the police station parking lot.
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:57 PM
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Just for one- given my history w my towns police and xah's relationship w them I would feel safer being in my house w him (& obviously that'd be a not safe option) than I would being near the police. They're useless and I don't trust them or xah one bit.
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:59 PM
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You are brave, you are acting with great courage, and we are immensely proud of you, and just as supportive of you. And tell all of those brothers of yours the truth. You need them with you all the way. There is no reason to "protect" that despicable AH at all, and having more people who love you looking for a solution will make you feel more supported.

Try and get a good night's sleep, you deserve it. Just keep on keeping on, we're with you all the way.

BothSidesNow
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Old 08-14-2012, 08:02 PM
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Keep on your path WTBH... The solution is out there and you will find it.

You're heading in a great direction girl!
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Old 08-14-2012, 08:39 PM
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I sent you a PM, if you're in the state I think you are I may be able to help you.

I have several brothers. Only one of them knows the extent of xah's abuse.
I think this is part of the cycle of shame, keeping it a secret.

Would they believe you? Or would can they be turned against you? Or are you even in a good place to ascertain that right now?

I'm not advocating violence, I do think support from your family right now is essential and if they'll believe you and aren't under the spell of your obviously insane AH, I would tell them everything and get some help.
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Old 08-15-2012, 07:06 AM
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I have several brothers. Only one of them knows the extent of xah's abuse. Maybe it's time to tell them all and turn a blind eye to whatever they might choose to do in response.
You can tell them the truth about what you are dealing with and request their support. STBXAH is betting on you keeping his secrets.

*If* you're unhinged, it's because you're dealing with a crazy person. But I don't think you're unhinged. I think you're trying to find your bearings amidst chaos.

So many hugs. xxooxoxoxox
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Old 08-15-2012, 07:31 AM
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transform myself- i replied to your pm.
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Old 08-18-2012, 03:28 PM
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take someone with you to witness
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Old 09-14-2012, 10:53 AM
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Just bumping to let you know we're praying for you and thinking of you, WTBH.
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Old 10-12-2012, 10:15 PM
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Unhappy Very worried about wantto...

I'm bumping this last post of wanttobehealthy ... I'm worried about her. Anyone heard anything or in touch with her outside of this forum?

I hope she's okay!!!

Big hugs to you and your girls where ever you are this eve Wantto...!!! ;(

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Old 10-13-2012, 06:27 AM
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I check this forum every day to see if she's posted. I'll keep praying.
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