Manipulations, justifications, insanity you've heard
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 159
OMG! I love y'all! I really do. It's the same exact quacks verbatim from each of our As. Thank God for laughter.
I wish I would have found this site earlier. It has been wonders for my sanity. You do start to become mentally unstable when you have no idea what the H**l is going on. If only I had seen his duck bill a year ago....now I picture him not only as duck but one that has no feathers. Every time he quacks I mentally pluck a feather. He looks like a naked plucked chicken which just cracks me up when he starts the quacking. If he only knew how ridiculous he looks to me.....
I wish I would have found this site earlier. It has been wonders for my sanity. You do start to become mentally unstable when you have no idea what the H**l is going on. If only I had seen his duck bill a year ago....now I picture him not only as duck but one that has no feathers. Every time he quacks I mentally pluck a feather. He looks like a naked plucked chicken which just cracks me up when he starts the quacking. If he only knew how ridiculous he looks to me.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Me and my AH today (when discussing upcoming legal separation and mediation):
I futilely asked him one last time, but I just had to do it to maybe finally get closure, "are you willing to give up alcohol to try to save our family?"
Him: I just like to have a drink in the evening, I enjoy it, it's something I do for me.
Sigh. It's all about them to them, isn't it?
I futilely asked him one last time, but I just had to do it to maybe finally get closure, "are you willing to give up alcohol to try to save our family?"
Him: I just like to have a drink in the evening, I enjoy it, it's something I do for me.
Sigh. It's all about them to them, isn't it?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by Haybelly 
Oh my goodness...are you also married to my STBXAH? I can't tell you how many times he's thrown those very words at me!
So we're at an impasse, and I have chosen horses. He hates the horses and I hate his drinking. I'm sure not going to give up my lifelong passion for horses for him. I warned him on the first date 20 years ago, "any man who dates me has to like horses and dogs, they come with the package." Someone who truly loves me would not ask me to give up something so dear to my heart and healthy for our daughters also.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Quacks from a recovering A...my XAB
- after being an hour late to meet me with no phone call "why are you always so mad?"
- "I know it doesn't mean much to you but I love you more than anything I really do" (funny way of showing it)
- "I promise next time I do better" (times this statement by 1000)
- "I don't understand why you always think you don't matter to me"
- a true classic that man of us have heard too many times "I'm sorry you feel that way". The response in my head "go F#%* yourself"
Yes I know I'm processing lots of hurt and anger.
Great thread thank you.
- after being an hour late to meet me with no phone call "why are you always so mad?"
- "I know it doesn't mean much to you but I love you more than anything I really do" (funny way of showing it)
- "I promise next time I do better" (times this statement by 1000)
- "I don't understand why you always think you don't matter to me"
- a true classic that man of us have heard too many times "I'm sorry you feel that way". The response in my head "go F#%* yourself"
Yes I know I'm processing lots of hurt and anger.
Great thread thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
"My drinking isn't the problem here. It's the stress in our relationship."
(Yes, our relationship IS full of stress because of your DUIs, bankruptcy, verbal and physical abuse, job insecurity, clinical depression--all of which stems from your drinking.)
"YOU need to see a therapist, not ME."
(Yes, and I've been seeing one for several YEARS, while you refuse to go to counseling.)
"You don't trust me!"
(Yes, because, unlike me, you disappear overnight to drink in bars and hotel rooms--not exactly trustworthy behavior.)
"We can't have a relationship without trust."
(See above, dummy.)
"Why can't you just let things go?!"
(Sure, as soon as you just quit drinking forever.)
"I just want to come home and have some peace!"
(Really? Me, too! Now about that drinking problem of yours...)
(Yes, our relationship IS full of stress because of your DUIs, bankruptcy, verbal and physical abuse, job insecurity, clinical depression--all of which stems from your drinking.)
"YOU need to see a therapist, not ME."
(Yes, and I've been seeing one for several YEARS, while you refuse to go to counseling.)
"You don't trust me!"
(Yes, because, unlike me, you disappear overnight to drink in bars and hotel rooms--not exactly trustworthy behavior.)
"We can't have a relationship without trust."
(See above, dummy.)
"Why can't you just let things go?!"
(Sure, as soon as you just quit drinking forever.)
"I just want to come home and have some peace!"
(Really? Me, too! Now about that drinking problem of yours...)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 159
Originally Posted by changeschoices
"You don't trust me!"
(Yes, because, unlike me, you disappear overnight to drink in bars and hotel rooms--not exactly trustworthy behavior.)
"We can't have a relationship without trust."
(See above, dummy.)
"Why can't you just let things go?!"
(Sure, as soon as you just quit drinking forever.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
My other favorite that my AH used quite a bit when I would explain how he was setting a bad example for our son and jeopardizing our son's friendships because his friends wouldn't be allowed to come over if dad is drunk all the time.
Me:"You know, son's friend woke up in the middle of the night and heard you making all kinds of noise. If he came out and saw you stumbling around, I seriously doubt he'd be allowed to sleep over again. You're actions can affect those around you."
Him: "I understand."
Me:"Being drunk at 6 AM is not normal."
Him: "I understand."
Me: "You have a 13 year old and he looks up to you. You already know what it's like to come home to drunk parents, do you want that for your child?"
Him:"I understand."
At that point in the conversation I just stopped talking. I get it: HE UNDERSTANDS. And, 1 month later he gets a DUI with a .229 BAC. Yep, he understood alright!
Me:"You know, son's friend woke up in the middle of the night and heard you making all kinds of noise. If he came out and saw you stumbling around, I seriously doubt he'd be allowed to sleep over again. You're actions can affect those around you."
Him: "I understand."
Me:"Being drunk at 6 AM is not normal."
Him: "I understand."
Me: "You have a 13 year old and he looks up to you. You already know what it's like to come home to drunk parents, do you want that for your child?"
Him:"I understand."
At that point in the conversation I just stopped talking. I get it: HE UNDERSTANDS. And, 1 month later he gets a DUI with a .229 BAC. Yep, he understood alright!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Mays Landing, NJ
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by lizatola
My other favorite that my AH used quite a bit when I would explain how he was setting a bad example for our son and jeopardizing our son's friendships because his friends wouldn't be allowed to come over if dad is drunk all the time.
Me:"You know, son's friend woke up in the middle of the night and heard you making all kinds of noise. If he came out and saw you stumbling around, I seriously doubt he'd be allowed to sleep over again. You're actions can affect those around you."
Him: "I understand."
Me:"Being drunk at 6 AM is not normal."
Him: "I understand."
Me: "You have a 13 year old and he looks up to you. You already know what it's like to come home to drunk parents, do you want that for your child?"
Him:"I understand."
At that point in the conversation I just stopped talking. I get it: HE UNDERSTANDS. And, 1 month later he gets a DUI with a .229 BAC. Yep, he understood alright!
Me:"You know, son's friend woke up in the middle of the night and heard you making all kinds of noise. If he came out and saw you stumbling around, I seriously doubt he'd be allowed to sleep over again. You're actions can affect those around you."
Him: "I understand."
Me:"Being drunk at 6 AM is not normal."
Him: "I understand."
Me: "You have a 13 year old and he looks up to you. You already know what it's like to come home to drunk parents, do you want that for your child?"
Him:"I understand."
At that point in the conversation I just stopped talking. I get it: HE UNDERSTANDS. And, 1 month later he gets a DUI with a .229 BAC. Yep, he understood alright!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by lizatola
I'm the bad guy
-
-
Well you know what, if he wants to answer the question he should ask himself:
Would a good guy smoke in the house when a smoke-free environment is extremely important to his wife?
Would a good guy hoard and hide information about "his" money and then keep stonewalling when his wife INSISTS he contribute to the bills--especially the bills HE racked up in the process of destroying his business by drinking.
Would a good guy know that his wife would love for him to read her blog because it's her only hobby, but just brush her off and never even attempt to read it?
Oh well, I could go on. But that just hit a hot button for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 188
Having not lived with my stepdaughter's alcoholic mother (and my husband's ex partner), I haven't heard first hand any of her 'excuses', but I do know of some:-
Recently she was driving her boyfriend's jeep (she has no licence, is alcoholic of course AND suffers from epilepsy which is alcohol induced) around her home area. Her son's father was in her neighbours house, and their son was playing out front with some other kids kicking a ball around on the grass. She came around the corner, mounted the grassed area and nearly mowed down several children, including her own son. The kids ran screaming into the neighbours house, where her son's dad was. All the adults came out to confront her, she got out of the vehicle and was so drunk she could barely stand! Her son's father shouted at her "WTF are you doing?", and she replied, holding on to the fence because she couldn't stand "doesn't anybody understand what it's like when you're learning to drive? Give me a break!" The Police were called, but when they arrived she wouldn't let them in her house. They were informed as to her state of drunkeness, no licence etc., and I have heard she is still driving!!!!!!!!!! Police in this country are useless!
She's said to my husband a few times over recent years, when he's confronted her drinking 'I USED to have a problem with alcohol, now I'm just a social drinker!'. Yeah, right, of course you are.
Recently she was driving her boyfriend's jeep (she has no licence, is alcoholic of course AND suffers from epilepsy which is alcohol induced) around her home area. Her son's father was in her neighbours house, and their son was playing out front with some other kids kicking a ball around on the grass. She came around the corner, mounted the grassed area and nearly mowed down several children, including her own son. The kids ran screaming into the neighbours house, where her son's dad was. All the adults came out to confront her, she got out of the vehicle and was so drunk she could barely stand! Her son's father shouted at her "WTF are you doing?", and she replied, holding on to the fence because she couldn't stand "doesn't anybody understand what it's like when you're learning to drive? Give me a break!" The Police were called, but when they arrived she wouldn't let them in her house. They were informed as to her state of drunkeness, no licence etc., and I have heard she is still driving!!!!!!!!!! Police in this country are useless!
She's said to my husband a few times over recent years, when he's confronted her drinking 'I USED to have a problem with alcohol, now I'm just a social drinker!'. Yeah, right, of course you are.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I've had many. We also saw his therapist once, and I brought along a list of 135 things that were wrong with me. She showed him the list, and asked him if he agreed with them, his response was, yes, except for maybe one or two
But my favorite was ------- so who are you going to blame your miserable life on, once I am gone?????????? and I thought, huh?
But my favorite was ------- so who are you going to blame your miserable life on, once I am gone?????????? and I thought, huh?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Been away for a while but just HAVE to jump in on this:
Told our marriage counselor, "I drink because who would want to come home to that (pointing at me)?"
"You do too much research."
"I watch it very carefully because I never want to have to stop drinking."
"Sometimes I drink to self-medicate, sometimes to have fun. I know the difference."
"You don't know how to have fun."
"You can never understand. It's part of my heritage." (He is Irish, I am German)
"I do those on-line quizzes all the time and always come out great."
Free of this baloney since 08/06/10--my new birthday!
Told our marriage counselor, "I drink because who would want to come home to that (pointing at me)?"
"You do too much research."
"I watch it very carefully because I never want to have to stop drinking."
"Sometimes I drink to self-medicate, sometimes to have fun. I know the difference."
"You don't know how to have fun."
"You can never understand. It's part of my heritage." (He is Irish, I am German)
"I do those on-line quizzes all the time and always come out great."
Free of this baloney since 08/06/10--my new birthday!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Winchester, VA
Posts: 129
Oh my I think I've heard all of them but the one that cut me to the quick is...
"I wouldn't be this way if you had given me children"
I had a hysterectomy 6 years ago. That aside, who would want to bring a child up with this man. I thank God every day I didn't.
"I wouldn't be this way if you had given me children"
I had a hysterectomy 6 years ago. That aside, who would want to bring a child up with this man. I thank God every day I didn't.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Just needed to say this, to those who are out, congrats !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To those still in, it doesn't get better. What you are hearing is abuse. Not excuses.
Alcoholism and abuse are two separate things. They don't automatically go together.
Both are progressive. The more you take, the more they will dish out to you.
I began to look for help, not because of his drinking, maybe I should have many years ago, I looked for help because of the abuse, the drinking was always there. But they both progressed.
More to add
Which is worse verbal abuse, or sleeping alone
you could scream and yell at me all the time, as long as you sleep with me
you could have sex with me, or we could fight all night
or how about, I didn't really mean to file for divorce, I cancelled that, and called a therapist.
2 weeks later filing for divorce again
disappears for 2 months, comes back, and says, we weren't fighting for the last 2 months, I don't know why you are still mad. Don't you ever get over things?
I am out. For over 3 years, but I can still hear that voice all the time.
They say that it takes at least 1/2 the time that you went thru it to get over it. I guess I still have about another 10 years for that voice to go away.
(((((((((((((((((hugs )))))))))))))))) to everyone going thru this
To those still in, it doesn't get better. What you are hearing is abuse. Not excuses.
Alcoholism and abuse are two separate things. They don't automatically go together.
Both are progressive. The more you take, the more they will dish out to you.
I began to look for help, not because of his drinking, maybe I should have many years ago, I looked for help because of the abuse, the drinking was always there. But they both progressed.
More to add
Which is worse verbal abuse, or sleeping alone
you could scream and yell at me all the time, as long as you sleep with me
you could have sex with me, or we could fight all night
or how about, I didn't really mean to file for divorce, I cancelled that, and called a therapist.
2 weeks later filing for divorce again
disappears for 2 months, comes back, and says, we weren't fighting for the last 2 months, I don't know why you are still mad. Don't you ever get over things?
I am out. For over 3 years, but I can still hear that voice all the time.
They say that it takes at least 1/2 the time that you went thru it to get over it. I guess I still have about another 10 years for that voice to go away.
(((((((((((((((((hugs )))))))))))))))) to everyone going thru this
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Not from the RABF, but from the "normie" father.
Text from two months ago:
It's bad out there. My business is way down. I'm selling stuff. Just sold my car. If my business doesn't pick up, I'll be broke in 6 months.
And another from this morning:
I'm not gonna do anything to myself today. I need to buy another airplane first so it will look like an accident. The day the divorce is final might be the day.
Text from two months ago:
It's bad out there. My business is way down. I'm selling stuff. Just sold my car. If my business doesn't pick up, I'll be broke in 6 months.
And another from this morning:
I'm not gonna do anything to myself today. I need to buy another airplane first so it will look like an accident. The day the divorce is final might be the day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by choublak
Not from the RABF, but from the "normie" father.
Text from two months ago:
It's bad out there. My business is way down. I'm selling stuff. Just sold my car. If my business doesn't pick up, I'll be broke in 6 months.
And another from this morning:
I'm not gonna do anything to myself today. I need to buy another airplane first so it will look like an accident. The day the divorce is final might be the day.
Text from two months ago:
It's bad out there. My business is way down. I'm selling stuff. Just sold my car. If my business doesn't pick up, I'll be broke in 6 months.
And another from this morning:
I'm not gonna do anything to myself today. I need to buy another airplane first so it will look like an accident. The day the divorce is final might be the day.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Originally Posted by NewChapter
Told our marriage counselor, "I drink because who would want to come home to that (pointing at me)?"
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