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Manipulations, justifications, insanity you've heard

Old 05-14-2012, 09:08 AM
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I'm blown away by the similarities ...

My stbxAH has many many many times said the following (and I thought I was alone in finding them infuritating)

"I'm sorry you feel that way"
"I understand"
"I see"

I guess coming from a non A, non narcissist I'd see these as reasonable statements but coming from AH over the years they've always sounded more like ways to get out of having to participate in a conversation or care at all about anyone's feelings than his own, than anything sincere.
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Old 05-14-2012, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I'm blown away by the similarities ...

My stbxAH has many many many times said the following (and I thought I was alone in finding them infuritating)

"I'm sorry you feel that way"
"I understand"
"I see"
And don't forget "yeah, you're right"!

"The last thing I want to do is hurt you" (emotionally that is) - if I had a pound for every time I heard that I'd be living in a life of luxury

"Why do you hate me?" normally said after aggressive drunk has changed into self-pitying drunk.
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Old 05-14-2012, 10:44 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
My other favorite that my AH used quite a bit when I would explain how he was setting a bad example for our son and jeopardizing our son's friendships because his friends wouldn't be allowed to come over if dad is drunk all the time.
Me:"You know, son's friend woke up in the middle of the night and heard you making all kinds of noise. If he came out and saw you stumbling around, I seriously doubt he'd be allowed to sleep over again. You're actions can affect those around you."
Him: "I understand."
Me:"Being drunk at 6 AM is not normal."
Him: "I understand."
Me: "You have a 13 year old and he looks up to you. You already know what it's like to come home to drunk parents, do you want that for your child?"
Him:"I understand."
Well H$%L - at least your A understands. My ABF says there is no way his drinking could ever affect our 2 year old son. He says it only affects me. LOL. Shite for brains is what he is.
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Old 05-14-2012, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by chronsweet View Post
Well H$%L - at least your A understands. My ABF says there is no way his drinking could ever affect our 2 year old son. He says it only affects me. LOL. Shite for brains is what he is.

Chronsweet- I think that the irony of it is that he DOESN'T understand. It's a passive aggressive bs statement to get her to drop it-- if he's like my stbxAH he says "I understand" as a way to get her to shut up. He doesn't understand or care at all actually and certainly has no intention of changing.
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Old 05-14-2012, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Not to get too much off topic here, but some airlines do require that.
Thanks for posting that, choublak. Alcoholics/addicts get blamed for driving up our health care costs yet overweight people do the same thing & there is no outcry. I guess my point is that so called "normal" people have addiction issues also.
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Old 05-14-2012, 02:45 PM
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WTBH, I guess sometimes I wish my ABF would just acknowledge my pain by saying he understands. SIGH. I realize he doesn't or he'd change. My ABF tells me I am crazy for even thinking he is an A. They are all just freaking nuts. LOL
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Old 05-14-2012, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by chronsweet View Post
WTBH, I guess sometimes I wish my ABF would just acknowledge my pain by saying he understands. SIGH. I realize he doesn't or he'd change. My ABF tells me I am crazy for even thinking he is an A. They are all just freaking nuts. LOL
I get what you're saying completely!!! My AH has his colleagues, family & some mutual friends convinced I'm disturbed and as he puts it "in need of inpatient psychiatric help" bc I said no more and am entirely done w him. I'm no more crazy than you are. Your bf is an A & my AH is an A & purely evil. Obviously if they were to admit that they had a problem that would mean giving up their addictions & they'd rather do anything than that.

Speaking as someone whose AH DID utter the words "I understand" I can tell you that it was cold comfort bc he never actually understood and it was always uttered in a patronizing snide way and I wound up feeling more hurt than comforted bc he was really just mocking me by saying it. Now if it had been sincere that would have been different but again, if it had ever been sincere that would've been bc he was capable of empathy & perhaps working a program of recovery. I kept looking for bread in the hardware store as the expression goes; I wanted someone incapable of caring about others feelings to care about mine and then wound up hurt when he didn't. Hes always been honest about who he is- I just refused to believe it for a long time.
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Old 05-14-2012, 05:03 PM
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OMG: Just had a fight with AH yesterday and I realized that one of his favorite sayings is: Define that.
He wants me to go into explanation about how I feel he doesn't respect me. He says, "Define that." He said it 3 times yesterday and I just about blew up. Of course, in the same conversation he told me that all of humanity is stupid, but he's not. I specifically said, "Well, you're human, doesn't that make you stupid too?" Nope, he's not stupid. The DUI wasn't stupid. Breaking his work computer wasn't stupid. Punching the dog in anger years ago, that wasn't stupid. How about when he drove our kid around while drinking? Nope, that wasn't stupid. UGH! UGH! It's sheer insanity, seriously.
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Old 05-14-2012, 05:40 PM
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Lizatola- wow did that bring back memories... I didn't get"define that" but I did get "be specific- give me an example" & like a fool I'd take the bait & give examples of the treatment I was asking him to stop & then gas lighting tactics would ensue, or minimizing of the examples I'd provide which he'd always deny had ever occurred. It's a wonder I still have my sanity- hell, it's a wonder any of us do!
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Old 05-14-2012, 06:59 PM
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Thinking back, AXH never tried to justify his drinking. Not really. He just did it and I tried to justify it. He did try to minimize the heck out of it.

"I just had a couple beers. It must have hit me harder because I didn't eat at all."
(For the record, he's over 6'7" and (was) a muscular rugby player. If 2 beers could knock him into a spin like that, I (at 5'4") must be a heavy-weight drinker because 2 beers have never had ME thinking I made it to the bathroom when I really ended up puking or peeing in the closet on my SO's and kid's clothes - Oddly enough, NEVER on the side of the closet with his clothes.... Even when I'd switched everything around, thinking that'd keep him from messing up my and DS's stuff.)

"I took a dose of cold medicine. That what it was. That's why I hit my head on the nightstand." When he completely missed the bed when he passed out in the bedroom.
(Nothing to do with the fact that he drank the entire bottle of NyQuil AFTER the bottle of rum; and when that ran out, my vanilla extract for baking, the bottle of mouthwash, and who knows what else he'd stashed around the apartment....)

Oh, there are more... It was always "only a couple..."
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Old 05-14-2012, 09:55 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Lizatola- wow did that bring back memories... I didn't get"define that" but I did get "be specific- give me an example" & like a fool I'd take the bait & give examples of the treatment I was asking him to stop & then gas lighting tactics would ensue, or minimizing of the examples I'd provide which he'd always deny had ever occurred. It's a wonder I still have my sanity- hell, it's a wonder any of us do!
I know, right?! I actually feel saner now than ever. I've decided that I am not going to be the peacemaker this time. Usually I can't handle the silence and distance but I am actually needing it right now. If he wants to work on things between us, he can make the first move. At least I know I'm not alone, there are so many others who post here who have given me strength.
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Old 05-14-2012, 10:15 PM
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Easy does it people. If you want to poke fun at your spouse that's one thing, but when you make derogatory comments about people you don't know it's called bullying. I have removed posts that were disrespectful of strangers.

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Old 05-14-2012, 10:24 PM
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Originally Posted by laneyt View Post
if i had a penny for everytime i got accused of cheating because i didn't want to have sex with him, i would be rich.

they just don't get it. They are very unattractive while drunk. Their performance is lacking. The things that they say are a big turn off. Yet we are expected to just swoon at the thought of having sex with them and if we don't then it must mean that we are having sex with someone else......smh


lets not forget the smell
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Old 05-15-2012, 06:58 AM
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One of the most common excuses for his binges was, "You don't know how hard i work. If you worked the hours i do then you will understand".
I actually worked MORE hours than he did.
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Old 05-15-2012, 03:59 PM
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I keep thinking of this thread.

Today: I asked my AH "did you call the mediation attorney to schedule our meeting?"
Him: No, uh, I didn't get around to it (I guess 18 holes of golf got in the way today...he's barely working anymore, he just drinks and golfs)
Me: OK, well, we need to schedule that meeting.
Him: I know. It just that it's just not that fun to think about.
Me: I know it's not fun. It's sad. I feel very sad when we do attorney stuff. I am very sad about our marriage ending, but I don't know what else we can do at this point since you are not willing to address your alcoholism.
Him: Well, what are you doing to address your side of things? (Giving up the horses). He says this with such innocence and charm.


I just stood there and looked at him. I had to resist the urge to laugh and grunt out a big "Quack!"

It's amazing how skilfully he shifts the blame back onto me. It messes with my head. I'm just so tired of it.
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Old 05-15-2012, 04:56 PM
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I have a friend (who was a teacher of mine in grad school) who has been taking advantage of me in terms of hiding or justifying her addiction.
This forum is great for learning certain practical ways of handling all of the manipulations and excuses.

Detachment and boundaries are going into effect as soon as she gets back into town. I don't think it's going to be pretty. I actually started saying NO during the past few months, and her anger and rage escalated. The times I said NO to her pleadings/demands were simply because of my work; one instance was just my saying no thanks.

I have been enabling her for years, and I should have known better. Once I set the boundaries--for myself--is the proverbial S going to hit the fan? I want to be prepared if that is going to happen.
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Old 05-15-2012, 05:06 PM
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PuffysFriend,

do you think she could get violent? has she before? (taken a swing at you or threaten you in any way?)

Beth
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Old 05-15-2012, 05:47 PM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
PuffysFriend,

do you think she could get violent? has she before? (taken a swing at you or threaten you in any way?)

Beth
No. She is in bad physical shape. It is always about money. She has it, and I have been short on it. I'm doing better financially now, though.

The fact is that I was establishing boundaries before I really thought about it. My work took me away from the neighborhood (where she lives), and since I was making a little more money and gone a lot, her anger escalated. I am only the most recent target of her anger. The pattern is clear. I don't think she's going to like my boundaries when she gets back into town, simply because I have examined them and talked to a good friend in the neighborhood who has been battling this situation. I won't be unkind or mean to her, but there are certain things--negativity, repetition, her meddling into others' affairs-- that I just cannot tolerate anymore. She thinks that I am stupid or ignorant since I haven't said anything--one of the mods here has a great tagline about that. In fact, I'm very aware.

Question: Can't my boundaries be just mine? I don't have to announce these to her, do I? I'm confused since I've seen different takes on boundaries here.
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Old 05-15-2012, 05:51 PM
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Absolutely no need at all to announce your boundaries. Since they are for you, and only require that you know what they are and how you will enforce them, nobody else needs to know. On the other hand, if you want to tell her about them, that's completely your choice as well.

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Old 05-15-2012, 06:35 PM
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Thank you. There will be times when I have to say what I will and will not discuss with her--namely, the tired and negative old themes about other people that really don't have anything to do with her but which she insists are her business. NO BOUNDARIES WHATSOEVER.
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