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-   -   Manipulations, justifications, insanity you've heard (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/256484-manipulations-justifications-insanity-youve-heard.html)

lizatola 05-11-2012 08:21 AM

Manipulations, justifications, insanity you've heard
 
I started thinking back over the past 17 years of my marriage. 15 years of which my AH was dry but still an *ss in many ways. I realized, looking back, that he is filled with self loathing, doesn't trust anybody, has an ego the size of the sun, and will justify bad behavior while making me look like the bad guy. He is one big pity party and I was always invited to join him at the table.

Here's a few good ones that I heard on a regular basis:

-I'm just waiting for you to find a boyfriend, you can't possibly love me
-I'm waiting for the day when I come home to find an empty house. That card you left me on the table, I just knew it was my note to move out(actually it was a love note I left him, but he can think what he wants, duh)
-I know, I know, I'm the bad guy because I'm a realist and always tell it like it is and nobody wants to hear the truth
-I don't know why you stay with me, I have nothing to give you
-Where did YOU put my (insert object here). It's all your fault because you touch my stuff(which I don't, by the way).
-I drank at night because all middle aged men drink after their wives and children go to bed. Our lives suck and society hates white men in America, just ask them.
-I would never drink and drive with our child in the car, why would you think that of me? (said the day after he did just that)
-No, my doctor didn't tell me NOT to drink while on the Paxil. You spend too much time on the internet, that's just for people who have a REAL drinking problem who drink all day every day. Certainly, not a health hazard for me, don't you see that?
-I broke my company provided computer because they messed up my commission plan and I have every right to break it.
-Other women let their husbands tell them how to drive, why do you have such a problem with it?
-You can't take a joke, why are you so sensitive?(which he says after he's genuinely hurt my feelings and can't handle my tears)

Oh, there are so many more but for some reason this AM, I was just feeling overwhelmed by it all. My therapist is having me do a lot of work on myself and I realize where some of my issues come from. I mean, having your husband who supposedly has committed his life to you say that he thinks you should find a boyfriend or that you'll leave him someday doesn't bode well for confidence in relationships. Then, throw in the drinking and the antidepressants the past 2 years and I am really in need of some serious emotional healing. Thank goodness for counseling and Al Anon!

-

wanttobehealthy 05-11-2012 08:24 AM

Well, based on the post I just made, being told that I am abusing, manipulating and controlling my stbxah because I set a boundary and follow through is a classic manipulation...

"I can't trust you" (projection anyone?)
"The reason I lie about my drinking is bc I don't want to hear your bs about it" (aka I want to do what I want when I want how I want and not have to give a $hit about how it impacts my kids or anyone else)
"You expect too much" (at the end all I "expected" was not to drink when alone with the girls and not to lie to my face but I agree, both expectations were too much for him)
"You don't praise me enough and that's why I resent you"
"You make me feel bad about myself"

I could go on and on but rethinking it all makes me want to vomit.

suki44883 05-11-2012 08:34 AM

http://twistynoodle.com/media/img/r/...68x609_q85.jpg

You can print that out and even color it. Refer to it whenever they imitate the duck. :tongue:

MrsA 05-11-2012 08:37 AM

Some gems from my AH (there are many more but these are some that spring to mind!)

If you didn't nag me I wouldn't drink
I lie about drinking because I'm scared of what your reaction will be (it's always really obvious he's been drinking so why he lies I don't know)
I HAVEN'T been drinking - you're falsely accusing me (I'm not)
I don't know where that bottle came from, it must be old (when it's obviously not)
I don't know, I genuinely don't know where the money went
I might as well drink because you accuse me of it anyway (so it's my fault!)
You shouldn't have a go at me because I didn't even enjoy it, that was really the last time I'll ever drink

Once he came home and two empty cider cans fell out of his pockets as he collapsed on the floor saying I haven't been drinking, and I said well what are these, he said he didn't know!

lizatola 05-11-2012 09:19 AM


Originally Posted by MrsA (Post 3397823)
Some gems from my AH (there are many more but these are some that spring to mind!)

If you didn't nag me I wouldn't drink
I lie about drinking because I'm scared of what your reaction will be (it's always really obvious he's been drinking so why he lies I don't know)
I HAVEN'T been drinking - you're falsely accusing me (I'm not)
I don't know where that bottle came from, it must be old (when it's obviously not)
I don't know, I genuinely don't know where the money went
I might as well drink because you accuse me of it anyway (so it's my fault!)
You shouldn't have a go at me because I didn't even enjoy it, that was really the last time I'll ever drink

Once he came home and two empty cider cans fell out of his pockets as he collapsed on the floor saying I haven't been drinking, and I said well what are these, he said he didn't know!

I used to get the: I hide my drinking to protect you. LOL, yeah that's why.

SoaringSpirits 05-11-2012 09:49 AM

"I have always drank this much. You just didn't notice before."
"I only have a beer or two. Why do you have a problem with that?" (On the day he drank 10 beers; I counted.)
(On the subject of giving up drinking) "What if I want to go out and go wine tasting with friends? What, I can't even do that?" (We live in wine country; we have never once gone out wine tasting. AH wouldn't know the difference between Turley and a bottle of Thunderbird)
"What if I want to go to a party and have a glass of wine, what's the big deal with that?"
"I have cut way back. I am now a regular social drinker." (Oh yeah? So that's why you travel with a half-gallon bottle of vodka in your suitcase and reek of booze 24/7?)

My personal favorite:
"I drink because of your damned horses." (Huh?)
"I will give up alcohol if you give up your damned horses" (Last I checked, there are no 12-step groups for women who ride horses)

Quack! Quack! Quack!

wanttobehealthy 05-11-2012 10:51 AM

Oh I forgot the line of
"I wasn't as honest as I could have been" (instead of admitting he lied, that's how he'd phrase it)
and
"I didn't tell you _______ because I didn't want to hurt you" (hahahahah-- clearly not hurting me is a top priority!)

oh and my personal favorite from a man who hates texting on why he put a passcode on his phone (actually showed me otherwise I'd not have known, or cared!)
"I have my AA journal on the notes app on my phone and don't want you to read it" (this coming from someone who types as little as possible in emails and even less in texts-- there's no way in hell he has a journal on his phone-- but he couldn't stop himself from having to share that he locked his phone-- guess he thought I'd be bothered?) My reply? I don't care what you do or who you are interacting with so lock whatever you like but I am not interested in your private life. The end.

wanttobehealthy 05-11-2012 10:55 AM


My personal favorite:
"I drink because of your damned horses." (Huh?)
"I will give up alcohol if you give up your damned horses" (Last I checked, there are no 12-step groups for women who ride horses)

Quack! Quack! Quack!
Soaring Spirits you reminded me of another (this is actually pretty therapeutic!)...

"I'll go to AA and deal with my drinking when you get serious psychological help for your mental illness"

Me: I have a therapist.

Him: "Not a crappy useless one. It has to be one that I choose since you are choosing AA for me"

And at the time I actually continued the argument with him about this as if any of it were rational!!!!!

AND

"Drinking is my release just like running is yours. So give up running and I'll give up drinking".

Obviously I said hell to the no about that one and he told me I might need to look into exercising addiction and treatment for eating disorders and said I was in denial I had a problem. And again I argued with him over it like it was a rational point.

For the record I don't have an exercise addiction or eating disorder (though I was anorexic about 20 yrs ago and AH knew that).

chronsweet 05-11-2012 11:00 AM


Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits (Post 3397886)
"I will give up alcohol if you give up your damned horses" (Last I checked, there are no 12-step groups for women who ride horses)

HAHA, I have actually been told, I will give up drinking if you quit drinking Diet Coke. You drink too much Diet Coke. I don't drink Diet Coke anymore or hardly any soda for that matter (because I am trying to make healthier choices to lose some weight) BUT he is still drinking 10-15 beers a day and sippin' on those little plastic one shotters of hard alcohol.

LOL

chronsweet 05-11-2012 11:05 AM

And been told, "I can't be an alcoholic because I only drink beer".

He does drink MOSTLY beer but it is a daily habit and he consumes 1) enough to get slobbery drunk 2) what I'd consider a fair amount of between 10-15 in a short period of time between 5:00 - 9:00 3) wakes up on the weekends and starts in about 10:00 am in the morning, sometimes as late as noon 4) I have been finding (not by looking) beer and hard alcohol bottles stashed in some of the dumbest places

Justfor1 05-11-2012 11:36 AM

liz, he probably blames the police for the DUI & says they should be out catching "real criminals". Thats a popular one with the drunk driving crowd.

lizatola 05-11-2012 12:10 PM


Originally Posted by Justfor1 (Post 3397986)
liz, he probably blames the police for the DUI & says they should be out catching "real criminals". Thats a popular one with the drunk driving crowd.

Oh, in regards to the DUI I've heard things like this:
You should have seen the people at the courthouse, what a bunch of criminals.
Yep, he said that while he sat there waiting to meet with the prosecution for his own crime. DUH

Or this: He's made insinuations that he will have to be in jail with REAL criminals. Hmm, as opposed to what? You committed a CRIME, doesn't that make YOU a criminal?

This one is my favorite, which I've posted here before: My lawyer says I can buy a beater car and put the interlock device in it so that I can drive my regular car around. If I get stopped, it'll just be a slap on the wrist. Everyone else drives on a suspended license. No biggie.

I have chosen at this point to just shut my pie hole about the whole driving thing. I can't handle the insanity of it anymore!

LaneyT 05-11-2012 12:39 PM

If you would have sex with me more I wouldn't have to drink.

I made it a point a long time ago to have sex with him once a day for 10 days straight. You know how many of those days he got drunk????? Yep you guessed it 10!

I'm not an alcholic I just drink alot.

I'm not drunk. I don't get drunk. I can handle a 5th of whiskey.

I'm not as bad as _______.

If I quit drinking you would just find something else to b*tch about.

I had a stressful day.

I was going to just buy a small bottle but the bigger bottle was a better deal. I will only drink a 1/4 of tonight and then I can drink the rest tomorrow and the next day.
(Yep right again....the whole liter or whatever size the handles are was gone that night)

My favorite is the honest one I overheard him telling his drinking buddy one night.

She is just going to have to get over it. I am going to drink and do whatever I want and there is nothing she can do about it.

I've been told also alot of the others posted on here. It is funny how they all sound the same. I've been told I was addicted to diet coke also. I told him when my drinking diet coke caused problems with everyone in the house that I would be more than happy to quit it. He then told me that his drinking wasn't the problem it was everyone elses attitude about it.

tomsteve 05-11-2012 12:40 PM

recovering alcoholic here and ya'll are makin me laugh! not because this is funny, but because i have used many of these excuses and i can see just how insane i was!

chronsweet 05-11-2012 12:47 PM

Laney,

I love the one about the sex. I can't muster up the emotion to have sex with him though. Ugh. He uses it on me alot and to also justify my 'alleged affair'.

m1k3 05-11-2012 12:59 PM

My favorite is the apology I would get from my AW on those rare occasions I would get one.


I'm sorry you feel that way.
God, I hated that one.

I found out talking with my adult daughters that they got that one too, and feel the same way about it.

LaneyT 05-11-2012 01:02 PM

If I had a penny for everytime I got accused of cheating because I didn't want to have sex with him, I would be rich. :)

They just don't get it. They are very unattractive while drunk. Their performance is lacking. The things that they say are a BIG turn off. Yet we are expected to just swoon at the thought of having sex with them and if we don't then it must mean that we are having sex with someone else......smh

Haybelly 05-11-2012 01:24 PM


Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits (Post 3397886)

My personal favorite:
"I drink because of your damned horses." (Huh?)
"I will give up alcohol if you give up your damned horses" (Last I checked, there are no 12-step groups for women who ride horses)

Quack! Quack! Quack!


Oh my goodness...are you also married to my STBXAH? I can't tell you how many times he's thrown those very words at me!

EmmyG 05-11-2012 01:51 PM

I saw an email in my AH's business email (which I had access to because I helped him) and saw an email from him asking a friend if they knew where to get coke (this is while he was on a night out). He laughed and said I was insane for believing it was for him, that he was asking for a friend. This is Los Angeles, and the people he was with would have no problem finding their own drugs. He was mad at me for asking about it for days.


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