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Old 04-02-2012, 02:50 PM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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FINALLY.....some good news for a change wanttobeheathy!
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Old 04-02-2012, 05:25 PM
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Congrats.... Continue to be strong and keep yourselfsafe!
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Old 04-02-2012, 06:14 PM
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7

This is really wonderful news.
Yes, this is what should be happening, people can now "see" what you have been dealing with.
Wow, too bad the newspaper cant report he is a loon. Maybe a retraction?
This is a great victory for you, and I am delighted for your family.

Beth
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Old 04-02-2012, 07:40 PM
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here's the more detailed version of this morning... i couldn't post it all while at work...
i have to say that feeling the freedom that comes from having the worst imaginable thing happen, get publicized and now having survived it and have the support of others -- well, i feel really strong and like i can conquer anything. i am ready to fight and feel empowered and it's nice for a change to not feel like i'm a victim.

so here's the whole story:

the school i work at is part of a larger organization and there's one executive dir for the whole place. she and the board make all decisions about anything significant. so, this exec director is the woman i went to meet with today.

all weekend M (my boss who is the principal of the alternative school) told me she had no idea whether i would have a job or not and that the exec director and the board had to meet with the lawyer for the umbrella organization to determine what to do.

so i went in today not sure whether i'd have a job or be fired. i was praying it would be the former but wasn't feeling good about it at all. i was expecting the worst and prepared myself for it.

i got there and the exec director hadn't yet arrived. she came in a few minutes later and was friendly and warm and i felt better instantly. we sat down in her office with her pulling a chair up next to me and she patted my arm and right off the bat said that while she didn't know me well, she knew that there was no way i was guilty and that in her experience (she is older) many many abused women get set up by their abusers and she's seen more than a few women arrested just like me in her lifetime and she knew right away what the real story was.

i was stunned (in a good way). she hardly knows me, doesn't know AH at all and believed me without my ever saying a word. my boss M had apparently told her what she knew and unbeknownst to me, my colleages (all of whom had been emailed about the article by M over the weekend) all wrote letters to the exec director over the weekend saying that i was wonderful and the kids love me and they all love me and that there's no way i would do anything i was accused of. people i barely know all standing up for me. just amazing.

so the kind, caring, amazing exec director and i talked for well over an hour and she said she knew a little about personality disorders and that what i was going through with AH sounded to her like classic narcissistic personality and borderline personality (both diagnoses fit AH's behavior to a 'T'). she said that it was her thinking that when someone finally divorces and breaks free from crazy men like AH that that's when they usually get worse (got him pegged!) and she said that reading the article there's no way anyone should think that i was the guilty party. (i thought that was a stretch bc i think i sound guilty in it but that's an aside!)

she kept asking what she could do to help and i explained that i have a lawyer and what he was doing and she told me that the umbrella organization has lawyers on retainer and if i ever need to speak to another attorney to let her know and they would help with advice.

she also told me that she is good friends with the man who is the executive director of an organization similar to the one she runs that is here in my town. i know this man bc AH and i worked for him once (not sure if my current exec director knows that). anyway, he has a lot of connections in the education world and she told me that unless i had an issue with it (and i said i sure didn't) that she would like to share some of this with the the exec director of the program in my town so that he can perhaps influence some of the lie spreading that AH surely will try to do here in town.

i can't really capture how amazing the meeting with her was but she was more caring and compassionate and totally GOT it about AH than i could have ever imagined.

she apologized (which was unnecessary) for making me a stress case all weekend but said that she had to meet with the board and the lawyers before she could assure me my job was secure even though she wanted to tell me it was safe from the get go.

she assured me over and over that my job was totally secure from now until forever and that she was amazed at the job i did at the huge re-accredidation presentation i did last week considering all i have going on. she was really complimentary and kind and i assured her that my personal crap would not impact work anymore at all and she continued to tell me that if there was anything she could do to help, she would. she offered that i could send D4 to the day care/pre-k that is at the main building of the umbrella organization and said that she will set the record straight with anyone who brings up the article.

it was totally the opposite of what i expected and i feel blessed (and i am NOT religious at all) to have such an amazingly caring boss and boss's boss. my colleagues were amazing today too...

so, that's the story...

remarkable huh?!

this is a job i was hesitant to take bc it is not a public school and last fall when i was offered it (after being unemployed due to budget cuts) i was worried about things like salary and benefits not being as good as a public school. i can tell you that there's NO way a public school administrator wouldve been like my exec director was. she was amazing.

she told me over and over that everyone has issues, everyone has skeletons and that my being forthright and totally open about what the whole story is was honorable and brave and made her respect me more than she already did. i almost was crying at that point.

i feel blessed-- in spite of all the crap that has gone on, i recognize that things could be so so so much worse tonight. i still have my job, i have my girls, i have the support of people who have no reason to support me (they have known me only since late october) and i can see how much more fortunate i am than i could be right now...

so... maybe things are starting to look up?
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Old 04-02-2012, 08:06 PM
  # 65 (permalink)  
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(((wtbh))) - that is absolutely amazing, and I'm saying a special "thank you" prayer for all those who are coming to support you.

Get a good night's sleep, sweetie. It's going to be okay Your AH may have just met his match in a team of people who know how he really is and who have your back

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 04-02-2012, 08:08 PM
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i was almost was crying at that point.
Now, I am almost crying, got some feelings in there!

so... maybe things are starting to look up?
Yes, yes things are starting to look up!

Beth
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Old 04-03-2012, 08:55 AM
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she told me over and over that everyone has issues, everyone has skeletons and that my being forthright and totally open about what the whole story is was honorable and brave and made her respect me more than she already did. i almost was crying at that point.
I may or may not have shed a tear with this update. YES, it is true that we all have skeletons in our closets. It's what we DO about them and how we handle them that is a true test of our moral character.

I'd chalk this up to a victory.
(And I'll try to pop you that email tonight. )

xxoo
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:06 AM
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That woman sounds like an *angel*!! Thank heavens for her and for the others that are rallying around you because they know the real person that you are, and know that your AH is trying to discredit you. Sending continuous good karma and strength to you and your girls!
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:56 AM
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You guys I just can't tell you how many things are clicking into place right now. And you know what? It's all because I finally opened my mouth and stopped lying either directly or by ommission about what life has been like and have decided to eat humble pie and own what I say and say it without apology.

Today, even more amazing things have happened... Again, I am at work and have to be brief but will post more as soon as I can.
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Old 04-03-2012, 10:40 AM
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It's amazing how the universe cooperates when you let things be exactly as they are. Not only is your AH's web of deceit starting to unravel, but it also sounds like your new life is starting to come together. So happy for you.

L
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Old 04-03-2012, 11:18 AM
  # 71 (permalink)  
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okay here's the story...

went to D6's school for a pre scheduled meeting to discuss math issues. D6 actually stayed home sick and AH was the one who stayed with her bc I can't miss work so while he was invited to the meeting by the school and I would have had to let him come (my lawyer said the RO can't bar him from school events) he opted not to (my mother is the one who communicated with him). it worked out very nicely that he was not there and was just a fortuitous occurance.

i sit down with the special ed coord and D6's teacher and the sped teacher for grade 1 and express my concerns about D6 and math. her teacher agrees with me that D6 is anxious and nervous about being wrong and afraid to make mistakes (children of alcoholic traits anyone?!?!). she said that her confidence is poor and that she sees D6 copying other kids not bc she doesn't know how to do the work but bc she seems so fearful of making a mistake. all very hard to hear, but all very clear to me already and i see it at home too. i tried for years to tell AH that we had to be consistent and kind with she and D4 and encoruage them and hold them to standards and be, well, sane parents. instead, one minute he would be loving, then crazy and angry and demanding and math is a weak area for her and his tolerance for that is very low...

anyway, we discussed that she has more confidence issues than learning ones and the team and i talked about options for giving her more math support but also tlc and confidence boosting stuff.

then the sped coord looked right at me and asked if there were anything else that might contribute to some of D6's worry. her teacher was already nodding (bc i have spoken to her teacher privately about home issues and their possible impact on D6 at school) and i teared up (i had been cool and collected til then) and asked to close the door.

D6's teacher lives in the town i work in and i assumed she'd seen the article of my arrest so i took a deep breath and said that yes, there were many many issues at home that were causing stress and that i was in no way suggesting school was the sole issue or that the math issues were occuring in isolation. then i said that i needed to tell them something bc they might already know it or read it or hear of it and i preferred that i tell them myself and i told them that 2 weeks ago the girls saw me be hit, that i called the police and that i was arrested instead of AH. i expected shock and judgement and instead there was nodding and no one looked all that surprised. the sped coord said that she knew from the first time we met last summer (AH has been at all the other meetings) that something was not right and that in spite of all i had recently been through now, that i seemed much calmer and that it was noticable that that was bc AH was absent.

i talked to them all for another 40 min or so and expressed my concerns about how it has all impacted D6 and what i see at home and how many of the concerns they see in her at school are classic ACOA (except she isn't an adult child yet). the sped coord said that she had guessed as much in watching how D6 interacts with other kids and that while she is a sweet loving girl, she is always watching others to see how they react.

they asked about my safety and the girls, i explained what was in place and the legal steps that are in process.

i emphasized that my concern and my reason for sharing it all was D6 and that i did not want to come off at all as badmouthing AH and i really truly meant it. they all said they understood and that i was simply sharing info out of concern for D6 and said that they'd write none of it in the minutes (bc copies are going to AH) and they assured me that the conversation would stay private.

D6's teacher said that she has invited D6 and two other girls to have a girl lunch on fridays bc they are such good kids it's a reward of sorts and that she will do it each fri from now on to give D6 some extra love. and the sped teacher for 1st grade who doesn't work with D6 but knows her bc she is in her class a lot said that she'd take D6 and play a game with she and a friend once a week at lunch for some extra attention.

they all said that they were grateful i told them and that it will help them be better attuned to D6's needs. they told me to not stress over math homework and that building D6's confidence is more important than function boxes in everyday math (which is a nightmare program in my opinion).

D6 is an amazing reader and is in the highest group and is the highest kid in her group and her teacher said that she wanted to find a book for D6 as a special gift and asked if that was okay

i have talked to D6's school before this but had not been as honest and blunt about the reality of what it is like for the girls until now. my being arrested and spending a night in jail was hell and the worst 24 hrs of my life, BUT it has been my bottom i think and it has opened the door for a conversation about what has been occuring that i otherwise might not have had.

AH works in the district that we live in. there are now 2 administrators and 2 teachers at D6's school who know precisely what kind of man AH is and my town is small and no doubt people will talk. i don't wish ill upon AH and i don't want him fired bc the girls are financially dependent on him to a degree. but his power to lie, distort and manipulate is going to be greatly reduced by the fact that there are people who know the truth.

i do have a teeny bit of fear that the team that met will go to AH with what what said or that perhaps they don't believe me and think i am making it all up or worse, that i am the one who has caused harm to D6. i want to believe these fears are irrational and a product of the things AH has told me to believe.

so, the bottom line is that D6 has a ton more support than before, she has amazing teachers and school staff who get it completely and i want to trust that i have the support of those folks too.

at one point the sped coord said to me that she knows that alcoholics constantly change the rules and that no matter how perfect D6 or i or anyone try to be, it will never be okay. she said too that she understands that no one in the system takes people seriously when there aren't bruises and car crashes etc... and she said that emotional abuse and high functioning alcoholism is something she wishes the court and legal system would recognize for as harmful as it is. clearly she has some experience with this i think...

so, i have work support, friends support, family support and now community support. i even told them that i know he works in the district and don't want to make him look bad but that i want people to know that there is more that goes on at home than it appears when he sits in meetings and is charming and wonderful. they all nodded and i knew that they got it.

so, D6 is in good hands and now AH can tell anyone anything he wants about me and i hope he does keep badmouthing me bc all it will do is make him continue to look like the abuser and blamer that he is.
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Old 04-03-2012, 11:33 AM
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running up to WTBH and giving you a BIG, HUGE bear hug!!!!
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Old 04-03-2012, 12:49 PM
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i do have a teeny bit of fear that the team that met will go to AH with what what said or that perhaps they don't believe me and think i am making it all up or worse, that i am the one who has caused harm to D6. i want to believe these fears are irrational and a product of the things AH has told me to believe.
In the end, he can say whatever he wants. Castles built of sand eventually crumble. You're building yours on a rock, the truth.
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Old 04-03-2012, 04:45 PM
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Happy to here things are working out for you. But I have to ask, is your husband capable of taking care of your daughters? Father or not he does not seem sane capable of "babysitting" your daughters. Following your posts I think your husbands problems are much, much deeper & more complex than alcoholism. A sociopath cannot work a honest program of recovery until those issues get better.
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Old 04-03-2012, 05:52 PM
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Justfor1- no I do not think he is capable of caring for the girls but I have called Child Protective Services, documented everything I can, and told the police about his behavior (and they told the police that they saw him hit me and it didn't matter to the cops) so evidently until there is blood or bruising, no one gives a $hit. He spends VERY little time with them bc he can't tolerate any part of parenting beyond brief praising from the girls BUT I have no doubt that when it comes to fighting for custody, he will do that bc in the end ALL that the matters to him is that he is viewed as a great guy. He ought to have been an actor bc he puts on an academy award worthy performance outside of his private life and it's sickening.
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
BUT I have no doubt that when it comes to fighting for custody, he will do that bc in the end ALL that the matters to him is that he is viewed as a great guy.
.....I think the thing that matters even more than that is to see you "destroyed", even if his precious daughters get destroyed along with you.
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:23 PM
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WTBH,

I'm going through a similar situation... My STBXAH doesn't really want the responsibility of parenting but he doesn't want to be seen as a deadbeat dad. He has tried to cause all sorts of havoc... But it hasn't worked because I chose not to react. I keep my focus on taking care of the kids.

I LOVE that you talked to the school. I did the same thing and it was the best thing I could have done for the kiddos. They are both now seeing a school therapist and that's been a godsend. They don't even know she's a therapist... They just call her the Happy Lady!

You are doing great. Keep the focus on doing what's best for you and the kids... And life will continue to blossom
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:24 PM
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I have no doubt that when it comes to fighting for custody, he will do that bc in the end ALL that the matters to him is that he is viewed as a great guy.

The "father" of my youngest daughter was exactly like this. He was no father in the true sense of the word, but because I dared to divorce him, he went out of his way to punish me, having no consideration whatever how that would affect our daughter. He sounds very much like your husband.

All I can tell you is that in the end, when our daughter was of legal age, she changed her last name from his to my maiden name, which I went back to after our divorce. She wants nothing to do with him. Kids realize more than we give them credit for sometimes. Just keep doing the next right thing and your daughters, when they are old enough, will realize the truth. That doesn't mean you won't suffer now...I did, but in the end, it was all justified.
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Old 04-03-2012, 11:25 PM
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Dear WTBH I am so glad the teachers get it and support D6!! hugs!!
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Old 04-04-2012, 10:39 AM
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Getting By and Suki- What kind of custody arrangements did the courts grant your ex?

I have no choice but to let him spend time with the girls right now and frankly feel like I will be better emotionally prepared if I have some examples of the kinds of shared custody arrangements people have gone through with their A ex's...
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