wanttobehealthy

okay here's the story...

went to D6's school for a pre scheduled meeting to discuss math issues. D6 actually stayed home sick and AH was the one who stayed with her bc I can't miss work so while he was invited to the meeting by the school and I would have had to let him come (my lawyer said the RO can't bar him from school events) he opted not to (my mother is the one who communicated with him). it worked out very nicely that he was not there and was just a fortuitous occurance.

i sit down with the special ed coord and D6's teacher and the sped teacher for grade 1 and express my concerns about D6 and math. her teacher agrees with me that D6 is anxious and nervous about being wrong and afraid to make mistakes (children of alcoholic traits anyone?!?!). she said that her confidence is poor and that she sees D6 copying other kids not bc she doesn't know how to do the work but bc she seems so fearful of making a mistake. all very hard to hear, but all very clear to me already and i see it at home too. i tried for years to tell AH that we had to be consistent and kind with she and D4 and encoruage them and hold them to standards and be, well, sane parents. instead, one minute he would be loving, then crazy and angry and demanding and math is a weak area for her and his tolerance for that is very low...

anyway, we discussed that she has more confidence issues than learning ones and the team and i talked about options for giving her more math support but also tlc and confidence boosting stuff.

then the sped coord looked right at me and asked if there were anything else that might contribute to some of D6's worry. her teacher was already nodding (bc i have spoken to her teacher privately about home issues and their possible impact on D6 at school) and i teared up (i had been cool and collected til then) and asked to close the door.

D6's teacher lives in the town i work in and i assumed she'd seen the article of my arrest so i took a deep breath and said that yes, there were many many issues at home that were causing stress and that i was in no way suggesting school was the sole issue or that the math issues were occuring in isolation. then i said that i needed to tell them something bc they might already know it or read it or hear of it and i preferred that i tell them myself and i told them that 2 weeks ago the girls saw me be hit, that i called the police and that i was arrested instead of AH. i expected shock and judgement and instead there was nodding and no one looked all that surprised. the sped coord said that she knew from the first time we met last summer (AH has been at all the other meetings) that something was not right and that in spite of all i had recently been through now, that i seemed much calmer and that it was noticable that that was bc AH was absent.

i talked to them all for another 40 min or so and expressed my concerns about how it has all impacted D6 and what i see at home and how many of the concerns they see in her at school are classic ACOA (except she isn't an adult child yet). the sped coord said that she had guessed as much in watching how D6 interacts with other kids and that while she is a sweet loving girl, she is always watching others to see how they react.

they asked about my safety and the girls, i explained what was in place and the legal steps that are in process.

i emphasized that my concern and my reason for sharing it all was D6 and that i did not want to come off at all as badmouthing AH and i really truly meant it. they all said they understood and that i was simply sharing info out of concern for D6 and said that they'd write none of it in the minutes (bc copies are going to AH) and they assured me that the conversation would stay private.

D6's teacher said that she has invited D6 and two other girls to have a girl lunch on fridays bc they are such good kids it's a reward of sorts and that she will do it each fri from now on to give D6 some extra love. and the sped teacher for 1st grade who doesn't work with D6 but knows her bc she is in her class a lot said that she'd take D6 and play a game with she and a friend once a week at lunch for some extra attention.

they all said that they were grateful i told them and that it will help them be better attuned to D6's needs. they told me to not stress over math homework and that building D6's confidence is more important than function boxes in everyday math (which is a nightmare program in my opinion).

D6 is an amazing reader and is in the highest group and is the highest kid in her group and her teacher said that she wanted to find a book for D6 as a special gift and asked if that was okay

i have talked to D6's school before this but had not been as honest and blunt about the reality of what it is like for the girls until now. my being arrested and spending a night in jail was hell and the worst 24 hrs of my life, BUT it has been my bottom i think and it has opened the door for a conversation about what has been occuring that i otherwise might not have had.

AH works in the district that we live in. there are now 2 administrators and 2 teachers at D6's school who know precisely what kind of man AH is and my town is small and no doubt people will talk. i don't wish ill upon AH and i don't want him fired bc the girls are financially dependent on him to a degree. but his power to lie, distort and manipulate is going to be greatly reduced by the fact that there are people who know the truth.

i do have a teeny bit of fear that the team that met will go to AH with what what said or that perhaps they don't believe me and think i am making it all up or worse, that i am the one who has caused harm to D6. i want to believe these fears are irrational and a product of the things AH has told me to believe.

so, the bottom line is that D6 has a ton more support than before, she has amazing teachers and school staff who get it completely and i want to trust that i have the support of those folks too.

at one point the sped coord said to me that she knows that alcoholics constantly change the rules and that no matter how perfect D6 or i or anyone try to be, it will never be okay. she said too that she understands that no one in the system takes people seriously when there aren't bruises and car crashes etc... and she said that emotional abuse and high functioning alcoholism is something she wishes the court and legal system would recognize for as harmful as it is. clearly she has some experience with this i think...

so, i have work support, friends support, family support and now community support. i even told them that i know he works in the district and don't want to make him look bad but that i want people to know that there is more that goes on at home than it appears when he sits in meetings and is charming and wonderful. they all nodded and i knew that they got it.

so, D6 is in good hands and now AH can tell anyone anything he wants about me and i hope he does keep badmouthing me bc all it will do is make him continue to look like the abuser and blamer that he is.