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"no one is giving him a chance"

Old 12-29-2011, 01:56 PM
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"no one is giving him a chance"

He is about to lose it again, And when he does, he will blame me.

Ex called on Wednesday and said that he had a gift from his son to my daughter, and a small gift from me. I have exchanged short texts and a couple of calls only since Thanksgiving when he binged and called my parents house and my phone with obscenitites. He reports that he has been sober since then, although there was one night that he sent me some rediculous texts late at night. The next day I was wondering if my gut was right. I logged into his debit card account and there it was, a charge to the Moose Lodge.

After several strange texts basically yelling at me for not "giving him a chance" I asked if he had been drinking the night before. He told me that he had gone there to get a cheeseburger.

He has been very upset because my father was very ill, had an episode with his health which included 5 days in ICU. I asked him to stay away from my family and the hospital.

At the same time, his mother, sister, brother, and nephews went to Disney. He was not invited.

So when I talk to him or he texts he is very angry. He says that he isn't drinking and "no one is giving him a chance."

Long story short, ex and I were going to be Married last April 20. I left April 1 after he lost his job, left rehab after two days, and things had gotten so bad that I knew there was nothing left to do but leave.

Over the summer, he went to an Atlanta rehab that promised to be upscale and private and was not a 12 step program. He was given meds. He left there and went back home, where only after a couple of weeks started drinking again, all while telling everyone in his family and me that things were getting better and he was working with the rehab by skype and making improvements. In August, it was clear that he was drinking again. He was even arrested and had a mug shot online and still denied it.

So in September he moved to where I am, the town where we both grew up. He got a job working for this state. I saw him a few times, talked on the phone, tried to be supportive. My gut told me to protect myself. My gut was right.

So here we are. He will be sober for a few days or weeks and then be angry because everyone doesn't cater to him and I don't go running back. I told him that I needed to see real and lasting change and it would take time to have any trust again.

All I get back is that "no one is giving him a chance".

And I feel guilt in moving on with my life, which I deserve to do. I deserve peace and serenity.

How do I answer this? Nothing I have said stops his pity party or texts asking "do you love me?" and "why aren't you giving me a chance" He doesn't seem to understand when I tell him that he has to take care of himself.

Do I go NC?

I feel like he is about to binge, I almost feel it coming on. I think he will again blame me. I'm smart enough to know it doesn't have anything to do with me.

Anyone have wisdom here?
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Old 12-29-2011, 01:59 PM
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How many chances does he expect? If it were me, I think I'd tell him I was done and then go NC.
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Old 12-29-2011, 02:02 PM
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I don't recall if you have any children with this man, but if you don't, then yes, I strongly suggest going no contact. Living in the same town might mean that you will occasionally come into inadvertent contact with him, but that can be handled by just walking by or going in another direction.

His problems aren't your problems and you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty because he still doesn't get it. The only thing contact with him does is result in instances like this one and that just keeps the whole thing going. My advice is to stop the dance.
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Old 12-29-2011, 02:04 PM
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Originally Posted by XXXXXXXXXX View Post
Do I go NC?
Yes!! He is not going to change. His alcoholism is a freight train coming down the tracks right at you. Get out of the way or it will run you over!
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Old 12-29-2011, 02:11 PM
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I agree with NC. I'm an RA and recovering codie. When I was still using, I relished in being angry and blaming people for MY problems. Anything that was said to me, no matter how true or how much I needed to hear it, was just fuel for more complaints about how my life sucked.

When people finally started shutting me out, consequences piled up, I was forced to look at myself. I chose recovery, not everyone does.

I understand the guilt - I lived with that for a long time, but it's not yours to carry. If all else fails, I like what I've heard here as a response - "hmmmm". It tends to make a conversation really quick, as they can't argue/defend/blame if the other person isn't saying anything.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 12-29-2011, 02:17 PM
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I sometimes think we give substances too much credit.

Immaturity, irresponsibility, hostility, narsisism and more remain long after the substance is gone.

Rehab was just a pause for this guy.
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Old 12-29-2011, 02:24 PM
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Hello XXXXX: I understand your frustration with not knowing how to answer some of their questions.

Perhaps your response when he says, "no one is giving me a chance" could be something along the lines of "Wow, that must really suck." Then of course you would want to quickly go NC because I can imagine he could really start the blame game then. It seems like your best option is to go No Contact because some of the addicts' statements really do suck us in. If you ever watched Joan of Arcadia, many times Joan would come up with some question that God did not want to answer, so God would just turn around and start walking away while giving Joan a wave. Just like that.
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Old 12-29-2011, 02:51 PM
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One of the hardest quandaries is that when the alcoholic/addict is trying to straighten up, those around him/her aren't very willing to "be there" and "give them a chance." It's really easy to see how the people involve clash. Sounds to me like yep, he's had a rough time with being upset over your dad's illness and not being able to see him. Not being invited to Disneyland with his family. Bad time of the year to try to get a listening ear or help from people who are sick and tired of all the problems. Those type of things would upset anyone, not just a addict/alcoholic. Legitimate hurts. But hey...everyone has pain. We deal without hurting others.

You definitely deserve peace. He's calling and yelling at people? No...not cool. If he's going to get loaded he should stay away from everyone. So I vote - NC!
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Old 12-29-2011, 02:56 PM
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Well, when I read your post the concept of KING BABY SYNDROME came immediately to mind... I think you'll find a few passages you can relate to:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-syndrome.html
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Old 12-29-2011, 04:34 PM
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I think no contact is a great idea - but that means NO CONTACT - no calls, texts, email, talks to friends, monitoring of Facebook/email/bank accounts, interception of mail, delivering messages to/from him for others, interogation of mutal acquaintances re: his behavior, no quizzing his family members - N O T H I N G.

If he is your ex, why do you have access to his debit card account? He is a grown man on his own. You are not his mommy! He can spend his money any way he likes even if it means getting drunk because he is NOT your reponsibility. It is really hard at first, but I think you will probably feel better for it in the long run.

JMHO....
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Old 12-29-2011, 04:53 PM
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Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel View Post
I think no contact is a great idea - but that means NO CONTACT - no calls, texts, email, talks to friends, monitoring of Facebook/email/bank accounts, interception of mail, delivering messages to/from him for others, interogation of mutal acquaintances re: his behavior, no quizzing his family members - N O T H I N G.

If he is your ex, why do you have access to his debit card account? He is a grown man on his own. You are not his mommy! He can spend his money any way he likes even if it means getting drunk because he is NOT your reponsibility. It is really hard at first, but I think you will probably feel better for it in the long run.

JMHO....
This is true, it is a trap for me. I looked because I thought he was lying. I didn't need to snoop to confirm what I already knew
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Old 12-29-2011, 09:06 PM
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Originally Posted by XXXXXXXXXX View Post
This is true, it is a trap for me. I looked because I thought he was lying. I didn't need to snoop to confirm what I already knew
Isn't amazing how "we knew"! I knew when my husband was sneaking, but couldn't prove it. Finally the charade was over and he confesse but WE ALWAYS KNOW!

I recommend NC. If you havent been to Al-Anon, I recommend it. Also "Courage to Change" is a wonderful book. It's daily reading for me! By continuing to be part of his "alcoholic madness" you may be prolonging his recovery. He was to want it for himself, and you can't give it to him. You can only work on finding peace and joy in YOUR life.

Prayers for strength and courage!
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Old 12-29-2011, 09:24 PM
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Outtolunch - thank you so much for your insight! I needed that tonight!
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Old 12-29-2011, 11:09 PM
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The addict will always feel sorry for him/herself but never for you.
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Old 12-30-2011, 02:10 AM
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The A will ALWAYS find someone else to blame and when they are down EVERYONE is against them - you know the drill.
He is being a big baby - don't get sucked in. He's feeling sorry for himself so, let him wallow.

poor me....
poor me...
poor me...
pour me another
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Old 12-30-2011, 07:09 AM
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"And yes you sure did give me chances. More than I deserved. But I wasn't listening being selfish. But now I'm wanting another to show you that I can be that guy that you deserve. The guy who participAtes and stuff. The guy who loves you so much. So have I lost you for good?"

Are you too heartbroken to forget or forgive? Did I honestly ruin everything? Do I deserve another chance? Guess I just don't want to lose this time. This is one of the hardest things I've ever been through. God I love you so much!

So I've lost you for good? Huh? I mean really?

Asked the same question 2 years ago. "What now". Damn what a different reponse!

Still hoping!

Seriously! Your ignoring all night?

Hello? Are you there?

Please stop!

Well repond sometime tonight!

Didn't think you were one to give up?

help me. show me how you want to be loved. You tried once, but I wasn't looking. You've come this far. Don't throw it away now. Do you understand what I'm trying to say or no?

These are texts that came all night while the phone was off, after I said that I didn't want to see him this weekend and that I didn't want to talk at all right now. I'm thinking it is the crying baby. If I respond, it will just last longer and get worse. New number would be disastrous as I use this fir work. Ifi block, he will just find another phone to call from. I'm hoping this too shall pass.
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:00 AM
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i have been in this mans footsteps and in hindsight it was a blessing in disguise when everyone one turned there backs on me. only then will he be alone and feel real pain which i think helped me out. nc do yourself and your family a favour an live in peace not sorrow. foxy ps he is the only person who can tread the path to soberity only when he has no more family suport will he no he is alone. i think that should be enough to put anyone straight. all the best
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:07 AM
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It is manipulation. My xah did a lot of that and when that didn't work it got mean and abusive. If I answered one word it fueled the fire like gasoline and it got ugly quick. I learned to totally ignore fast.
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:08 AM
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He's not your child, cut the damn chord and move on. There's an awesome life out there, go and get it.
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:15 AM
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I had to put up with constant messages like that for TWO YEARS after I broke up with an alcoholic & abusive bf. Learn how to ignore or delete without reading. Get real good at it. It is the ONLY thing that works.
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