Could this be it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
Could this be it?
My husband is in semi denial that he is an alcoholic. We have been around and around the subject. We fight (or he breaks down), he swears he will stop drinking. He stops usually for 2 days. Then he has a bad day so he just has a few beers, just buys a six pack. Then a few days later he buys a slab (4x6 packs) because it's cheaper. Then we are back to 2 or 3 slabs a week. And I am the nag because I object to a hard working man enjoying a beer at the end of the night. 
But this time, after the stopping, followed by the 6 pack, I confronted him. I cried, said I am worried about the example to the kids who think that you need a beer at the end of every day, and that you drink them like water. The realisation that he is affecting the kids seems to really shake him, and I followed it by getting them all in the car and taking them out for the evening. I expected to come back home and find him drunk but no. He still had one of the 6 pack left in the fridge and he hasn't drunk it. This is day 4. He has never gone this long before. Am I kidding myself, could this be it? The rock bottom when he realises the cost of his alcoholism in more than monetary terms? Or is this a blip, is rock bottom when he loses his job, or gets a DUI, or we lose the house?
I hate that I don't know what I am doing in this. This is not the life I expected. I know it's a bit petulant of me but I want a husband I can depend on, not one I am constantly watching and worrying about.
But this time, after the stopping, followed by the 6 pack, I confronted him. I cried, said I am worried about the example to the kids who think that you need a beer at the end of every day, and that you drink them like water. The realisation that he is affecting the kids seems to really shake him, and I followed it by getting them all in the car and taking them out for the evening. I expected to come back home and find him drunk but no. He still had one of the 6 pack left in the fridge and he hasn't drunk it. This is day 4. He has never gone this long before. Am I kidding myself, could this be it? The rock bottom when he realises the cost of his alcoholism in more than monetary terms? Or is this a blip, is rock bottom when he loses his job, or gets a DUI, or we lose the house?
I hate that I don't know what I am doing in this. This is not the life I expected. I know it's a bit petulant of me but I want a husband I can depend on, not one I am constantly watching and worrying about.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
It is possible that this is the end for him, but from my experience it is not really likely.
No one can know what is inside of his head, and what it is going to take for him to make changes in his life. I do know few people who at one point decided they're done with drinking and just quit with no help of any program. But that is extremely rare. No one can know if your husband is one of them or not.
The more important point is it doesn't depend on you. Nothing you do or say will make him drink or not again. That's why it is important you take care of yourself.
My husband is in recovery for some 8 months now. This time his recovery feels more true than ever before. We're living a nice life and as family we are happy. I've left the past in the past, I don't think about it as it would be only hurting me. I gave our marriage a clean start, I'm acting from the position as the past has never happen, but in the same time I'm perfectly aware his sobriety might not last. I know what I would do if he drinks again, I'm prepared for it, but I don't let that thought spoil my today.
I guess the best way to put it would be to say: I'm living like we have a guarantee for the best possible happy ever after, and in the same time I'm more than prepared for the worst case scenario.
It took me a great strength to do that, but more than everything it took a lot of work on myself.
My point is it is OK to hope for the best and give it a chance as long as you're being realistic and as long as you don't base your personal happiness on someone else's actions.
I wish you both the best.
Also I higly recomend sticking around this forum and educating yourself about the disease of alcoholsim as much as you can. There is some great wisdom here.
Welcome!
No one can know what is inside of his head, and what it is going to take for him to make changes in his life. I do know few people who at one point decided they're done with drinking and just quit with no help of any program. But that is extremely rare. No one can know if your husband is one of them or not.
The more important point is it doesn't depend on you. Nothing you do or say will make him drink or not again. That's why it is important you take care of yourself.
My husband is in recovery for some 8 months now. This time his recovery feels more true than ever before. We're living a nice life and as family we are happy. I've left the past in the past, I don't think about it as it would be only hurting me. I gave our marriage a clean start, I'm acting from the position as the past has never happen, but in the same time I'm perfectly aware his sobriety might not last. I know what I would do if he drinks again, I'm prepared for it, but I don't let that thought spoil my today.
I guess the best way to put it would be to say: I'm living like we have a guarantee for the best possible happy ever after, and in the same time I'm more than prepared for the worst case scenario.
It took me a great strength to do that, but more than everything it took a lot of work on myself.
My point is it is OK to hope for the best and give it a chance as long as you're being realistic and as long as you don't base your personal happiness on someone else's actions.
I wish you both the best.
Also I higly recomend sticking around this forum and educating yourself about the disease of alcoholsim as much as you can. There is some great wisdom here.
Welcome!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
IMHO, I have seen where white knuckling worked, however, doesn't mean it can't, anything is possible.
I would suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this and F&F of substanc abuse forums. Great information right at your fingertips!
I would suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this and F&F of substanc abuse forums. Great information right at your fingertips!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 54
My husband is in semi denial that he is an alcoholic. We have been around and around the subject. We fight (or he breaks down), he swears he will stop drinking. He stops usually for 2 days. Then he has a bad day so he just has a few beers, just buys a six pack. Then a few days later he buys a slab (4x6 packs) because it's cheaper. Then we are back to 2 or 3 slabs a week. And I am the nag because I object to a hard working man enjoying a beer at the end of the night.
my goodness - I could've written this myself! our boy is only 2, it scares me to think what he could absorb once he's older. i'm making a plan to leave in the new year to try and protect my son from seeing this and being influenced by it. It's scary but I believe it's the right thing to do.
You are not being petulent, we all have every right to be able to depend on our husbands, that's a huge reason why I'm leaving.
I too have cried and told him how this affects me and our son...unfortunately it has never made much difference in the long run. I'm coming to accept that now after being with him almost 10 years. He was proud that he went a few days without drinking after I got mad at him....but he'll be back at it and soon we will be gone to live with my mom.
Good luck and stay strong!!
my goodness - I could've written this myself! our boy is only 2, it scares me to think what he could absorb once he's older. i'm making a plan to leave in the new year to try and protect my son from seeing this and being influenced by it. It's scary but I believe it's the right thing to do.
You are not being petulent, we all have every right to be able to depend on our husbands, that's a huge reason why I'm leaving.
I too have cried and told him how this affects me and our son...unfortunately it has never made much difference in the long run. I'm coming to accept that now after being with him almost 10 years. He was proud that he went a few days without drinking after I got mad at him....but he'll be back at it and soon we will be gone to live with my mom.
Good luck and stay strong!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
This is not the life I expected.
There isn't anything you can say or do that will stop your husband from drinking. You can only help yourself and your children by making changes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
Thank you everyone for your supportive words. I have looked into al anon meetings, but right now I feel that going would be like saying "I don't trust you can do this". As negative as it sounds, I will wait for a relapse before I go.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 139
Originally Posted by Meggy 
PS it is 5 days with no alcohol now. Is it normal to be this anxious instead of enjoying the sobriety?
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Originally Posted by Meggy
Thank you everyone for your supportive words. I have looked into al anon meetings, but right now I feel that going would be like saying "I don't trust you can do this". As negative as it sounds, I will wait for a relapse before I go.
Things you learn there can help you to be even more supportive, or better to say help you give the right kind of support like understanding it is not helpful to deny yourself of recovery in order to make an (R)A feel better. It is helpful for an A to let him take responsiblity for his own life and actions without you trying to coushion the life for him.
There is no al anon in my country, I only have this place, but even though my RAH is in recovery for awhile now, I still come here as this is for me, not him. I'm in the place where I feel it is time to give back all that help I was given here when I needed it the most, and by giving back I'm receiving so much too.
Regardless of wether your husband stays sober or not IMHO it is crucial you work on yourself, so that way even if he stays sober and starts working on recovery you'll be able to enjoy your own life without constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. And if he doesn't you'll have the tools to make your own life better. It is a win win kind of thing.
Don't base your happiness on someone else's actions, as that way you're bound to get hurt.
This is my opinion, take what you like and leave the rest.
I wish you well
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Alanon is for you, it will help you understand his disease and provide you with the tools to establish bounderies, which are in the best interest for you and your children.
As for waiting for the next shoe to drop, it is what we codies do, wait, hope and pretend that everything will be ok.
I would say, in his case, the shoe is near to dropping...just my opinion.
As for waiting for the next shoe to drop, it is what we codies do, wait, hope and pretend that everything will be ok.
I would say, in his case, the shoe is near to dropping...just my opinion.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Meggy,
(((Gentle HUGS))). Yes, the previous posters were 'spot on'. It doesn't matter if he's had a drop or not. Al-anon helps YOU recover from the effects of what's already happened. It helps YOU work through this anxiety you're feeling, whether he takes another drink or not.
If you focus on you just a little bit, you'll notice you won't be tempted to watch his every move. Did he drink? Did he act ugly? Wasn't he nice today?
Al-Anon, the readings, these boards, my spirituality has helped my growth and even though my RABF and I are miles apart, our relationship is much better. I believe it's the by-product of each of our individual work. I don't believe we would individually feel better as a result of a better relationship. Do you see what I mean? The cause and the results are put in their proper perspective, and I can report a much happier life because of it.
(((Gentle HUGS))). Yes, the previous posters were 'spot on'. It doesn't matter if he's had a drop or not. Al-anon helps YOU recover from the effects of what's already happened. It helps YOU work through this anxiety you're feeling, whether he takes another drink or not.
If you focus on you just a little bit, you'll notice you won't be tempted to watch his every move. Did he drink? Did he act ugly? Wasn't he nice today?
Al-Anon, the readings, these boards, my spirituality has helped my growth and even though my RABF and I are miles apart, our relationship is much better. I believe it's the by-product of each of our individual work. I don't believe we would individually feel better as a result of a better relationship. Do you see what I mean? The cause and the results are put in their proper perspective, and I can report a much happier life because of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
I might go to al anon tomorrow. He still hasn't drunk his beer that is in the fridge, but he says it's because "it's not worth the argument". So he hasn't stopped because he has heard my concerns, but because he wants to stop me "nagging" him with inconvenient facts about liver damage and cancer. He is sleeping better, I am sleeping better. He refutes these. I do think I need support.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Meggy,
Even if you don't feel comfortable yet going to an Al-Anon meeting, I hope that you will continue to read the threads and post here about any questions you may have.
It sounds as though you and your husband have reached a sort of "stand off" when it comes to his drinking, and that you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He may drink again, he may not, and I understand the tension and anxiety that this can cause for you.
I have learned that I can be happy, that my life can continue with peace and joy, whether the alcoholics or addicts in my life are drinking/using or not. Detachment with love is the gift that you can give yourself, too.
Even if you don't feel comfortable yet going to an Al-Anon meeting, I hope that you will continue to read the threads and post here about any questions you may have.
It sounds as though you and your husband have reached a sort of "stand off" when it comes to his drinking, and that you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He may drink again, he may not, and I understand the tension and anxiety that this can cause for you.
I have learned that I can be happy, that my life can continue with peace and joy, whether the alcoholics or addicts in my life are drinking/using or not. Detachment with love is the gift that you can give yourself, too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Speaking as the husband of an alcoholic, it's not unreasonable nor petulant to want a spouse who is not drunk most of the time, and who is present in your life as a spouse and not a child.
And, if you aren't comfortable going to Alanon that's OK too. Many people are far more comfortable being confused and in pain, being manipulated, and being emotionally abused than they are in learning how to be happy people with serenity in their lives. I know I was for many years. Thank God I was finally forced into Alanon by my wife's treatment center. Had they not I'm positive I'd still be miserable today, and probably complaining about it to everybody that would listen.
Good luck. I have a great deal of compassion for you and hope you find your way to happiness.
Cyranoak
And, if you aren't comfortable going to Alanon that's OK too. Many people are far more comfortable being confused and in pain, being manipulated, and being emotionally abused than they are in learning how to be happy people with serenity in their lives. I know I was for many years. Thank God I was finally forced into Alanon by my wife's treatment center. Had they not I'm positive I'd still be miserable today, and probably complaining about it to everybody that would listen.
Good luck. I have a great deal of compassion for you and hope you find your way to happiness.
Cyranoak
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
I didn't go to al anon today, but there is a meeting next week I might attend. I have not written it off, but it just feels like if I do go then I am telling AH that I know he will fail. I don't want to lie to him, because a lack of honesty from him is what led to me being so shocked by his secret alcohol consumption, so if I go I would have to tell him. And I know that would cause conflict in our marriage. As defetist as it sounds, I can't afford for my marriage to break up right now. I am studying and our kids are young. In a year, maybe, but right now I need to not rock the boat. Does that makes sense or am I rambling? Thanks for everyone who contributes to this forum, reading and venting is really helping me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Meggy, in my experience, learning about the disease of addiction and how it has affected you and others in your life whom you love, is for you, not for the addict in your life. Worrying about what you do and how it will appear to the addict is a worry nobody should have. Please do what is best for you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Hi Meggy,
you'll get there when you're ready. There is no point in forcing yourself to do something you're not feeling yet, you're yet not ready to do.
We all have our own path to walk, at our own pace.
Just try to trust the proces and stay open.
Stick around here, there is some great wisdom to be found here.
Write and vent whenever you need to, we'll try to help the best we can.
And read, read, read as much as you can - it makes the world of difference. Educating yourself about disease of alcoholism is the beginning of the journey in the right direction.
For me the more I learned it made my life more managable.
HUGS
you'll get there when you're ready. There is no point in forcing yourself to do something you're not feeling yet, you're yet not ready to do.
We all have our own path to walk, at our own pace.
Just try to trust the proces and stay open.
Stick around here, there is some great wisdom to be found here.
Write and vent whenever you need to, we'll try to help the best we can.
And read, read, read as much as you can - it makes the world of difference. Educating yourself about disease of alcoholism is the beginning of the journey in the right direction.
For me the more I learned it made my life more managable.
HUGS
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