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Old 11-17-2011, 11:25 PM
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Stress and Recovery

I'm super stressed at work and super stressed at home. DD's been diagnosed as bipolar so now I've got two of them and they've been on an epic tear of bitchyness and selfishness. It's almost like they are syncing up just like their monthly cycles have. If/when the cycles and their manic episodes sync up as well I'll probably end up dead (from stress).

I'm the luckiest man alive.

But, what this is really about is that I've been so resentful that I've been acting out against them with words, and also avoiding home. It culminated yesterday with me pointing the remote at wife and clicking the mute button repeatedly. Let's just say I'm not being super successful detaching and letting go.

She was not amused. At all. She hasn't spoken to me in over 24 hours and won't sleep in the bed. I knew it would hurt her a great deal and did it on purpose-- **** like that is one of her buttons and I indulged the infantile jackass in me selfishly. I can't believe I did it and I am ashamed of myself.

Apologies don't make **** like this go away. Looks like it's time for me to get a new sponsor and start working the steps again. I can't control my behavior anymore when enough of my buttons get pushed.

Damn it. I can see the accountability from here and I don't like it.

Take care all,

Cyranoak
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Old 11-18-2011, 01:27 AM
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Sorry you're feeling this way. But you are only human.
There is only so much you can take.
Don't be so hard on yourself.

Who is the other one with bipolar, your wife?

From what I understand you live with 2 people who have a good excuse for behaving the way they do, and that is the way things are, but IMO that doesn't mean that you have to have it in control when you can't take it any more. As I said you're only human. You have every right to need and demand some peace and quiet for yourself.

I don't think you, (or anyone), are supposed to put up (and shut up) with things that are making you crazy.

You're not the only one accountable.

Take care
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Old 11-18-2011, 04:24 AM
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Cyranoak - Thank you for share so honestly abut your struggles. We are all human - and that's the beauty of this program and life - every day is an opportunity to try again.

Sounds like you have a great plan for the stress!!

Take care,
Shannon
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Old 11-18-2011, 05:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
It culminated yesterday with me pointing the remote at wife and clicking the mute button repeatedly.... She hasn't spoken to me in over 24 hours ....
I'll spare you the obvious "poor taste" joke that comes to mind. But seriously.. you sound more concerned over her reaction to your reaction than being bitched at in the 1st place. Cut yourself some slack man, your living situation IS indeed stressful. We can only absorb so much before we bust a seem.
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Old 11-18-2011, 06:25 AM
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Old 11-18-2011, 06:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
It culminated yesterday with me pointing the remote at wife and clicking the mute button repeatedly.
Apologies for laughing at your plight, but thanks for the chuckle.

The sad thing is that if/when my AH does those type of things I am so overly furious.

I can't even begin to imagine what it is like in a "normal" non A, non bipolar relationship dealing with what is part of life - just the inevitable mood changes that come with the monthly cycle. From what I understand men get them too!
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Old 11-18-2011, 06:40 AM
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Dude, I am so sorry you are going through this. I can empathize having lived with an AW in menopause and 2 teenage daughters all at once. I don't remember how I handled it because I seem to have blocked that whole time frame from my memories.

Your friend,
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Old 11-18-2011, 12:54 PM
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Still not talking to me...

...except about superficial things. Won't have a conversation but did send me a text saying she's going into a heavy AA meeting cycle and will not be around a lot (she normally goes two or three times a week so it'll be more than that). I guess that's good news.

Oh, and she slept in our bed last night. As far away as possible from me and facing the other way, but in the bed. I went in for a hug this morning but bounced off her wall of resentment (I was uninjured though).

Too soon. It's progress though.

Cyranoak

P.s. More good news is that she hasn't decided to drink over this. No signs at all of any type of impairment and I'm ******* Sherlock Holmes when it comes to that these days. No more denial it that area. It's elementary!
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Old 11-18-2011, 01:33 PM
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I can empathize having lived with an AW in menopause and 2 teenage daughters all at once.
God almighty, I might have to direct the new man in my life to a support group consisting of Mike and Cyrano... because that's the exact situation he's heading into here... Hell, I'm a woman and I don't much like it.

And Cyrano? I'm sorry, but I laughed out loud at your reaction. Infantile? Yes. Hilarious? Yes. I'm glad you're both drawing what seems to be wise conclusions from the incident. And I'm sure it wasn't funny at all from the inside.
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Old 11-18-2011, 01:46 PM
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lillamy, you wouldn't believe the dominance games that were going on. Alliances were made and broken in minutes. I spent a lot of time in the basement. My bench press lifting really improved as it was the best way I had to release stress without violence. I was benching around 400lbs by the time things finally settled down with that. Of course there were other issues with the AW but that is a different story.
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Old 11-18-2011, 01:51 PM
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Note to self: Get weight bench.

I'm hoping that being involved with a person who also has a failed abusive marriage behind him will mean that we're serious when we say "No ********; no mind games; total honesty."

But with two teenage girls in the house, I might need that weight bench myself.
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Old 11-18-2011, 06:10 PM
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Good Lord! What are you ******* thinkin? Turning the remote control on your wife? Are you ******* crazy? It's a wonder she didn't ******* kill you on the spot! You can't reason with someone who is bi-polar AND hormonal...**** I thought everyone know that! **** %$##&**()@@$###***!!!!!!!!!!

TWWALTR!



PS Have a much better weekend! Remember, this too shall pass.

PPS: all the symbols are mine, I really don't swear like a sailor, I just couldn't resist!
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Old 11-19-2011, 09:08 AM
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I've been eating chocolate non-stop since I started reading this thread. I can't figure it out!!
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Old 11-19-2011, 10:27 AM
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I can empathize with this. My exah, who I strongly suspected had bi-polar, went thru many cycles.

One time, he can home from work, and just started ranting, and raging, telling me what a lazy so and so I was. I got my journal out, and told him that I wanted to write all of this stuff down, so that I would know what I could change about me, I even asked him to stop a few times, because he was talking too fast, and I wanted to write everything down, that I didn't want to miss anything. I even included and read back to him, "as he is towering over me, with his face so red, eyes bulging, and veins in his neck, popping out, looking like they want to explode...

His cell phone rings, he takes the call in the garage, it was his therapist calling to schedule an appt. He came back in, he was totally different, nice as could be... and asked me if I wanted pizza for dinner.

I then went to the garage door, opened it, and looked in. He asked me what I was looking for. I told him that I was just looking for "that other guy" that was just in here.

I know that I shouldn't have done that, and I shouldn't have taken out my journal. It could have ended my life. I just didn't care. I was just tired of it!!!!

Surprisingly he apologized that time, and I didn't set him off more.

I like the idea of the remote, and I would have used that also, but I wasn't allowed to touch the remote, it was his.

In situations like this, I don't know what to say, sometimes you may need to look at it like you are watching tv, and it is really not happening. It's hard not to react, and when you do, you make it worse, when you don't the bar has been raised, and they will do anything to get a reaction from you.

Just know that it ain't you.

She wanted that reaction from you, so that she would have something to be mad about. She needed to blame you for it.
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Old 11-19-2011, 02:41 PM
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Alright...

...I deserved that.

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Good Lord! What are you ******* thinkin? Turning the remote control on your wife? Are you ******* crazy? It's a wonder she didn't ******* kill you on the spot! You can't reason with someone who is bi-polar AND hormonal...**** I thought everyone know that! **** %$##&**()@@$###***!!!!!!!!!!

TWWALTR!



PS Have a much better weekend! Remember, this too shall pass.

PPS: all the symbols are mine, I really don't swear like a sailor, I just couldn't resist!
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Old 11-19-2011, 06:42 PM
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Holy Balls...Cyranoak: your post was open & honest and greatly appreciated.

But Im really wondering, do you think you really need a new sponsor?
or
Are you just human, and had enough bitcheyness??

When I get stressed, I work alot too. I worked 18 hours yesterday,
but atleast now I know why I work alot.

In the past, I did it, and never understood why I did and really never thought about it...
If I was your sponsor, I would say - Good Job You Little ********!! For understanding
why your hiding!!!

Have you ever thought about taking up yoga??? LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 11-20-2011, 04:00 AM
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A sense of humor is our friend when we are weaving life with a recovering A!

When my A starts a monologue that is obviously rooted in old A stinkin' thinkin' I say "wait this is so profound and deep I MUST preserve it's wisdom for later"... and I dig out my cell phone and get the recorder feature all dialed up and start recording!

Its amazing how effective this is at getting two parties to actually engage their brain before opening their mouth because playback can be a really harsh taskmaster when we are supposed to be trying to get to a higher plane directed by our HP!

Make a truce and suggest this strategy and then review the tapes and breakdown where the relationship could benefit by different communication skills and strategies ... it has worked well for us and when that doesn't work I play the tapes for our pastor and counselor (just kidding but it would be fun in a devilish sort of way).
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Old 11-20-2011, 08:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
...I deserved that.

Cyranoak

LOL! You know I love ya and your smack-upside-the-head approach, Cy! Straight talk is good, even when it hurts.

Having two teenage daughters, I can relate, as we are all in sync and hormonal at the same time. Things can get pretty heated in my house! Some days I detach really well...others...well...not so great. I lose it occasionally myself. I am human, after all. And they just get on my last nerve sometimes and push every button. Argh!

You're a great husband and Dad. Don't forget that, even when you do lose it.
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Old 11-20-2011, 02:36 PM
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Forgive yourself and learn the lesson.
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Old 11-26-2011, 10:56 AM
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Update

The last week has been really interesting as we worked through the fallout from my latest "anger relapse." It pushed me to do what I've been threatening to do for a long time-- get a new sponsor and work the steps again. This time it's a dude as aggressive as I am and he won't brook any of my nonsense. Plus he's bigger, older and smarter than me which will help. He's making me read the first 160+ pages of The Big Book. I can't believe I'm reading The Big Book.

It also reminded me that the vast majority of the time the best thing I can do when in conflict with my wife is to remove myself from the situation or say nothing at all, but staying there and building anger and resentment is a lose/lose. I will eventually snap and do or say some jackass thing. It's gauran-damn-teed.

The wall of resentment fell before Thanksgiving and we had a great holiday, and great post-holiday gatherings with the family and the newest babies who are so cute it just kills me. Happy babies always remind me of what most of us are like before the sins of our parents really manifest.

I also feel lucky that it isn't worse. A guy from one of my meetings went to jail on Thanksgiving after a fight with his wife when he drove a post through the floor of his kitchen and ripped the cabinets off the wall (he says he did it in order to not hit her). And a buddy of mine from the same meeting found his wife dead from a heroin overdose in their bathroom on Monday. The coroner said it was highly likely it was the first time she'd ever tried it based on the autopsy (her drugs of choice prior were alcohol and meth and she'd been working the program and passing weekly court-ordered drug tests for 8-months). Seemed like a suicide to me, and his first meeting after was epic in its intensity. None of us were prepared for what he shared. Good ******* God.

Man do I feel lucky that my anger response is a fake "wife mute button", and that my wife has never overtly attempted suicide (as far as I know). She used to threaten it a lot though until I finally called 911 after a threat and she was forcibly hospitalized and detoxed (and billed $2k). No more suicide threats after that.

Anyways, there's a lot going on here, I feel fortunate and grateful for where I am as a person today and where my wife and I are as a couple. We are moving forward and things are, slowly and incrementally, getting better.

I wish it was going faster. I wish there were a guarantee. There isn't. I've accepted that and I understand it. But I still wish.

Happy Holidays everybody.

Take care,

Cyranoak
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