Update
The last week has been really interesting as we worked through the fallout from my latest "anger relapse." It pushed me to do what I've been threatening to do for a long time-- get a new sponsor and work the steps again. This time it's a dude as aggressive as I am and he won't brook any of my nonsense. Plus he's bigger, older and smarter than me which will help. He's making me read the first 160+ pages of The Big Book. I can't believe I'm reading The Big Book.
It also reminded me that the vast majority of the time the best thing I can do when in conflict with my wife is to remove myself from the situation or say nothing at all, but staying there and building anger and resentment is a lose/lose. I will eventually snap and do or say some jackass thing. It's gauran-damn-teed.
The wall of resentment fell before Thanksgiving and we had a great holiday, and great post-holiday gatherings with the family and the newest babies who are so cute it just kills me. Happy babies always remind me of what most of us are like before the sins of our parents really manifest.
I also feel lucky that it isn't worse. A guy from one of my meetings went to jail on Thanksgiving after a fight with his wife when he drove a post through the floor of his kitchen and ripped the cabinets off the wall (he says he did it in order to not hit her). And a buddy of mine from the same meeting found his wife dead from a heroin overdose in their bathroom on Monday. The coroner said it was highly likely it was the first time she'd ever tried it based on the autopsy (her drugs of choice prior were alcohol and meth and she'd been working the program and passing weekly court-ordered drug tests for 8-months). Seemed like a suicide to me, and his first meeting after was epic in its intensity. None of us were prepared for what he shared. Good ******* God.
Man do I feel lucky that my anger response is a fake "wife mute button", and that my wife has never overtly attempted suicide (as far as I know). She used to threaten it a lot though until I finally called 911 after a threat and she was forcibly hospitalized and detoxed (and billed $2k). No more suicide threats after that.
Anyways, there's a lot going on here, I feel fortunate and grateful for where I am as a person today and where my wife and I are as a couple. We are moving forward and things are, slowly and incrementally, getting better.
I wish it was going faster. I wish there were a guarantee. There isn't. I've accepted that and I understand it. But I still wish.
Happy Holidays everybody.
Take care,
Cyranoak