choublak

I'm not even going to pretend to know what you're talking about.

A plan?

It's part individual counseling, part group therapy.

breakingglass

i agree with how you feel about this. i called to get into a local meeting and the only one in my area was designed for gay people. if they feel the need to discriminate like that then certainly its not for me. besides, i don't mind spilling my guts on here but in a room full of strangers face to face is a bit intimidating. but that's just my personal feeling on the issue.

twilli59

I just read a Thomas Merton quote this morning - it basically said that the first challenge in learning to truly love is to completely accept another human being exactly as they are. I don't think we have to stop there, but with that truth we can begin to make decisions about what we can tolerate, and why - and what we can't, and why. From my own experience, I've waited for change that never occurred - but, when I looked at myself and the other person honestly, I was able to determine what course I should take. It had the effect of kind of "rebooting" of the whole thing. That clarity can do things we never expected. But it has to come from truth, because that's where the only power is.

GettingBy

BAM. That's it Thumper.

When I filed for divorce in April... I was REACTING. I saw a problem, I had the solution... and off to the races I went. But as my sponsor has so gently pointed out, the problem was... I hadn't thought it through. I had no acceptance of what all the consequences were and was not really prepared to following through on the action. Divorce was not a simple and easy solution. There was the issue of joint custody that I was not prepared to deal with. The fact that I was likely to have to share custody 50/50 (because I had no legal grounds for denying it!), meant my babies would be with my AH, and I had no ability to oversee. So while living with him right now is less than ideal for me, I have full custody of the babies. As my sponsor has reminded me, the cards will fall into place when the time is right... just keep doing the footwork!!

Advice to leave the alcoholic, while it may be rooted in many years of experience, may not necessarily be the right answer for the poster. They may very well get to that conclusion - but it must happen on their HP schedule, not ours.

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon

m1k3

Your plan, what are your boundaries. Boundaries are unacceptable behaviors that you won't tolerate. What are you going to do if those boundaries are violated. What are you going to do when the situation gets worse, and it will because that's part of the disease. What are you going to do if he goes into recovery. Are you going to work on your own recovery. What are you going to do if he becomes abusive.

All of this and more is part of your plan. As for unacceptable behaviors it is amazing how much you will accept as time goes on and you don't have a plan.

I hope that helps.

Your friend,

akrasia

"A plan" means "an idea of how to make a bad situation into something better."

Look, the whole point of living with someone is that the relationship enriches your life, makes you feel glad. Clearly you're not happy with this guy. No one here can really do anything about that.

So the therapy and al-anon stuff is meant as means to an end. If you don't feel ready to leave him, the therapy/al-anon/posting here might give you a release valve for your feelings, and some perspective. If you do feel like leaving, it's nice to have support whilst doing so.

choublak

So, how do you know if someone is in recovery or not?

fulloffaith

Wow! Just read this entire thread and feel for your situation. I think As we move forward in our own recovery of not focusing and obsessing about the alcoholic, we sometimes forget what it's like to first accept and confront the problem.

Some posts may sound harsh. But it's only because we all care about you. Often times when we are in relationship with alcoholic, we care and focus more on making the relationship work than taking care of ourselves. All of us loved our alcoholics and enjoyed the "sober" times. It's what makes any decisions hard.

But, each person needs to decide their own boundaries. This is very important, and though I love alanon, this piece can be worked through independently.
Do you want to spend another weekend evening worrying about him, taking care of him, being stood up? If yes, that is fine. It really truly is. Only you can decide what you can and will live with. If you can not tolerate a behavior, what is your plan? What is the "last straw" for you? What is your "bottom line"?

I often tolerated things I knew deep down I did not deserve. Many of us came here because we felt so upset and stresses because our lives did not match up to what our heart/spirit wanted.

You do not need to make any decision right this minute. From your posts it sounds like you are simply not ready. Maybe you are hoping things will really turn around for your alcoholic. Maybe they will. Or maybe you need to keep learning lessons on your own path before you can take a firm stand from a peaceful place.

Think about what will make your own life peaceful and happy. Every day should be the best you can make it. Not just between binges. You really really really deserve a peaceful life! Think about what will bring you peace- that you can control. The answers will come to you. Keep posting!
We will be here with you on this journey. We all grow and change at different speeds. As you grow and change, be a little selfish. Think of what works for you!
Hugs

choublak

About the "work on yourself", "focus on yourself" advice: if I worked any more on me I'd be clinically diagnosed as a narcissist.

When he is sober and not on a binge, I hold a grudge against him. He (we) will be trying to have a good time and move forward, but I'm too angry at him to enjoy anything.

He's such a high-functioning alcoholic, I didn't know he had a drinking problem when we first started dating. Nor did he. High-functioning alcoholics have it the worst of all the alcoholic varieties, because they don't exhibit nor experience the signs and consequences of more "typical" alcoholics. Denial runs deep and dies hard. I want to slap all the denial out of him.

It's not that I want to "fix" him; more like...he should know better. He should have enough sense to know to not drink alcohol, period. He has common sense the majority of the time.

If it gets worse, I have a dozen places I can go to stay with relatives.

Anyway, I can't think of anything else to say right now, whatever I say gets stomped on regardless, so I'm gonna go now.

choublak

Such a nice doggie in your picture, yet you're so mean...

nodaybut2day

Your anger is legit, but I get the sense that it's being shot at the members on this board. Perhaps you aren't getting the answers you hope for?

m1k3

I'm still working on that one. My AW has just completed rehab and is going to AA and a therapist and may start going to al-anon. We are currently separated. From talking to her I hear things like her need to live a sober lifestyle and her going to meetings and classes and stuff. I also hear that depression was the cause of her drinking and to get her depression under control she has to not drink.

So, is she in denial about being an alcoholic but because of the depression she is going to work on not drinking?

Just not sure.

m1k3

choublak, try reading this. It was the 1st thing that hit home with me and started me working on my recovery. It is a standard Al-Anon piece of literature.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-denial.html

Your friend,

choublak

I get the sense that none of the members here like me and that they all have it out for me. Why?

For example, you could have said, "your anger is legit, I understand where you're coming from, etc." but no, you just had to add that little taunt. Why?

GettingBy

Hiya Choublak!

My AH is "high functioning" too... though the quotes are there because there really is no such thing as high functioning when alcoholism is involved. High functioning just means that the consequences of the excessive drinking are still relatively small... though they are still there. A "high functioning" alcoholic surely has relationship issues due to his/her drinking... whether it's a spouse/child/relative/employer/employee... somebody in that group is aware of/effected by the behavior.

Anyways, my AH... he's smart. College educated. Very successful... VP of his company. I too used to think, "He should KNOW better!!" What I have learned is that he may very well know better... but his DISEASE of alcoholism keeps him from doing so. His compulsion to drink alcohol keeps him "tipping them back"... inspite of the consequences (driving while intoxicated, marriage issues, absence from child-rearing, etc). He can't stopped drinking because he's an alcoholic.

I too am college educated. I have my own engineering business. I guess I should have known better too... but I still got involved (and stayed involved) with an alcoholic. I did so because of my own disease/denial - and misunderstanding of what alcoholism really is.

The single most thing that has helpd pulled my head out of the clouds (aw hell, lets be honest... I really had it up my ASS!!!)... was Al-anon. It has really opened my eyes to alcoholism and what my role has played in our family dysfunction.

If you haven't given the meetings a try, I highly recommend them! (Sorry... reading comprehension 101... I just read back through the thread and see there aren't any meetings near you! Perhaps you could find an on-line meeting to participate in?)

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon

suki44883

Choublak, no one is taunting you. We see people all the time who don't like what they hear from us and become a bit defensive and sometimes even hostile. We have absolutely no reason to not like you, we don't even know you. We "have it out" for no one. We are here to help support people who love an addict. We give our ES&H. We've pretty much heard it all before, so when we point out a red flag, it's because we have been there. There is no need to be so defensive.

MTSlideAddict

Everything you are describing is defined as codependency. Codependency is the want to slap some sense into the alcoholic, to remind them that they shouldn’t drink, or to teach them what they are doing is causing havoc. Holding grudges is also a part of not taking care of you. You can’t blame him that you are angry. You are in control of your emotions. It’s like a saying that I heard before; someone didn’t make you angry, you chose to be angry. It seems that you may not be ready to identify your codependency yet. That is okay. There is no rush.

Remember that the advice given here is intended to guide you and support YOU only. Take what you like and leave the rest. If none of it works for you right now, than that may be the case. We only share what we have learned throughout our own experiences.

I hope you find your direction to My advice would be to follow your intuition.

nodaybut2day

Choublak, I chose my words carefully in responding to you, because I got the feeling that you were angry...angry at your partner, but also just angry in general, and it seems to seep out in your responses to the people on the board. My response to you wasn't an accusation but a personal assessment. No one is forced to agree with me. The word "perhaps" implies a suggestion or a possibility, not a taunt. I told you how I saw things, but I don't believe I have passed judgment on you.

The people on this board have gone through a variety of experiences with alcoholic spouses, friends or family members. It is from those experiences that they speak with you.

choublak

We? Us? Please don't tell me the whole forum speaks, thinks, eats as one.

suki44883

Yanno, it's responses like that, that convince US that you are angry. Good luck to you. I'm done here.