choublak

So, my boyfriend is a binge drinker. He has, in recent months, been trying to figure things out for himself, making a list of triggers and things that may lead him to binge, etc. But I feel like as much as I want to enjoy the times in between binges (and there can be some happy times), it's becoming more and more difficult because not long after I let down my guard, he binges again. Lately I've become really depressed because of this.

Is there anyone who can offer me some sort of insight about this apart from, "go to al-anon", "go see a therapist", etc.?

Sorry to have to add that last part, but the truth is, if I could go talk about it at al-anon, I wouldn't be posting it on here. I did look into al-anon, the nearest one being like an hour away, and on top of that, when I called them they didn't return my calls. But that's another story for a different thread.

KerBearz

In my opinion ~ the time between binges is simply the time between binges. Most likely, this time between binges will get shorter and shorter until it all turns into one big binge. There is nothing you can do to change or control this. It won't matter what you say (or don't say) or what you do (or don't do)...

The only thing that has ever made me feel better is to work on myself.
I attend Al-Anon meetings
I read Al-Anon literature which has been really, really helpful
I listen to people speak who have been there & done that (AA and Al-Anon)... I'm sure there are some online as well
I have attended family programs at treatment centers & weekend retreats
I have worked on my relationship with God - I pray for help & guidance, read the bible and seek out spiritual wisdom.
I come to SR and read about everyone else's experience, strength & hope.
I read Melody Beattie books.

I have tried to remain open-minded about advice given to me. Sometimes I think I have been given the WORST advice I have ever heard and then I find out 6 months later that they were right on.

I think you are on the right track - keep an open mind and do something nice for yourself today!

suki44883

What kind of insight are you wanting? You know the drill. He binges, a little time goes by, then he binges again. KerBearz is right though, the time between binges will get shorter until eventually, he'll be drinking everyday. If he wants help for his problem, there is plenty out there, but it has to be his choice. Just like it's your choice whether or not to live with how it all affects you.

Freedom1990

I certainly couldn't enjoy myself knowing the next car wreck was just around the corner.

I refuse to live with active alcoholism/addiction, and that includes my 33-year-old AD. When I temporarily moved her in with me, she did a good job of pulling the wool over my eyes. She was right back to smoking pot every day and binging on beer, along with her then 15-year-old sister.,

She was booted to the curb and I took my life back. It's a simple, quiet life that I wouldn't trade for the world.

Happiness is an inside job, and today I am reasonably happy!

OhBoy

Something that helps me is to be angry/upset/saddened/etc.... at the disease & not the person. It can be tough to separate sometimes especially when the intervals are short. I am always reminding myself that I can't control it, so I try my best not to. I didn't cause it so I don't get upset with myself thinking it was something I did to start it. And I can't cure it, I have to let it run its course & try to move on whether it's putting it behind me or literally moving on. But yes the intervals between binges most likely will become shorter & shorter & you'll find yourself in my position of wondering how much will be too much. Sorry your going through this, I know what it's like & not very fun.

choublak

Okay, so what do I do when he is sober? Ignore him?

Freedom1990

Get your hands on a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I think you will start to find answers as you read through the book.

The whole purpose of detachment is we do not react to the alcoholic. We live our lives to the fullest, to our potential, and we don't hinge what we do on what they do or don't do.

Just what are you getting out of the relationship anymore? You don't have to answer me...just some food for thought.

Seren

Wow....it must be hard to relax at all if it's unpleasant to be around him when he's drinking and the rest of the time is tense just waiting "for the other shoe to drop". I'm really sorry that you have been enduring this. The ongoing stress and resentment must be overwhelming at times.

I ask this as gently as possible, but are you getting anything back from this relationship? If you live with him, would your life be more peaceful if you found a place of your own and only spent time with him when he was sober? Our homes should be our sanctuary from the day-to-day troubles of the world, and it does not sound as though you have that from your descriptions.

I hope very much that things will improve for you soon. HG

MTSlideAddict

Choublak, it’s up to you as to what you want to do in between binges or anytime. Ignoring him when he is sober doesn't help either of you. The question should be whether you think this lifestyle is acceptable to YOU. He will do as he chooses. You cannot control his drinking. Right now, him and his alcoholism have control, and he is putting the alcohol above you and your happiness. Him and the alcohol are choosing when you have good times and when you have bad. The advice given above is good advice. My AH was a weekend binger at one time too, and it got to be an everyday thing. Those happy days in between became fewer and fewer. Then I began protecting my heart and began masking feelings. I didn’t feel happiness anymore. I stuck by him throughout (don’t ask me why), and he is now in recovery working an outpatient program. It was an incredibly bumpy ride filled with lots of verbal abuse and pain. When not drinking my husband is the kindest man that wouldn’t say or do anything to hurt me, and we have so many laughs together. It is like two different people. There is still a journey ahead for both of us as we both continue to rebuild ourselves separately.

The point to Al-anon is to give you positive support, strength, and to teach you how to be in control of your own happiness and destiny. If Al-anon is not an option to you, my suggestion is to definitely educate yourself on alcoholism and codependency. Reading about others in similar situations and how they reacted has helped me a lot, so hopefully you will get as much out of it as I have so far.

Continue posting. We are here to listen and support.

Terminally Unique

There is more than one way to look at such a list. Addicted people will manipulate never-addicted people endlessly and skillfully, trying to look good while doing anything and everything to avoid the bullet of permanent abstinence. From where I'm standing, it sounds like he is essentially planning to drink again, and making a list of situations where, in his mind, it would be justified to do so.

Consider that the real truth about addiction recovery lies in the exact opposite of most conventional beliefs, and that you cannot keep him sober by keeping your guard up.

choublak

And for those of you telling me to take care of myself...what is that supposed to mean?

wellnowwhat

And for those of you telling me to take care of myself...what is that supposed to mean?
To me it means stop putting so much focus on him and focus on what makes you feel good. Worrying about his next binge, and whether he is actually in recovery, etc. is all "what if's". Focus on what is, here and now, and whether it makes you happy. Do less looking back at his bad behaviours and less looking at possible outcomes, good or bad, and do more things here and now that please you.

And look after yourself physically. Eat well, get good rest, relieve your stress, exercise, etc. Everything looks a little better when you are not tired, hungry, or frazzled from poor diet and lack of true rest.

Hope this helps!

choublak

Up until very recently, this is exactly what I've been doing. I'll be doing what I want, to the fullest, and then suddenly when I least expect it be blindsided by a binge. Which angers and upsets me, because I feel like he knows full well I don't like him doing that, and yet he disrespects me by doing it anyway.

Seren

He's not doing it to you, at you, for you, or against you. He's an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do as long as they are not in recovery.

I think what everyone has been trying to say is that you can have a happy and peaceful life regardless of whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. Those of us who are friends and family have a hard time not taking it personally when the A's in our lives keep drinking. But it really is not personal--it just is.....

We can beg, plead, argue, threaten, make horrible scenes.....doesn't make one bit of difference in the behavior of the alcoholic. Learning to detach is when we finally find peace.

Freedom1990

I know it feels personal, but he's not doing it to you. He's just doing what alcoholics do...drink.

This may be as good as it ever gets.

Can you live with that?

Terminally Unique

Try telling your boyfriend to come on here and post about his "issues" in the newcomers or alcoholism forum. With a thousand "BS detectors" on duty, he won't be able to vacillate so easily.

Terminally Unique

Apologies to everyone if I come off as uncompromising sometimes. It's just that I know almost every trick in the book used by addicted people. Please know that when I give advice to never-addicted people, it is the same advice that I would give to someone in my own family if they were dealing with this.

smacked

You're not blindsided.. you know he'll binge again, and again, and again. You know it. He's not in recovery, he's not doing anything different than usual by the sounds of it. He's not disrespecting you by drinking, he's an alcoholic, that's what we/they do. It has nothing to do with you, and he's a grown adult. If he wants to drink himself to death, he has every right to. You're getting the best of him right now, and if that's something you want a front row seat to, that's totally your choice.

I choose to not have any active addicts or alcoholics in my life. My serenity is precious to me.

MTSlideAddict

Taking care of yourself means just that. I understand that you say that you have been living your life to the fullest and then wham a binge hits you. He is not trying to disrespect you, he is an alcoholic. We have all tried to tell the active alcoholics in our life to stop drinking, but they don’t stop. It’s not because they don’t love us or disrespect us, it because they cannot control their drinking.

What taking care of yourself means to me is living a life where I do not worry about the next binge around the corner. I am not searching for hidden bottles and playing detective. I am living my life happily for me. I am gaining the strength to remove myself from the stressors that are causing me to be unhappy and are beyond my control. I am living in the now, not the what ifs.

In your eyes the drinking is the problem, but yet you do not have control over the drinking. What are you going to do to make yourself happy keeping in mind that you cannot control his drinking? There is nothing you can do to prevent him from drinking or the binge that may come up, but if you are unhappy you have the power to change that.

Thank you AVRT! You have been bringing great advice to this side of the forums. Its greatly appreciated.

I think AVRT has a great suggestion for your boyfriend.

pandypoo

Many, many years ago I went to Al Anon and did the 90 for 90 etc...read all the literature, went to therapy and tried to 'figure out' what to do. I did not like Al Anon and did not really work the steps. I was very determined that I would 'solve' this problem. It took me ten years to finally decide to get out of the craziness. I made him leave, he tried to drink himself to death many times after that, but is now sober and has been for 5years with a short relapse of a couple of months last year. We are friendly because of the kids but I would never consider living with him again. My life is so much more peaceful without the crazy.....sometimes lonely but much better.

Fast forward to today. My daughter is 'on the run' from the law for probation violation for drugs.....for the 4th time. She will go to prison this time. I (underscore) did 'everything' for her. Made sure she could go to school without working, live at home, bought her a new vehicle, gave her spending (drug) money etc. I thought things were great. She was passing her UA's, completed her IOP, seeing her PO weekly.....perfect. Until they asked her to do a hair follicle test.

My message is.....learn to not be co-dependant and learn the lesson well. Had I paid more attention the first time, 16 years ago, I would have saved myself some of this heartache and regret with my daughter.

I don't know when she will decide to turn herself in, or how long she will get, or if things will get worse the longer she is out or what will happen when she gets out. All I know is that I am arming myself with all of the best tools to make sure I have changed. She is free to live her life. I willl no longer support her or her addictions. It is now obvious to me that she has never had the desire to be free of drugs or alcohol. She just want to be free of the eyes that watch her every move.

Wish I had found this website and been more open minded and less determined years ago. But everything ya'll are saying to Choublak is the truth. The binges will never stop until he decides he wants to....whether its thru AA, NA, on his own, or whatever. He has to make that decision. But you can have a peaceful, sane life. That choice is yours.