Have difficulty enjoying times in between binges
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
choublak, I really understand where you are coming from. I left my wife after a 6 day blackout binge of ambian and beer.
I was well beyond angry. I became very intimate with the word rage. My emotions were raw and everything rubbed me the wrong way.
I really don't believe anyone who is posting here is out to get you. I have been offering up my experiences and what has worked for me. It may or may not work for you, I don't know.
There is an al-anon saying that applies here. Take what you want and leave the rest.
Just understand that what you are going through is very familiar to those of us replying to your posts. If you read here for a while you will find the stories sound alike, the things the alcoholic says sound the same from A to A. It's like they get a playbook when they become alcoholics. We really do understand what you are going through.
I once heard an al-anon meeting described as a place where complete strangers can get together and reminisce. The faces change but the stories don't.
I am here to help if you want it and so are many others.
Your friend,
I was well beyond angry. I became very intimate with the word rage. My emotions were raw and everything rubbed me the wrong way.
I really don't believe anyone who is posting here is out to get you. I have been offering up my experiences and what has worked for me. It may or may not work for you, I don't know.
There is an al-anon saying that applies here. Take what you want and leave the rest.
Just understand that what you are going through is very familiar to those of us replying to your posts. If you read here for a while you will find the stories sound alike, the things the alcoholic says sound the same from A to A. It's like they get a playbook when they become alcoholics. We really do understand what you are going through.
I once heard an al-anon meeting described as a place where complete strangers can get together and reminisce. The faces change but the stories don't.
I am here to help if you want it and so are many others.
Your friend,
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend) was a Technical Fellow in the company we work for. He made twice as much as I did, and spent it as soon as he got it, then helped himself to my salary, too. He owed over $300,000 in credit card debt (I am not making that up), plus he had to have a brand new car every 2-4 years, so add that debt on top of it.
He is well respected by all the managers of the company, and is frequently asked major question by people from the site manager of this site and other sites, right on up to the CEO. We work at a rather large company, with offices in most states and around the world. He still works here, he is still respected, and he worked his way up to 2-3 pints of whiskey a day, usually consumed in about a half-hour timeframe, with the remainder taken a shot at a time all through the night.
He is on the board for several different colleges and professional societies, and is frequently sought out to teach classes, give lectures, mentor students, plan major events, and more activities than I can count. I used to ensure that all of these events went off without a hitch, and would cover for him when he was drunk. (This is called enabling, because I was not permitting him to experience the consequences of his own actions.)
When in public he would sing my praises to all of these influential people. When behind closed doors he would collapse on the rug in the foyer and shout obscenities at me, yell at me about how I can't do anything, complain that the chores weren't done, then complain when I was doing laundry instead of waiting on him hand and foot. I was not permitted to go anywhere without him, and he would not leave me at home to catch up on the chores while he ran an errand, because apparently he could not pick up duct tape at Home Depot without me. Yet when I asked for assistance from him with these chores, he would tell me that it was woman's work, he never touched anything like that a day in his life, and that his "90-year-old mother" (she was not that old, exaggeration was a favorite of his) could maintain a house so certainly I could maintain an apartment. (His mother does not work, and never has, so she has 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, to do all these things).
I weight 110 pounds, and he was always telling me how fat I was, and comparing me to his daughter from his first marriage. (Which is gross in itself, he's more attracted to his daughter???) When I did not act like the woman in the p0rn DVDs he was always bringing home (or worse, forcing me to pick out!), he would insist that I was sexually abused as a child, and start shouting at me that I needed to admit it, and admit that my father had abused me. (My father never laid a hand on me, and never would, but oh yes, I was sexually abused - by XABF himself!)
He still works here, he is still well-respected, he is still in frequent demand for various and sundry events and speaking engagements, and nobody would know what an abusive man he is behind closed doors, or how he preys upon anyone he manages to pull into his circle. He actually told his sister once, "Can't I be the only thing in your life you worry about for once?" This is a woman who is married to an alcoholic husband herself (XABF was always talking about this), and had three children (who in XABF's opinion would never amount to anything), and worked three different jobs (two of them very strenuous; the other very time consuming), but he wants to be the only thing she is concerned about.
Alcoholics do not have relationships.
They take hostages.
His whole world is a facade, pretending he has unlimited money, pretending he is the most intelligent and engaging man in the world, and he takes them in, too. A viper in Burberry and expensive leather, his closet full of Armani ties, his credit card statement listing two five star $100-per-person restaurants a weekend, living off his credit cards, borrowed time and borrowed reputation, until one day that whole world is going to come crashing down on him.
I don't intend to be there to see it. I can't.
When I left XABF, I was all used up. Nothing left - no energy, no dreams, no memory of who I used to be, no hope for anything.
Now I'm rebuilding my life, one day at a time, one dream at a time, and finally a sunrise has come to the years and years of endlessly dark starless nights that my life once was.
I am finally whole again, from the inside out, and it is a wonderful feeling.
He is well respected by all the managers of the company, and is frequently asked major question by people from the site manager of this site and other sites, right on up to the CEO. We work at a rather large company, with offices in most states and around the world. He still works here, he is still respected, and he worked his way up to 2-3 pints of whiskey a day, usually consumed in about a half-hour timeframe, with the remainder taken a shot at a time all through the night.
He is on the board for several different colleges and professional societies, and is frequently sought out to teach classes, give lectures, mentor students, plan major events, and more activities than I can count. I used to ensure that all of these events went off without a hitch, and would cover for him when he was drunk. (This is called enabling, because I was not permitting him to experience the consequences of his own actions.)
When in public he would sing my praises to all of these influential people. When behind closed doors he would collapse on the rug in the foyer and shout obscenities at me, yell at me about how I can't do anything, complain that the chores weren't done, then complain when I was doing laundry instead of waiting on him hand and foot. I was not permitted to go anywhere without him, and he would not leave me at home to catch up on the chores while he ran an errand, because apparently he could not pick up duct tape at Home Depot without me. Yet when I asked for assistance from him with these chores, he would tell me that it was woman's work, he never touched anything like that a day in his life, and that his "90-year-old mother" (she was not that old, exaggeration was a favorite of his) could maintain a house so certainly I could maintain an apartment. (His mother does not work, and never has, so she has 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, to do all these things).
I weight 110 pounds, and he was always telling me how fat I was, and comparing me to his daughter from his first marriage. (Which is gross in itself, he's more attracted to his daughter???) When I did not act like the woman in the p0rn DVDs he was always bringing home (or worse, forcing me to pick out!), he would insist that I was sexually abused as a child, and start shouting at me that I needed to admit it, and admit that my father had abused me. (My father never laid a hand on me, and never would, but oh yes, I was sexually abused - by XABF himself!)
He still works here, he is still well-respected, he is still in frequent demand for various and sundry events and speaking engagements, and nobody would know what an abusive man he is behind closed doors, or how he preys upon anyone he manages to pull into his circle. He actually told his sister once, "Can't I be the only thing in your life you worry about for once?" This is a woman who is married to an alcoholic husband herself (XABF was always talking about this), and had three children (who in XABF's opinion would never amount to anything), and worked three different jobs (two of them very strenuous; the other very time consuming), but he wants to be the only thing she is concerned about.
Alcoholics do not have relationships.
They take hostages.
His whole world is a facade, pretending he has unlimited money, pretending he is the most intelligent and engaging man in the world, and he takes them in, too. A viper in Burberry and expensive leather, his closet full of Armani ties, his credit card statement listing two five star $100-per-person restaurants a weekend, living off his credit cards, borrowed time and borrowed reputation, until one day that whole world is going to come crashing down on him.
I don't intend to be there to see it. I can't.
When I left XABF, I was all used up. Nothing left - no energy, no dreams, no memory of who I used to be, no hope for anything.
Now I'm rebuilding my life, one day at a time, one dream at a time, and finally a sunrise has come to the years and years of endlessly dark starless nights that my life once was.
I am finally whole again, from the inside out, and it is a wonderful feeling.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by choublak 
He's such a high-functioning alcoholic, I didn't know he had a drinking problem when we first started dating. Nor did he. High-functioning alcoholics have it the worst of all the alcoholic varieties, because they don't exhibit nor experience the signs and consequences of more "typical" alcoholics.
I was married to my AH for 20 years. And even though in retrospect I can see what was happening in the beginning, only the last 5 or 6 years were really bad. Unfortunately, by that time we had two children, a mortgage, and I had completely lost any individuality I ever had. The children and I were like satellites orbiting around him. Everything revolved around him and his drinking. It didn't get that way all of a sudden. It happened slowly, incrementally over two decades.
L
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
When he is sober and not on a binge, I hold a grudge against him. He (we) will be trying to have a good time and move forward, but I'm too angry at him to enjoy anything.
We each have a 'gut feeling' or an 'inner voice'. That inner voice ALWAYS has our best interest at heart. When I first came here I could not hear that voice. I had so many other things clamoring around in my head (obligations, should do this or that, wishful thinking, fear, expectations etc.) and I had ignored it for so long I was at a loss. It was there all along though and that voice is what was making it impossible for me to accept certain things.
Consider this - perhaps that 'grudge' is your tiny voice telling you to pay attention. This isn't right. It isn't good for me. If you think of it that way, it isn't the grudge you need to fix. The grudge is just a little marker for where to look.
Denial runs deep and dies hard.
It's not that I want to "fix" him; more like...he should know better. He should have enough sense to know to not drink alcohol, period.
If it gets worse, I have a dozen places I can go to stay with relatives.
I don't mean to stomp on you. I am yacking to you to 'see' just like I yacked to my husband to 'see'. I know it doesn't work but I am compelled, lol. Codie Alert. I really am not even advocating that you leave him. That is only for you to decide. I'm only sharing so that you can maybe flip your thinking. So that you can move forward with acceptance, peace and happiness, not grudges, anger, and depression. That is no way to live.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by choublak
We? Us? Please don't tell me the whole forum speaks, thinks, eats as one.
If you travel the pathway long enough, you will see there is a basic convergence of these patterns over time, and all stories end up sounding similar.
So what starts out as sounding perhaps condescending or judgemental later becomes just a statement of pattern.
And, LOL, ironically, one of the patterns is the codie #1 desperately wanting to influence cpdoe #2 not to have to suffer as codie #1 did.
But we all have our own learning curve.
Some folks take short cuts, some don't.
Regardless what you feel about us, we do hope healing for you, because we know how devastating it is, and how hard it is to come to terms with what is.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Sorry for a second post. Regarding the part where he (we) are trying to move forward.
Moving forward is sustained recovery over a period of many months. Moving forward is not living between binges as if they never happened and won't happen again.
It is OK to honor your history together and all the feelings it created. You can give yourself permission to move slowly, be cautious and reserved, take your time, request some space. Those are all reasonable and healthy methods of moving forward in a risky relationship. Methods that honor yourself and the relationship. If he is respectful and understanding of your needs, then that tells you something. If he is not - well then that tells you something too.
Moving forward is sustained recovery over a period of many months. Moving forward is not living between binges as if they never happened and won't happen again.
It is OK to honor your history together and all the feelings it created. You can give yourself permission to move slowly, be cautious and reserved, take your time, request some space. Those are all reasonable and healthy methods of moving forward in a risky relationship. Methods that honor yourself and the relationship. If he is respectful and understanding of your needs, then that tells you something. If he is not - well then that tells you something too.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi choublak,
"What am I willing to live with?" That is a question I had to ask myself....sometimes over and over again. With time, I had a set of boundaries regarding behavior I was willing to accept or would not accept when it comes to my A stepson.
I don't think that I would have been able to come up with a plan for myself one moment sooner than I was ready.
This is your valuable and precious life, and it is your path to take. Hoping for peaceful and happy days ahead for you.
HG
"What am I willing to live with?" That is a question I had to ask myself....sometimes over and over again. With time, I had a set of boundaries regarding behavior I was willing to accept or would not accept when it comes to my A stepson.
I don't think that I would have been able to come up with a plan for myself one moment sooner than I was ready.
This is your valuable and precious life, and it is your path to take. Hoping for peaceful and happy days ahead for you.
HG
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 30
My ex refused to talk about it also and even now that he has been sober for 5 years and he was in and out of the hospital many times he willl not talk about being an alcoholic. Even with the problems we have with my AD and possibly AS he never comes out and admits his problem. I think he thinks since he quit without going to meetinigs he must not really have been an alcoholic.
You can't figure out their thought process at all. At least we can talk now and share the problem we have with our AD. But I would never, ever, ever get back into that relationship. And whether he ever admits to being an alcoholic, or my daughter ever admits being an addict......I will definately admit to being co-dependent and an enabler.....in recovery!
You can't figure out their thought process at all. At least we can talk now and share the problem we have with our AD. But I would never, ever, ever get back into that relationship. And whether he ever admits to being an alcoholic, or my daughter ever admits being an addict......I will definately admit to being co-dependent and an enabler.....in recovery!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
Eventually I found myself a social worker (who gave me a bunch of legal resources) and a therapist (who helped me realize I wasn't crazy).
I can barely pay for the school I am currently enrolled in, let alone a therapist.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
I hear that. It's really hard to get a decent therapist in my town; I gave up.
It's understandable that the relationship is stressing you out at present. That's no way to live, always tiptoe-ing around.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing-- you could live apart for a while and then re-assess in six months (or the end of the semester or school year or whatever). If in six months he's straightened himself out with the alcohol, and you feel more relaxed around him as a consequence, then great. If not--well, you can see how you feel then.
It's understandable that the relationship is stressing you out at present. That's no way to live, always tiptoe-ing around.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing-- you could live apart for a while and then re-assess in six months (or the end of the semester or school year or whatever). If in six months he's straightened himself out with the alcohol, and you feel more relaxed around him as a consequence, then great. If not--well, you can see how you feel then.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
I thought I would update this post to say I’m doing a lot better. I’m married to someone else who isn’t an alcoholic (although his late mother was). I’m still working through some trauma but I’m generally happier overall.
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