steve11694

My experience with AW ditto for what others have said. Actually confronting them about drinking can give them additional reason to drink, in case the pre-existing ones were not sufficient LOL. They may simply blame the next drinking bout on you though they would have done it regardless.


Some recoverings alcs I have met at AA have said they would have "drank in my face" had I said they had an alcohol problem.

Do not try to apply reason and logic where there is none.

Don't take their actions personally (yes, hard to do), live for yourself and normal loved ones and friends. Don't get pulled down into the sewer with the alcoholic.

Terminally Unique

For those who are not willing to accept a higher standard, this is probably true. My family was quite skeptical when I quit AA, therapy, everything, assuming that I was in denial, that I was in the process of relapse, and that I would inevitably drink again. I finally told them "regardless of the past, and regardless of what you have read or been taught about alcoholism, I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind. If you would like, we can have an attorney draft a contract for me to sign with clearly laid out guarantees for everyone of what will happen if I have so much as one beer, and we can have it notarized."

A good thing to keep in mind for those of you that are not addicted is that addiction expands into the tolerance that surrounds it. My advice: don't tolerate it.

duqld1717

My ex bf was the same as yours. He would binge on friday and saturday nights. He could go all week sober and he could also have one or two beers on occasion and stop. You could say he was "functioning". The times where I saw him have a couple and be fine would throw me off. But there is no such thing as a "functioning alcoholic" in my opinion. While he had a job and didn't have much financial trouble, our relationship was in shambles because of his drinking, he never asserted himself at work so he never became promoted so he stayed at his entry level job at age 35 while everyone around him moved up. He did not have much savings and he couldn't afford to live on his own. He will always need a roomate. We had to plan our weekend around his time to binge so we could never do anything last minute if it got in the way. He would also use "activities" such as hockey or golf to occupy his mind from drinking. All that was was an excuse or reason to drink. I don't call all of these examples "functioning". I call that flying under the radar. He may seem ok on the outside but is he really? That is not my version of "ok".

When I left him, he started drinking a 6 pack on wednesday nights along with the weekend binges, so I got a glimpse of his drinking getting worse as alcoholism always does. I decided to leave because I didn't want my weekends ruined anymore. The few days a week when he stayed sober did not cut it for me anymore. I want to be with someone who I am happy 7 days a week with, not just 4 or 5 days a week with. Trust me, life is so much better when you don't have to live your life around someone else's boozing habits.

Linkmeister

Master of manipulation, master of denial. I was in a relationship with a binge drinker and can attest to the number of times I got caught up in the cycle of drinking and the associated verbal/emotional abuse, then the detox & remorse, the halfhearted attempts at recovery (everything from AA to therapy, counseling, anti depressants, to stop drinking meds) and finally, back to another binge because according to the ex, "nothing" worked for him.

Even though we weren't living together, I walked on eggshells, not wanting to upset the apple cart, always wondering when the next binge was. With the help of Al-Anon, counseling, Melody Beattie's books and SR, I found the courage to detach from all of the insanity, but still could not let go totally, living with the delusion that as long as I was in his life, that our dream of making a life together would give him something to work toward.

On my part, that's what it was-a delusion. After yet another binge this spring, with some very nasty words to me, I walked. Told him it was over. As much as I loved (and still do love) him, I had to look out for myself, put myself first if I was to move on and achieve my goals. It finally dawned on my that his drinking still did control me - I was kind of stuck in neutral and as hard as it was to let go, I did.

He contacted me a couple of months ago-we met, talked things over and from what I saw, nothing had changed. He feels that he has his drinking "under control" and thought I made too big a deal of when he drank. I didn't need Al-Anon or anything that smacked of recovery because I had not "been in his life long enough" to warrant that.

I agreed to disagree on that one and as he saw me moving on with schooling, making friends and taking on other interests, his opposition grew. Whether he was sober or not, he laid on the snide remarks, the disinterest in what I was doing; you could feel the resentment dripping in his voice. We ran out of things to talk about because he had no interest in my schooling or friends or for that matter, talking about what brought us to this point in the first place.

Just a couple of weeks ago, after another heated conversation, I did the things I could have never done before-changed my phone #'s email and the like. Total, extreme no contact. The days of walking on eggshells (was this the start of another binge or was he just tired or not feeling well) ended and he was truly on his own, no one else but himself to blame for his decisions.

Last week, I finally found a job and Friday, I finished the first stage of an Accounting program. It felt good, it made me feel good and as much as I would have liked him to share in my successes, he won't be around as he has made his choice to live his life still drinking.

Freedom1990

May I offer you a hearty congratulations on the job and finishing the first stage of your accounting program!

Linkmeister

Thanks, Freedom. It's been a long struggle (and you have been an inspiration for me) but so worth it. I moved cross country to be with him and here I am, in a beautiful place, moving ahead with my life, new friends, new job, new life, still in debt, but free of the insanity of addiction.

soberlicious

this worked for me too...and congrats on your schooling and your newfound peace!!

MTSlideAddict

What makes me think that he is manipulating is the inability to communicate about it. On another one of your threads you added a link to a thread that your boyfriend had created. Throughout his thread I read a lot of “she does this” “she does that.” He was completely side stepping his issues. Instead of making a thread focusing on himself and his recovery he was placing blame as to how “wrong” or “irritating” you have been reacting. None of that, right or wrong, should be his focus. He needs to focus on recovering alone. I understand that he may not want to hear about past problems, and dwell upon unresolved issues. That is where each one of you have to work on yourselves.

I hope that he is sincere with his recovery, or that he finds it throughout his program. There is no way of knowing his intensions until some time has passed. Meanwhile, let him discover his path, and maybe you figure out some boundaries for yourself. What you will or will not accept in your life.

pandypoo

Again, I can soooo relate to the high functioning part of your story with both my XAH and AD. My ex was very respected in his field, extremely liked in our community and my family thought he has wonderful. No one suspected anything....especially me. Until things got the to point where he was non functioning. It hit me like a brick that I didn't notice sooner. I think part of it is drinking is such an accepted thing in normal society especially around my family.

With my AD I had NO clue that she was doing heroin. We would talk, go shopping, she was doing great in school and at work. I suspected she was smoking pot but being from the 70's generation I didn't think that was such a big deal. Then she committed a crime with several much older guys and she has to go to jail and I find out heroin? Wow. I was absolutely blown away. And that nightmare continues.....3 rehabs later. She just keeps switching DOC.....alcohol, ICE whatever.

But if you were to meet her you would think she was very intelligent, gorgeous, capable. She is until she won't be. Know what I'm saying?

I am learing to detach. I am redecorating her room and will store her stuff until sometime in the future. And my heart is broken but I will not allow this to happen again.

Good luck to you.

Kimmieh

He has tried to quit, to control, etc. But he has talked far more than done and when he did, it was mostly to keep me off his back.

He doesn't binge anymore, but the effects his binges have had on me are still there. I hate it when he is just buzzed. He says how he was so much worse once and is now better and I ask myself why I should settle for better when I could have just GOOD.

choublak

I am not sure if this means anything, but the time between binges has actually increased since last year. Last year he completely denied that he had a problem, dismissing it an as imperfection, and would black out on a weekly basis.

akrasia

Well, it's not something that can really be talked about.

If you're like me, you're probably saying to him, "Why? We're going along all happily and then you drop this bomb?"

The only reason is because he can't handle alcohol. And then alcohol withdrawal is so hard he keeps getting sucked in.

You know what really helped me? Was realizing that nothing I could do would change the binges. I mean, it's natural and good and right to want to help the one you love. He's struggling, the whole situation is nuts, so you try to argue, plead, explain, beg, etc., hoping it will help. However, alcohol is unlike any normal problem--it just makes people into zombies.

Realizing that nothing you will ever do will ever change how he binges--that can help you feel more peaceful inside.

Kimmieh

I think the question is really if you feel good, happy, and peaceful in this relationship as it is now.

I was always hanging on to the little improvements and they made me so happy. Now I think that he can improve on his own, prove to himself that he can live a happy and sober life if he HE wants to, and call me again. As long as I am there, I tend to suspect that much of what I think is improvement is really just manipulation to string me along.

I mean, think about it: we are happy because they binge every other week rather then every week? We should be happy because they get promoted at work or spontaneously take us on a weekend camping trip or paint the porch or take over all the chores because we are busy. I am tired of being happy about things that shouldn't even be part of my life.

Terminally Unique

Kimmieh has it right. Problem drinkers and alcoholics should not be drinking at all. There were times early on when I "cut back" if I had a sufficiently good reason to, and it did get some people off my back, but over the long run, the only way to go was down. For someone with a proven history of not being able to control their alcohol intake, or the problems arising from their alcohol intake, anything except quitting for good is a ruse, and I will stand by that.

danielleinto

My husband likely drinks everyday but he doesn't get drunk every day but I know it's coming. I hide money, control the bank card etc... It's no life. It took me over 20 years to reach the acceptance stage and believe me there's no serenity in it. Everything I hear after the binges is b.s. and if you read here you'll hear over and over the same story. You're b.f. isn't "different". It takes some of us longer than others to get that.

This is an alanon support group and thank God I can read and post here because there isn't any other family support for the families. For the alcoholic, yes but for us no. I'm not into alanon but this board here is the only thing that keeps me going. Even after I get him out of my house for good I'll need this place for awhile. I don't only come here to read though, every time we post we help someone.

I've left before and I should have stayed gone, even when I still loved him. I should have stayed away until he proved to me what he said between binges. 28 years later and it's still b.s. He's in alcoholic counselling and he gets drunk in between appts.

soberlicious

Choublak, I would have to agree with AVRT and kimmieh...for alcoholics, quitting for good is really the only answer. I don't think time between binges indicates anything. I will say this again because I believe it to be true...amount/frequency are of little consequence when it's obvious that one's life is a mess...as AVRT said, he has a proven history. Alcohol is causing him and you serious problems anyway you slice it. This is really about the quality of your life, because only he can address the quality of his. Do you want want to pin your hopes on his recovery even when logically his behavior clearly indicates otherwise right now? If you do want to hold out hope, that's fine...but ask yourself how much of your life you are willing to give away to his addiction...another year, 5 years, 10 years? One never knows...and time flies that's for sure...how do you want to spend it?

For a long time I tried to figure out if I was really an "alcoholic"...since I could find a million ways to deny that label, I continued to drink. In the end...I wasn't dead, but I might as well have been. Denial is a funny thing. I knew I had a serious problem long before I quit, but even when I ended up in the psych ward I was telling the nurses "Look, I'm not really crazy...I'm doing an undercover expose for 60 Minutes, so if you could just let me go outside and have a smoke, that would be great" LOL The master manipulation came to an end...so did the denial. I hope that happens for him before it gets really bad.

soberlicious

danielleinto...My heart goes out to you.

choublak

Well, he hasn't had anything to drink since last Sunday, so only time will tell really. He had gone for three weeks without any alcohol until last Sunday when my cousins called us up and invited us to a party, with some college kids (the younger of the two cousins being in college). He told me he was going to have a couple beers, well that set off another binge.

Terminally Unique

This is another classic, which I am sad to admit I did myself once. Trying to look good to others while doing nothing about the problem. This is why I always say that "getting help" is not a substitute for quitting. Danielle, I'm sorry you had to go through all that. Truly.

choublak

I don't resist to the idea of a therapist. I get annoyed because people keep asking me the same things, al-anon or a therapist, and it's like, gee thanks I hadn't thought of that before. I'm sorry to sound rude, but it really does get old.