ValJester

Dude I am so sorry for you. I know that sinking feeling when we believe everything is going well and a huge let down knocks the wind out of our sails.

My girls have been setting up for a big celebration of my 46th birthday today.

We've had three weeks of sobriety on the house and it has been fantastic.

All the alarms went off this morning and to cut a long story short, a small bottle coke full of Vodka came out from under the drivers seat of my wifes car.

My heart is broken ....again.

seekingcalm

I know how much this hurts, and I agree it's a blessing for you to have this knowledge right now, at this time in your young son's life, so that both you and he can move forward to a better life.

Stay strong to do what you need to do for him and for yourself. Nothing you can do for you AW.

Thank you for sharing your story.

stepsforward

I am so sorry. Stay strong your son needs you. Just enjoy him

m1k3

This, or variations of it, seem to be the basic story don't they.

My wife went through detox and rehab and stopped drinking for almost 5 years. However, thanks to her idiot doctor, she replaced booze with sleeping pills. Sad part is one of the major warnings on these pills is do not prescribe to people with alcohol problems. I was getting concerned with her use of the pills but for the most part she was functional until abut 6 weeks ago. She then "crashed" as she put it and took large amounts of the pills with booze and spent 5 days in a blackout. Part of what bothered me it was a rather expensive bottle of Scotch I had been nursing that she used for her binge.

I have since moved out. I can never trust her again and I don't have the strength to deal with this anymore.

I am so sorry you had to find out like this but as others have said its your HP giving you a warning that things are not what you thought they were.

Either get her out or get yourselves out of there and don't look back.

You have my prayers.

Thumper

I'm sorry ValJester. Addiction takes and takes and takes.

stella27

I know that feeling. It was late at night, I had a non-sleeping baby in my arms, I was terribly lonely and had been for years and I saw XH's silhouette in front of the lights of the computer monitor, watching porn.

I knew we had big problems, but my heart broke further at that moment. Wicked is right. I can feel your sorrow.

lightseeker

Shellcrusher,

I am so sorry for your situation and the disappointment that I know that you are feeling. You are faced with some very difficult choices and if you put your son first it will help you. That is what I am doing. There are parts of me that want to stay with my husband even though he has abuse issues.....I know that it is crazy but I'm just being honest. BUT....I know that I cannot expose my sons to any more chances.

People can and do get sober. It's better for them to do it because THEY want to do it and not because that is what they have to do to stay with us. It is always a half hearted effort if that is the case but it never really works in the long run. There is nothing wrong in removing yourself and your son from the situation and then saying...do what you need to do for the next year, get sober/into recovery, and then we'll talk. That way you are dealing with someone that has really dug down deeply and you won't put yourself and your son through increasingly more painful days.

My husband got sober from cocaine/crack 5 1/2 years ago but didn't dig down. Those behaviors and addict thinking eventually have eroded our relationship. Just not using isn't the secret....addressing the underlying issues is. I have thrown away 5 years of my life trying to make it work with someone that hasn't done his share of the work. I have suffered, my sons have suffered. I hope and I pray that you won't be me and need to take the long way to the same point....... No matter what your choice there is love and support for you though. I know that we all get it when we get it. I'm trying to be gentle with myself because I'm upset that it has taken me so long and I have sacrificed so much.

Shellcrusher

Thanks for the insight, comments and well wishes.

Some of you know, I'm not much of a prayin man but I did pray a while ago. I did ask for signs. I've told people here not to ask for signs. I was given some immediately. Time went on and I prayed for awareness. I agree that I've been given yet another sign. I'm aware of it. I believe I need to ask for help in making a decision here.

Catlovermi, I asked my therapist about my son's memories. She told me they don't develop long term memory capabilities until they're roughly 3 years old. I am thankful for that at least.

Today I feel like an escalator. Every step is a different emotion and it keeps going round and round.

I'm not so much struggling with the fact my AW is messed up but how I'm dealing with it. I simply don't know what to do. I believe I need to make a move. Same story different times I guess.

Back when she told me about going to a specialist she wasn't exactly clear on what her addiction was but in the end, maybe she chose to tell me the lesser of two evils. What's my point here? Is she really working on both addictions and the stuff I found was from before she sought help? That's what she'd quack to me. I know it.

That begs a few questions though and here comes the cynical anger. Why keep the stuff? Is there some sentimental value tied to the empty baggy? Did that straw treat you well? Is that razor extra sharp and super efficient at chopping up your drugs? Did that mirror make you look better as you watched yourself blowing powder up your nose? I mean damn!

The next question. If you're really working an addiction plan, what were you doing in that storage bin the other day? Dusting off your memories? Perhaps your memories were dusting you?

I know these questions and thoughts really do nothing positive for me or my son.

I know my son is safe with me. I know he can have a chance at a life without this crap. I have the power to limit his exposure to and keep a cycle from starting with him. I know things are things and can be replaced. I know I will make more money tomorrow and I will recover financially. I know I can get rid of the stuff and get this over with. I just feel like I have the emergency brakes on and can't move.

What movie was it? Amityville horror? The house says "Get out!" How can it be more clear?

I know I didn't cause this. I can't control it. I can't cure it.

I can't help but to be angry with myself right now. I feel like such a sucker!

m1k3

Look man, you love her and you want to help. What has happened is that you finally realized that you can't trust her. For your son's sake you need to either get her or yourselves out of there. Hard decision I know.

I moved out last weekend and even just a couple of days of no craziness can make a big difference.

Our love and prayers go with you.

wanttobehealthy

Shell- God I am so so sorry... I read your post and felt that drop in the pit of my stomach when the "discovery" is made feeling. And when it comes after a period of time of feeling positive and believing what you're seeing is real, it makes it that much worse. I know too well the feeling of being a sucker and I assure you as you have probably assured me, you are not a sucker. Addicts are better liars than anyone-- if your W wants you in the dark she will do it. And I know the confusion of what do I do in your emotions even when you know in your head what you should do. My kids are just a bit older than your son and my 5 yr old has been severely impacted by my having stayed longer than I should have. My AH is high functioning and hasn't "done" anything to the girls per se, but both my D's have a lot of sad behaviors/emotional expressions that are most definitely the result of what they have lived with. Even if you aren't ready to divorce, time apart sounds wise for your son's sake. Seems to me that your W would be the one to need to leave and you stay in the home with your son so that he has as much stability as possible.

laurie6781

I am really sorry you are in this mess. I would disagree with your therapist up to a point because I have some very distinct memories of when I was very young and upon research found out that they happened when I was 17 to 20 months old.

Also, something else I thought of, and this is a bit 'sticky' but .............. if any of your wife's using or drinking friends gets mad at her for any reason and should out of spite call CPS it becomes a danger of your son being removed from your home. And yes A's will do that, they will get mad at someone and cause trouble just for spite.

I understand your feeling like the brakes are on and you can't move, but please, if not for you, take the actions necessary to keep your son safe 24/7.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Shellcrusher

I'm operating in radio silent mode for right now. I was upset last night but blamed it on the dog shitting in the house. I plan to put on my acting character tonight but putting things in motion now.

Trying to keep the sadness at bay.

I'm trying to do the next right thing.
Therapist was contacted and appointment set to help me process through this.
Email to lawyer sent requesting appointment.
Retainer funds moved to checking account.
I'm currently moving everything to backup, including my videos.

Man, there's such a battle going on in my head. I know I need to divorce this toxic person and get me and the boy out.

StarCat

One day at a time, Shell. You're heading in the right direction, just keep walking!
Your son is very lucky to have you.

There's nothing wrong with having hope.
The issue becomes, when we're hit with a reality that doesn't correspond to that hope, what do we do about it?

You're doing what you need to do, for both you and your son.
That's all you need to do, and really, that's all you can do, at least successfully.

Much love and prayers.

Shellcrusher

I wish I could blanket thank everyone.
You've all been very helpful.

I'm on autopilot right now and things are moving along quickly. My meeting with the attorney is tomorrow. I guess I'm thankful that I've already danced this far before and got lots of my stuff organized. I'll have damn near all financials delivered tomorrow as well as backed up copies of all video recordings I've made.

I don't want my head to do too much thinking or I will derail again.

While typing this, she called me. She knows I'm upset about life in general but not what you all know. I'm keeping my mouth shut and frankly, I'll be skirting around issues for a while.

MeredithD1

thank you, Banish Eggshells; I had the same situation in my first few posts last month I found 3 links to this, and this one was, IMHO, the best (the words are the same; this one has some ***'s in place of F-bombs, etc)

8 Easy Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator [Archive] - Prison Talk

Shellcrusher, I understand not wanting to tell the story - TFS, so much, so that we can offer you our hopes and prayers for things to get better for you and your boy. You have been there to support many of us; I'm glad you made the decision to accept our support in return, via your sharing. I am so sorry that your hopes for your wife, were dashed, because she shifted addictions.

ValJester, I am so sorry - I have an idea of what a letdown that must have been - expecting a celebration with your wife, daring to feel joy about that celebration, and then finding out that ... well, you will need to find another way to celebrate your birthday with your girls, because that one can't happen with your wife. I pray that your celebration of your birthday, your life, with the girls, will give you some comfort and, dare I say, even some joy.

wanttobehealthy

Shell- you are doing outstandingly well in the face of such major stuff. I think the fact that you are not letting your W know of your discovery is very very wise. I have never had the sense to keep what I "discover" to myself and when I confront AH with what I have found it's insanity x 1,000,000,000. I think you are very wise and protecting yourself and your son to be getting everything set up-- finances, lawyer, films etc... Again, I am so sorry for all you are going through...

LexieCat

Shellcrusher,

I, too, am proud of the way you are dealing with this. I know it's hard to keep moving, and putting on the brave, determined face, while part of you feels like it's falling apart inside.

Still, it's important to take the actions you are taking, the way you are taking them, right now. You can deal with the emotional stuff once the essentials are under control.

Keep talking to us--we've got your back, emotionally speaking. Think of us all there, in spirit, as you do what needs to be done for yourself and your child. And, even, your wife. All of what you are doing is ultimately in everyone's best interest.

Hugs,

Danae

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Sounds like you are doing everything you should be doing, and doing it beautifully. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I remember when I had to go through this, and it is so tough. But it does end. And, some time in the future your son will understand what you've done and thank you. Mine did (many years and travails later!)

Shellcrusher

This is a long post. I'm trying to get it out. I've already journaled and sent a copy to my parents. They are very concerned. At this point, my entire family knows the whole deal. My therapist has always known and so has my boss.

So I spent some time with the therapist. Many issues were covered and she generally says similar things as you all are saying. Keep doing the next right thing. It doesn't all need to happen right now. She also suggested that I guard against letting anything escallate. She suggested that my AW may becoming more and more desperate which can be dangerous for everyone. I need to tread carefully. She also suggested that I keep talking about this with those I trust. Family, friends, her, lawyer, you guys. The more I keep talking about divorce, the more accustomed I become to it. She taught me some meditation methods to help me calm down. I was wound tight when I got to her office.

The AW was sober and clear when I got home tonight. She busied herself with the garden. I left for 30 minutes. When I returned, she was outside in her pajamas planting flowers. That isn't normal. Her nose was beat red, completely stuffed up and visibly drunk. I got closer, mentioned her nose and looked her in the face. Her reaction was shame as she looked away.
I went in the house. The boy was sleeping. I checked her stash. It has been moved and some of the boxes are on a different shelf. She's been into it again tonight. 30 minutes quick. The boy woke up so I kissed him, told him how much I loved him and asked him if I could tuck him back in. He was excited at the prospect and went right back to sleep.

I decided tonight it would be best to sleep downstairs. An odd feeling is expressing itself. I'm grossed out. Normally, I'm angry. Not so this time. I just think she's gross. Anyway, I went downstairs. She followed me down and acted like she was doing something. I simply stated that I knew she was drunk. She looked at me and simply said, yes. The conversation did not get much better but I am proud of myself. She did all the tactics. I rejected them all from blameshifting to making things up to changing the topics. In the end, she said she should have called a few people for help but she decided to drink instead. So there you have it. She's admitted to me, as if I wasn't already aware, that she choosing booze over me and her son. Thanks for strengthening my resolve. I didn't trigger. I didn't play into her business.

She used to be sneaky. Now she stills drinks on the sly but openly admitting to it. Now I can see how some of your A's actively drink in front of you. It's like she knows her ship is sinking and she's giving in to it and being okay with it. She even suggested that she hasn't had an addiction issues for 2 weeks. She was actually very proud of herself. Does she want a brownie button for that?

Mind boggling.

I need to work out the legal course now. I'll do this tomorrow. I don't have the answers tonight. My boss is aware of the situation and told me to take whatever time I needed.

I'm still pissed at myself though. Between my last post and the time I got home, my resolve was getting weak. I got home and felt like I really didn't want to do what must be done. Then this happened and even now after typing so much, I feel better. I know I feel better because I'm sharing and emptying my frustrations but something inside of me is getting weak again. Gah! That is maddening to the extreme.

I won't push for a fight tomorrow morning but I think I'll ask her where she's at. I already know the answer but just hearing her BS will boost my strength again.

I've been making threats for so long and in so many different ways, hoping she'd hear me. We all do this. We read about it daily. For any new people here, in the end, it really doesn't matter what you say. They don't care about you or your kid, their kid, nothing. What it really did was keep them from growing up. They got away with it. Again, and again and again. Surely nothing will ever happen. I hate to say this but she doesn't know what's coming.

Thanks for sticking with me.

I have never openly prayed before. Bear witness to me handing my life over to my HP.

God, I pray for the strength to do the next right thing. Let me move forward towards normalcy and peace. Please don't let me be seduced into false hopes. Help me take action to protect me and my son.

Shellcrusher

Side note:
I just read the link. Wow! Was that my AW's previous husband talking about her?
Thanks for the link. It expressed some things I haven't been able to put into words.