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The lengths of addiction

Old 05-24-2011, 07:01 PM
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The lengths of addiction

Best to get everyone up to speed. I don't really want to tell this story but I know I need to get this off my chest.

Several weeks ago, I went through a weekend preparing to file divorce due to AW's drinking. She had a "good" talk about her rock bottom and how she's going to get help, etc.

She slipped once but got back to a non-drinking state. Things have been really peaceful. She's been on anti-depressants, anti-drinking pills and seeing an addiction therapist weekly. We've been having very open discussions about her drinking which I've never had with her before. She's been processing things very well and in general, I really believed things were normal.

There were a few times when I thought she was acting a bit odd but nothing at all like she was drinking. It was either Sunday or Monday night and she was in her office and I saw her quietly put something away in a storage bin. I did not make a big deal. I acted like I never saw anything but my alarms went off. I knew something was up. Tonight she is out at an art class. I'm here alone with the boy. I gave him a bath and sat him down for a little Toy Story time before reading, etc. I decided to check out the storage bin real quick.

I found a massive stash of used up coke items. Baggies out the wazoo. Empty. There were larger jars, razor blades, plates, straws, credit cards, cd covers, etc. Everything a cokehead would have. I didn't find any actual drugs but the whole things was dusted and heavily used.

So there you have it. The AW signed up for an addiction therapist to deal with her drinking. She's taking pills depression. All of this BS talk and I have to find this other addiction of hers. I always suspected something was up. Massive credit card debt in 1 year. Not on my cards. Hers. Massive weight loss. Sinus problems. Everything points to what I found.

She also managed to hide my video card sometime ago. I happened to order a backup some time ago. It was put to use tonight. Not much good other than documentation purposes. Gah!

The boys 2 year birthday is in a few weeks. Our anniversary is in a few weeks. I need to get me and the boy away from her. I need to file a divorce but once again, I'm stuck here alone and feeling like I can't do anything.

Guess I could use some support and encouragement.

Damn!
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Old 05-24-2011, 07:10 PM
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First of all I would document what you have found with time stamped video or digital camera pics, as they will help you in court.

Next I have to ask, is this child your son or just "the boy"? IF in fact he is your son, then you will also want to file for temporary custody when you file for divorce so that your son is not left in the care of a cocaine user and alcoholic.

Document everything, and get you and your child out of there ASAP.

The disease of addiction, be it alcoholic, coke, crack, or all of that and more progresses and gets worse and worse. You already sense in your gut that she is 'gas lighting' you, so......................... the ball is in your court, what will you do next to protect that child and yourself?

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-24-2011, 07:22 PM
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Oh boy, talk about taking the wind out of your sails...I am so very sorry....yet, I am glad that you now know the truth. Armed with this information you know what you need to do to protect your child.

Take a deep breath, and start formulating your plan. You can do this.
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Old 05-24-2011, 07:25 PM
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I am so sorry Shellcrusher.
I guess your HP wanted to send you another message, to push you farther along your path.
I hate the moment I realize that something I believed was totally a lie.

Take care of your self and your son. He is lucky to have you.
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Old 05-24-2011, 07:34 PM
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Ah shoot. You sounded so positive there for a bit. I, too, had a similar situation but with pot. No drinking for two months - great conversations, everything seemed to be going back to some kind of "normal" and then I picked his jacket up off the floor and out drops a bag of weed.

Damnit!

I didn't think of that...I was so grateful for the drinking and craziness to end that I never thought there would be a replacement addiction.

But coke is a whole 'nother story. Weed can get you in some legal trouble, but in my neck of the woods its still legal to possess, so probably a fine and a slap on the wrist. Coke, I believe that's getting into the felony class. Is this something you want around your kid?

What if it was him who opened the box, found her stash and ingested it?

I remember vividly holding the bag and thinking "This is not a good influence on my kids. I must do something now".

Stay strong, Shell.
~T
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Old 05-24-2011, 07:36 PM
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WOW this has to be hard! Addiction is so ugly. I'm glad you went to look so now you know the truth. Funny because us codies are told don't go look, because it is part of our addiction. I guess you blew that logic right out the window based on what you found. I am back to it is okay to look to make sure it is what you think it is and to be informed. Time to go back to your plan of divorce, moving on and getting into a healthy living situation. You are strong and you can do this.
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Old 05-24-2011, 07:38 PM
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Tomorrow. Go to the lawyer, give him the photos, file to have her kicked out of the house. Your photos will do that. This has to stop.
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Old 05-24-2011, 07:41 PM
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Just really sorry, ShellCrusher. Really dam sorry.
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Old 05-24-2011, 07:58 PM
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Rough roller coaster you are on

*sigh* Addicts sure are good at what they do aren't they? I'm sorry for you. I'm really sorry.

The good news is, you had a plan back then and you can go back to the plan. If it helps you feel less taken advantage of, my AXH had his sponsor, his AA groups (yes, groups, as in 2 homegroups), convinced he had been clean and sober for years. In the meantime, he had replaced his addiction with pills. Big time addiction. He fooled everyone for years. The last few months I knew, but was working on getting out. Just made sure he was never alone or driving the kids. Once I kicked him out, he came clean with everyone. He still has AA people who won't speak to him, because of his lies all those years. So yes, your AW is a good liar. Addicts are.

This article helped me a lot: (um, it won't let me post a link: i'm too new! so google 8 easy ways to spot an emotional manipulator)


(ignore the rude language, but really read this description). This is probably who you are dealing with. At least in part. If you can relate to the description, remember it during the divorce part. Compartmentalize and use the info. I did and it paid off. Now, put on your big Papa Bear shoes and take care of the boy. He's going to need a nice strong parent. Tag, you're it.

It gets better. Today is one of your worst days. It gets better.
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Old 05-24-2011, 07:59 PM
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Jut a note on the photos. Check with your attorney but do not take digital photos or videos. These are inadmissible in court (criminal court at least, in my jurisdiction) as they are easily manipulated and there is no negative. A family member works for the Feds and photos evidence has told me this. Rules for divorces/child support/civil cases may be different.
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Old 05-24-2011, 08:08 PM
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I don't believe that's true, most places, anyway. Digital photos CAN be altered, but can be authenticated by the person who took them, who will testify they haven't been altered. Any suggestion of alteration would go only to the weight, not the admissibility, of the evidence. Any photo's admissibility (even film, with negatives) is subject to laying a proper foundation--i.e., testimony that the photo accurately shows what it purports to show.

Sorry for the lawyerly digression.

That sucks, Shellcrusher. I'm so sorry.
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Old 05-24-2011, 09:13 PM
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I saw her quietly put something away in a storage bin.
I am very sad for you shellcrusher, when I read this.....i just felt the sorrow.

I hope you can find some peace in your decisions and move forward from here.

Beth
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Old 05-24-2011, 10:21 PM
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THAT JUST SUCKS! I am so sorry that more was revealed and not in good way. You are so not alone...we are all here to help you when you need help, to offer friendship and ATTA BOYs, to bear witness.
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Old 05-24-2011, 10:38 PM
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So sorry. Nothing to add but my support and prayers. Your HP will give you the strength (grace) when you need it.
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Old 05-24-2011, 10:51 PM
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omg, that must have been so frustrating and upsetting. Good luck for the days ahead and the steps that you need to take. Keep doing the next right thing.
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Old 05-25-2011, 12:38 AM
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I'm so sorry, Shellcrusher. Hang in there. Hugs for you and your kiddo.
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Old 05-25-2011, 01:13 AM
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(((((Hugs)))))

Sometimes HP sends us very clear signals about who is who... they hurt at first... but its also a push to move forward. She is showing you who she is now... now its time, to show who YOU are, a dad worried about his kid and able to see this problem is hers and its a long long way to go before she is anywhere near recovered. Also a man that deserves everything that is good in this world.. EVERYTHING... starting with peace, quiet, good sleep.... your kid deserves a normal life, too.

I got none of that when I was sharing the same house with an addict, plain and simple. It is difficult to stop blaming alcohol and see its the person that is doing all these things. But it also set me free, I no longer put excuses for him, I had to accept I can't cure him, no one can, I'd better start thinking about me. I hit "codie bottom".

((((More hugs)))))
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Old 05-25-2011, 05:01 AM
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I see a blessing in disguise - a big one.

At under two years old, a child's long term memory of what they can recall isn't very much in order, yet. AND, the most formative years are right now.

Getting the child away from addiction in this window will turn out to be the biggest blessing of all, one with enormous ramifications for the boy's entire life.

Without this incident, causing you to take action now, the boy would be entering some of his most profoundly formative years with the strongest long term memories, in the midst of active addiction and all the chaos and imprinting influences thereof.

So while it seems awful, it was indeed a good thing, to discover this quiet stashing of cocaine trash, now.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI
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Old 05-25-2011, 05:27 AM
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I'm so sorry Shellcrusher.

Catlovermi has a very good point. An excellent point.

You and your son will be in my thoughts today.
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Old 05-25-2011, 05:59 AM
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Shellcrusher, sorry you have to go thru this.

We get trapped up in this corrupt addiction thing and we lose focus on whats important.

Find peace by looking into your small childs eyes. This is the closest thing of purity and innocents on this physical earth.

Take care brother,
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