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The lengths of addiction

Old 05-25-2011, 11:33 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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You can do this. One step at a time. It's hard, I know, and caving in and backing off from taking that final step can be sooo seductive. Doing the right thing isn't always the easiest! You sound like you've got your head in the right place. You are strong.
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Old 05-26-2011, 01:48 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. I remember your posts from the past and how you have had so much loyalty to your AW.
It sounds like she doesn't really know about addiction; saying "she hasn't had addiction issues for two weeks", is really misunderstanding the problem. She is an addict and an alcoholic and will always be. Even if she gets clean and sober, she will have to work every day vigilantly at remaining sober and clean. It just won't go away.

If she is getting "pills" for alcohol, that would probably be antabuse, or campral or naltrexone...those are the three most commonly used. Antabuse is a preventative: if she drinks on it, she will become extremely ill and possibly need hospitalization. Campral will not react with alcohol, and is supposed to take away the cravings.
naltrexone can be used with alcohol and is supposed to lesson the desire for more drinks.
I tried therapy too, and all the pills, but no real changes happened to me until I started working the 12 steps in AA.
Hang in there: you are doing the right thing for you and your son. It sounds like she is just not ready to quit. You have already discussed divorce with her once and that apparently didn't constitute a "bottom" for her.
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Old 05-26-2011, 02:18 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
I'm still pissed at myself though. Between my last post and the time I got home, my resolve was getting weak. I got home and felt like I really didn't want to do what must be done. Then this happened and even now after typing so much, I feel better. I know I feel better because I'm sharing and emptying my frustrations but something inside of me is getting weak again. Gah! That is maddening to the extreme.
I understand. Take It Easy on yourself. You are clearly doing the best that you can. I think this is all part of the process of letting go - it's not a straight line.
Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
I have never openly prayed before. Bear witness to me handing my life over to my HP.

God, I pray for the strength to do the next right thing. Let me move forward towards normalcy and peace. Please don't let me be seduced into false hopes. Help me take action to protect me and my son.
I do so bear witness; I'm praying with you.
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Old 05-26-2011, 05:16 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Shell- What a terrible few days you've had. I am like you-- not a prayer-- and I was moved reading your post and realizing that that's all there is to do... Guess I need to re-think handing power over to my own HP.

One thing: I read your post and when I think about you being gone for a brief 30 min and what you W did in that time it worries me something sick for your DS. I know you are trying to take your time and it seems smart to do that, BUT I do worry about what your wife could potentially do, under the influence of both drugs and alcohol... especially if she senses you pulling away. There are too many horror stories of things parents do to kids to get back at a spouse and I just worry and I felt I'd be remiss if I didn't say that.

I don't mean to add to your stress and I am sorry if I upset you with what I said... I have a D your sons age (a bit older) and kids being in the mix really hits me hard... (and to be clear, I am no saintly parent-- I stayed with my AH waaaay too long and my D's were exposed to way too much and put in dangerous situations-- so please don't think I am preaching from a pedastal- hardly!)
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Old 05-26-2011, 06:41 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Shellcrusher I just wanted to let you know I'm one more person supporting your work on doing the "next right thing" and hanging in there. I can sympathize all too well with the feeling of being a sucker and I think the way you are handling this is really admirable. I hope I can find that kind of strength in the days to come... (my "R"AH has been testing the limits of my sanity in far too many ways recently )
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Old 05-26-2011, 07:56 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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I'll be heading out shortly for the meeting with the lawyer.
This morning. I simply can't believe how hard this person is nailing on her own coffin.

There was no remorse. No apologies. No responsibility. Nothing. There was nothing but pure venom towards me. I asked her where she was and she had nothing to say. She just gave me nasty little looks and mocked me. That is her standard OP when she knows she messed up.

She used the boy as a sword, trying to make me feel bad for having the tough talks with her in front of him. She was splitting hairs with me on my words, which she's good at but I know what she's doing. It's just avoidance of her own self pity.

She called me names. Said i was mean. At least she didn't call me Hitler today.

I walked away. Told her that she's made her bed and now she can sleep in it.

Wanttobehealthy. No offense taken and I hear what you're saying and it's because of these times that I'm taking the steps that I am. We need to be done with this for our own health and safety. Damn AW doesn't even have the capacity to recognize this.
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Old 05-26-2011, 08:06 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Good for you for not getting sucked in and god, reading this I am just shaking my head saying how is it possible that they are sooooo similar. Right down to the accusations of bad parenting for stating that x behaviors aren't acceptable when the girls are around. LOVE how they try to pretend they care about the kids when it suits their needs.

And are you truly surprised that she said nothing? I am sure she is full of guilt and shame etc... but you know what? She should be and the rest of the world, when we do something shameful, deals with it and makes amends. A's think that the world should turn the other way and be okay or if not okay, not remind them of their behavior. Not even my 3 yr old acts this way when she's harmed someone else. I don't accept it from her and I won't accept it from an A.

And then there's the mocking and game with semantics and splitting hairs... That hands down might me the most infuriating part of dealing with my AH through the years.

Again, well done on not taking the bait. I need to print your posts and remind myself of how you've handled this the next time AH is dangling bait in front of me...

Hope the lawyer meeting goes well...

Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
I'll be heading out shortly for the meeting with the lawyer.
This morning. I simply can't believe how hard this person is nailing on her own coffin.

There was no remorse. No apologies. No responsibility. Nothing. There was nothing but pure venom towards me. I asked her where she was and she had nothing to say. She just gave me nasty little looks and mocked me. That is her standard OP when she knows she messed up.

She used the boy as a sword, trying to make me feel bad for having the tough talks with her in front of him. She was splitting hairs with me on my words, which she's good at but I know what she's doing. It's just avoidance of her own self pity.

She called me names. Said i was mean. At least she didn't call me Hitler today.

I walked away. Told her that she's made her bed and now she can sleep in it.

Wanttobehealthy. No offense taken and I hear what you're saying and it's because of these times that I'm taking the steps that I am. We need to be done with this for our own health and safety. Damn AW doesn't even have the capacity to recognize this.
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Old 05-26-2011, 08:13 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
We need to be done with this for our own health and safety. Damn AW doesn't even have the capacity to recognize this.
Interesting how they don't recognize that. My RAH still, at 6 months sober, can't seem to understand why I moved out. *SIGH*

One day I'd like him to acknowledge how unsafe living with him was - for a variety of reasons. How negligent it was to drive drunk with us in the car. Having fires lit in the fireplace and oil lanterns burning while heavily intoxicated in the middle of the night. How one word to school officials of the drinking and rages would have ended me in a yucky conversation with child protective services. I could have lost custody. And on and on and on.

6 months sober and I still get flashes of anger from the RAH. This past weekend he called me a pain in the a$$ for holding him accountable to plans he made with me after he double booked with other people. He did apologize shortly after I hung up on him, which IS progress on his part, but boy howdy...change takes a looooong time. You've got to protect your son, and do whatever it takes to manage your life better in order to effectively single parent him. My girls are much happier and relieved today to not have to be subjected to the anger, confusion, and inconsistency that living with him has brought upon us.

I guess what I am trying to say in a long winded fashion is even in "true" recovery - it is very painful and bumpy. I can honestly say today I grossly underestimated what this was going to look like. And I am grateful today that I had the wherewithal to get out when I did, even if in the end we stay together and make it past this. But for right now - today - thank God I got away from it when I did.

Good luck today - put your needs first and foremost on the table...and stay strong! Wishing you some peace day, even in the midst of chaos.

~T
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Old 05-26-2011, 09:04 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Shellcrusher, my prayers go with you today.
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