This is a long post. I'm trying to get it out. I've already journaled and sent a copy to my parents. They are very concerned. At this point, my entire family knows the whole deal. My therapist has always known and so has my boss.
So I spent some time with the therapist. Many issues were covered and she generally says similar things as you all are saying. Keep doing the next right thing. It doesn't all need to happen right now. She also suggested that I guard against letting anything escallate. She suggested that my AW may becoming more and more desperate which can be dangerous for everyone. I need to tread carefully. She also suggested that I keep talking about this with those I trust. Family, friends, her, lawyer, you guys. The more I keep talking about divorce, the more accustomed I become to it. She taught me some meditation methods to help me calm down. I was wound tight when I got to her office.
The AW was sober and clear when I got home tonight. She busied herself with the garden. I left for 30 minutes. When I returned, she was outside in her pajamas planting flowers. That isn't normal. Her nose was beat red, completely stuffed up and visibly drunk. I got closer, mentioned her nose and looked her in the face. Her reaction was shame as she looked away.
I went in the house. The boy was sleeping. I checked her stash. It has been moved and some of the boxes are on a different shelf. She's been into it again tonight.
30 minutes quick. The boy woke up so I kissed him, told him how much I loved him and asked him if I could tuck him back in. He was excited at the prospect and went right back to sleep.
I decided tonight it would be best to sleep downstairs. An odd feeling is expressing itself. I'm grossed out. Normally, I'm angry. Not so this time. I just think she's gross. Anyway, I went downstairs. She followed me down and acted like she was doing something. I simply stated that I knew she was drunk. She looked at me and simply said, yes. The conversation did not get much better but I am proud of myself. She did all the tactics. I rejected them all from blameshifting to making things up to changing the topics. In the end, she said she should have called a few people for help but she decided to drink instead. So there you have it. She's admitted to me, as if I wasn't already aware, that she choosing booze over me and her son. Thanks for strengthening my resolve. I didn't trigger. I didn't play into her business.
She used to be sneaky. Now she stills drinks on the sly but openly admitting to it. Now I can see how some of your A's actively drink in front of you. It's like she knows her ship is sinking and she's giving in to it and being okay with it. She even suggested that she hasn't had an addiction issues for 2 weeks. She was actually very proud of herself. Does she want a brownie button for that?
Mind boggling.
I need to work out the legal course now. I'll do this tomorrow. I don't have the answers tonight. My boss is aware of the situation and told me to take whatever time I needed.
I'm still pissed at myself though. Between my last post and the time I got home, my resolve was getting weak. I got home and felt like I really didn't want to do what must be done. Then this happened and even now after typing so much, I feel better. I know I feel better because I'm sharing and emptying my frustrations but something inside of me is getting weak again. Gah! That is maddening to the extreme.
I won't push for a fight tomorrow morning but I think I'll ask her where she's at. I already know the answer but just hearing her BS will boost my strength again.
I've been making threats for so long and in so many different ways, hoping she'd hear me. We all do this. We read about it daily. For any new people here, in the end, it really doesn't matter what you say. They don't care about you or your kid, their kid, nothing. What it really did was keep them from growing up. They got away with it. Again, and again and again. Surely nothing will ever happen. I hate to say this but she doesn't know what's coming.
Thanks for sticking with me.
I have never openly prayed before. Bear witness to me handing my life over to my HP.
God, I pray for the strength to do the next right thing. Let me move forward towards normalcy and peace. Please don't let me be seduced into false hopes. Help me take action to protect me and my son.