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HP at work?

Old 05-04-2011, 06:00 AM
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HP at work?

This is really long... sorry. Don't feel the need to read. I just felt the need/desire to share...

I'm having this odd ish kind of experience in the past week of having a lot of things "unfold" I guess... and at other times in my life I might have lost it, been a mess, then gone into denial mode and done the same old same old...

I still feel all sorts of a mess inside but I am facing the "stuff" head on and as I do it lessens its significance and helps me let go just a bit more each day...

A few ex/
Fired my lawyer about a week ago. Got 2 separate 5 pg letters from him last week blasting me for being unethical, asking him to do things that went against the code of conduct for a lawyer, telling me I, not my AH ought to have been arrested, told me that mine was NOT a case of dom violence bc it wasn't as if AH had punched me in the face... The accusations of misconduct projected on me are all things he did, suggested I do/say in court etc... I have no way to prove that though. My first instinct was to defend, reply, argue, show how he was painting me in an inaccurate light. Then I stopped and thought, this is a lesson. This is the same insanity I lived with with AH and what good did defending myself EVER do with him? I haven't responded, but I get urges to and when I do I remind myself that in replying I am giving him (lawyer) space in my head that takes away from my peace. I asked myself what was going to bring me peace-- replying and getting into a circular debate with someone who has serious problems or letting it go and letting him believe what he believes and knowing what's true myself and being at peace with it. I am still upset with his letters but I threw them away and am not replying to him and I feel good about that. For me, that's huge!

Then as I shared I found a letter from AH from 5 yrs ago that made me realize I have put up with, accepted and subjected my D's to his behavior for years. It blew my story that this has been bad for only the past yr out of the water and made me realize that I've been in denial with out consciously intending to be. I'd blocked SO much from memory and since finding that letter, talking about it with my therapist and on here, I've been flooded with memories of a LOT of insanity over the years with AH that I'd buried so deep I didn't even realize they were there. It HURTS a lot to have these memories swirling around in my head but I am letting them be there, am acknowledging how much they hurt and had an amazing therapy session yesterday where I broke down and stopped feeling I had to be "strong" even there and a LOT of the pain of those memories has lessened.

Lastly, while looking for clothing for D3 that D5 had outgrown, I found (this is where HP stuff comes into play I think bc why am I finding all these things so randomly?) a box of legal paperwork from something that happened to me in college. I started to look through it and found documents I'd never opened. I opened one of them and it was a deposition from my dad (who I lived with at the time but haven't been in touch with in years bc of a lot of sickness that I got tired of dealing with from him). In the deposition he admits to something that he has lied to me about for years. The short version is this: I was raped while in S.America studying abroad by a member of the host family I lived with. I called him and the study abroad coord from the hospital (I was beat up pretty bad as well) and said I needed to leave and come home. My father told me for years so sincerely that the delay (I had to stay for another 3 weeks) was bc of the study abroad coord making it difficult... It never made sense but I bought it. So, the under oath deposition from my father, that for some reason I never read, says that he was the one who told the study abroad coord to delay my return bc he'd just moved in with a new girlfriend and they needed time alone and he deserved that. I've been feeling guilty for being NC with my father for about a year now and I read this deposition and felt sick. Not only did my mother blame her abandoning my siblings and I for hours on end on me bc she "needed a break", but at a time of great need, my father did the same thing.

It hurt so much to read this, to connect the dots, to accept once and for all that my parents both were/are so ill with their own issues that they not only couldn't be there for my siblings and I but that they went out of their way to hurt us.

I realized that I married someone exactly like my parents. Someone unable to be there for me and someone who I have tried in vain to "make" want to be there for me and when he hasn't, I've blamed myself.

I blamed myself as a kid for my mom disappearing, I blamed myself in college for being raped and not wanting to stay in a foreign country afterwards and blamed myself for the palpable resentment I felt from my father when I returned, I blamed myself for my AHs treatment of me, I blamed myself for asking him to help with D3 when she was a newborn and he screamed at her as a 3 day old, I've blamed myself my whole life and I'm finally seeing "the light" I guess and it hurts like hell but it's also so freaking liberating to finally "get it" that it has NEVER been about me. On some level I guess I believed this at times in the past, but then I'd say, "well how could EVERYONE else be the problem-- that makes no sense.. the common denominator MUST be me". It made more sense. It was easier to believe.

But after the "discoveries" I've made this week- I just can't lie to myself or blame myself anymore and I'm almost afraid to admit how good I feel about being able to say that!

This is more or less how I'm feeling-- a combination of awe and shock and feeling like I am seeing things as they are for the first time EVER.
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Old 05-04-2011, 07:28 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
But after the "discoveries" I've made this week- I just can't lie to myself or blame myself anymore and I'm almost afraid to admit how good I feel about being able to say that!
Oh WTBH, I'm sorry these realizations have been so painful, but...don't be afraid to feel good! You DESERVE it, especially after the hell you've been through. Make it your daily mantra: I DESERVE to be happy!

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Old 05-04-2011, 07:32 AM
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I told my T yesterday that I felt overwhelmed with all that was flooding me right now, BUT I was also welcoming it bc as awful as it feels to remember and find out more and more, I know that once I deal with it I can put it aside and it's one more step to health and happiness.

I know and believe I deserve to be happy and it feels good to really, truly believe it...
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Old 05-04-2011, 08:01 AM
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In the beginning of the end with my X I took a day to walk/hike up in the Blue Ridge Mts. for an afternoon. I remember that day. The mts. make me feel closer to HP. It was kind of a day to get present, let go of the past, accept things, be sad, and LET GO. I have no doubt in those days I was suffering from PTSD and depressed from sad my marriage was ending, angry X would not get sober, worried about $ since X was not honest, etc....I see now I had to go through it to get through it. Now 4 yrs. post divorce it is all good. I look back at who I was in those days and it was a hard time. I was a little nuts. Now I share my experience, strength, and hope with people in Alanon. I had alot of anger from growing up in addiction with my angry, alcoholic Dad . The 12 steps, HP and wonderful friends on SR and in the rooms and recovery literature and time got me through it.
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Old 05-04-2011, 09:03 AM
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I spent time right after college in the Blue Ridge Mtn's-- What a beautiful spot... Thanks for the post- it reminds me of a wonderful time....

Originally Posted by Carol Star View Post
In the beginning of the end with my X I took a day to walk/hike up in the Blue Ridge Mts. for an afternoon. I remember that day. The mts. make me feel closer to HP. It was kind of a day to get present, let go of the past, accept things, be sad, and LET GO. I have no doubt in those days I was suffering from PTSD and depressed from sad my marriage was ending, angry X would not get sober, worried about $ since X was not honest, etc....I see now I had to go through it to get through it. Now 4 yrs. post divorce it is all good. I look back at who I was in those days and it was a hard time. I was a little nuts. Now I share my experience, strength, and hope with people in Alanon. I had alot of anger from growing up in addiction with my angry, alcoholic Dad . The 12 steps, HP and wonderful friends on SR and in the rooms and recovery literature and time got me through it.
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Old 05-04-2011, 10:25 AM
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Gosh, WTBH, your father sounds like as much of a jerk as my father was.

Both my parents abandoned me, so I get where you're coming from.

Best wishes to you--you are doing the best things for you and those kids.
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Old 05-04-2011, 10:31 AM
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(((WTBH)))) - sorry for all that you are coming to realize, but I truly believe HP has a way of "opening our eyes" when we are "ready" to deal with it, and not one moment before.

It sounds like you have a good therapist to work through this stuff with, and that is great. You were let down by the very people who are supposed to take care to you, so it's all you knew.

Now you are seeing it, and you want better for yourself and your kids. You DESERVE better, and though I am sure this hurts like he!!, sounds to me like you are moving forward to a much better life.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-04-2011, 11:03 AM
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Originally Posted by kudzujean View Post
Gosh, WTBH, your father sounds like as much of a jerk as my father was.
Sorry you had one too!

Thing is- I held my dad up in my mind as a kid, as a young adult, even AFTER what he pulled when I was in Ecuador, as a great Dad. Compared to my mom he was "there for me". But in reality I lied to myself more about him than I did my mom. At least she was overtly abusive and terrible. My Dad, when he was around, said the right words, acted like a caring parent but really was NEVER around and when it came to stepping in when abuse occured and he knew of it, it never happened.

I think so, to stay sane, I created this fairy tale of how loving he was to me bc he was the better of two evils and I think I might have gone crazy if I'd acknowledged to myself that neither parent was there in any way for any of us...

So, some of what I am waking up to is the fact that my father, who I believed was a saint for so long, in actuality NEVER was.

I gave him the same credit I've given my AH. Be awful 100 times and then nice 1 time and I'd cling to that 1 time of goodness and bury the 100.

It's shocking to recognize that the things I have done with my AH I've been doing all my life.

But it's freeing too-- bc it's letting me see/believe that it wasn't about me not being worthy of being treated well by the people who were to love me and who I wanted to love me, but about those people being unable to love anyone- and that it was never about me at all...
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Old 05-04-2011, 01:36 PM
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...I'm finally seeing "the light" I guess and it hurts like hell but it's also so freaking liberating to finally "get it" that it has NEVER been about me.
I'll never forget the day I walked into my therapist's office and practically shouted "OMG I just realized nothing is personal!" It took my daughter's addiction to finally realize that. Nothing anyone says or does, good or bad, is personal unless we choose to make or take it that way.

He told me to read a short book called The Four Agreements. The title refers to four agreements we can make with ourselves, for a happier and healthier life. He said I 'got' #2.

Please get this book, it's a short and easy read. If you were local to me I'd give you mine. I've handed out several copies of this book.

On some level I guess I believed this at times in the past, but then I'd say, "well how could EVERYONE else be the problem-- that makes no sense.. the common denominator MUST be me".
I'm the common denominator in all my relationships, dysfunctional or not, simply because I'm a part of them. That is not a judgment or an assignment of blame, it's a truth. It's what I do and how I interact/respond to them that matters
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Old 05-04-2011, 02:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
I'll never forget the day I walked into my therapist's office and practically shouted "OMG I just realized nothing is personal!
I had exactly the same Ah-ha moment when I read on this forum "He's not doing it TO YOU, he's just doing it."

L
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Old 05-04-2011, 04:25 PM
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Chino- Thanks for the book suggestion! So far I'm finding that I'm having, simultaneously, pain from facing painful things I didn't even know were there and this weird sense of feeling better about MYSELF than I have in years. I feel like I'm about 10 yrs old and thinking "gee, I kind of like me and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks" (almost doesn't matter-- but I'm closer than I ever thought I would be).

I think honestly, I believed on some level that I did cause and could stop if I tried hard enough, all the crappy stuff that others choose to do. I took it all personally-- and while as an adult I ought to have known better-- this was how I was "taught" to see life from a young age so it made it tough... My belief system I think, really has been, "it's all about me" (and not in a good way!). Any anger, any nastiness, anything negative I've felt was because of me and that it was my job to make it better. I guess that would explain why I'd stay in a relationship with an A for so long even though I knew it was toxic long before I could admit it...
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Old 05-04-2011, 09:48 PM
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may I suggest that once everything is settled in court, you talk to the state bar about your previous lawyer? The guy sounds seriously "off".
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Old 05-04-2011, 10:00 PM
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Originally Posted by pixilation View Post
may I suggest that once everything is settled in court, you talk to the state bar about your previous lawyer? The guy sounds seriously "off".
I second that sentiment.

WTBH...you are making such strides. Because, as was said above by Impurrfect, you are NOW ready to deal with the truth. You've been repeatedly traumatized as both a child and an adult. Just because you were an adult doesn't mean you "should have known better." You only know what you know...and coming from such a dysfunctional upbringing, how could you possibly know "normal" or "healthy"? HP is with you every step of the way and these last few weeks of revelation prove it. Keep moving forward, you are doing GREAT!!!
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Old 05-04-2011, 10:02 PM
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I am one to truly believe that when we are ready and ONLY when we are ready, that events/things/people that could not be properly understood, valued, cherished or used to grow as a person prior to that are finally presented to us.

It's sort of like the universe not allowing us to participate in a race until we complete our training.

Your story illustrates that so beautifully. Thank you so much for sharing!
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Old 05-05-2011, 05:59 AM
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Originally Posted by pixilation View Post
may I suggest that once everything is settled in court, you talk to the state bar about your previous lawyer? The guy sounds seriously "off".
I'm having a dillema about this.

Here it is:
1) I don't think that he has any right to treat me or anyone else that way. It's appalling.

2) It's my word against his which makes me think (particularly since he's mounted a pre-emptive letter writing defense campaign telling me I am the one who asked him to behave unethically) that it's going to be a battle of "you said this", "no I didn't" and I really don't want to deal with that

3) I am feeling selfish in the sense that I chose not to respond, I have my retainer back, I don't have to deal with him anymore and I don't want to get unsettled by opening that door again...

4) I feel though that I have an obligation- out of morality- to say something to the Bar (I already found out the process I need to follow and it's in depth) so that he doesn't think he can treat others this way.... I just would rather not bc if the Bar chooses to investigate it then there's the equivalent of a "trial" where I give my version, he defends himself and can question me. I just can't imagine having to deal with that...

So, that's my dillema around the lawyer and the Bar issue...
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Old 05-05-2011, 07:13 AM
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I can understand that, and you do have the retainer back, so that's saying something.
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Old 05-05-2011, 07:45 AM
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Originally Posted by pixilation View Post
I can understand that, and you do have the retainer back, so that's saying something.
The socially conscious part of me is saying that I have no right to be disturbed by his behavior if I am unwilling to do something about it. If everyone turned their back and said 'well I'm done with X so it does't impact me anymore' the world would be run by whomever is the most evil, manipulative, forceful etc...

So, I feel like I have a civic duty of sorts to do something about letting others know that he's really a creep and something is very wrong-- but selfishly wish someone else would do it for me!

I have 2 yrs of a window to file something so I don't need to do anything right now I guess...

The right thing to do though would be to address the issue with the Bar and deal with whatever reaction that brings.
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