Chino- Thanks for the book suggestion! So far I'm finding that I'm having, simultaneously, pain from facing painful things I didn't even know were there and this weird sense of feeling better about MYSELF than I have in years. I feel like I'm about 10 yrs old and thinking "gee, I kind of like me and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks" (almost doesn't matter-- but I'm closer than I ever thought I would be).
I think honestly, I believed on some level that I did cause and could stop if I tried hard enough, all the crappy stuff that others choose to do. I took it all personally-- and while as an adult I ought to have known better-- this was how I was "taught" to see life from a young age so it made it tough... My belief system I think, really has been, "it's all about me" (and not in a good way!). Any anger, any nastiness, anything negative I've felt was because of me and that it was my job to make it better. I guess that would explain why I'd stay in a relationship with an A for so long even though I knew it was toxic long before I could admit it...