concernednurse

Well, that damn thing that happens when we do "work" on ourselves happened. I have realized that I have really no other option left in my relationship but to give myself some space. Space for me, space for ABF. He's not expecting it... its gonna hurt. it's been hurting me all day I went to AA this morning to meet up with my sponsor but she wasn't there. So then I went to Alanon... nothing really helped... just kinda confirmed that I know what i have to do. But, I still know that I love him, and the faster I get out of his way, maybe he will hit his bottom. If not, my staying will only prolong the inevitable anyways. I'm in so much pain, this really sucks. Please say some prayers for both of us.

Fandy

I'm very sorry for your sadness...i went back through some of your posts and our interactions to be sure you were who I thought (similar names of people idnot want to confuse you with someone else).

take your space and relax. you might not care if he hits his bottom....or be around. there is so much out there for you....you want to be healthy and have a happy normal relationship not be so dragged down by his "stuff"....ultimately, because you are in a deep relationship, his problems can transfer on to you...and might you worry more about his well-being than he does?

idk if any of this makes sense to you, but i hope you get a little down time for yourself and a chance to relax with your thoughts...a few days of rest and not being involved with him might be rejuvinating.

feel better.

concernednurse

Thanks Fandy, Im really thinking the relationship needs to be over (at least for now). But the only decision i can make today is that i need to be somewhere else for a while. I don't know about the other stuff, its too much for me to handle at this moment.

Babyblue

I also went back to read your story. For some reason I lost track and thought he was in recovery but I guess he is still struggling. Very hard for you, my heart goes out to you. You only have to focus on today and what you need to do. Getting away will give you more clarity and peace. Making only one decision at a time is probably a good way to do this anyhow.

I'm in complete agreement with Fandy, their problems become our problems. But when we have problems, they dont have the capacity to be there for us. When my BF relapsed, my job began to suffer, I lost weight, etc etc because I was trying to be 'there' for him. That is why they call codependence an illness because it does start to break you down literally.

We give so much of ourselves out of love but being loving to yourself is what we need to do first.

concernednurse

Ya, the truth is that we fundamentally disagree on his drinking. I think he has a drinking problem. He does not. Its like one partner wanting a child that the other doesn't. There is no way to compromise. This whole time, he's been trying to figure out a way that we can have the relationship and he can have his drinking, and ive been trying to find a way that we can have the relationship and not have the drinking. We both want the relationship, but we both want our individual happiness which in this case, is incompatible. There's really no need to continue the relationship. And yes, I would love to see him get into recovery, and if he did and worked it hard for a while, I would consider another chance at a relationship. But as long as he is in denial, I am wasting my time trying to convince, and I am getting emotionally UNhealthier the longer I wait to end it. So- it just is what it is. I need time to myself to work on my recovery and I'm going to take that time for myself. Hey- I feel a lot better saying that now that im kinda reaffirming that I'm doing it for me... but ya, its still not easy letting go of someone I care so much about.

concernednurse

Just to clarify, I am not an alcoholic. I met my sponsor in Alanon but she is a double winner and I go to AA for the education and the fun people in recovery! I want what they have!!

Babyblue

Letting go is very hard.

Doesn't mean you are letting go of the love though. You just need a healthier way to be. So does he but sadly he doesn't see it that way.

Maybe in time. Who knows. Just take it slowly and allow yourself time to feel sad.

Fandy

you may not want to have to "compromise"...and you should not put what YOU want on hold just to please his wants....

when you feel you can process it, you might want to imagine what it feels like to meet someone out there who would have NO nasty trailing baggage and would put YOU first....someone you wouldn't have to drive around, someone without ANY DUIs...someone who has just 1-2 glasses of wine with dinner when HE cooks.

I know it sounds like I am describing an alien (for me too)...but i think this tribe of normal people exist somewhere...we just have to locate them.

take care of you andbe kind to yourself...find something to keep you busy and feel good the next few days if possible. You really deserve to not have this extra stress of his alcoholism.

Babyblue

Tribe of Normal People
LOL

Exactly! We are sort of like anthropolgists searching for this group and trying to understand their mysterious ways. Speak their language, learn their customs.

Legend has it they have cars and can hold jobs too.

Fandy

and smell good! the males also do laundry, pick up dirty clothing off the floor and clean the cat box...i have heard that some males also will pay the cell phone bill without asking! (i am describing my BFF's boyfriend who must be a tribal chieftain, he cooks too).

Babyblue

And tend to their offspring. I've spotted some in parks and stores with their young. Fascinating to watch.

Tuffgirl

LOL! :rotfxko

Tuffgirl

CN, every day is does get a little less painful. And you don;t have to stop loving someone to give them space and seek your own.

Hugs and prayers...
~T

barb dwyer

*prayers* and a

Jeep08

Cat box thats asking a lot. I hate cleaning the cat box. other stuff sure no problem but I hate that dam cat box. Had to clean it today Crap.

Ponder

Sending you good vibes and prayers in this hard time.

LaPinturaBella

I used to have a hard time really wrapping my head around this...but it's very true.

“If you love something set it free if it returns its yours forever, if not it was never meant to be.”

Seems apropos. Take good care of you and here's a hug to help ease your pain.

MissChievous

These posts kind of threw me.

My AH DOES do the laundry, picks up dirty clothing off the floor and cleans the cat box. He holds down a full-time job. He is outside now cleaning the cars. He DOESN'T cook, but I enjoy cooking, and we made an agreement long ago that if he cleans the bathrooms I will gladly cook (had three sons, so always had a house full of males, which made that a tremendously good deal).

So maybe I don't have it so bad.

Even though he drinks excessively (and daily) and is nasty when he is drinking.

So I guess he's a functioning alcoholic. But the key that I need to remember is that it is progressive and will get worse (as it has over the last few years).

And despite the fact that he does do all these chores does not make it any easier, or less painful. I would gladly do it ALL if he would just stop drinking.

concernednurse

I 100% agree. My ABF does all these things too (including the cat box), and it certainly doesn't make it any less painful. Thank you for this.

Grnmtn1

Concerned Nurse- I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I'm sure it must be overwhelming and a bit scary. It sounds as if you are hitting your rock bottom and I hope you will find some peace soon and that your ABF realizes what is happening and takes control of his actions.

Oh MissC, I hear your pain. We took an A friend in and he was hugely helpful around the house; he cooked, cleaned, painted the house, did laundry, baked cookies for our son, all to pay his rent because he didn't have any money and couldn't get a job. It was wonderful BUT his drinking and antics took away all the good things, and then some. It was scary to come home sometimes and I never knew what we'd be walking in to. I took a Marriage class in college (for Psyc) and the professor explainded to us that One bad/negative thing takes away 7 good things. Well, when you live with an alcoholic if feels like it's magnified x 3. I hear your pain and I felt the same way.