The time has come... I'm sad :(

Old 05-01-2011, 02:05 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by concernednurse View Post
I 100% agree. My ABF does all these things too (including the cat box), and it certainly doesn't make it any less painful. Thank you for this.
My RABF is a wonderful, caring and kind man who is actually ran restaurants (can he cook!), is from a great home and is very well educated, family man.... but got to the point of homelessness.. street living, bench snoozing kind.

It isn't that big of a leap to go from what someone is now to what they may become. The term 'functioning' can be quite misleading. It takes a few bad choices in behavior (due to drinking) to start the domino effect in a fairly short amount of time.

Whether you are there or not won't really determine if he hits a bottom. It may just delay the inevitable if he is on the course he is on now.

You are wise to not let it run you over so as sad as it is to miss him and leave, the disease in his life is the sadder part and turns great possibilities into 'what might have beens'.
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Old 05-01-2011, 05:39 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Dear ConcernedNurse - I could have written your post. I am just a few weeks ahead of you on the curve. After five years, I said that my needs weren't being met in the relationship. It did hurt. It still does. But I needed to get out of his way - for the both of us.

My ex sounds exactly like yours - wants me and the drinking. He could be a wonderful partner but the alcohol can take them down fast. Don't have much else to add, other than I feel your pain. Completely.

Hugs to you.
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Old 05-01-2011, 07:18 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Ya, the truth is that we fundamentally disagree on his drinking. I think he has a drinking problem. He does not. Its like one partner wanting a child that the other doesn't. There is no way to compromise. This whole time, he's been trying to figure out a way that we can have the relationship and he can have his drinking, and ive been trying to find a way that we can have the relationship and not have the drinking. We both want the relationship, but we both want our individual happiness which in this case, is incompatible. There's really no need to continue the relationship. And yes, I would love to see him get into recovery, and if he did and worked it hard for a while, I would consider another chance at a relationship. But as long as he is in denial, I am wasting my time trying to convince, and I am getting emotionally UNhealthier the longer I wait to end it. So- it just is what it is. I need time to myself to work on my recovery and I'm going to take that time for myself. Hey- I feel a lot better saying that now that im kinda reaffirming that I'm doing it for me... but ya, its still not easy letting go of someone I care so much about.

This SO expressed it for me!
I think mine has a drinking problem...and a lying problem...and a depression problem.
But he doesn't think so for any of that.
That's my problem if I want him to.
He gets to believe what he wants.

We can do this, CN. We can get what anvil said!

yeah, but we didn't sign up for a cat box cleaner, we signed up for a full mature participant in a relationship. a living breathing space between two people, where growth is a natural outcome, where joy is created, where respect is given, mirrored and reflected back. where security, honesty and trust are intrinsic. where the other is as valued as the self...a union, not a cage match.
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Old 05-01-2011, 07:19 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Hi CN,
I recently left my ABF, much to his surprise. After waiting months and months for the promises of a "responsible, mature, healthy man" to come to fruition, I just gave up.

No wait, I didn't give up, I just redirected my faltering faith in him back into myself.

I was tired of trying to make things work, and doing all the compromising. I was tired of watching him try to get the best of both worlds, while I was struggling to figure out which one I could tolerate. I realized that it was not healthy for me, just as you have, and decided to put myself first for once. Good for you.

It is hard, and hurts alot. Many of us feel your pain. But deep down I know it is time to put my faith in me, and discover my ability to make myself happy. Only then will I be healthy enough to share my life with someone else.

hugs to you!
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Old 05-01-2011, 07:24 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Thank you all for the support everone, it is so much needed. We talked about Tradition 5 in Alanon tonight, a new meeting for me due to my "current" geographical location and it couldn't have been a better fit. I NEEDED the program/meeting tonight and it was there for me. I feel pretty good overall considering im going through a loss. I'm even laughing at times (when im not crying that is...) And YES FP- we CAN do this!!
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Old 05-01-2011, 07:56 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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