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How many here felt like their A talked to them like a mouthy teenager?

Old 04-07-2011, 09:33 PM
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How many here felt like their A talked to them like a mouthy teenager?

I was reading a thread on here and saw a couple of posts about how their A acted like a 10-year-old and it was a lot of work.

I felt the same way. Mine was 48 but I felt like I was the mom of a teenage boy. (and I'm much younger than him.)

How many others felt this way?

Sometimes I think about how scary the next relationship is going to be. I think I'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop and be talked to like that...or I'll be confused that I'm not raising a teenager....
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Old 04-07-2011, 09:52 PM
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Now there's something I can relate to. My therapist actually pointed out how our relationship was more like a parent/child than a wife/husband.

The thing I learned was that I was playing the parent role. I needed to learn how not to do that. It's a chicken or egg question. Did I act like a parent because he played the child role? Or did he act like a child because I took on the parent role? A bit of both I would say. I had to learn to check that impulse--except with my kids, of course.

L
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Old 04-08-2011, 01:19 AM
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I definitely feel like the mother more so than the wife in mine and AH's relationship. He will sulk sometimes, and throw temper tantrums, etc. etc. It is really hard, but all part of the disease I think.
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Old 04-08-2011, 07:14 AM
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I guess I don't see rebellious teenager behavior. My AH has become fairly mellow over the last couple of months, but I understand what you are saying. I've described my AH as a giant four-year-old to a couple of good friends.

Sometimes when he says "I love you." I hear "I love you, Mommy."
Geeze.
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Old 04-08-2011, 07:25 AM
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We were completely in a parent/teen dynamic complete with "you can't tell me what to do." and finally I decided "you're right. but I don't have to live with you."
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Old 04-08-2011, 08:52 AM
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Originally Posted by stella27 View Post
We were completely in a parent/teen dynamic complete with "you can't tell me what to do." and finally I decided "you're right. but I don't have to live with you."
YES! This was me, too! And I have two hormonally charged teenage daughters who were far more reasonable than the RAH most times. The defiance, the attitude, the anger...and he would judge my daughters male friends as "punks"...jeeze it got old.

Moving away from that allowed me to really parent the real kids and back the heck off the grown man who never learned how to put his big boy pants on and be a grown up!

But I also have to admit I found myself responding to him like an angry teenager myself sometimes. I actually told him on several occasions that I hated him. And at that moment, I did, but really? My 13 yr old says that to me. Embarrassing! Today, I am thankful for being able to better control my mouth so I can respond like the grown up that I am.
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Old 04-08-2011, 08:59 AM
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Yes, My RAH is still acting like a teenager, sober, but when he was active it was an unapologetic, full blown age regression.

He started drinking at age 14. They say that is when their development gets stunted.

Mine eased into the disease, over years, but...Even with a few adult skills to fall back on, he will pull out the adolescent ones, because they work better for him sometimes.

This is pretty common. Like alcoholism 101.

No fun. I always used to say, "I would not have to police you if you had the ability to censor your own actions, and police yourself. "

like a teen.
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Old 04-08-2011, 09:00 AM
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Add me to the list. The marriage counselor we saw 6 years ago told me - "Stop acting like his mother. He has one and it's not you."

I'm with LTD - it's the whole chicken/egg conundrum. Would I be this way with somebody else? Honestly, looking back on a relationship I had with my non-A fiance - the answer is no. We had a healthy relationship with great boundaries, we were just at two different points in life (he wanted settled down get married and have kids and I wanted to live out my version of Jack Kerouac's On the Road!)

But, I sometimes wonder if I picked AH because I subconsciously wanted somebody I could "work on", to control and mold into what I thought he should be. I don't know the answer, but I know that's the top of my list of things I want to look into and work on... just as soon as I extricate myself from this marriage.
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Old 04-08-2011, 09:07 AM
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Mine acts like a self involved, pleasure seeking teenager too-- with or without alcohol.

Another thing he does is tell me "don't tell me what to do" and then when I don't tell him what to do when he comes to me wanting me to make a decision for him I get told that I am "passive aggressive and controlling".

The conundrum of don't tell me what to do when I am doing something harmful, don't tell me no when I want something I can't have but DO tell me what to do when I want to avoid having to make a decision for myself (so I can blame you when I am unhappy about that decision later) is just mind boggling.

I refuse to make decisions for my AH that he needs to make for himself and BOY is he resentful and trying to convince me and anyone who will listen just how awful I am bc of that. And to me it is laughable bc all he's done for years is cry to his family and friends about how controlling I am.

It's like a kid who says I want to be on my own or tells their parent to leave them alone but wants the security of knowing the parent will still be there no matter what. Normal for a kid to do/feel this. NOT normal for a grown adult. Unless of course you are an alcoholic who thinks that different rules apply to you than the rest of the world.
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Old 04-08-2011, 09:11 AM
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I have often called my AH my 4th child! He can act worse than any of our kids with his rants (Quacking). He spews self centeredness and talks in absolutes ( "you always" or "you never"). Classic was just a few days ago when I wanted to make sure money he was switching from one bank to the other actually got there and I had access too it. He was ticked, rolling his eyes, pouting, how could I really think there could be an issue (hummm maybe it is because you lie to me and I don't trust you right now). When he got home he shoved the check in my face. He then proceeded to go on and on about how I only want him for his paycheck etc. (which really set off a nerve in me because 12 years ago when we were struggling with infertility he told me I was only using him for his sperm...which was really laughable since his sperm was THE issue.... why because he was DRINKING TOO MUCH and LIED about it to everyone). Trying to get him to argue rationally is like watching a dog chase their tail. He is far worse than our teenage son.
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Old 04-08-2011, 10:19 AM
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We certainly had the parent/child role going. Like others have said, it is hard to say which came first. My xah didn't talk to me like a mouthy teenager or anything like that. He just wanted to be taken care of and not have responsibility...and I was right there, doing everything and then some. Ugh. I shudder to think of it now.

It is deadly to a relationship and I can see now how damaging it was to us both individually as well.
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Old 04-08-2011, 11:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Alone22 View Post
I have often called my AH my 4th child! He can act worse than any of our kids with his rants (Quacking). He spews self centeredness and talks in absolutes ( "you always" or "you never"). Classic was just a few days ago when I wanted to make sure money he was switching from one bank to the other actually got there and I had access too it. He was ticked, rolling his eyes, pouting, how could I really think there could be an issue (hummm maybe it is because you lie to me and I don't trust you right now). When he got home he shoved the check in my face. He then proceeded to go on and on about how I only want him for his paycheck etc. (which really set off a nerve in me because 12 years ago when we were struggling with infertility he told me I was only using him for his sperm...which was really laughable since his sperm was THE issue.... why because he was DRINKING TOO MUCH and LIED about it to everyone). Trying to get him to argue rationally is like watching a dog chase their tail. He is far worse than our teenage son.
I often call my RAH my 5th child! He says I only want him for his paycheck, and at this point, maybe he is right! My 4 children are by far easier to deal with than him, even my adolescent daughter.
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Old 04-08-2011, 01:06 PM
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I can totally relate. I told several people, xSIL included, that I felt like I was mom to a surly teenager who expected to be treated the same as our toddler. Do this for me, do that for me, I demand this, F- this, you're a b-, I'm buying this game whether you have the money for it or not (XAH didn't)... But you do THIS for DS, you baby him (he was a baby!) why not me too? If DS was sick, XAH even sicker...

I am so glad that I'm not dealing with him on a day-to-day basis any more. I know when DS gets older, I'll be dealing with teenage hormones and angst again, but, I hope to HP that I'm raising DS better so that when he hits his teen years I'm not dealing with quite the same level of rude, surly, entitled attitude.
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Old 04-08-2011, 01:15 PM
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Here is an example of my XAH's immature ranting. This is an actual email that he sent me over a year ago. I keep it to remind myself of why I left. And, Keep in mind when you read this that I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE ONLY BREADWINNER!

"crap dude..and you know it. I was calling you with really cool news about closings and the fact that I did a really thourough shop and you just have a way of shitting all over me.
"maybe you can nutt punch someone with your new account on Match.com
furthermore you can take my change from the library and shove it up your ass. Id rather starve and go chewless...while YOU recklessly spend than put up with this nick-nack ********."

Gets my blood boiling all over again. As someone stated earlier, their growth stunts when they start the drinking. Mine started at 15.
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Old 04-08-2011, 05:53 PM
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I just told my MIL today that when my 7 year old is a teenager I will be ready because I feel like I have been raising a rebellious teenager (my AH) for years! Too funny that you say this.
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Old 04-08-2011, 09:34 PM
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Whenever my ex was drinking and got backed into a corner and I called him on his s**t, he would pull the old "I'm 50 years old and can do what I want" routine.

I always took the zero off of his age - brought it down to 5 years - I've dealt with actual 5 year olds that were more reasonable than he was.
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Old 04-08-2011, 10:45 PM
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XABF was not acting like a mouthy teenager.
He was an abusive passive-agressive man.

He still is.

I have learned not to minimize the actions of others. Abuse is abuse period. No more excuses, it is what it is. Or more like, it was what it was, thank God and all the Angels and SR and IRL support, that made me realize I was a willing hostage...

I do not deserve agression in any form. This was such a huge lesson! still is.
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Old 04-08-2011, 11:30 PM
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I bet most of us can relate.

I, too, was trying to be a lover, and have a romantic, adult relationship with someone who simply was not capable.

Squeezing blood out of a turnip never, ever works.

Learning to accept people as they are, instead of how we wish they were, is one of the hard, hard lessons in our world.
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