Add me to the list. The marriage counselor we saw 6 years ago told me - "Stop acting like his mother. He has one and it's not you."
I'm with LTD - it's the whole chicken/egg conundrum. Would I be this way with somebody else? Honestly, looking back on a relationship I had with my non-A fiance - the answer is no. We had a healthy relationship with great boundaries, we were just at two different points in life (he wanted settled down get married and have kids and I wanted to live out my version of Jack Kerouac's On the Road!)
But, I sometimes wonder if I picked AH because I subconsciously wanted somebody I could "work on", to control and mold into what I thought he should be. I don't know the answer, but I know that's the top of my list of things I want to look into and work on... just as soon as I extricate myself from this marriage.