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question to any folk that identify with the codependant stuff

Old 03-25-2011, 05:57 AM
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question to any folk that identify with the codependant stuff

how do you self identify are we becoming 'recovering codependants' from ignorant ones. also how do you gauge recovering from codependency.

do you day count. imo seems like codependency is not a substance dependency parse but a series of maladaptions to a disturbed person or persons that is or was in our lives.

so how do we know we are getting better from it [being oh so codie] especially when we think we are and then life comes out and flattens us

om kevin
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Old 03-25-2011, 06:15 AM
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You can't really day count for codependency...

It's not like quitting an addiction (where you can count days), or starting an exercise program (where you can physically track your weight loss, or how often you have gone)...

It's more of whether or not you take care of yourself, or stand up for yourself in unhealthy situations, and how you feel about it when you're doing it.
It's a change in your whole personality, which means it's harder, but oh so rewarding when you're working on it.

How well a person is "recovering" from co-dependency is, essentially, another measure of their mental health and well-being. It's hard to measure.
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Old 03-25-2011, 06:16 AM
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well starcat are you recovering from codie stuff if so how do you gauge your recov

kevo
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Old 03-25-2011, 07:10 AM
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When XABF appeared at work unexpectedly and unwelcome, and started talking about how the relationship problems were all my fault and I hurt him so much, I didn't get sucked in.
When my mother tried to invite herself to visit my apartment last month I was able to say no (although it took some time and I had to talk to some people to calm me down).
When I tried to open up to my parents and ran into the same problems I have always have, I stopped and changed the topic rather than try to force them to see things from my side.
I talked to someone's manager at work about their repeated cryptic emails and then angry demands when I did not answer them, rather than suffer through silently, or blame myself for not understanding what she was talking about. (She didn't even know what she wanted me to do.)

I still seek approval from others, even though I know I don't need it.
I am still second guessing myself about how other people will react to things I do or say.
I am still "too nice" - nice is good, but not at the expense of myself.
I am still quick to defend myself even when I know I'm wrong, rather than backing out gracefully, because I'm still too trained that being wrong is bad.


Progress, not perfection.
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Old 03-25-2011, 09:09 AM
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I think this is about self inventory.
Everyday, look at where you place your priorities. WHo is taking up the most of your mental real estate?
And start taking it back, a little everyday, and pat yourself on the back, and learn to love taking care of YOU.

Its hard.

Also, Its important to remember that its about progress not perfection.

It is similar to alcohol recovery, I guess, but, not quantified by days clear of putting someone elses in place of your self presence.More by feeling out where your attention is, and if you are living for yourself, in the moment, instead of drifting over to what "they " are up to...whether "they" are doing the right or wrong thing...

Just keep pulling your eyes back to your own homework, it becomes a habit.

I am not an expert at it, BTW, but, a work in progress, LOL...

Keep posting!
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Old 03-25-2011, 11:42 AM
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I can gage my recovery from codependency by my thinking and reactions today compared to yesteryear.

Codependency much like addiction can be a disease of “thought” obsessive thoughts that I no longer have today.

MY happiness NO longer depends on someone else’s behavior or attitude.

My journey to recovery from codependency has taken me a while because I learn something new each and every day on how to better approach life which brings me peach and happiness……….it’s all on my shoulders now not someone else.
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Old 03-25-2011, 12:07 PM
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I've seen people 'count days' when they go n/c with a specific person.

I think if there's anything IMPORTANT to count
it's the steps
and that's in any program of recovery.

codependency is so insidious though
it's tough to keep a tally from the last time someone cut you off in traffic
to the last time anyone touched us ininvited
we stopped them and called them on the behavior.

it's just so many aspects
and occurs in so many ways
it'd be touch to keep a list.

some days are better than others.

maybe gage gauge gague (check) it
by how much anxiety we're feeling today.
how sad we are today

where's the focus today
on them?
or from the inside...looking out?

there's a guy in meetings "someplace I know of"
who identifies himself as
"alcoholic codependent addict gambler"

which I think
is a bit ... verbose.

it's a personality long before it's a substance or a behavior.
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Old 03-25-2011, 01:33 PM
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You don't...

...recovery is recovery and it's one day at a time. The last thing I want to do is measure my recovery. My goal is today, and today only. If i'm feeling serene at the end of the day it was a good day. If not, not. Progress is the goal for me, not perfection.

It's like the Supreme Court's definition of porn. I know it when I see it.

There is no way in hell I'm going to spend on moment measuring my recovery. My energy goes into practicing the 12-Step principles in all my affairs. Sometimes I'm more successful than others, and that's the way it goes.

It is, in my opinion, a big problem when people are trying to gauge their recovery. That's not what recovery is about IMHO. It's the antithesis of "Let go and let God."

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by kevinlednylon View Post
well starcat are you recovering from codie stuff if so how do you gauge your recov

kevo
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Old 03-25-2011, 06:51 PM
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The challenge of recovery

I did not know what codependency was or that I was one until I came here and then went to alanon. So I guess I did go from ignorant to recovery.

How do I know I am recovering?

When I left my husband, I truly believed I was losing my mind. I was insane. I was so angry, I lashed out at everyone. I can't even begin to describe the misery and agony I felt daily with no reprieve.

So the first way, I knew I was recovering was I began to feel less of the above. The more knowledge I gained, the more I was able to see outside my box.

I became sane. I became less angry. The squirrel cages/anxiety slowed dramatically, to a point where it comes days apart and I catch it and change it.

The challenge of recovery is: when life flattens you, you handle it differently. You pick yourself up faster, you talk to yourself differently, you resolve issues differently.

I lose sight sometimes and fall back into old habits. I have to go to alanon meetings to stay in touch with how to stay away from the old habits.

My changes took months and I devoured every piece of information that even remotely possibly offered insight or hope.

I did the things I thought were dumb, or a waste of time. I had nothing to lose. I tried different paths.

Hope this helps some!!
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Old 03-25-2011, 07:12 PM
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Sometimes I notice my recovery by ...

Realizing the absence of obsessive thoughts. I'll be at a party, a mall, or a restaurant and I notice that I'm simply enjoying myself and not worrying about what people think, what I'm wearing, what I'm saying, etc.

When my sister tells me about her latest problems and I just LISTEN! I don't offer advice or try to solve her problems.

When I say "no" to something and I don't feel like I have to justify why I can't help out.

I also sleep more soundly. I no longer find myself staying up all night worrying about people and things I have no control over.

In my mind I do have a recovery date though. It the night that I attended my first ACA meeting - November 2007.

Thanks for letting me share.

db
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Old 03-26-2011, 01:44 AM
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I am SO a codie.
Got my yrly job review. What a joke.
Apparently I'm unflexible because I go to school full time and when I was hired almost a year ago it was under the contingency that my school would come first and I would work only 2-3 shifts a week. Currently I work the same 2 shifts every week (they are the most unwanted ones on the schedule by the way). I will not allow them to schedule me for more, but have traded or helped out coworkers by covering if I can. But that is "unflexible" and I need to "develop" more in that area. ummm okay?!

I snapped at a customer (who was incredibily rude and condescending to me; not excusing it but after a 20 min conversation that was going NO where..I lost my patience as it's not rocket science...they just wanted something for nothing and I said NO. But that got me....a "needs development" when it comes to customer service. Forget about all the other times I've gone over and beyond what other employees do...that ONE instance wiped all that out for the entire past yr. I even apologized for snapping at them w/out having to be called out on it. Yet...nope my whole yr of doing good work is gone because of it.

and I signed the damn thing.
I'm sure I didn't help them by saying though...yup I'm inflexible and don't expect that to change anytime soon.

I shouldn't have signed it. I know it doesn't really mean anything and I could care less if they find that my school schedule causes them problems. I mean, they act like I'm a moron most of the time so why would they even want me to work more than I do?
but the codie in me just threw in the towel and signed it rather than state my case on the issues they felt I need work on.

If I were not a codie I don't think I would have signed it. I would have pushed for it to be written in a more specific way that explains that there was 1 instance of me being short w/ a customer, the paper I signed made it sound like it's a daily occurance. and the flexibility part, I should have asked for it to say that I was hired based on the fact I would work a max of 2 shifts a week, and now they want me to work more than that, so while it's inconvenient for them, it really isn't a personal flaw or something that I can or want to address as a true problem area.
but again...I'm a codie and we codies don't do that. we sign it and then go home and cry because we feel we are being taken for granted, our work is unappreciated and we are held to impossible standards.
I WISH I weren't a codie...
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Old 03-26-2011, 05:43 AM
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I agree that you don't really have the same kind of spiritual awakening that a recovering alcoholic might have, but I think you can have a light bulb moment that helps direct your future actions.

I really feel the day I left for my 6-week "codie rehab" was my "spiritual awakening." I truly feel like I've stepped through a door. I am no longer willing to put up with what I used to put up with. I am no longer looking the other way with unacceptable behavior. I am no longer keeping my mouth shut when silence is only breeding consent.

And I'm making these changes despite extreme discomfort. It's just not my way. But I'm seeing what I must do in order to stay true to my values and my needs, and I'm "pretending" that person IS me, at least until the changes "take." But the difference between the old me and the new me, is that I feel like that I am willing to walk towards that internal needle towards a healthy life, despite feeling that emotional/automatic pull to go in the polar direction.

Plus, Sober Recovery sent me a birthday card today so I MUST be a "recovering codie"!
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Old 03-26-2011, 02:32 PM
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Reading this thread has been particularly helpful for me today, so thank you. I have always tended toward co-dependency in relationships, allowing my eyes to focus too long and often on someone else's homework (great phrase, thank you!)

I have been cautious in my current relationship to recognize the signs of codependency and lean away from it. However, my sober alcoholic boyfriend's cancer diagnosis 2 months ago pushed me further down the path of co-dependency than I've ever been. I abruptly cleared my schedule of some other commitments, thinking he would need me. Sick... or just someone in love and wanting to help?

It is a fine line between love and codependency. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope.
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Old 03-26-2011, 04:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Yogagal View Post
It is a fine line between love and codependency. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope.
I struggle with this too.

db
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Old 03-26-2011, 07:24 PM
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My family came up for a visit today. My parents pulled a record this time - they were a full hour and a half late. (Usually it's only an hour, which is what I planned into the schedule on my end. *Grins*)

Talking to my mother, I did not say anything about them being late, but she felt the need to bring it up.

MOM: We have all your National Geographics in the car. It's why we were late.
ME: Really? You didn't have to bring them, and make yourself late on my behalf. I could have gotten them the next time I drove home.
MOM: Well... There were actually lots of reasons we were late.

I am so proud of myself. I did not take offense to her trying to blame me for the fact my mother has no concept of timeliness, and I acted in a friendly and polite manner...
And her reaction surprised me, because usually she'd start into this whole justification of why she had to bring them, and dig herself deeper trying to prove it was my fault, if I didn't react.

Today was a good day.
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