UsedToBeAPearl

I did it...I moved out.....and feel absolutely horrible for it.

A week ago Thursday, my ABF was laid off. Later that day, I had to head out of town for a conference. We had a good convo before I left, gave him some things that he could do while I was gone as well as we hashed out some business contacts to call to see if there were openings anywhere.

That weekend, because he didn't have a cell phone (it was a company one), I told him to correspond with me via email due to me being in lectures all weekend, and I didn't recieve one although every time I spoke to him on the phone he said that he was busy emailing resume's etc.

I returned home sunday night, his birthday. Along with my luggage, I brought home a bag with birthday gifts from myself and my family and asked him if I could take him out to dinner. I knew right there and then that he had been drinking, he totally flipped out, told me how much his presents sucked and I just stayed quiet and went to the bedroom to unpack. He decided to go out because he was mad, and I ordered pizza in....he got home about 4 or 5 hours later and I was in bed...had to work the next day.

Monday, I did a search on the computer and noticed that he hadn't checked into his hotmail account at all over the weekend....so much for looking for work.

Wednesday, he called me at work, I knew that he had been drinking and had a complete breakdown at work. However, when I got home, we had a very indepth talk about how I can't do this anymore, how I can't trust him and how he can't be drinking while he's off work. I suggested that possibly we take a break, but talked through it and had a really good night. Thursday we had a really great night as well.
Friday, I got a phone call from him, and 'though' he was drinking and when I came home from work, he wasn't there. I grabbed some clothes, my cat and headed over to my parents and have been here ever since.
Saturday, I work up with a feeling of dread. I talked to him in the afternoon, knew that he was sober. He pleaded with me that he wasn't drinking on Friday afternoon and just went out to get a hair cut. I told him that I did this because I needed time to sort myself out as did he for his alcoholism. I also told him that I had to return to the house later that day to get some things.

I went over after dinner (after the dinner I vomited up because I was so stressed and nervous) and found him passed out at the kitchen table with a bottle of vodka. I packed my things (but left my rabbit and fish tanks there for now) and woke him out. He was so upset....both with us and himself for doing this again. That's all I have pictured in my head now is how upset he was. I hugged and kissed him and told him I had to go.

About an hour later I recieved a phone call from his dad saying that he's threatning to kill himself. It all turned out ok, his brother went over and spent the night and his dad has been staying with him ever since. I have talked to him briefly yesterday and I said to him that I still want to see him and there are some things at the house that I will still have to get. I am totally fine to see him, as long as he is sober, and I mean, it's not like we're officially broken up. He said he doesn't want to see me until he's better and for some reason I'm taking a bit of offence with that....and I don't know why.

I just feel so uncomfortable at my parents house, and just want to go home. I'm sleeping on a couch in a basement to boot. I feel absolutely horrible for doing this to him at such a crappy time. I feel like such a mean person, I mean the guy was crushed from losing his job and now THIS! I know that this was probably the only way that he would ever get sober, and I hope that he does it. He has officially been sober for 2 days and has attended 2 aa meetings with his dad in that time.

He dropped off some of my cat's things today at my parents and it was like a stranger dropping off junk mail. I just wanted to ask him how he was doing and tell him I love him etc. and it was like he just couldn't wait to leave.

I feel like I crushed another human being.....and in turn I am crushed as well. As crappy as my old life was, we had the greatest of times together when he was sober....and I just want to go back to that.

Sorry about the lengthy post.....

jayscott

Hang in there. You haven't crushed anyone, you're just being true to what you need. Whether or not he recovers for the long term has always been in his hands, maybe this will help remind him of that. Or not. But either way, doing what you feel in your heart is right for your health and your soul is never the wrong choice...even if it comes with a little bit of regret.

LexieCat

And how were you helping him by staying and suffering?

I'm sorry you have to go through all this, but really, how would you have HELPED him?

If he is suicidal, he should be professionally evaluated. If he's not suicidal, he's manipulative. Either way, you can't do anything for him, yourself.

He can survive unemployment. He will be better if he treats his alcoholism. Either way, it's up to him, not you.

Have you been to Al-Anon?

UsedToBeAPearl

I guess I just feel horrible for kicking a person while they're down.

I feel like it may have been better if I just would have stayed until he was more stable and taken the bad with the good.....

I don't feel like what I did was the right decision at the moment, yet I had been contemplating this for a very long time....

StarCat

There is never a "good" time to leave an alcoholic.
The "best" time is ASAP.
The right time is when you're ready.

LexieCat

You didn't kick him, you removed yourself from the situation.

He WON'T be "stable" until he quits drinking. This scenario can happen over, and over, and over again. Unless you stop the cycle.

PLEASE get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. You didn't CAUSE his problem, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. You may have done the kindest thing possible for him.

Seren

Hi Pearl!!!! I'm so sorry you are feeling down and that you have had to live through so much lately.

If I am remembering correctly, you have been living with your ABF for a few years now and the extent of his drinking came to your attention about 2 years ago? His drinking has caused him to wreck his vehicle and to affect his health? Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and your staying with him would in no way affect whether or not he decides to seek help.

We are not the only source of help and support for our addicted loved ones, and we definitely are not the best resource.

No one here can tell you whether or not you should leave your ABF. But you DO get to be happy!! Have you been happy with your front-row seat to his active addiction? Has it been peaceful for you to be running to the hospital every time his drinking lands him in another pickle. Your ABF does have the illness that is addiction, but seeking help for and taking care of that illness is his responsibility, just as taking care of my diabetes is my responsibility.

I hope sooo much that you can find some peace and joy in your life. You deserve it!!!!

Hugs and prayers, HG

tallulah

His actions, his consequences. Doing what is best for you is not selfish.. it means you'll be in a better place and therefore more able to be the person you were meant to be.

He can stop this anytime he wants. It just takes some awareness, courage and action. You are not to blame if he chooses to stay in the place he is. You are not to blame if he does nothing. The only thing you can control is you, you are your responsibilty he is his own... his side of the street, just focus on yours.

Tx

artsoul

Hi Pearl - I'm an alcoholic (or an "A" as it's know in F&F - whenever I think of being an A, all I can think of is a**hole!)

I read over here from time to time (it reminds me of how much I want/need to stay sober), and I ran across your post. I just had to respond to say that you've already done more than your share of caring for your boyfriend and he knows it.
.
I think it's good that he said this. He's probably overwhelmed with his own failures right now and feeling a lot of shame. If he has time away from your love and support, he might just realize what a mess he is and get some help.

If he does end up going to AA and staying sober, he'll need some space. The first days/weeks can be a bit overwhelming and he'll need to put all his energy into sobriety. He also needs to come to grips with his unemployment. Give him the chance to prove that he's worthy of a relationship with you.

You did the right thing...... you admitted you were human and don't have endless patience (nor should you). Most likely you helped him a great deal.

You sound like a such a caring person (maybe to a fault - I've always felt responsible for others' happiness, too!). Just wanted to give you a hug......:ghug3

blwninthewind

You are walking the walk.

This is a good thing.

As for the "it's not like we offically broke up" statement...well in my book if you pack up your stuff and flee the place you once considered your home...
well, if you don't consider yourself broken up I just don't know what to tell you.
Yes actually I do.
Get the rest of your stuff outta there and start over. Go no contact. Do what you need to in order to move on in your life. Attend Al-non. See what your part in thise relationship consisted of and how to avoid it in the future.
Remember ... You deserve more than you've been given in your former relationship.

UsedToBeAPearl

Artsoul-thank you for giving me the 'A' perspective (you're not an a@@hole!!).

Thank you for all your kind words; all that I have been thinking about lately is him and his needs and his feelings and what he's going through. I have always been a person who has felt guilt for the littlest things in life, I've always worn other peoples emotions and problems on my shoulders and I think I am just a bit scared to now have to face my OWN life and happiness.
I have been taking care of my ABF for a long time now and always worring about him, our home, and our pets.
I know that he is a great person at heart, as I have seen and that's why we have been together for so long, but his disease, the person he becomes with alcohol is such a mean, scary person and all that I have done in the last few years is put my life on hold just to get through each day of that disease.
All I want to do is go back home, that's where my heart wants to go right now, it's so much easier that way, just forget about myself and help support his recovery right now.
He has been attending AA meetings for the last 3 days, and I couldn't have been happier or more proud of him, he actually just admitted to me yesterday that he is an alcoholic.
Right now, I just don't know what to do, where to go or how to feel other than guilty. As I talked to him on the phone yesterday, he sounded so sad when he said "I don't think you're coming home"......I didn't want to hear that. I want to go home to him, I feel so bad for him right now. And I'm scared for him.....I just don't know what to do.
It's taking all my strength to just sit here at my parents home and not pack up to go back to my home.

LexieCat

I know it's hard, Pearl (hey, my mom's name was Pearl!), but his feeling sad and lost and desperate is exactly what he needs right now. I'm a sober alcoholic, too, and it wasn't until I was at the end of my rope that I was able to see what a mess my life really was and to commit to getting sober and staying that way.

Believe me, he is where he needs to be right now, and so are you. You can tell him you don't know if you will come back, that you have not decided and cannot decide until he has been sober for awhile, assuming that is the truth. If you come back too soon, it may short-circuit his internal need to face what he needs to face.

I know it's hard, but it's really for the best right now. You've already left, so let things stay the way they are for the moment.

Hugs,

SoloMio

Thanks for posting this, because I'm right with you. I left a week and a day ago, with the same thoughts: get away to clear my head, really think about how I can keep myself healthy--even if I want to be healthy to best help HIM, if you know what I mean. I also feel like this is more of a "way-station" than a break-up.

And I"m also realizing that my moods are STILL contingent, in part, on HIS moods.... for example, all last week he told me how he "needed to get me back," "would do whatever it takes," and to that end, is seeing an alcoholism counselor. He was definitely not drinking.

Meanwhile, from my rental 50 miles away, I'm feeling peaceful, good about myself, happy where I am, and involved on my mission to do what's going to be best for me, including going to Al-Anon.

I had vowed that I wouldn't talk to him after noon, because I was afraid he would have been drinking by then, so I generally call him around 11am. Yesterday I as at a business meeting and called him around 5--(why am I calling him every day, some of you are thinking? Because he has indicated he wants to change, and I feel a phone call a day to support him is not doing me any harm).

Well, he had been drinking. I was kind of bummed, I have to admit. Why? Did I really think I was going to carry out my threat of leaving and he would do a 180? Maybe that was my hope. I know it's unrealistic.

I was also bummed, because he told me a couple of days ago how difficult this is for him--that he's lonely. I started to put one foot down that hill of "Maybe I can help him better if I'm home" but it occurred to me, that I wasn't helping him when I WAS home--he was drinking all the time despite my being there. Also, he's lonely? He has his brother next door, the dog, and my son lives with him temporarily because he's between leases. I'm the one that left my "base of security" and am in a strange town with none of my own stuff except for what I carried here in one suitcase and one plastic crate.

So, in response to the phone call yesterday, I went to an Al-Anon meeting.

I feel better today, but still vulnerable to feeling just the way you do--am I "kicking the man when he's down"? No, he was down when I left, and I didn't kick him--I stepped over him on my way to a healthier life. Nothing says he can't follow.

I can't be a crutch for him. He has to get up and walk on his own. Besides, until I can step back and heal myself, he's leaning on a broken crutch, and we'll both be down for the count.

Good luck to you, and do what's best for you. Think of it as time that's rightfully yours to do what's best for everyone.

UsedToBeAPearl

Thanks for your words Solo, hearing your story and what you're going through right NOW makes me truly feel like I'm not the only one in the world going through this right now.
I feel much better today, I went and had lunch with my BF yesterday and I felt very good at seeing his progress in the past week. The house is spotless, he actually made me a meal (which was unheard of), he's been going to meetings daily (sometimes twice) and he even says he feels better than he has in a long time. The only thing that scared me was that he wants to start hangning out etc. right away. I'm very hesitant with that, as I told him. I will call him once a day, and we may even go have coffee or something this weekend, but it's hard to try to explain to him why I"m keeping my distance.
But all in all.....things are going well (so far...)

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and support. I will be trying to attend another Al-Anon meeting within the next week.

SoFloGuy

You don't deserve to be treated poorly or disrespected. Alcoholism is no excuse to treat a person as you have been treated. Heal yourself, treat yourself with respect.