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I realize no one here knows me but...

Old 02-27-2011, 08:31 PM
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I realize no one here knows me but...

I just really need someone to tell me I am strong, smart, and going to be ok. I originally posted in the substance abuse forum about my ex. But truthfully he is also an alcoholic too. I am so frustrated with his behaviour sometimes, and the constant mood swings. IT makes me want ot bash my head into a brick wall. One day he loves me, misses me...but it dosent mean I fal lfor it. And the next he is telling me to eff off, and I am a piece of S*T. It is so unpredicatable behaviour, and I try and try to think around it. But words hurt, and they can really make me sad. I stand my ground though and wont back down when he trys to belittle me. I do all the deescalation tactics, but sometimes i am so fricking tired of trying ot stay ahead of this alcohlic nightmare, that I had no part in. I am mad at him, very mad...I wish he would not drink bc he goes missing, and when he returns he is hungover and I am the jerk, the idiot, the blah blah....I know I am not. Just that when he chooses his verbal assaults they come from no where, and I always have to have my gaurd up. Why does he do this? I dont know...is this something all alchies do? My back is so tense, and my shoulders hurt all the time from dealing with this, there are days I wish he could feel what I feel. I get knots in my stomach and anxiety when I know I have to see him. I hate having to see him....I do want him to get better, but not at a cost to my health. I have been having feelings lately that he is going to get sick soon. Since Christmas I know he has had maybe 5 days sober! I know I am ranting, and if no one replies thats ok..I just needed to vent, and say something to someone out there, that I cant say to the person that should hear it. I dont sugar coat the fact I think he has a drinking problem, but I am not a jerk about it either. sigh.....
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Old 02-27-2011, 11:15 PM
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:ghug3

The best thing I did with XAH was go no contact. No emails, no phone calls nothing (I changed everything and he doesn't know my new address either). I literally went into hiding. It was a bit more complicated with me - XAH was also abusive (and it sounds like your ex is too!) so detaching etc just made him escalate his abuse. If this sounds like your ex, then please read the stickies at the top of the forum about abusive partners.

You will get through this. You can get better. Hang in there!
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Old 02-27-2011, 11:20 PM
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You are strong, smart and going to be OK.

I know that feeling:

And yes, words can hurt a great deal.

Can I ask if he is an ex why do you still have to deal with him?

This book may answer some of your questions:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...apter-one.html

I wonder if you are getting real life support? I have dealt with various forms of abuse in my life and therapy has helped me a great deal. Alanon has helped many here, too so you might want to check if there are meetings in your area? just knowing others know what you are going through is a great help.

There is much to learn and above all much experience, strength and hope for you. Welcome to SR and please keep reading/posting.
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Old 02-27-2011, 11:35 PM
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These links helped me with some questions I had, maybe you find something useful:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...99-thanks.html
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Old 02-28-2011, 07:06 AM
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You know, you don't have to take this abuse. You can choose to get off this crazy ride, cut contact with him, and move on.

From where I sit, there is nothing positive about continuing contact with him. So why do it?
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Old 02-28-2011, 09:43 AM
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You're strong, smart, and going to be OK.

Now cut off communication for a while.
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Old 02-28-2011, 12:58 PM
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He is an ex, right? Is there any reason you need to remain in contact with him? I know the more time I have between contact with XAH (which has to continue because we have a son), the stronger I feel and the more I can work on healing.

How're you doing today, Haullee34?
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Old 02-28-2011, 08:29 PM
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Please ask yourself what is it about you that makes you continue to connect with your ex? Why are you still involved with him? Ex means ex. Make it so.

Now go to Alanon to learn how to not make this mistake again.

Take care,

Cyranoak
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Old 02-28-2011, 10:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
Please ask yourself what is it about you that makes you continue to connect with your ex? Why are you still involved with him? Ex means ex. Make it so.

Now go to Alanon to learn how to not make this mistake again.

Take care,

Cyranoak
Well said, C. I think you've superseded "aspiring" and could just go with "realist" from now on...

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Old 03-10-2011, 08:17 PM
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We have a daughter together that I share custody with him. The reason he stills sees her is that unless I have flat out proof of an addiciton I have no leg to stand on courtwise, and I can actually get in big trouble for taking her from him. We actually have not talked in a week or so. He is pretyt clam right now....but its always like sitting in the eye of the tornando. We only talk through texts now, and noting personal. He has tried to engage me but I just ignore it. There are days when I am pretyt strong...whe nI wrote that I was not feelign so strong....thank you for responding. I would like ot do alanon I think. Im going to try and look at support groups in my area. I just dont understand addiction, and it is so difficult for me. Why cant someone just quit, especially when they are about to lose everything? I guess that little part of me that holds my hope still cares about him...even if I shouldnt. It is not a hope to get back together, but a hope that he figures his life out before its too late. I myself, lost my dad to alcoholism, and I have missed him every day he has been gone.
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Old 03-10-2011, 09:55 PM
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I have to keep in touch with XAH because of DS's visitation with him. I get that. By court order, contact between XAH and I is supposed to be only by email and only about DS. Somehow, XAH still manages to make that manipulative and stinky. It sucks. I've left the email address he remembers an X and his ties-only address. I get incredibly anxious every time I open it. If there is anything from him, it's rarely polite. Court order also stipulates that DS's visits are supervised. So yep, contact in some form is required. But, I do not have to listen to anything not about DS.

I get the eye of the storm feeling. Completely. The more time away, though, the clearer it's been to see the drama he and his GF creates and the easier it is to try to remember to not engage in the dance anymore.

I don't know why he didn't stop when he lost his business, his truck, his wife and son. Well, yeah, easy answer is his addiction, but the deeper meaning behind it, behind why he has this addiction....

Sending hugs.
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Old 03-10-2011, 10:05 PM
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You need to tell yourself that you are strong, smart and going to be ok because all of those things are true.

Doesn't matter who says it if you don't believe it.

BELIEVE IT!!!!!

I know because I have self esteem issues as well and I think I am somehow at fault for other people's awful behavior towards me. It takes LOTS of work to remind myself that I am great just how I am but it only seeps in when I allow myself the room to heal my own pain.

I hope you know that you are worth so much more than how he is treating you. And no, not all drinkers behave as he does. But whether they do or not doesn't matter, what matters is that yours does and it is causing you lots of pain and stress

You are worth more and you need to believe that more than anything.
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Old 03-10-2011, 11:24 PM
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You are strong. And smart. And everything's going to be OK. And I need to hear those words tonight, too.

Hang in there. Listen to Cyrano. Deep breaths. We can do this. It ain't easy, but we're tough as nails.
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