Thanks for posting this, because I'm right with you. I left a week and a day ago, with the same thoughts: get away to clear my head, really think about how I can keep myself healthy--even if I want to be healthy to best help HIM, if you know what I mean. I also feel like this is more of a "way-station" than a break-up.
And I"m also realizing that my moods are STILL contingent, in part, on HIS moods.... for example, all last week he told me how he "needed to get me back," "would do whatever it takes," and to that end, is seeing an alcoholism counselor. He was definitely not drinking.
Meanwhile, from my rental 50 miles away, I'm feeling peaceful, good about myself, happy where I am, and involved on my mission to do what's going to be best for me, including going to Al-Anon.
I had vowed that I wouldn't talk to him after noon, because I was afraid he would have been drinking by then, so I generally call him around 11am. Yesterday I as at a business meeting and called him around 5--(why am I calling him every day, some of you are thinking? Because he has indicated he wants to change, and I feel a phone call a day to support him is not doing me any harm).
Well, he had been drinking. I was kind of bummed, I have to admit. Why? Did I really think I was going to carry out my threat of leaving and he would do a 180? Maybe that was my hope. I know it's unrealistic.
I was also bummed, because he told me a couple of days ago how difficult this is for him--that he's lonely. I started to put one foot down that hill of "Maybe I can help him better if I'm home" but it occurred to me, that I wasn't helping him when I WAS home--he was drinking all the time despite my being there. Also, he's lonely? He has his brother next door, the dog, and my son lives with him temporarily because he's between leases. I'm the one that left my "base of security" and am in a strange town with none of my own stuff except for what I carried here in one suitcase and one plastic crate.
So, in response to the phone call yesterday, I went to an Al-Anon meeting.
I feel better today, but still vulnerable to feeling just the way you do--am I "kicking the man when he's down"? No, he was down when I left, and I didn't kick him--I stepped over him on my way to a healthier life. Nothing says he can't follow.
I can't be a crutch for him. He has to get up and walk on his own. Besides, until I can step back and heal myself, he's leaning on a broken crutch, and we'll both be down for the count.
Good luck to you, and do what's best for you. Think of it as time that's rightfully yours to do what's best for everyone.