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Trying to detach, AH hates it!

Old 02-15-2011, 07:13 AM
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Trying to detach, AH hates it!

It's so funny, now that I am really trying to detach, I find my husband can't stand it! He is currently "recovering", I suppose. I told him that he really needs to figure this all out for himself now and I can help him with something if he asks but he needs to manage his own schedule. In the past, I have reminded him to eat, shower, sleep, etc. It has been totally co-dependent and ridiculous and hasn't helped one bit.

When I told him he needs to be responsible for himself since he is a 40-year old educated man, he seemed happy about that and was like "of course!" but this AM I have noticed he keeps coming over to where I am, sighing loudly, putting his head down on the table, etc. He wants me to ask him what's wrong so he can start complaining like he does all day, every day. He can't handle me not obsessing on his problems along with him. I give it about two hours until he completely freaks out. At that point I think I will remind him his sponsor is a better person to talk to about all this than I am.
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Old 02-15-2011, 07:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Ladybug0130 View Post
He wants me to ask him what's wrong so he can start complaining like he does all day, every day. He can't handle me not obsessing on his problems along with him.
What is it with A's having to have everyone else involved in their drama? Whenever I tried to not get involved he told me I didn't know the meaning of the word "empathy," I must worship the devil because I certainly didn't worship his God or I'd be completely upset and ready to jump of a balcony because of the hard time he was going through, I must have caused it so it was my fault and I had to fix it, I must be happy that he's dying because of this terrible event, etc, etc, etc.

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Old 02-15-2011, 07:48 AM
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Good for you! Your recovery is showing! Such a simple action (or non action) from you to set the world right! Let him fall apart if he needs to. You can have independence and peace!
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Old 02-15-2011, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
What is it with A's having to have everyone else involved in their drama? Whenever I tried to not get involved he told me I didn't know the meaning of the word "empathy," I must worship the devil because I certainly didn't worship his God or I'd be completely upset and ready to jump of a balcony because of the hard time he was going through, I must have caused it so it was my fault and I had to fix it, I must be happy that he's dying because of this terrible event, etc, etc, etc.

I had a couselor tell me one time that alcoholics acutally love to create drama and have it all revolve around them. I am glad to hear you are detaching as I am sure it will have a wonderful effect on you. I am trying to do the same and it's a challenge everyday.
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Old 02-15-2011, 08:31 AM
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The drama gives them permission to drink!!

Ladybug, you MUST keep us posted! I love to hear these stories about detachment!
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:09 AM
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Rock on Ladybug!

What a helpful and hopeful post. This is what recovery feels like!

Congratulations!
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Ladybug0130 View Post
he keeps coming over to where I am, sighing loudly, putting his head down on the table, etc. He wants me to ask him what's wrong so he can start complaining like he does all day, every day. He can't handle me not obsessing on his problems along with him.
I didn't realize this was normal alkie behaviour. I thought my AH was just a major DRAMA KING! He will make a huge ordeal over the tiniest issue, then gets so angry at me because I don't ask what is wrong/what happened, etc... If I do ask I don't get an answer, but if I don't ask I'm an uncaring b*tch.

I'm learning so much. I don't feel like I'm the crazy one anymore
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:09 AM
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I am still learning so much about the dynamics of our relationship and he and I haven't been together in 18 months. Mine would do anything to get the focus on him, but he had no loving, seductive, conciliatory skills. he did it with anger, and when I started detaching, he acted out more.

But I see now that it always had to be about him.
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:20 AM
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Originally Posted by stella27 View Post
I am still learning so much about the dynamics of our relationship and he and I haven't been together in 18 months. Mine would do anything to get the focus on him, but he had no loving, seductive, conciliatory skills. he did it with anger, and when I started detaching, he acted out more.

But I see now that it always had to be about him.
Mine reacted with anger and verbal/emotional abuse when he didn't get his way.
When I started to detach, he started throwing things, and came very close to getting physical.
I am glad you got out safely.
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:21 AM
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Of course he HATES your detachment...you are no longer playing the role he scripted for you. The role of obsessed, doting wife, focused solely on his well-being, and plaything to his manipulations.

Be strong. Remember your boundaries and don't be afraid to express them. Remember that if you don't take care of yourself, no one will!

And finally, remember that we codies teach others how to treat us. Right now, your AH is just having to relearn and you know what they say about old dogs...
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
What is it with A's having to have everyone else involved in their drama?
I spoke with a friend who was the director of an addiction counseling facility. He told me that oftentimes, A's feel detached from the world and seek out interactions that make them feel connectedness. Having someone take care of them...having drama that requires intense emotional attention...these make them feel connected with someone. Granted, it isn't a HEALTHY kind of connection but they aren't healthy people so that's impossible anyway.
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Old 02-15-2011, 12:11 PM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
Of course he HATES your detachment...you are no longer playing the role he scripted for you.
Could you also say that his life is becoming unmanageable?? Eh? Looks like a good place to start some recovery if you ask me!
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Old 02-15-2011, 12:38 PM
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It's actually kind of scary. One day of me "detaching" and he just completely lost it. He had a big project due today (part of the reason he has been such a maniac lately) and he just told his client he couldn't do it. He is the breadwinner of our family and this client provides half of our income. I told him that's the last straw for me and now I hear him down in our basement wailing like a sick puppy, just loudly sobbing out of control. It's making me feel really guilty, but I am trying to not go down there.

I hate this, but I think it was inevitable and had to happen. I have been trying to stop it from happening for so long and it was making me crazy. I am actually not that scared about him leaving, I know I can work and take care of my kids. I am more scared of what he is going to do for himself and I think that has kept me down for a long time.
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Old 02-15-2011, 12:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Ladybug0130 View Post
I am more scared of what he is going to do for himself and I think that has kept me down for a long time.
That kept me feeling prisoner in the relationship until I finally could not take enough.

Since I have left, he is unreliable at work, and he got in a (minor) car accident, but guess what?

He is still collecting a full paycheck, he is still alive, he got his car fixed, and he is still not working on his recovery. The main difference now is that I am not wrapped up in his drama, and so I can move on and take care of myself.
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Ladybug0130 View Post
I am more scared of what he is going to do for himself and I think that has kept me down for a long time.
Yep, I do believe he is counting on this!! Hence the wailing loud enough for the neighbors to hear.

Oh brother.

How old is he again? Sheesh. Put your big boy pants on, dude!
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:27 PM
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From my experience, the follow up act to this is alot of angry displays and blaming.

Might be a good time to get out of the house.
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:32 PM
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I agree. He's going to up the anty trying to get a big reaction. Shopping, dinner at your favorite place, and a late show. Let him wear himself out all by himself.

Geez. I would have been (was) a frazzled unsure mess in similar situations and now that I'm out of it - all I can think is what a loon. Him, not you. I think you are doing great.
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:59 PM
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I dunno, I guess I feel a little more "empathy", lol (don't throw anything at me!!).

I do think you're handling it exactly right, Ladybug, but alcoholics don't get better all at once! Even if he really is on the road to recovery (and I've seen it happen, many times), he probably doesn't know what to do with his sober self. I know I had trouble figuring out what to do to take care of myself at first, and I didn't have anyone doing anything for me before!

A little sighing and even a little freaking out doesn't mean he isn't getting better. Just keep doing what you're doing. If he freaks out, go out for a walk or find something to keep busy with. There was more than one occasion when I told my first husband (during the first several months of his sobriety) that I was going out for awhile, and he might want to think about calling someone to talk to.

And he actually DID it, and felt better, and learned to do that for himself.

Hang in, you're doin' great.
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Old 02-15-2011, 04:04 PM
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(((ladybug))) Maybe let him cry it out for bit and see if he manages to pull himself together. I think he probably will eventually. But I do agree with Live in that you may consider spending the evening elsewhere if he begins to get angry.

Hugs, HG
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Old 02-15-2011, 06:55 PM
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This IS hard.
I'm learning to detach too and it sucks.
I want my husband to be a kind and normal person....
but honestly I don't think he is...under all that alchoholic behavior is one major selfish b$%^&#$ and that is NOT my fault. I too was blinded by the alcohol.
That is why I'm going to alnon.
I need to learn to love myself enough to decide where my boundaries are and what is too much to handle for myself and my kids.

It's hard not to step in and 'fix' everything ...
but I can't keep doing that.
I don't WANT that kind of control
I want a spouse...not another kid!
Alnon...I'm hoping will help me sort it all out and decide for myself.
I hope so at least.
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