Trying to detach, AH hates it!

Old 02-16-2011, 06:04 AM
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How are you today ladybug? This detachment stuff is hard work. You doing ok?
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:24 PM
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Sending ladybug good wishes....
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Old 02-17-2011, 04:52 AM
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Thanks! I am doing well, but a lot has happened in 24 hours. I didn't go in to my story in great detail, but basically my husband has always drank and been an emotional person, but he started a DEEP downward spiral about 2 years ago. He has developed obvious mental problems, but refuses treatment every time it becomes apparent it will take time and effort on his part and the psychiatrist isn't going to be able to just give him magic pills that fix him instantly. He drinks because he cannot cope with any stress, at all. Even the wrong dinner or the noise of happy children playing too loudly can become so stressful for him that he must drink.

I have been there taking care of him constantly for two years. I even quit a good job I had for ten years because he needed supervision and I thought me being home might help. It has only escalated things with me being home. I have taken him to detox with a BAC of over 4.0, I have been there for a DUI, I have driven him 12 hours to rehab in Minnesota after researching rehabs for weeks to find the best one! After rehab, he came home and drank so much he hit his head and I spent New Years in the ER getting him a CT scan because he thought he was dying. I could go on and on with these stories, I really could.

I say this so people don't think I am being insensitive. I have tried to give him so much help and so many chances. Like with all alcoholics, I am sure, there is a good guy deep down that I remember and it makes me so sad. I still feel like maybe the right meds and therapy could help him, but I cannot stick around for years to find out, especially because I offered to take him to a mental health facility after he lost it yesterday and he refused to go.

I left the house because he won't leave and I told him if he wants me to take him to the hospital I will help him but otherwise I have nothing more to say because all we have is the same endless conversation over and over that ends in a fight. I haven't talked to him in 24 hours. I am staying at my inlaws until Monday because I am a bit scared of him. I am seeing a lawyer Monday to go over my options because it seems unfair to me that my six and two year old kids are being uprooted while he relaxes in our home. My son is not in the school he loves this week. I don't think my AH has given a moment's thought to what the kids are going through in all this though.

So, I think my detachment yesterday was just me finally forcing some sort of action after finally having enough of all this. Already I am looking at what I have been doing for the past couple of years and I can't believe I put up with it!
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Old 02-17-2011, 06:15 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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It sounds like you are making decisions that are in your best interest, and in the best interest of you children. You can't go wrong with that. Keep on doing the next right thing.

At the end of the day alcoholism is just a sad thing but as the spouse, there is really nothing we can do about it. We have to take care of ourselves and our children. The alcoholic is the only one with the key to recovery and they ALL have keys.
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Old 02-17-2011, 07:09 AM
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I think you have gone above and beyond the call of duty.
Yes, it is time to take care of you and your children.
Your husband's problems are out of your caring, but untrained hands,
and he won't or can't get help.
Please stay safe and keep heading in the right direction, you are doing good.

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Old 02-17-2011, 08:51 AM
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Do you go to alnon?
I'm am ALL ABOUT alnon these days. Maybe you should try it if you haven't yet.

I'm proud of you that you are standing by convictions and boundaries.

and although I know your fueled more by anger right does get easier.
sounds contrite...but trust me it really does help.
You take care of yourself and your kids.
He is a grown up...he needs to deal w/ this in his own way. You were fair, you gave him options...but now it's time that he needs to understand it is not your job to baby and care for him in the way you have been.
Good for you!
Keep us updated!!! Praying for you!
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