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Amazing how they move on.....

Old 02-14-2011, 03:40 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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[Dimestore shrink alert]: Could it be the whole abandonment thing? I know that AH and I are drawn together like magnets because we both lost our alcoholic dads at the same time in our development.

So, while we have been desperate to stay together, in the past any threat that the marriage may not work sends AH into "survival mode" relationship-wise.

Case in point: When he relapsed, he tried as hard as he could to get a few women in the wings, so that if/when I kicked him out, he wasn't alone.

Perhaps that's what your ex is doing? Just shoring up the emotional dam?

This is his deal... maybe he has a fantasy of a plug-and-play relationship, but I agree that you might want to tread lightly as far as your own kids are concerned.
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Old 02-14-2011, 04:06 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by SKW View Post
I just wanted to tell you that it DOES get better. For the first six months after XAH was gone, my life was shambles. I felt like I was failing my kids...forgetting to do homework, digging clean socks/shirts/underwear out of one of multiple baskets of clean laundry laying around the house, eating cereal and sandwiches for dinner every night, forgetting friends' birthday parties...all with the house being a complete wreck! I could not figure out how things got so chaotic after such a burden was lifted. But the fact is, even if someone is only doing 20%, that's 20% less for you to do.

100% requires a hefty adjustment but it does happen. You eventually find a "new normal". I'm now at 8 months later and life is clearing up. I have a routine down with the boys, laundry is getting put away, the house is back to its normal level of clutter and I'm back to being able to do some of the Mommy extras. Today I sent my boys out the door with all their Valentines done and 2 dozen cupcakes each. Three months ago, I didn't think the day would ever come.
This is super-reassuring. I spent the past 3 weeks being single parent for the first time while AW is in rehab, and I've never felt so exhausted or like such a failure at something in my life. So don't beat yourself up too much in the beginning if it takes time to adjust, is the message I'm hearing.
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Old 02-14-2011, 05:16 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Cry a little, in private. Laugh a lot in front of your girls. And don't worry about the little things. Most of this stuff is little.
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Old 02-14-2011, 10:11 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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He has moved on but has he moved forward?
Life may seem full of boredom and not very exciting right now.
Make tiny little goals, something he may never do.

Like yesterday I finally succeeded at Latte Art at work, the apple was perfect!
I should have taken a pic, I will next time.
Also I finally managed an F on the guitar, I was so amazed, it was a Kodak Moment.

Also look around your living quarters, change something or wash something.
or just look at the things that interest you. I pulled out all my old cook books.

Also look at long range goals, education, careers.

And remember as I've witnessed for years, I've come along way with my goals where as
all the X's have shown up, tired looking and empty handed and just plain lost.
They all play the same recording, nothing new under their sun or moon.
They set an empty table, no feast, they just take a seat and wait for you to feed them.

Sorry, but the table is not set for you, see no drink, no ashtray, no dinner!

It's set for my new friends whom I would feel embarrassed if they saw you
here. Of course that is if he even got passed the door.
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:49 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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This is the top of the "Damn Right" Pyramid

"He is in desperate need of a new enabler." There is no possible way to be more right than Noday is about this. In all of history when people were right about something, they were not more right than this. She's more right than Galileo. She's more right than Einstein. And, don't hate me for this, but she's more right than Oprah (Sacrilege!!!!).

She may also be right about Ms. Flavour of the Week (or Flavor if you are in The States), and I agree that if/when she becomes a permanent fixture polite rapport may make life easier.

That said, FOTW may not be gone soon. If she's like I was, she'll be around for a long, long, time as she struggles to control him and his drinking in the guise of "saving" him. However, if she's like I am now she'll be gone soon. Very soon.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak



Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
Of course he's "moved on" (or should I say "LATCHED ON") to someone else. He is in desperate need of a new enabler that will allow him to continue to feel ok about his addiction and avoid at all costs examining himself. No surprise there.

I surmise that Ms. Flavour of the Week will be gone soon, so I wouldn't make any kind of effort to communicate with her or introduce your daughters to her. Should she become a more permanent fixture, you can start to establish a polite rapport.
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Old 02-15-2011, 04:39 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
Moving on means going through the mourning process and its stages.

I don't believe anyone active in addiction or in codependency is emotionally healthy to go through those stages and learn from the experience.
OMG, TC. This makes so much sense, and not just in the relationship sense. I don't know why I didn't see it before. XAH has never really dealt with his mother's terminal illness or her passing. Based on conversations with his sister, he lied to me about going to see his mom while she was still alive, so he was in all likelihood sitting somewhere else and drinking while he was supposed to be at her side. He wasn't sober for her funeral. No one said anything....

XAH didn't move right in with his GF, but the whole relationship with her started on a lie (that he was divorced, now that is true though, even though he didn't want it...) However, I think he's found the perfect enabler for his alcoholism. She met him and let him move in with her and her 2 kids the same month, she puts a roof over his head, a leather sofa under his a--, a cable remote in his hand, a car to drive, has stuck by his having 5 jobs (maybe more now) in 8 months, believed that the problem was with the employers, and she doesn't have a problem with his drinking, just a problem with how he handles 'his stuff' (i.e. me) when he's drinking. (So to translate - I'm the reason he drinks and is abusive, which she would never allow him to do to her.)


I think maybe I shouldn't be posting today....
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Old 02-15-2011, 05:18 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
HAHAHAAH duqld... I am laughing out loud at work!! :rotfxko

Moving on means going through the mourning process and its stages.

I don't believe anyone active in addiction or in codependency is emotionally healthy to go through those stages and learn from the experience.

I know going from guy to guy I never learned a thing and ended up with more pain and increasingly frustrated with myself.

I find it sad, what he is doing and hope life kicks his a$$ in some way so he realizes what he is missing before its too late.

Also addiction strives in enablers so its Modus Operandi to get someone-anyone- to enable them. I understood this reading this article (I keep on posting it!)

Dependency - Relationship

It has nothing to do with you and certainly nothing to do with love... I feel for the woman and the kid trusting this guy, perhaps she will be posting here in SR later on about the "great guy who played with her kid" and all the turmoil that ensued.

It was cruel to say these things to you. But what can be expected? selfishness...

I listened in the radio they said in general "for women, if the relation with her partner is not really good, it is bad. for men, if the relation is not really bad, then it's good"

In any case he is someone else's problem and I am so glad you get your peace and your time with your kids, why don't you plan your own fun muffin morning at home??
Thanks for the link,it really made me think (in a good way ofcourse xx

Ghirl xx
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Old 02-15-2011, 11:59 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Weird..

Originally Posted by theuncertainty View Post
I don't know why I didn't see it before. XAH has never really dealt with his mother's terminal illness or her passing.
Weird.. same thing with XABF... I realized he never dealt with his mother's illness or passing either- I highly suspect that is when he started hitting the bottle. She died from a stomach illness and he was very secretive about it.

I recall his sister has the same illness and when I was just meeting him he had spent the entire night in the hospital for her.

If he has not mourned her mom, then why would he mourn me? he can't.
When I asked about his dad XABF said "I hate him, he spends the night away with his girlfriends"

Someday if he comes out of the drunken stupor he started years ago, he might mourn the major loss that was his mom, and later mourn the lesser losses like the girlfriends, including myself (he learned Evasion, and also underwent Abandonment from both of his parents...)

But he would have to hit some bottom.



We are not that different.... I will never forgive him if I don't forgive my dad first. And when dealing with my feelings for my dad I see truths and uncomfortable stuff about my boyfriends. And in order for me to face all that I had to hit my bottom, when the pain I felt was larger than the pain of seeing my past and my realities so far.

That is what my therapist always tells me, that we all have a long story that makes us us, family history, patterns going on from generations, and that the only one I have any chance to understand and heal is my own life....

Even if people are together until they die, that does not mean there was any love.
I also learned that giving a hard look to my dad and his "new" wife - that is not love, its mutual codependency, in some aspects he treats her like a small child, and in others she treats him like a small child. I had never realized that before.

My therapist tells me of the cases she sees, how women arrive destroyed by their toxic partners. I like that she urges me to stop fantasizing, see reality, expect what is to be expected, get the focus where it should be.

Sorry for rambling...
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Old 02-16-2011, 12:07 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I : dad who physically left me (abandonment)
mom in evasion (depression)

XABF : dad in evasion (other women & no attention to his kids)
mom who died and left him years ago

Ugh... I always had this feeling, this commonality with him, in that he was as hurt as mine. We are like puzzle pieces, incredible how we attract each other unconsciously... that is why real recovery is so slow......!
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Old 02-16-2011, 11:15 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Oh my lovely SR friends. I thought he was controlling himself........he called to say that he wouldn't be able to come by and see the girls this week, but maybe he would come down on Sunday. Then, like he had some sort of new and exciting idea, he says, or, you and the girls should come here and spend some time and meet new GF. REALLY!?!?!?!?!?!. Didn't you have this idea already?
Yikes.
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Old 02-16-2011, 11:20 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Delusion? Insanity? Narcissism?
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Old 02-16-2011, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by MyBetterWorld View Post
Then, like he had some sort of new and exciting idea, he says, or, you and the girls should come here and spend some time and meet new GF. REALLY!?!?!?!?!?!.
OK, are you married to XAH? He did the same frickin thing. Only at the time, he was telling me he was 'just renting a room from' her. The tune changed when I said "OK, it would be a great idea to see where you're taking DS."

It was amazing to see the wheels click in his vodka-sodden brain on just how stupid he would be to get the wife (who he lying to by saying he was just renting a room from GF) and the GF (who he was lying to by saying he was divorced from wife) together in the same room. It was an "oh sh-t" look and a bunch of back pedaling, "Oh, uh, but this weekend, we're going to a block party at M's house so.... uh, just drop DS there, uh, I'll meet you there..."

Actually, I'm kind of surprised he made the connection, but then it would have seriously messed up his rent-free crash pad if GF had found out that early that he was married.
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Old 02-16-2011, 12:53 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Forget about the guy. Yes, your daughters will be sad about it and they won't understand, but the devil they know is better than having a fantasy dad they don't. I feel bad for the little boy in the picture too. Having adults float in and out of your life is confusing as a child.

For you, there are a lot -- A LOT -- of support services out there for mothers, single moms too. I was overwhelmed as a single mom, but I found that when I put out some feelers, people bent over backwards to help me find the things and services I needed to make it easier. Daycare, clothes, food, jobs, dates (yes!), everything. I found it really helpful to have an organizer, an alarm clock I actually listened to, a set bedtime, and an attitude that there were better things to do than laundry sometimes. My babydaddy wasn't an A, but he has problems all his own that has made him an unreliable, fickle dad. It's a tough row to hoe, but you will find a groove.

It stinks that you missed out on Muffins with Mom, but you can easily and cheaply come up with a substitute at home that can still be special. Set a table, make it extra frilly and fancy, and make, like, mint tea (with sugar or honey for the girls) and muffins to share. Good luck! And make sure those girls know they *can* count on you.

Last edited by Florence; 02-16-2011 at 12:55 PM. Reason: spelling
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