TakingCharge999

Weird.. same thing with XABF... I realized he never dealt with his mother's illness or passing either- I highly suspect that is when he started hitting the bottle. She died from a stomach illness and he was very secretive about it.

I recall his sister has the same illness and when I was just meeting him he had spent the entire night in the hospital for her.

If he has not mourned her mom, then why would he mourn me? he can't.
When I asked about his dad XABF said "I hate him, he spends the night away with his girlfriends"

Someday if he comes out of the drunken stupor he started years ago, he might mourn the major loss that was his mom, and later mourn the lesser losses like the girlfriends, including myself (he learned Evasion, and also underwent Abandonment from both of his parents...)

But he would have to hit some bottom.



We are not that different.... I will never forgive him if I don't forgive my dad first. And when dealing with my feelings for my dad I see truths and uncomfortable stuff about my boyfriends. And in order for me to face all that I had to hit my bottom, when the pain I felt was larger than the pain of seeing my past and my realities so far.

That is what my therapist always tells me, that we all have a long story that makes us us, family history, patterns going on from generations, and that the only one I have any chance to understand and heal is my own life....

Even if people are together until they die, that does not mean there was any love.
I also learned that giving a hard look to my dad and his "new" wife - that is not love, its mutual codependency, in some aspects he treats her like a small child, and in others she treats him like a small child. I had never realized that before.

My therapist tells me of the cases she sees, how women arrive destroyed by their toxic partners. I like that she urges me to stop fantasizing, see reality, expect what is to be expected, get the focus where it should be.

Sorry for rambling...