Learn2Live

Thank you for sharing Suave75. I hope you will also start a thread too and share more about you. to SR.

Floss

Welcome NBK and I'm sorry you're going through this with your ABF. He sounds very much like my ex defacto A. After a terrible, abusive marriage to an exAH, in which myself and my kids lived with his violent temper, I found myself with another A. I didn't realise he was one in the beginning and when I did, I was already 'hooked' (if only I knew then, what I know now!). I chose different boundaries with my defacto because when he drinks, he is abusive and I didn't want that around me or my kids again. For a while, we lived together, with our child and my other four children and he stayed sober (but not in recovery). Even though he had his 'control' issues, he was loving and caring. He fell off the wagon 18 months ago. I came home to find him drinking which was against my boundaries of no alcohol in the house. He said he'd had a hard day at work and was having a few beers. My Al-Anon kicked in and I just went about my business. (In retrospect, I should have packed myself and all my kids in the car and taken off). but he kept telling me he wasn't drinking the "devil bourbon" and he'll be okay with beers. Then I noticed he kept going back to the car for more beer. By 1am, his alcohol induced psychosis kicked in and he became violent. I called the police and he was arrested.

We haven't been together since, except for a short period of time last August when he too, was crying on my shoulders saying he still loves me and wants to work it out and get sober, blah, blah, blah. I fell for his sob story, but found I got back on my codie wagon a lot faster that time. Fast forward to now; he's lost his job (another one), he rarely sees his daughter and he's drinking around the clock again, literally. He lives in his house, I live in mine. I'm working on my recovery, he's working on how much more his body can handle drinking until it can't take it anymore. It still hurts now because I still love him. But I know I can do nothing to help him. He needs to help himself.

A lot of us have been where you are NBK. And you're right, there's great support here. You're also right that with active alcoholism, booze will always come before you and your child and although some do get into recovery, some don't. In the meantime, your safety and the safety of your child is the most important thing. Something just popped into my head. It's about my 17 year old son. He was almost 16 when my defacto was arrested. Even though he really like defacto, the sober one, when he drank that night and the police were called, he said he had to hold himself back from getting a knife and stabbing him. He saw it only once and wanted to kill him for hurting me. And I believe him and that would have been the end of his life as he knew it if he'd carried that through. Alcohol, abuse and children never mix.

By the way, my defacto was also a pussycat after long binges, when his guts couldn't take it anymore....I know what you mean! If only they stayed that way for extended periods of time! I hope you enjoy your peaceful night with your son....

Learn2Live

Wow. That is an INCREDIBLE story Floss! Thank you for sharing that. Amazing perspective you have, too, regarding teenagers and the risks of them living with alcoholics. I never thought about that before.

lillamy

You've gotten so much good advice here, I just wanted to stop by and say "Hi!" and let you know that you aren't alone. I recognize so much of your story, maybe especially the part where he's not just an alcoholic, he's this wonderful person, too... unfortunately, L2L is right. It's a package deal.

(((hugs))) to you and come hang out here. There are so many people here who understand exactly what you're going through.

Floss

Yep, the "package deal" stood out loud and clear for me too! Thanks L2L! We have to accept Jeckyll and Hyde are the same person...

NBK

Thank you all for all the kind words and encouragement. I truly feel like I am not alone in this nightmare. My boy is home (in the shower right now) and all is well, at least for tonight.

I feel great right now, and hopeful. I know life will get better, I just need to leave. I don't know that he will ever work a program & at this point I don't think I even care anymore. I feel so much stronger today. I am starting to see that this is his problem, not mine. I can only control my life, not his. I have a wonderful son, and he needs to be my priority. He is my responsibility, and he trusts me to make wise decisions. My ABF has his own mama - let her worry about him.

I can't leave just yet for financial reasons, but I'll be able to in just a couple of months. I'm scared out of my mind, but I'd rather be miserable without him, than to continue to be miserable with him.

Learn2Live

Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

LexieCat

And there's no lonely like the lonely you get in a relationship with an active alcoholic.

stella27

word.

NBK

I've been feeling kind of guilty all day because of something that happened about 2 1/2 weeks ago. ABF was doing the dry drunk thing and just started raging on me (my son was with his dad thankfully). It was a Saturday and all day I tried to stay out of his way because I just had a feeling he was going to flip out. So I was quietly watching TV and he just started screaming at calling me his vile names again (*****, ****, stupid, idiot, moron, everything is always my fault, etc...). I didn't respond, just kept watching TV. He grabs the remote and turns off the TV and says "I'm talking to you!" I calmy responded no, you're not talking to me, you're screaming at me & I went into the bedroom. He followed me in and continued his rant. But the more I ignored him (which isn't easy because he is the loudest person I've ever met in my life!) the angrier he got. I could feel my blood boiling and I got so angry and just wanted him to stop. I got up and walked up to him as he's screaming at me and I slapped him across the face. But I guess I don't know my own strength because blood started pouring out of his nose. All I did was slap him -I didn't punch him. I know I should have just grabbed my keys and gone to the mall or something when I felt myself get so angry, but I wasn't feeling well that day and all I wanted to do was rest. Next thing I know he's crying (!!!) like a big baby! OMG! He's crying saying that I'm violent and how he didn't do anything to deserve that slap because he's never laid a hand on me. I didn't respond and we didn't speak to each other for the rest of the weekend. When we finally did speak to each other a few days later, I apologized for slapping him (was that dumb of me?) and attempted to explain that I had lost my cool because I was pushed to my limit. But of course, it's just about him and the pain I caused him.

I know I shouldn't have stooped to that level, but it was like this horrible rage exploded in me and all I wanted him to do was shut up. So now I feel guilty about it, thinking I'm as bad as he is. But I want to say again, he has never been physically abusive with me, and I've never slapped anyone before in my whole life. I still can't believe that I slapped him.

I really hate this disease.

Cyranoak

What I've come to understand over several years is that "the most wonderful woman in the world" that my wife was when she was sober was her attempt at making up for the pathetic, angry, self-pitying drunk she was the majority of the time she wasn't at work.

She was, is, and always shall be who she is, and who she is an entire person. Not pieces I get to pick and choose. It turns out I'm the same. Most of the time I'm a pretty good guy with a wonderful sense of humor, but occasionally an ******* control freak emerges who also has delusions of grandeur at the same time as he is manifesting an inferiority complex (only my wife and daughter know this-- everybody else thinks I'm swell). I am, and always shall be who I am, and I am an entire person.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

Learn2Live

From what I understand, guilt is appropriate when you have done something against your morals and values. And apologies are verbal expressions of that guilt. So was that dumb to apologize for doing something that was probably against your morals? IMO, no. In fact, that sounds like the right thing to do in those circumstances.

When I was with one of my XA&ABFs (I've had a few), I lost my cool physically several times. I threw something at him once, I attacked him physically probably twice. There was a lot of rage in that relationship, a lot of pent up anger, and a lot of sickness. I have also verbally raged at the other person. Did I like it? No. Was it their fault I acted that way? No. Was it right for me to behave that way? No. In the end, what it boiled down to was, "Look at what I have become." It didn't matter who was right and who was wrong, who did or said what, or even how hurt I was over their behavior. It was the simple fact that "This relationship is SICK and I cannot allow myself to continue to BE this person! Because this is not who I am or what I am about." THAT is what alcoholism and drug addiction DO to those who have the disease and all those who live with them. I knew I had to get out, for fear of who I would become if I stayed.

tallulah

No, you were not dumb for apologising. If you did something wrong then an 'I'm sorry' is appropriate.

If this loss of control is out of character for you, if the raising of your hand is out of character for you.. then I don't think you need any further proof that this situation is toxic and you should remove yourself from it.. and more importantly, your child.

NBK

Yeah, the slapping is totally out of character for me. I'm usually so easy and laid back. I still can't believe I am actually capable of being that angry.

His acid reflux started acting up again over the weekend - he's been vomiting since yesterday. His acid reflux is severe, and I just know it's because of the booze. He takes 4 different prescription meds for it everyday. He was too sick to drive home this afternoon and his mom took him to the ER. He's there now. He called me at work moaning and groaning about how much his stomach and throat hurt and on and on. He wanted sympathy and I didn't have any. I told him for once in his life he had to be honest and admit to the ER doc how much he really drinks (I still have no idea how much he really drinks). I told him again for like the millionth time that his boozing is going to kill him. He's having a MRI done for the pain in his right side - wonder if it's his appendix? More likely his liver. I wonder if liver damage shows up on an MRI.

Funny how I'm not at the hospital though. He's only a couple of hours away. I could have easily taken the day off and made arrangements with my son's father to pick him up from school. I just don't want to be there with him listening to him moaning and groaning, waiting with his mother, who by the way thinks I'm to blame for all his problems. But that's another story. I love him but I just don't care. I don't wish him harm and I hope it's nothing serious, but right now I'd rather enjoy the peace in my home. He'll be home soon enough - for now I'm enjoying my little "vacation" from the insanity.

Floss

Sometimes when you're with an active alcoholic or a dry one not in recovery, or one with a combination of alcohol and other psychological issues, it can make you feel like you're crazy and getting crazier and sometimes this is their desired affect..eg. 'gaslighting'.

Maybe your HP wanted you to have a reprieve from the insanity for a while so you can clear your head. And congratulations for deciding to go about your day and leave his mummy in denial to babysit him, the grown ass man (I love that...saw it on here somewhere and used it twice now). Continue to enjoy the peace!

Midwestman

Remember you said this. My teenager witnessed way to much fighting between his mother and me. It shames me when I think about it. I can only imagine the cruel and insensitive things we said to each other while he was in the house. Though he seems to be an upstanding young man I'm sure it has affected him in ways I can't see.