Should I send the footage?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
Should I send the footage?
Afternoon all!
My AH , whom I left 14 days ago, was abusive, to say the least. I've gone 3 days nc now. However as more time passes, it angers me that his relatives, friends, co-workers believe his manipulating banter about why all his serious relationships fail. He convinces them that he marries bad, sick women; and profoundly enough, they believe! (I am his 4th wife, 5th marriage--I know, I know--red flag...too late now) It urks me to no end they fall for his lies. Yet again, I did the same! I have video footage of him attacking me as well as the after effects (black eyes...) I sat down this morning to send this footage out to everyone who disbelieves. I stopped. Mainly, because, I am afraid of the repercussions from him; (I think, however, if I felt it were the right thing, I would send it regardless) but secondly, because, I am not sure if I am simply being vindictive or really helping myself in any way here. How long until these awful feelings (anger, sadness....) go away? My thought is he had hidden, very well, from his world who he really is. I know it is not likely to change him, but if people see him for who he really is, maybe it will ostrasize him. If he were a murderer, thief or any other criminal, no one would question why i was sending it. Why is this different?
My AH , whom I left 14 days ago, was abusive, to say the least. I've gone 3 days nc now. However as more time passes, it angers me that his relatives, friends, co-workers believe his manipulating banter about why all his serious relationships fail. He convinces them that he marries bad, sick women; and profoundly enough, they believe! (I am his 4th wife, 5th marriage--I know, I know--red flag...too late now) It urks me to no end they fall for his lies. Yet again, I did the same! I have video footage of him attacking me as well as the after effects (black eyes...) I sat down this morning to send this footage out to everyone who disbelieves. I stopped. Mainly, because, I am afraid of the repercussions from him; (I think, however, if I felt it were the right thing, I would send it regardless) but secondly, because, I am not sure if I am simply being vindictive or really helping myself in any way here. How long until these awful feelings (anger, sadness....) go away? My thought is he had hidden, very well, from his world who he really is. I know it is not likely to change him, but if people see him for who he really is, maybe it will ostrasize him. If he were a murderer, thief or any other criminal, no one would question why i was sending it. Why is this different?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If he were a murderer, or some other criminal, you would be sending it to the police, not to his family and friends.
If what he did was criminal in nature, I suggest you turn it over to the police, accompanied by a criminal complaint.
Let other people think what they like. It doesn't matter. It doesn't have to affect you.
If what he did was criminal in nature, I suggest you turn it over to the police, accompanied by a criminal complaint.
Let other people think what they like. It doesn't matter. It doesn't have to affect you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I know exactly how you feel and have been through it myself several times. They blame, point their fingers, tell everyone else how crazy you are, etc, all as a ruse to get others to look at YOU and ignore what HE is doing. The person closest to the alcoholic/addict becomes the primary scapegoat. It is not a good position to be in. It's a sick way to think and behave and anyone involved with him will feel that sickness. And to make it worse, they even get US to believe we are the one's at fault for everything that happens. Our self-esteem and self-image PLUMMET.
They HAVE to be this way, passionfruit, it's what keeps the addiction alive and thriving. It's the way they THINK and it is very ingrained in them. It takes a lot of desire to change, sobriety, self-awareness, courage, hard work, years of AA and/or therapy to change that way of thinking. And even then there is no guarantee. And sending that video is just playing into his game. Step off the rollercoaster hon.
You're right, sending it will serve no purpose but to make you look bad. When we are involved with people like this, we really need to feel validated. So many of us come on here and talk about how INSANE we feel and how talking and reading here validates us. Instead of sending the video, I suggest going to AlAnon and continuing to read and post here. Soon you will begin to feel better. The further away you get from him, the less contact you have with him, the less angry you will feel. Bolster those feelings with sharing with those of us who understand and have been there too.
(((hugs)))
They HAVE to be this way, passionfruit, it's what keeps the addiction alive and thriving. It's the way they THINK and it is very ingrained in them. It takes a lot of desire to change, sobriety, self-awareness, courage, hard work, years of AA and/or therapy to change that way of thinking. And even then there is no guarantee. And sending that video is just playing into his game. Step off the rollercoaster hon.
You're right, sending it will serve no purpose but to make you look bad. When we are involved with people like this, we really need to feel validated. So many of us come on here and talk about how INSANE we feel and how talking and reading here validates us. Instead of sending the video, I suggest going to AlAnon and continuing to read and post here. Soon you will begin to feel better. The further away you get from him, the less contact you have with him, the less angry you will feel. Bolster those feelings with sharing with those of us who understand and have been there too.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
I agree with all of the above.
I remember the day I went along with my friends to collect my things from my former home with my ex. It was a week after he had attacked me and put me in hospital. A week after he had been arrested and charged. His Father was there. He treated me like I was the bad guy. So even the fact a law enforcement agency saw fit to charge him and put him through the criminal justice system didn't make a blind bit of difference to him seemingly accepting whatever BS his son had fed him about what happened.
Give it to the Police, or keep it for divorce proceedings, or both.
I remember the day I went along with my friends to collect my things from my former home with my ex. It was a week after he had attacked me and put me in hospital. A week after he had been arrested and charged. His Father was there. He treated me like I was the bad guy. So even the fact a law enforcement agency saw fit to charge him and put him through the criminal justice system didn't make a blind bit of difference to him seemingly accepting whatever BS his son had fed him about what happened.
Give it to the Police, or keep it for divorce proceedings, or both.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Keep that video safe
you might need it in court.
Your lawyer playing that for his lawyer
would be just the thing
to secure a nice settlement.
But as far as swaying parents and manipulated friend -
it'll never happen.
Parents - will never admit because
it reflects on them.
Friends - will never admit
because it'll cost then their next drunk on his tab.
FOrget them.
Right now -
you're still very much attached to that small angry lying world.
YOu can't see how small and dark it is
because you're still way to close to it.
As your recovery progresses
as this heals
you will move further from that little world
and can one day look abck
and see just how small and toxic
it really is.
At the same time you'll realize not a person in that world
is worth the effort.
And when that day comes - I'll dance with you !!!
But keep that video in a very safe place (like a safety deposit box)
With maybe a dozen copies
stashed in other places.
you might need it in court.
Your lawyer playing that for his lawyer
would be just the thing
to secure a nice settlement.
But as far as swaying parents and manipulated friend -
it'll never happen.
Parents - will never admit because
it reflects on them.
Friends - will never admit
because it'll cost then their next drunk on his tab.
FOrget them.
Right now -
you're still very much attached to that small angry lying world.
YOu can't see how small and dark it is
because you're still way to close to it.
As your recovery progresses
as this heals
you will move further from that little world
and can one day look abck
and see just how small and toxic
it really is.
At the same time you'll realize not a person in that world
is worth the effort.
And when that day comes - I'll dance with you !!!
But keep that video in a very safe place (like a safety deposit box)
With maybe a dozen copies
stashed in other places.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: NEW YORK
Posts: 94
Definitely keep it for police/lawyers, should need be.
But thats it. Dont send it out to anyone else who dont matter
I know how you feel, like you want everyone to know, because you want to be validated, vindicated.
But seriously, sending that will not garner any sympathy or understanding, it may even backfire and make YOU look like you are being spiteful and unbalanced. Obviously you are not, but Ive learned some people just see what they want to see. And some people only see what an alcoholic convinces them of seeing! There is 2 things an alcoholic is good at - drinking and manipulation!
Im sure the people who are closest to you know the real deal and thats who count!
good for you for getting out of an abusive relationship, I know you want him to suffer for it but you have left so you know what...he probably already is.
You have made the first step in moving forward - now keep going!
But thats it. Dont send it out to anyone else who dont matter
I know how you feel, like you want everyone to know, because you want to be validated, vindicated.
But seriously, sending that will not garner any sympathy or understanding, it may even backfire and make YOU look like you are being spiteful and unbalanced. Obviously you are not, but Ive learned some people just see what they want to see. And some people only see what an alcoholic convinces them of seeing! There is 2 things an alcoholic is good at - drinking and manipulation!
Im sure the people who are closest to you know the real deal and thats who count!
good for you for getting out of an abusive relationship, I know you want him to suffer for it but you have left so you know what...he probably already is.
You have made the first step in moving forward - now keep going!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I agree, keep it for your attorney and police if needed.
I know you feel angry, I felt angry 25 years ago and your post brought it back for me.
I agree that it is just the thing to sway a favorable settlement...Living well is your best defense and revenge, remember that.
I know you feel angry, I felt angry 25 years ago and your post brought it back for me.
I agree that it is just the thing to sway a favorable settlement...Living well is your best defense and revenge, remember that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 375
I know exactly how you feel and have been through it myself several times. They blame, point their fingers, tell everyone else how crazy you are, etc, all as a ruse to get others to look at YOU and ignore what HE is doing. The person closest to the alcoholic/addict becomes the primary scapegoat.
What everyone else is saying is true. I understand how you feel and luckily I am am not your friend because I would probably be there with you pressing the mouse button to send.
But I can tell you that afterwards, you will feel bad about yourself and feel like you just made yourself look like "the crazy chic" that he is telling everyone that you are. At least...that's how I have felt when I did a couple of things. It really isn't worth it. Maintain your dignity and keep the footage for your own records in case you need it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Jeez, not sure where my brain was this morning when I read your post but somehow I missed that you were saying the video was of him beating you up. I just read it again and I agree with Lexie. If you do turn that video over, please make a copy of it first. Also can someone please post the domestic violence number we give out on this website? I do not know where it is. I think you should go to the nearest DV shelter for help Passionfruit. Please stay away from that guy!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
Passionfruit, DO NOT send that video by email. Do what others have suggested. Make copies. Get one to your lawyer. Put one in a safe deposit box for yourself if need be. If you haven't filed a police report, do it. Give them a copy of the video.
It doesn't matter what your AH's family and fair weather drinking friends think. It only matters that you know what he did to you.
Don't drag yourself down to his level. You are better than that.
Keep reading here. Keep posting here. I encourage to click on the profiles of the people who have answered your post. Read their posts. You will learn a lot from them. I certainly have.
It doesn't matter what your AH's family and fair weather drinking friends think. It only matters that you know what he did to you.
Don't drag yourself down to his level. You are better than that.
Keep reading here. Keep posting here. I encourage to click on the profiles of the people who have answered your post. Read their posts. You will learn a lot from them. I certainly have.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
My anger came in waves. I still have bitter moments and it's been a year and five months since I last saw my EX.
There is this thing when you live in a toxic situation where when you object to what's going on in your relationship and it gets turned back on you with anger, blame, doubt, name calling, and more. I believe the term is transference (correct me, those who know). The result of this for us is an insatiable hunger for validation. For someone on the outside to see, really see, what is going on and admit the wrong doing is real and is really the fault of the other.
I grew up being invalidated.
I grew up being told I was to blame.
I grew up feeling put down and disbelieved.
How easy it was to pin all the toxicity on me as an adult.
Validation is all I've ever wanted.
With recovery I have learned how to accept that what I went through with my EX did happen. He was and abusive, lying alcoholic. But at the time, many people we knew saw his truth where I doubted. Many friends backed away from us, and I believed when my EX said that he was the victim and they were to blame.
You see I was in denial and didn't see the truth really either. Even at the heart of the toxicity, I made excuses and defended him.
How do you know the people you think don't know what he really is. Maybe they actually do know and do nothing. Maybe they tried to warn you and wonder why you married him in the first place.
Sending them the video will not make them see. They will not give you the validation you crave. They could rally around you and stone him in the street and it still wouldn't be enough to take away the anger, either. That kind of validation and forgiveness of your past can only come from within you.
Keep the video for your uses or for the police.
Congratulations on leaving such hell!
Alice
There is this thing when you live in a toxic situation where when you object to what's going on in your relationship and it gets turned back on you with anger, blame, doubt, name calling, and more. I believe the term is transference (correct me, those who know). The result of this for us is an insatiable hunger for validation. For someone on the outside to see, really see, what is going on and admit the wrong doing is real and is really the fault of the other.
I grew up being invalidated.
I grew up being told I was to blame.
I grew up feeling put down and disbelieved.
How easy it was to pin all the toxicity on me as an adult.
Validation is all I've ever wanted.
With recovery I have learned how to accept that what I went through with my EX did happen. He was and abusive, lying alcoholic. But at the time, many people we knew saw his truth where I doubted. Many friends backed away from us, and I believed when my EX said that he was the victim and they were to blame.
You see I was in denial and didn't see the truth really either. Even at the heart of the toxicity, I made excuses and defended him.
How do you know the people you think don't know what he really is. Maybe they actually do know and do nothing. Maybe they tried to warn you and wonder why you married him in the first place.
Sending them the video will not make them see. They will not give you the validation you crave. They could rally around you and stone him in the street and it still wouldn't be enough to take away the anger, either. That kind of validation and forgiveness of your past can only come from within you.
Keep the video for your uses or for the police.
Congratulations on leaving such hell!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
My XAH did the same thing. I think anyone who knows him knows the truth. What other people think of me is none of my business. The only relationship important is me and my HP. I would sit on it awhile. I would save the video in case you need it for legal purposes. It may seem like entrapment or something. Ask legal advice. Police will not want it unless you are pressing charges.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
If you have a video tape - not a coputer file - keep it as a video tape. In many jurisdictions a digital recording or photo is inadmissible as evidence as there is no negative that can be inspected for tampering.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
It's on disc. I am not interested in a "settlement." The police said bring the footage and they would "see" what they could do. Besides, I am afraid of the worms that can may open. I am interested in the fact that he has done this to woman after woman and gotten away with it and all these people still believe he is Mr. Wonderful. However, I will heed your advice, with prejudice, I am afraid at this point.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: norwich, uk
Posts: 80
There is only one person in my life who I told about how my XOH was like, she is our adopted Nanna. He had spent so ling convincing everybody that he was mr nice guy that every one believed him. She has since discovered other stuff about him that has disgusted her.
Even if you do send concrete evidence of what a complete arse he was, they will still brush it under the carpet as a one off incident and something that you caused.
Take it to the police, they are more equipped to deal with it than anyone.
Even if you do send concrete evidence of what a complete arse he was, they will still brush it under the carpet as a one off incident and something that you caused.
Take it to the police, they are more equipped to deal with it than anyone.
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