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So sad

Old 01-30-2011, 10:06 AM
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NBK
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So sad

Hello everyone. I'm new to the board, and feeling so sad and so tired of the drama. My ABF and I have been living together for over 4 years. He claimed he was a "recovering" alcoholic when we first started dating...little did I know he never stopped drinking. It was until about 6 months after he & I moved in together (with my now 12 year old son) that I started noticing the "odd" behavior - the slurring, wobbliness, skipping dinner, going to sleep at 7:30 or 8:00 PM, and most of all the rages. Not having any experience with alcoholism, I just figured he'd had a rough day at work. What a fool I was! I just couldn't see it, or maybe I did but was in total denial.

I've never actually seen him drink. He hides his drinking, believing that I won't know. But he is a mean drunk, ugly and nasty so it's pretty obvious. I've never had anyone say such vile things to me. Usually, I just take his verbal abuse and don't argue because I don't want my son to hear it (my son knows BF is an alcoholic) . But every once in a while I do "talk" back to BF and then BF blames me for the argument. It's so exhausting.

On Wednesday, BF was sitting on the couch and I spotted a familiar bottle in his shorts pocket. It was just poking out. I went over and grabbed it and it was a half empty bottle of vodka! OMG! He had the nerve to tell me that he found it in the bedroom and was waiting for me to leave the living room so he could run it outside to the dumpster. Oh please, do I look like I was born yesterday? I dumped the vodka out in the sink and that was that. No argument, no discussion.

But on Friday, while I was cleaning the living room (he was still at work) I found 4 empty vodka bottles. Two behind the recliner and one on top of each of the wall units. I put them in the kitchen garbage can and continued my cleaning. When he came home he saw them in the garbage, and was so angry that I did not take them out to the dumpster. He said I left them in the garbage can because I wanted to make him feel bad. And now that he saw them, he was really craving a drink! Really? So now it's my job to hide his own empties from him so HE doesn't feel bad? He raged on my that night - nothing physical, just the hateful words. Thankfully, my son was with his bio-dad that night. I realized on Friday that he is drinking a lot more than I thought.

I know I can't continue to live this way. I deserve better, but most of all my son deserves better. When BF is sober, he is kind, loving, sweet, fun and charming. My son adores him when he is sober. But my poor boy just stays in his room when BF is drunk. Why can't I just leave him? I feel like such a loser for loving this man. I know his disease is going to kill him, and I've told him so. He is visiting his mom (she lives a couple of hours away) and he will be back this afternoon. He called me this morning and he had been crying. Told me how much he loves me and just wants to hold me. And more of the same promises to get help. Blah, blah, blah. I'm so sick of it. He doesn't see what his addiction is doing to us. Everything is always my fault. And I'm so tired of walking on those eggshells! I'm sick of being a prisoner in my own home, sick of the hold this man has over me. Why can't I just leave? What am I so afraid of? Good grief, I'm a smart woman, so why have I made such a stupid choice?

I'm rambling. Thanks for taking the time to read. Just trying to find some sanity in my life.
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Old 01-30-2011, 10:13 AM
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hi NBK and welcome to the forum!!!

We're all 'smart' women and men here.

I'm so glad you've decided to join us.
Because now - you're not alone.

As long as you have computer access - we're here.

YOu sound ready to make a plan.
Do you have f2f support? (face to face)
that makes a world of difference
during this time.

I hope you've read the stickies at the top of the forum

and maybe think about contacting alanon?

there's a world of experience here at SR
and someone is here on the forum 24/7 it seems.

I hope you'll stick around
the others will be along in a bit
this is a pretty hopping forum
you needn't wait long.

again - welcome!
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Old 01-30-2011, 10:29 AM
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Hi, and welcome!

He sounds a lot like my alcoholic husband #2 (the first one was sober when I married him and never went back to drinking). I married #2 during a brief period of sobriety (after nursing him through a horrendous episode of liver and kidney failure) because I thought he'd finally "got it". He didn't.

When I was married to #2 my two young sons from my first marriage loved him and felt sad when I left him. Today, fifteen years later, they still speak fondly of him, but they understand why I had to leave. He, too, was a lovely, nice, fun guy when he was sober, but he could be angry, harsh, and hypercritical when he was drinking.

Stick around, you will find lots of support here. I also cannot recommend Al-Anon highly enough. It was my lifeline to sanity when things got too crazy, and helped me stay strong until I was satisfied in my heart that it was time to leave.
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Old 01-30-2011, 10:37 AM
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Welcome. I'm fairly new too. I did leave, but it took a lot longer than it should have. My love for XABF was truly an addiction as strong as his was to alcohol. I wasn't stupid, I was hooked and it took rock bottom to get out. I'm sad, but I'm so glad to be on my own. Already there is a peacefulness in my new home and my kids are so much happier. I still get a "craving" here and there, but realize I can't stop at just one. I'll just respond to one text, sleep with him one last time, pick up the phone just this once....it has always begun the cycle again. So I miss him, I feel bad for him, but my focus is on me and my children now. I could give him all my love and energy and I still won't have the power to change him, but putting that love and energy into my kids and myself makes huge positive changes every day.
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Old 01-30-2011, 10:58 AM
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Welcome to SR! I can relate to your story so well, as can many here. This is a wonderful site - full of encouragement, inspiration and help. Please read everything you can and keep coming back when you feel there is nowhere else to go. You'll get stronger and stronger and one day you'll have all the answers to your questions and be clear on what you need to do for yourself
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Old 01-30-2011, 11:07 AM
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The fact that your boyfriend is an alcoholic doesn't make you crazy for loving him. Many alcoholics are lovable people, so please don't feel bad about it. Loving someone and being able to live with them are not always the same thing, and ambivalence is very common among people involved with alcoholics. The situation can be very confusing. It sounds like you are working through things and considering the needs of your son, as well as yours.

Al Anon can be very helpful, and there are lots of good books available as well.

Good luck. Keep coming back.
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Old 01-30-2011, 11:28 AM
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hi and welcome,
do I really need to tell you that you have a 12 year old who is learning about life from you? And from a raging drunk? And he's hiding in his room? Worried about his mom? Wondering if you think he's important enough to protect?

This sounds so severe, but my heart breaks for your child. You can still be this man's friend/rescuer/girlfriend if you want to, but can you at least get him out of your house so your son doesn't have to bear the consequences of your decisions?

You ARE smart. If you weren't, you wouldn't see what's happening in your home. ((hugs))
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Old 01-30-2011, 11:33 AM
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Wow. This is like reading my own story. I feel your pain. I miss my AXBF so much. There are times that I feel strong and times that I just lock myself in my bathroom and lay on the floor sobbing. I crave getting texts or emails from him; so I know how you feel. I'm still trying to understand how the same person can be so loving and then so cruel. It's so hard. They can be so loving and caring when they are sober. It sounds like you are on the right track. Stay strong and know there are many of us who were fooled. I feel like I'm a smart woman. I'm trying to concentrate on my kids and future too. This site has been wonderful. Good luck.
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Old 01-30-2011, 11:58 AM
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When BF is sober, he is kind, loving, sweet, fun and charming.
I read this a lot here. And I've said it many times myself. In the end I had to finally accept that the raging, abusive alcoholic and the kind, loving guy are ONE IN THE SAME. Same person. It's difficult to accept, I know. But it's a package deal.

When he came home he saw them in the garbage, and was so angry that I did not take them out to the dumpster. He said I left them in the garbage can because I wanted to make him feel bad. And now that he saw them, he was really craving a drink! Really?
Yes. Really. This is how they THINK. As ridiculous as it sounds to you and me and the rest of the sober human race, this is REALLY how their minds work. You play a huge role in this thinking by just making yourself available to him to BE the scapegoat. It will NEVER make sense and he will NEVER see, as long as he continues to drink and shun Recovery. And even then he may not even remember half the things he has thought, said and done.

As an example, my A&AXBF (alcoholic & addicted ex boyfriend) still cannot see that his having sex with no less than three other women during the year and a half we were supposed to "be together" is any reason for me not to want to be in a relationship with him. He has every manner of excuse and rationalization for his obscene, disgusting behavior, without ANY regard for who he hurt by his actions (and it was more than just ME he hurt, there were children involved in these relationships). (Most of his excuses and rationalizations are finger-pointing and blaming others for HIS behavior). And he STILL calls me and tells me all this stupid $hit about how he feels about me, how we are meant to be together (soulmates crap), how he misses me and loves me. I just shake my head.

Why can't I just leave him?
You CAN just leave him. You just keep thinking you CAN'T. Stop that. Start a list and today write down one little thing you need to do to leave him. ONE. Then tomorrow, write down the NEXT thing you need to do to leave him. And every day, DO something on the list and cross it off. There are lists for leaving, in the "Stickies" at the top of this forum to get you started.

I feel like such a loser for loving this man.
Yes, this is what being with these people DOES to us. Makes us feel like losers. STOP IT. You are NOT a loser. Start making a list of all the reasons why you are the OPPOSITE of a loser. Look at the list every single day. Surround yourself with people who KNOW you are not a loser and who are not afraid to tell you all the good things about you that they know. Get rid of ALL people in your life who bring you down or who are toxic.

He called me this morning and he had been crying. Told me how much he loves me and just wants to hold me.
Boo-Hoo-Hoo for him. Too effi'n bad. "Quit acting like a frickin baby and grow a pair," that's what I would say.

He doesn't see what his addiction is doing to us.
Yes he DOES. He just does not care to do anything about it. He sees it very clearly. Why do you think he's calling you crying like a baby saying stupid $hit? Because he KNOWS you and he KNOWS what will get you to STAY.

What am I so afraid of?
Well, if me and nearly every other woman who comes to this webpage are any indication, you're probably afraid of being alone. Or letting go. BOTH are easy once you work up the courage to just do it. LEAP and the net will appear.

Good grief, I'm a smart woman, so why have I made such a stupid choice?
If you go to AlAnon you may find your answer. I did and that's where I found my answer. I'm getting better at making choices in relationships.

(((hugs))) I think you've come to the right place NBK.
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Old 01-30-2011, 12:17 PM
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Thank you all for the kind words. And to Stella, a BIG thank you. You're words made me cry, not because they were severe, but because they are so true. Yes, my precious boy is learning about life from ABF and me. I know I need to remove myself and my boy from this toxic environment. This is no way for anyone to live, especially not a child. But I have to admit I'm scared of leaving. I know ABF will not give me up without a fight. He will make my life miserable no matter what. I don't know what the future holds for me & my boy, but it has to be better than the life I have chosen for us.

And to Learn2 Live - wow, you are so strong. Thank you for the kick in the butt - I really needed that! You're right, I am afraid of letting go. I keep thinking that he will wake up one day and realize what he has in me & that he will choose me over his booze. But I know I will always be second to his "mistress" and that no amount of begging, pleading and threatening to leave is going to change him. And it hurts.
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Old 01-30-2011, 12:19 PM
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Sorry if I was too strong. I am having difficulty with my brain lately.
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Old 01-30-2011, 12:22 PM
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Learn2Live - not strong in a bad way! I meant to say I wish I could be as strong as you!! I've been reading some of your posts and you are amazing!
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Old 01-30-2011, 12:34 PM
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Thanks NBK. Not sure "amazing" is the word for it but I'm flattered. Perhaps "been through it so many times" is more accurate Keep your head up girl, you will get there. This is a really good place to start. Keep reading. (((hugs)))
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Old 01-30-2011, 01:15 PM
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I work with young kids who are dealing with things like your son is. Stella said what I was thinking and what I know.

I explain it to the mom's I work with like this.. if a doctor told you that if your son ate a certain food which made him ill and over time would cause permanent damage, you would do what you could to make sure he wasn't around that food. This situation is the same but instead of food, it is a person in his life (your bf).

I applaud you because you are way ahead of many moms in your situation. So things will get better and once they are, your son will bounce back and be none the worse for wear (kids are great healers with the right support).

Of course you are scared to leave, it happens to most of us when we know things aren't working as they are. But acknowledging that life can't go on as it is is the hardest step.. and your awareness of your son's reactions to boyfriend tell me that you are an awesome mom.. in a difficult situation.



bb.


Originally Posted by NBK View Post
Thank you all for the kind words. And to Stella, a BIG thank you. You're words made me cry, not because they were severe, but because they are so true. Yes, my precious boy is learning about life from ABF and me. I know I need to remove myself and my boy from this toxic environment. This is no way for anyone to live, especially not a child. But I have to admit I'm scared of leaving. I know ABF will not give me up without a fight. He will make my life miserable no matter what. I don't know what the future holds for me & my boy, but it has to be better than the life I have chosen for us.

And to Learn2 Live - wow, you are so strong. Thank you for the kick in the butt - I really needed that! You're right, I am afraid of letting go. I keep thinking that he will wake up one day and realize what he has in me & that he will choose me over his booze. But I know I will always be second to his "mistress" and that no amount of begging, pleading and threatening to leave is going to change him. And it hurts.
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Old 01-30-2011, 03:13 PM
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ABF just called to say he will be staying at his mom's until tomorrow. His acid reflux is acting up again, & has been vomiting all day. I told him his stomach issues are directly related to his drinking, as is the pain in his side, his ridiculously high blood pressure, the sweats, shakes, etc. He said he wished he was home with me because I would make it better. I told him no, I could not make it better, only he could do that. I told him he has to see a doctor to find out how much damage he's done to his liver. Of course, he didn't like hearing that so he said he had to go to the bathroom LOL!

I'm so happy he won't be home tonight. It's been so calm and peaceful all weekend. My son is with his dad this weekend so I've had a lot of time to think. My son will be home in a couple of hours and I'm really looking to forward to just being with him and loving him. This is how life should be, peaceful. But ABF will be home tomorrow and I'm sure the drama will start again. But he's as gentle as pussycat when he having his stomach issues - is it wrong for me to hope he doesn't feel well for a few days? I would never wish harm on him, but he doesn't drink when he's sick.
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Old 01-30-2011, 03:25 PM
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is it wrong for me to hope he doesn't feel well for a few days?
LOL! No, doesn't sound wrong to me!
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Old 01-30-2011, 03:58 PM
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[SIZEI also have a boyfriend/fiance that is an alcohol/addict. We live together. It wasn't long ago where I found hidden alcohol in the house. I remember being afriad to say anything just to keep the peace. The anxiety I felt everyday was over whelming. My alcohol is in AA now. I should be happy but I'm scared. He is newly into recovery. Relaspe is possible. I am going to alanon meeting. I don't have anyone in my life to understand what I am going through.SIZE]
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Old 01-30-2011, 04:43 PM
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Hi Suave - I know what you mean about being afraid to say anything. I'm afraid to say anything too sometimes. I often keep my mouth shut just to keep the peace. I've told him many times that just because I don't say anything, it doesn't mean that I don't know he's been drinking.

My ABF goes to an AA meeting about once a week just to get me off his back for the day. But he never sticks with it. He thinks he can beat the disease on his own. But I know that he can't do it by himself. And I can't be supportive of him if he won't even try.

I've been to 4 Al-Anon meetings. I sat there for the first three, and didn't utter a word. But by the 4th meeting, I was ready to speak and everything just came flooding out. It felt so good to get it off my chest. It's hard for me to get to Al-Anon meetings regularly because their aren't too many in my area. I work full time during the day and I can't leave my son alone with my ABF in the evenings. So I try to go to one every weekend after my son's father picks him up.

Stick with your meetings - they do help. This message board is wonderful. I spent the entire weekend reading posts, and realize I am not alone. I know what you mean about not having anyone in your life who understands - my family doesn't understand either. And his family is in complete denial.
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Old 01-30-2011, 06:11 PM
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Originally Posted by suave75 View Post
I am going to alanon meeting. I don't have anyone in my life to understand what I am going through.
The people in Al-Anon understand what you're going through. So do the people on this board. That's good steps to get to the place where someone does understand.


NBK, don't worry about "rambling," all of us here have times when we just need to talk about how we're feeling, and get things "out" into the open in a safe environment where people understand what we're going through.
My XABF is similar when he drinks... I used to say that in the beginning he wasn't so bad and it escalated, but I've been realizing that the drinking is what escalated, and he was always a mean yelling verbally abusive drunk who blamed everything on me.

It's not your fault that you're in this situation. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. His actions are his own actions and completely devoid of anything you do or any love you have for this man.

Mine is the nicest guy in the world when he's sober, at least most of the time. The people at work love him, he leads a bi-weekly prayer meeting / Christian book club, people go to him for advice all the time about everything. Trouble is, when he drinks, he's different, and he takes it all out on me to the point where I can't be around him, and I question everything he's ever told me looking for the lies and manipulation.

His recovery is his, and his lack of recovery is his own decision.
Your recovery is yours, and it sounds like you're ready to do something about it. Al-Anon has helped me immensely, just by proving to me that I wasn't crazy and that other people understood what I was going through.

You are not responsible for him and his recovery. You are responsible for you and your son, and your recovery. You're not alone, you're not crazy, and you can get through this.
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Old 01-30-2011, 06:20 PM
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Originally Posted by NBK View Post
I'm so happy he won't be home tonight. It's been so calm and peaceful all weekend. My son is with his dad this weekend so I've had a lot of time to think. My son will be home in a couple of hours and I'm really looking to forward to just being with him and loving him. This is how life should be, peaceful.
There's your motivation right there... *hugs*
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