Newlywed needs help
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Go up a few posts and re-read what transformyself wrote It is in fact true.
I mentioned that I've been away for a while. It's because I kept and still think that what I say or how much I pour my hear out to my AW, she will listen and things will get better. It doesn't matter what I say, how I say it or how often I say it. It doesn't matter if I attach strings or take them away. It doesn't matter if it's your husband, my wife, a son, a daughter, the alcoholic does not care what you say. It's an equal opportunity force of destruction. You will continue to see the same behavior from your AH and in such a believable way that you'll start to doubt your own sanity. They do put on the best show you've ever seen and they could all make tons of money as actors.
So this is why I think you have a great opportunity in front of you. You're already not okay with him. If I didn't have a son, I would have moved on. Now that I have a son, I'm figuring out how to move on and take him with me.
Again, this isn't about me but I trust that hearing about my situation and others, you'll be able to find your answers.
I mentioned that I've been away for a while. It's because I kept and still think that what I say or how much I pour my hear out to my AW, she will listen and things will get better. It doesn't matter what I say, how I say it or how often I say it. It doesn't matter if I attach strings or take them away. It doesn't matter if it's your husband, my wife, a son, a daughter, the alcoholic does not care what you say. It's an equal opportunity force of destruction. You will continue to see the same behavior from your AH and in such a believable way that you'll start to doubt your own sanity. They do put on the best show you've ever seen and they could all make tons of money as actors.
So this is why I think you have a great opportunity in front of you. You're already not okay with him. If I didn't have a son, I would have moved on. Now that I have a son, I'm figuring out how to move on and take him with me.
Again, this isn't about me but I trust that hearing about my situation and others, you'll be able to find your answers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Perhaps, instead of waiting to see what *he* does, you can begin to decide what you want to do. Perhaps it's time to take a break, in whatever shape or form is possible at the moment. Putting some physical distance between the two of you may clarify your path for you.
In the last year of my relationship with my XAH, I lived in the back bedroom, and slept there with my baby girl. At first it was only temporary, because DD nursed every 2 hours and XAH snored like a machine...so I needed as much rest as I could get...but as time went on, I realized that I LOVED having my space and that I was most relieved when he was out of the house. Eventually, I hid in that room and he hid in his (or rather, he tried to hide the fact that he was going out and not coming back home more and more). Even though we were still living in the same place, we barely saw each other. That's when I saw that he was relieved not to have me harp on him, write him letters to "make him understand", or monitor how much he drank. And without me interfering, he drank more and more every day. Clearly, his actions told me he was choosing the booze and drugs over me. Heck, he'd ALWAYS done that but I just wasn't ready to see it or accept it.
Would something like this be possible for you? It could also take the shape of a trip someplace, to visit family/friends, and to spend time with YOU.
In the last year of my relationship with my XAH, I lived in the back bedroom, and slept there with my baby girl. At first it was only temporary, because DD nursed every 2 hours and XAH snored like a machine...so I needed as much rest as I could get...but as time went on, I realized that I LOVED having my space and that I was most relieved when he was out of the house. Eventually, I hid in that room and he hid in his (or rather, he tried to hide the fact that he was going out and not coming back home more and more). Even though we were still living in the same place, we barely saw each other. That's when I saw that he was relieved not to have me harp on him, write him letters to "make him understand", or monitor how much he drank. And without me interfering, he drank more and more every day. Clearly, his actions told me he was choosing the booze and drugs over me. Heck, he'd ALWAYS done that but I just wasn't ready to see it or accept it.
Would something like this be possible for you? It could also take the shape of a trip someplace, to visit family/friends, and to spend time with YOU.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
wow, what great words and statements of fact here in this thread.
special kudos to transform and naive.
you guys hit the nail on the head, and naive - was that really me typing in your name??
special kudos to transform and naive.
you guys hit the nail on the head, and naive - was that really me typing in your name??
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
I used to try and talk with my husband about his drinking and I failed miserably time after time because my husband was an alcoholic. That meant that he had a broken brain, compromised by alcohol. His brain had been hijacked by booze and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.
I finally decided to put myself first. I decided to work on getting what I wanted out of living. I did take the time to read and study and learn all I could about alcoholism so I know what I'm dealing with. I spend as much time as I can doing what makes me feel fulfilled and happy.
I keep what I call my Booze Book. It's a combination personal journal and collection of articles that helps me keep focused on my good day. Even though my husband isn't physically abusive, like other alcoholics he has a nasty mouth on occasion. He's a sweetie pie when he's sober.
I'm not stupid. I started a lock box. It's a place I've started stashing cash, important papers etc. should the day ever come that I need to walk out the door.
I urge you to go to Al-anon or get some counseling for yourself.
I will apologize in advance if I am intruding into areas that are none of my business, but do not have a child with this man until you thoroughly understand your situation and know where you stand.
I finally decided to put myself first. I decided to work on getting what I wanted out of living. I did take the time to read and study and learn all I could about alcoholism so I know what I'm dealing with. I spend as much time as I can doing what makes me feel fulfilled and happy.
I keep what I call my Booze Book. It's a combination personal journal and collection of articles that helps me keep focused on my good day. Even though my husband isn't physically abusive, like other alcoholics he has a nasty mouth on occasion. He's a sweetie pie when he's sober.
I'm not stupid. I started a lock box. It's a place I've started stashing cash, important papers etc. should the day ever come that I need to walk out the door.
I urge you to go to Al-anon or get some counseling for yourself.
I will apologize in advance if I am intruding into areas that are none of my business, but do not have a child with this man until you thoroughly understand your situation and know where you stand.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 14
Computer ate my post...sigh
You are young, there are no children, leave. He is not going to get better because of anything you do. You need to decide what you want for your life and go after it.
Don't have children unless/until he is in recovery. Be sure you have some money in an account with just your name on it too.
V
You are young, there are no children, leave. He is not going to get better because of anything you do. You need to decide what you want for your life and go after it.
Don't have children unless/until he is in recovery. Be sure you have some money in an account with just your name on it too.
V
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
newlywed, I FEEL YOU! Ahhh! When I came upon my AH's stash of alcohol and realized I had a problem (one that I was married to!), I was just over 2 years married.
SO MUCH emotion came up around the new decision I had made and how in the world do I UN-make it??!?
So much pain at the loss of the dream and hope and future with him.
We are separated now - not yet divorced. Over a year has gone by since I confronted him.
What I have learned here:
He is who he is.
He is not going to change.
What do I want? Can I accept him how he is RIGHT NOW? No.
Do I have a seemingly endless list of, "if I could just..." or "if he would just..." then everything would be fine?
Oh yes.
Is everything fine?
No.
Will he be all over the map, wonderful, sad, sharing, bitter, sarcastic, minimizing, blaming, depressed, shut down, denying, loving, hopeful and on and on with me?
yes.
Will it change ANYTHING?
No.
Will he be all talk about what could work? Yes.
Will he ever do any of it?
No.
(Until he does, but I am not going to give my life to find out if he ever chooses to change because I see NO indication that he has ANY indication to be ANY different.)
It does not make me a bad person to find his behavior unacceptable.
It does not make him a bad person because he is not right for me.
It does not make either of us a bad person because we couldn't have figured out all of this BEFORE we got married.
It is okay to be divorced.
This has been a slow process for me (you seem quick on the uptake), but he's not budging.
I realize I am the one with the problem (I can't accept his behavior and stay married to him.) He doesn't have a problem with his choices.
Peace
SO MUCH emotion came up around the new decision I had made and how in the world do I UN-make it??!?
So much pain at the loss of the dream and hope and future with him.
We are separated now - not yet divorced. Over a year has gone by since I confronted him.
What I have learned here:
He is who he is.
He is not going to change.
What do I want? Can I accept him how he is RIGHT NOW? No.
Do I have a seemingly endless list of, "if I could just..." or "if he would just..." then everything would be fine?
Oh yes.
Is everything fine?
No.
Will he be all over the map, wonderful, sad, sharing, bitter, sarcastic, minimizing, blaming, depressed, shut down, denying, loving, hopeful and on and on with me?
yes.
Will it change ANYTHING?
No.
Will he be all talk about what could work? Yes.
Will he ever do any of it?
No.
(Until he does, but I am not going to give my life to find out if he ever chooses to change because I see NO indication that he has ANY indication to be ANY different.)
It does not make me a bad person to find his behavior unacceptable.
It does not make him a bad person because he is not right for me.
It does not make either of us a bad person because we couldn't have figured out all of this BEFORE we got married.
It is okay to be divorced.
This has been a slow process for me (you seem quick on the uptake), but he's not budging.
I realize I am the one with the problem (I can't accept his behavior and stay married to him.) He doesn't have a problem with his choices.
Peace
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I do not think you are giving up your marriage, quite the contrary you are making a true effort...he is the one giving up his commitment to you by his actions. Mute the movie and see the actions. It is very very hard. But very telling. I had an XABF once. He drank and did stupid things. Then he cried his heart out. Only to do it again. It is a vicious cycle. Then the abuse starts. The more abusive the relation gets, the more flowers they send. Its a sad dance. A downward spiral as phoenix says.
Therapy and SR have been a life safer for me.
YOU are important, your happiness matters, your future matters, your present matters.
You cannot cure or control him... or anyone. We all have patterns, a personal history, evasion mechanisms, self awareness (or lack of it)... unless he hits bottom and commits to AA or similar program, AND therapy, it will only get worse.
This disease is chronic and progressive. Please hear all the wise people talking to you. You deserve joy and not pain in your life and whoever thinks badly of you for any decision you take isnot a true friend and you are better off without them. Healthy people and friends will support you in many ways. But you have to seek them: therapy, group therapy, Alanon even AA (listening to their side made me open my eyes to what it took for them to hit bottom...and it scared the hell out of me), SR..
You are not alone and we are rooting for you !
Therapy and SR have been a life safer for me.
YOU are important, your happiness matters, your future matters, your present matters.
You cannot cure or control him... or anyone. We all have patterns, a personal history, evasion mechanisms, self awareness (or lack of it)... unless he hits bottom and commits to AA or similar program, AND therapy, it will only get worse.
This disease is chronic and progressive. Please hear all the wise people talking to you. You deserve joy and not pain in your life and whoever thinks badly of you for any decision you take isnot a true friend and you are better off without them. Healthy people and friends will support you in many ways. But you have to seek them: therapy, group therapy, Alanon even AA (listening to their side made me open my eyes to what it took for them to hit bottom...and it scared the hell out of me), SR..
You are not alone and we are rooting for you !
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I do not think you are giving up your marriage, quite the contrary you are making a true effort...he is the one giving up his commitment to you by his actions. Mute the movie and see the actions.
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