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Update---moving out for good.

Old 01-05-2011, 08:37 PM
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Update---moving out for good.

My brother ended up having the time to help me move everything yesterday and I that task is done. I went over there before him and packed somethings (I told his parents upstairs (his landlords) I would be there so they could help me if I needed) and then he joined me later to move.

STBXAH was surprisingly nice to me. He mostly just stayed at his computer watching a show and when I found items that would be up for dispute I was able to ask him whether or not he wanted them and we didn't argue about any of them. It was pretty amazing to be able to get the task accomplished without a struggle and to get along. I am very thankful for that peace and proud of him showing more maturity than I have seen in a long time. However, being able to cooperate and get along for those few hours was very difficult for me emotionally. There were moments when things even felt ok between us and it was hard not to falter in my choices.

I broke down a few times when asking about certain items that related to our travels to Europe or our wedding and who should take them. It felt like as soon as I got my composure back I would find something else that reminded me of the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. He too cried a couple of times and it made it so tough. I need and want to leave and I am CERTAIN in my choices, but that doesn't always make it easy to hurt someone you love and care about. It doesn't help the feelings of sadness and loss.

On the way home, my daughter (5) asked about me moving and I said I was moving because I decided not to go back to live with dad. She was very upset and cried. She asked if we could move back in a couple months and I said I felt I would be happier if we didn't and I explained to her that we both love her. I also let her in on when and how she will be seeing her dad so she could feel more secure. In the end, I think she felt better, but having her be upset was a difficult end to my already emotional day.

Today I got everything sorted and put many of my things in storage and I am now feeling a sense of freedom. I am still feeling some of the sting of leaving, but I think I am doing alright overall.

Also, STBXAH sent me home with a letter...most of it is him complaining that I didn't give him a fair shot and ended ten years too quickly, but the message overall was how hurt he is and that he loves me and that I will forever be his only love and he is here for me. I am trying to decide if I should respond.

I want to explain my point of view to him (yet again) and to tell him that I wish a good life for him. He seems so down on himself and it is really sad how he seems to think he will never have another life now that I am gone (he said he will be on the outskirts of mine seeing my new life because of our kids and that saddens him--it's as if he doesn't think he has a life I will be on the outskirts of). This man used to be so passionate about things, but now the drive to do anything or really to even live life is gone...that hurts and I hate seeing him that way and knowing my part in that. He has been sober more often lately (as he is hiding his drinking more now from everyone--beer bottles hidden in the house tell the truth) and he has times that I think he is aware enough that I could get through, but I am not sure if it is of any use. I guess like all things I will write if it feels right for me, but not to change anything.

It has been a very emotional couple of days. Time to move forward. One step behind me, many more ahead. I feel so strong and so weak at the same time.
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Old 01-05-2011, 09:43 PM
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Here are some big hugs for you Crystal. :ghug3

Also, STBXAH sent me home with a letter...most of it is him complaining that I didn't give him a fair shot and ended ten years too quickly, but the message overall was how hurt he is and that he loves me and that I will forever be his only love and he is here for me. I am trying to decide if I should respond.
this is so tough. My experience is that it doesn't take long for an A to find someone else, a new codie to take up his mantle of martyrdom. I'm not trying to upset you even more, just trying to be realistic.

Of course, if you're focuses on your own life and recovery, it won't matter as much.

I hope you get lots of rest. And laughter. That's important.
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Old 01-05-2011, 09:51 PM
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As a person that is moving toward divorce, I just want to send love your way and say thanks for posting. It makes a difference to see it happen (in someone else's life). It makes it feel do-able.

Peace to you
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Old 01-06-2011, 12:30 AM
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Sending hugs to you and your DD. That was a really hard day. And having to explain it to DD was even harder. You did really, really well.

DS was only 3, but we still went through the same thing. The first day in our own apartment when everything was put away I felt so free. I distinctly remember standing in the middle of the living room / dining room, looking around and SMILING.

If your STBXAH is anything like XAH, sending him a letter won't help him hear you any better. I could have yelled what I wanted him to understand through a bullhorn right into his ear in 1,000 different ways and he still wouldn't have listened.

If you do need to write it all out, TakingCharge has a really good suggestion on other threads of writing the letter and then burning it. While I was at it, I'd burn the letter from him, too.
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Old 01-06-2011, 04:27 AM
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well done, crystal. be gentle with yourself, you've been through a lot.

as for his letter, i found it best to simply toss such letters unopened into the nearest garbage can. that worked really well for me. i remember actually having such "toxic" letter in my car as i drove away and pulling over into a gas station to toss it. i knew if i read it, i would get all involved again and i didn't want that for myself. i realized i didn't care what he had to say. he was still drinking. bottom line.

i agree with transformie that the "poor me" stance might be pure manipulation and if he's like mine, he'll be quick at work to find a new rescuer. mine waited 4 weeks and then had a new live in lover. he told me he didn't even fancy her, but he needed company until i got out of my "mood". he said "well, i waited four weeks!" as if that was some huge period of time.

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Old 01-06-2011, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
Here are some big hugs for you Crystal. :ghug3



this is so tough. My experience is that it doesn't take long for an A to find someone else, a new codie to take up his mantle of martyrdom. I'm not trying to upset you even more, just trying to be realistic.

Of course, if you're focuses on your own life and recovery, it won't matter as much.

I hope you get lots of rest. And laughter. That's important.
Not really concerned if he gets a new lover. I do want to see the best for him and see him get better, but if he chooses instead to move on I think I am detached enough that won't bother me.
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