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Old 01-05-2011, 09:25 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
FindingPeace1
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
newlywed, I FEEL YOU! Ahhh! When I came upon my AH's stash of alcohol and realized I had a problem (one that I was married to!), I was just over 2 years married.
SO MUCH emotion came up around the new decision I had made and how in the world do I UN-make it??!?
So much pain at the loss of the dream and hope and future with him.

We are separated now - not yet divorced. Over a year has gone by since I confronted him.
What I have learned here:
He is who he is.
He is not going to change.
What do I want? Can I accept him how he is RIGHT NOW? No.
Do I have a seemingly endless list of, "if I could just..." or "if he would just..." then everything would be fine?
Oh yes.
Is everything fine?
No.
Will he be all over the map, wonderful, sad, sharing, bitter, sarcastic, minimizing, blaming, depressed, shut down, denying, loving, hopeful and on and on with me?
yes.
Will it change ANYTHING?
No.
Will he be all talk about what could work? Yes.
Will he ever do any of it?
No.
(Until he does, but I am not going to give my life to find out if he ever chooses to change because I see NO indication that he has ANY indication to be ANY different.)
It does not make me a bad person to find his behavior unacceptable.
It does not make him a bad person because he is not right for me.
It does not make either of us a bad person because we couldn't have figured out all of this BEFORE we got married.
It is okay to be divorced.

This has been a slow process for me (you seem quick on the uptake), but he's not budging.
I realize I am the one with the problem (I can't accept his behavior and stay married to him.) He doesn't have a problem with his choices.

Peace
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