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hi im victoria

Old 12-22-2010, 07:47 PM
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hi im victoria

Hello everyone. My name is Victoria. I having a very tough time with life lately. My husband is an alcoholic. We've had our ups and downs over the last ten years, but the last 5 months have been awful. Last night he came home at 2 am. He woke me up to ask me why all the lights were off. Then he woke me back up at 5 because he couldn't find his pants. He had taken them off somewhere and couldn't find them. Next, his phone was wet, and of course it was my fault. I left and went to my parents house for a few hours. He called me and was being very mean on the phone. He was telling me about how I don't respect him. I told him that respect is a two way street. I don't understand how he can think it's okay for him to be completely and totally disrespectful to me, but he still expects me to have the utmost respect for him. His next rant was him saying that he is just a paycheck to me. He told me that our relationship cant be fixed. He said those words. So what else could he be? I would love for things to be good again, but it doesn't look like we are going to get there. He is so mean and cold and unkind. I don't know what to do.
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Old 12-22-2010, 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted by WVVicki View Post
Hello everyone. My name is Victoria. I having a very tough time with life lately. My husband is an alcoholic. We've had our ups and downs over the last ten years, but the last 5 months have been awful. Last night he came home at 2 am. He woke me up to ask me why all the lights were off. Then he woke me back up at 5 because he couldn't find his pants. He had taken them off somewhere and couldn't find them. Next, his phone was wet, and of course it was my fault. I left and went to my parents house for a few hours. He called me and was being very mean on the phone. He was telling me about how I don't respect him. I told him that respect is a two way street. I don't understand how he can think it's okay for him to be completely and totally disrespectful to me, but he still expects me to have the utmost respect for him. His next rant was him saying that he is just a paycheck to me. He told me that our relationship cant be fixed. He said those words. So what else could he be? I would love for things to be good again, but it doesn't look like we are going to get there. He is so mean and cold and unkind. I don't know what to do.
Hello and welcome Vicky. You have truly found a wonderful site, full of good and caring people. The support you will find here will help a lot, I think. It has helped me so much.

I am no expert, but I have learned some things here. First, we cant change the alcoholic. We can take care of ourselves tho, and keep from going crazy. I am sorry that things are so tough for you right now. it sounds like you have been having a hard time for a while.
Do you know about al-anon ? They are meetings for those of us who are affected by an alcoholic .
There are many articles here, which will give you hope and strength, and courage. they are referred to as "stickies" and can be found at the top of the friend and family of the alcoholic page. lots of help there.
Glad you have joined us. you will find much support here. someone will be along soon to offer more.
A lot of what you are going through is confusing, but here you will learn things that will help you to live a life that is good for you.
hugs,
chicory
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Old 12-23-2010, 12:07 AM
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Welcome Victoria!

chicory's advice is excellent. AlAnon has been a huge source of support for me. Your husband sounds like my XAH. Life was so insane that I literally lost myself. I learned that I couldn't change him and it's hard to love someone who doesn't love themself. I could take care of myself. Since I started doing that life has started getting much better.

Stick around and join us. There will be more folks around with some very good advice.
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Old 12-23-2010, 03:07 AM
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Originally Posted by WVVicki View Post
He woke me up to ask me why all the lights were off. Then he woke me back up at 5 because he couldn't find his pants. He had taken them off somewhere and couldn't find them. Next, his phone was wet, and of course it was my fault.
Sounds like G. I think when he's drunk and not feeling well, being waited on hand and foot makes him feel better, and me trying to sleep makes him upset.
"Where's my water?" "I want a sandwich." "Restart the movie, I want to see the beginning." "Why can't you keep my water cold?" "Why is it taking so long for you to go to bed? You take forever to wash dishes." "I don't understand a word you're saying."
He's actually kept me up entire nights, then is actually offended the next day when I start to fall asleep in the car, or when my sentences don't make any sense. ("I forgot to take the dinosaur out of the freezer so we'll have to have television for dinner don't worry about digging the water it's not your fault").

Originally Posted by WVVicki View Post
He called me and was being very mean on the phone. He was telling me about how I don't respect him. I told him that respect is a two way street. I don't understand how he can think it's okay for him to be completely and totally disrespectful to me, but he still expects me to have the utmost respect for him.
G is always telling me that I don't care about him, I made a "jack***" out of him (one of his two favorite words when drunk), I don't respect him, I don't stick up for him...
It's called "projection" - although he won't admit it. He knows he has a problem, he doesn't want it to be his fault, so he'll accuse me of it instead so he feels better. Or he'll yell at me to provoke me until I snap, then accuse me of the same behaviors he's been doing for the last three hours leading up to the snap.
I actually took a swing at him this morning, which is something I've never done before, although I've been tempted more frequently. (Luckily I was too upset to have good aim, and missed. He may frustrate the heck out of me, but I don't want to cause him any physical harm.)

Originally Posted by WVVicki View Post
His next rant was him saying that he is just a paycheck to me. He told me that our relationship cant be fixed. He said those words.
Yep, G again. "Now that the apartment is all squared away and decorated you want me out of your life. I hope you're kinder to the next guy, because you certainly ruined our relationship, and the holidays, and <insert lots of other things here>."

Originally Posted by WVVicki View Post
I would love for things to be good again, but it doesn't look like we are going to get there. He is so mean and cold and unkind. I don't know what to do.
I keep hoping that the G I fell in love with is in there somewhere. When he doesn't drink I see glimpses of him, but I'm too afraid to trust anymore. He has become the master of manipulation, because he doesn't want to be the one at fault. Recognize it for what it is, and if you're in a situation where you're afraid you might do/say something you don't want to do/say, remove yourself from that situation as best you can.

Alcoholics take hostages, I have been reminded this multiple times by a recovering alcoholic here at work. Your first step is to make sure you don't become a hostage, your second is to fix yourself. Easier said then done, yes, but his drinking is not your fault (even if he says it is), and you have to recognize and truly accept that before you can do anything else.
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Old 12-23-2010, 03:47 AM
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Hi and welcome to the SR family!

We are glad you found us.
We are here to support you and encourage you.
We understand living with and loving an addicted person.

Some of our stories are in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the page. I am always finding wisdom, shared by other members, in those posts.

This is one of my favorites and contains steps that have helped me:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 12-23-2010, 08:59 AM
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hi vicky-

any chance you could take a time-out at your parents for a week or so? i found when i got out of the toxic environment of my alcoholic, my head cleared and i could begin to forumlate a plan for how i was going to proceed.

mine was the same as far as interupting my sleeping. and then i just got more and more exhausted.

i know it's the holidays, but he could always come over to your parents house for christmas dinner...and then LEAVE and you can have a good night of sleep!

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Old 12-23-2010, 10:10 AM
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Hi Vicki,
I am new here also, and I have to tell you that even in just the few short days I have been on this site, my own well being has improved. It's funny how most of us on here can finish the sentences for you. My AH's favorite words while drunk are "shove it up for f***ing a**. He also likes to play the victim and talks of how he "fears my wrath" and how I am abusive to him. He has become so lost over the past year and a half...it's literally like his brain is turning to mush. I agree with Naive......try to get out of there, even if it is just for a few days. Clear your head and formulate a plan on where to go from here. In my own personal experience, it only gets worse. I left my AH in September. He is now homeless and appears at my door often. Things aren't perfect yet, but just moving on myself has made quite a difference.
Good luck and peaceful holidays!
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:22 AM
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Welcome-
The good news is that you're not alone. I'm dealing with some of the same stuff at home with my AW. I agree with others that it's a good idea to take a break, even if it's for a few days. Sometimes a few hours is all I need.

Be good to yourself. It's not your fault.
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:37 AM
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WVVicki, I, unfortunately, understand all to well about your emotions of anger, resentment, and total frustration, because I am right where you are.

I have always considered myself an optist but my dry drunk husband has finally been able to wear me down. I've had to accept the fact that he has been mentally abusive to me. He has a double standard, just like it sounds like your husband does. Our husbands are expecting or demanding behaviors from us that they do not model or demonstrate themselves. Last Thursday my DDH had an appointment with his psychiatrist. According to my DDH his psychiatrist told him to start releasing his anger out. So now he is lashing out at everyone with his anger and he's cursing and swearing at everything. Yet I'm not allowed to say anything!

I've been trying to keep my mouth shut, which doesn't please him since he perceives me as not wanting to talk to him. I've tried agreeing with everything he says, that hasn't helped, either. He just jumps on his laptop and becomes obsessed with his game. Yet, when he wants to have a conversation I'm expected to be right there! I've even told him that I was suicidal and needed to be taken to our city's mental health hospital, which he just ignored!

I'm not suicidal......BUT I'm only being held together By the Grace of God!

Sometimes we just got to "Let Go and Let God"!

*******************************
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