TakingCharge999

I met a very active Alanon woman who divorced an exAH and now has a son that is alkie/addict and is now in rehab.

I met a woman with 4 daughters who have an alcoholic dad who recently relapsed. She was very kind and good looking and I wondered why she puts up with so much.

I talked about XABF and cried immediately. I felt dumb but a guy brought me napkins and said everyone that had been there before had cried so no one cared.

It felt good to be honest and say out loud I am angry and not totally over XABF.

I felt guilty talking about my mom and saying my impression is that she is sad, depressed and lonely.

It felt great to talk about Codie no more by Melody Beatty. Now my homework is to re read it.

The therapist guided a meditation where we hugged our inner child. I cried again.

Then we were leaving and the active Alanoner hugged me and told me I was going to feel better. That made me all teary again lol. Man I felt all over the place but I was glad I went anyway.

Then the therapist called me to see if I arrived OK and told me everyone wanted my email to send me motivational messages and support. It was a great feeling.

It was interesting for me because I was comfortable when we were all women but when the two men arrived I felt instantly suspicious and uneasy.

We spoke about codependence and how it is also a disease. I never thought about it being a disease like alcoholism. In any case I felt good something is shifting inside me.

I got tons of homework and so much trash to get rid of.

I realized I have not known the love of a man. Like real emotional presence. Words, presents, financial support but never empathy. I felt really bad for this huge void but more compassionate towards myself, that I don't know it yet but I may know how it feels like one day.

Not that that is the only important thing or dream, but it was huge to get I am just doing what I have seen and have learned. I have distorsions about reality and they can be fixed. That is very good news!

keepinon

That is great news.and a s for the guys so many old timers at alanon have said how awkward THEY felt at first cuz it was all women..that goes away pretty quickly when you realize we are all hurting and just want to get better. You may even get to see what a real loving man is like..bonus!

Live

I think group therapies are great....really benefits from the interactions amongst several

barb dwyer

How great for you.

I loved the part about they called and mailed afterward.

That's why they call it ... support.
takes a bit of getting used to!

TakingCharge999

Yesterday I went to my second group therapy.
I realized I have it very easy compared to others - people who
have recently gone through deaths from one of their parents
have been compared endlessly with their siblings
have been criticized for being brunette instead of blonde (very common down here.. WTF?)
are married and having an affair
are broke after having lots and lots of money

They clapped when I said BF was out of my home. For the first time I said "Hi I am TC999, codependant" and felt great to take ownership of my behaviors.

I don't like that a couple of them feel they are "far beyond" and they try to psychoanalyze everybody - I just want to hear the therapist! but, I take what helps .. and leave the rest..

We made an exercise and sat infront of each other...transmitted our feelings only with our eyes and I was able to feel the exhaustion of the woman infront of me... she is too "hooked" with someone who has been abusive before with her, in the past... yesterday, in just a month after I met her, she looked more peaceful and less engaged with the man, it was great comfort.


There was also another man that told me he hurt seeing me hurt but that we could all move forward and it was just going to get better. The 3 of us held our hands and it was really nice to feel the warmth. When they asked me to picture someone who hurt me I imagined XABF's GF- I cried a lot and felt angry - was encouraged to let it go and leave it there. I did and it was great to arrive home late without having to give explanations and able to process the therapy and rest in silence.

I feel tired this morning but I feel something has shifted.


I felt bad with myself for comparing myself unfavorably with another woman. I realized I am not being fair with myself, am disrespectful towards myself in this way.

The therapist said I am NOT depressed - I am functional - that was good news to me!!

There is much hope out there if one is humble enough to receive it... I am so glad, I am back on this track and realize BF was only a distraction and now that he is out I am back to the "recovery world" and taking it seriously... thanks for being part of my journey...

TakingCharge999

I went to my 3rd group therapy session. So far this I liked the most.

We wrote all the labels we have for ourselves. I wrote many, mostly negative, and found most labels are assigned by myself. Then we burned the papers and gave them to the full moon and asked God to change that energy for something positive.
It felt wonderful and we all hugged.

I also met 2 others that have been abused. One was a young guy about 15. It took courage to say what he said. It really helped me. He was there with his dad.It was so wonderful to see both of them there. Others in the group gave me hope and said they perceive I am sad but they hope I have the hunger to break the depressive habits and find peace.

There was also a meditation and I felt at peace / basically we remembered we are complete and that God created each of us from the best materials, so we could feel the joy that he is, and that we were not meant to suffer, but to enjoy all the abundance and love in the world.

TakingCharge999

Of course I'm broke now, but the therapist told me I could pay her later, and today I got my 1 to 1 session. I am so grateful she is not leaving me out there hanging... but its hard to accept that... although, that's also because I now live alone and have to pay full rent.

There was also a lightbulb moment, lately I have felt overwhelmed by work and the other day my dad was onFacebook...he said "oh how bad.. I love you.. bye" and I was like yeah right he SAYS he loves me all the time but he has been absent from my life for the the last most part of the last 25 years.


There you have my partner choices, lots of quacking and I LOVE YOU's BUT NO REAL SUPPORT, CARING, SHARING, OR EVEN A HUG!! Lightbulb.

TakingCharge999

We also had to complete the following phrases

I forgive my dad for __________
I forgive my mom for ______________
Ï forgive X for _____________
I forgive myself for ________________

I am far away from actually forgiving but it helped to say it out loud as if it was a fact.
A guy said he forgave his mom because she was not aware of the hurt she was causing. She was not evil, she was just unable to see.

I thought about XABF and thought about how for him I left 2 years ago and he has not seen how I felt (well even when I was there crying he didnt really see) so for all he knows I don't give a damn anymore either.

All this time he is not aware of the hurt he caused just like any other alkie. Its not that he has seen me or was able to feel what I have felt, and caused harm anyway. HE is just not able to feel empathy. For me that is easier to forgive. I have to let him go and already feel so much peace and joy when I let him have his own life without any judgment.

Yesterday I heard how he has driven the 8 hour car drive back home and how a common friend preferred to take the bus instead after 2 hours of driving with him. They all say he drives too fast. A coworker was talking about him on and on and talking about how they all went to a cabin.. we were having breakfast so I couldn't leave, but I said.. "drive with him only if you don't care about your life" and realized he is still this immature junior, driving in a highway without giving a damn for his supposed "friends" lives. Drinking like hell and I thought if those actions showed a person that was happy. I decided that they show someone who is miserable. And as they said in the group, people act out like children that dont know how to express their emotions yet. For all I know he may be suffering way more than I am. This closer coworker also said he took a ride with him to place Y and from place Y back to the office, he decided to use a cab instead.

Fortunately that all ended and I did not obssess about that. He has tempted fate since I know him, and many times said "he had no idea" how he got places. He is in God's hands and I am glad I am getting better at ignoring toxicity,mute the movie and just see the actions. There is no love in there just alcohol and reckless driving. What kind of happiness is that? none that anyone with self respect wants to be part of. I realized I am in that group!! that's progress.

Then the therapist told me those guys are like that / look for someone with less self esteem so they can manipulate and control at liberty, and that they end up destroying their partners, and themselves. And that its a compliment NOT to be pursued by someone in a destruction path like that, it means I am not in for self destruction anymore, and that I am listening to my truth.

Overall it was very healing and I am losing my shame about crying infront of everybody. I got to read a book from Louise Hay about self esteem. Got so much to do. I feel hope. I am realizing I feel better when I accept what I feel and take positive steps, give emphasis to the good feelings / denying feelings has kept me stuck for a long time.

Thanks for letting me share

TakingCharge999

What's more I found an Alanon group I can go to on Thursday nights!! far away from home but at least they meet during nights. Good stuff.

naive

thanks for sharing, tc. i actually felt like a burst of pride towards you when i read of your 3rd group therapy. you're doing great.

naive

Jadmack25

I feel so sorry for folks like your XABF who cannot seem to feel empathy, especially with those supposedly close to them. I know some who do feel a twinge of a feeling, and are so scared of facing the full emotion that they are out of there immediately.

Think of your XABF as someone who only feels enough to be half human, and may never come to being able to face himself, as you are doing for yourself.
Imagine only being not being the complete you, and instead of TakingCharge999, you would be takingcharge499 1/2?

TakingCharge999

Thanks Jadmack!! for STILL being here with me...
You guys rule and I pray for all of you everyday.

TakingCharge999

Some info I read has helped me too - about how

-you either grow up in a healthy supportive environment, or in a disfunctional one

If its disfunctional:

- Your emphasis is Evasion (XABF)
- Your emphasis is Abandonment (me..)
And there are others I don't remember

As far as I know XABF has evaded mourning his dead mom, so why would he mourn me?
XABF once told me "my dad never took care of the family and was not much at home anyway, always out with his girlfriend, I hate him". There he is repeating Evasion.

Under that light I felt I was lucky and able to identify with repeating the patterns.

Also I tried to DO what he never did, put myself in his shoes. If I like alcohol and someone doesn't like it, I'll be HAPPY that someone is away from me, right? Its NOT about that someone's characteristics. Its about ME and alcohol. If the other person is X or Y is not relevant.

I dunno. I was just able to see that so clearly, see it SO not personal it was a relief.
God bless Psychology, this kind of understanding is priceless.

TakingCharge999

I have been to another 2 group therapy sessions.

In the first one we worked in couples, blindfolded the other person then walked them through the garden, gave them some cookies/fruit, tickled them with a feather. Then we were blindfolded and received the same "walk through" around. It was about giving/receiving and I realized I have issued with both

I felt anxious the whole time when I was leading the other person, as if I was doing it wrong. Couldn't relax at ALL. And while I was receiving I felt uncomfortable because someone else was giving me time and attention. Ugh. The funny thing is that another young woman felt my same sensations so I felt less alone! she was a very good mirror.

The last group therapy I went to was a long lecture from the therapist about the extreme cases of codependency she has seen in her career. It was VERY scary. We also made huge signs with our qualities on them and will work with them next time. This last time it was only women. I liked that because the therapist could focus on codependency as we are all codies there. We also wrote our patterns and stuff we no longer wanted to carry (I wrote a lot of stuff and "THE PAST" in huge letters!) and then we had a small ceremony burning them. It was wonderful because there is a new woman that had spent all her time doing stuff for others even when ill, and she started realizing her importance as well. Also there are some papers that DON'T BURN! even with alcohol they want to stay and stay and won't go... incredible... but this time the pattern burned quickly and we thanked God for that.

It was also great to have others feedback and they told me I looked better, it was funny because I was quite talkative etc etc and the first times I went I kept crying and couldn't even talk LOL. Very very uplifting and also to see how the expression in others change... to hear how others are healing family relations heal is motivating.


If anyone has the chance to go to a therapy group I recommend it, a one friend says "its like swapping several mosquitoes at the same time"

TakingCharge999

Yesterday we had another meeting. I talked about this in another thread..

We all wrote our qualities on a huge piece of paper (one for each of us). On top we wrote the name we were called as small kids.

Then one of us would go to a corner of the room isolated from everyone else behind a folding screen.

The others would read our sign and say in a loving tone "X is very sensitive, spiritual, intelligent.." and the therapist asked everyone if they thought X deserved good things and everybody said YES and clapped.. it was fun... on the other side of the paper we had written stuff we want to improve for next year so after we went out of our 'corner' we would read those 'resolutions' and post the paper on a wall for everyone to see...

It sounds a little dumb but when it was my turn I cried a lot I could barely say my plans but I liked it that I didn't care that much about the others seeing me cry... by now they are used to it LOL and I have seen others cry too.

The funny thing is that just that day I had decided to wear a really dark mascara and of course my face was a MESS.. so someone got me a wet piece of paper and helped me clean up... after that we cut some images from magazines for next year's plans and stored them in a box.. I enjoyed it very much. Later there was a guided relaxation then we proceed to drink some red wine and munchies, and talk, the funny thing is that after that gathering I was getting ready to sleep and realized my face was still dark and dirty and no one had told me!!!!!!!!!! then I realized no one seemed to care much anyway... this was good for me as I am such a perfectionist and there I was talking normally with mascara on my cheeks ... LOL.

Anyways I felt in good company and a couple of regulars told me they see I have progressed and look more peaceful and it was great to hear that feedback.

Thanks for letting me blog about this here

Live

TC, I always look forward to these posts!

TakingCharge999

Yesterday was also great because a woman who is very Alanonic was going to therapy and I was just arriving so we chatted a great deal while she waited for the therapist to finish.

She had a son that died at age 10.
She said one year before he died, he prepared some thoughts for his confirmation (I hope that is the way you say it in English... a Catholic ceremony..) and in them he said

"It is important to celebrate. What is celebrated is never forgotten"

This was very powerful to me and I almost cried right there with her... how many times I mourn... and how many times do I celebrate?? almost never. That has to change!


I am sleeping way better now (the nights my cats don't decide to jump around suddenly at 3 AM in the morning) and I really feel God sent me there so I could stop running from myself and finally become who I know I am.. (that last one was part of my resolutions, realizing who I really am.)

There is a great healing energy going on at that place, always incense burning, tibetan bells, and I just brought my drums (Indian drums that accompany the sitar.. I am no expert but I like to play the little I know...). There is a huge water fountain too. Finally after wandering in other 6 places I find my own peaceful place.