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Old 12-21-2010, 08:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Intimacy issues with Alcoholic


Thank you to Rayn for suggesting I start a new thread for this ...

Everyone is different but is anyone else challenged with not wanting to have sex with their alcoholic partner? We've been through alot, fertility treatments 10 years ago and alot of drinking over the last 5+ years. I think of him as my best friend but the more I learn, the less healthy I think that is ... I've secluded myself with him, I have no real close friends that I confide in.

So he's been relapsing since Thanksgiving and lack of sex came up in our arguments again - haven't endured that since before his near liver failure and inpatient treatment 1.5 years ago. I'm sure we can all relate to bad relationship times with alcholics but does it get better?? He brings it up as a reason he's unhappy or frustrated but agrees he shouldn't drink. He said when he stops drinking our relationship is no "steamier"; every time he relapses I become an unhappy introvert.

I can't decide if I'm just tired of getting hurt (emotionally) or maybe it is me. We've been married for over 20 years ...

Thanks for listening.
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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This is something I have struggles with too. 1). I don't want it if he's not lucid. 2). I don't want it if I feel guarded. 3). Children make it terribly inconvenient. When I desire it and he's provided a good atmosphere, it's great. But I've gone some long stretches between. Ya, I've struggled with this.
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I've definitely had intimacy issues with my AH. He has often complained about our lack of sex and used it as a weapon, or to deflect attention off of his drinking. I feel that it is just a symptom of the real issue at hand. I really find it hard to feel intimate with my AH when he behaves like a self absorbed drunken fool. He did have a period of sobriety in the past, and it took awhile for me to trust him enough for things to improve in that area and a long string of sobriety especially. I don't think things will ever be like it may have been had he not abused alcohol. Years of his abusive drinking has done a lot of damage. He has been in relapse for 5 or 6 years now, and yea all the nasty behaviors are back. I've been pulling back away from him more emotionally and sex and emotions are united. In fact, I have been seriously considering leaving him. I think fear keeps holding me back. I've been married almost 25 years. So, just saying I can relate and have felt the same things in my relationship with my AH.
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
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After XAH fell off the wagon after his 1st big (60day) inpatient stay... or maybe it was just that I thought he had but he hadn't admitted it (I don't really remember), but I decided I was tired of the advances, tired of the smell, tired of everything. My marriage was pretty much over, but he didn't recognize it.

The tension just got to be too great, and one night I declared a moratorium on sex. Just like that - and I even said it that way. I wanted to be perfectly clear that I wasn't interested, and to not bother. And until things improved, I wasn't going to be interested.

I figure it was sort of like how the UN imposes sanctions on a rogue nation. I had enough power in the relationship (he was never abusive) to just state my intentions, and I stuck to them. Getting it out in the open helped, but then again, I knew my marriage was over and it was only a matter of time.

FWIW...
(I am happily single now, and don't regret leaving.)
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Old 12-22-2010, 12:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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You are not alone. It was a major issue in my marriage for a long time.

I wish I'd have had SR a lot sooner. I spent a loooong time thinking there was something wrong with me, being told there was something wrong with me, trying to figure it out, willing it to be OK. I did not have strong boundaries (or any probably). My xah did not respect boundaries. I could go on and on about the guilt trips he had about not getting laid often enough. I've never hated my xah but I did with that part of our relationship and whats more - I hated myself just as much. My chest is tight as a drum just thinking about it.

Alcoholism destroys so much. Please know this - IT IS NOT YOU. You are normal. Issues surrounding intimacy are soooo typical in relationships where addiction is present. How could they not be?
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Old 12-22-2010, 02:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I'm always surprised that this topic doesn't get more posts on here. I mean, alcohol is well documented to cause, erm, blood flow problems and from this side of the fence, why would I have wanted to sleep with someone who doesn't even seem to like me?

For me, resentment has a major effect on my libido and my ability to let my guard down and be vulnerable with a person. Added to this, the demands that an alcoholic makes in day to day life, coupled with having to pick up the slack where they drop the ball, mean that sex can become just another chore. Why these people don't realize that foreplay starts outside the bedroom and that they'll get more action if they just started being a bit nicer, I will never understand. Whining and demanding is a big fat FAIL on the seduction front, alcoholic or not.

And, of course, it's just something else for them to build their own resentment about, to make it your fault and give a fat, juicy reason to drink.
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Old 12-22-2010, 02:22 AM   #7 (permalink)
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when i first got together with him the problem was with him always excuses oh too much drink not in the mood etc and i used to think it must be me either he stopped fancing me or maybe i picked fights purposely when we were gonna be intimate (this was another excuse) then when he cheated (ironic he could to it with a tart but not with me ) and we got back together i found i couldnt be intimate with him i felt disgusted by his touch even the alcohol kiss repulsed me thank god he had an sti and i got out of ever having to let him touch me again and now hes back with the tart again wonder how that will work as hes not meant to have any unprotected till feb and thats all they ever had dont think they even had a conversation but i digress yes it was always an issue with us from both sides
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Old 12-22-2010, 03:57 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Yes i had problems with this too,i am no longer with him but when i was he would become obsessed with it when he stoped and showed no interest when he was drinking.
I simply was too mad at him to have sex especially after a drinking bout and quite frankly who can blame us.
Unfortunaltly i cant tell you if it gets better as it didnt for me but then everyone is different.

Ghirl xx
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Old 12-22-2010, 06:06 AM   #9 (permalink)
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wow ... THANK YOU so much for your posts. I'm so thankful that I found SR and that everyone can share. I go to alanon, which is great, but topics like this one are more for private conversations.

You touched on al the key feelings: tension, guarded, complaining, no trust, guilt, fighting, disgusted, repulsed, resentment, vulnerable, lots of sadness.

DMC - love the moratorium idea, that is setting strong boundaries! SO happy you are in a good place now.

Bolina - SO true about foreplay! We've had that discussion at home with little positive results. Crazy why that is so confusing to some ...

I really can't thank you enough for your support, as I was feeling like a loser through and through. The last thing on my mind is sex ... so many other challenges and obstacles in my life right now. You gave me more to think about - I'm grateful for that.

You are a great group!!!!
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Old 12-22-2010, 06:20 AM   #10 (permalink)
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It's not your fault. You are not a loser. And just because someone else feels entitled to something from you does not mean that you have to provide it. Oh, and no is a complete sentence.

And share away, that's what this place is here for!
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Old 12-22-2010, 07:11 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Bolina - MORE great advice! Love your comment: "No is a complete sentence" ... that is great (sigh)

Thank You!
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Old 12-22-2010, 07:15 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Ooooh. Good thread.

I used to blame myself. I thought maybe it was the relationship had calmed down and this was my long-term relationship nature? I thought maybe I had "binged out" on him...as I had been a bit of a freak in the bedroom. Then I realized it was the drinking. How can you want to have s*x with someone who treats you bad, says mean things, cons you to pay for dinner...you know the list.

Mine was also addicted to porn. I felt like over time he saw me as an object. Every night he was too drunk to get it up. So all he wanted was morning quickies. And he wasn't interested in any foreplay. No kissing, holding, nothing. He just wanted to lay beside me, touch me to wake me up and then tell me to "get the lube and hop on." There was a time I went along with this...as I said I am a bit of a freak so I don't mind a good emotionless bang occasionally. But at the end of the day, I'm still a woman. I wanted to be kissed, held, look in my eyes. Say nice things. Be "there." Clearly he just wasn't there anymore.

Also, he wasn't taking good care of himself. Dressing

When I finally started refusing, it was met with anger. He felt entitled to me sleeping giving him "morning quickies." He told me I was selfish.

Mine also got weird s*xually. Anyone else experience that? He seemed obsessed with different things at different times. Such as wanting to be seen doing it in public...as a power thing. He wanted people to see him having s*x and thought they would envy him. (I laughed inside...)
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Old 12-22-2010, 07:20 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Yes, I did tell him ages ago though that if he's been drinking, there will be none. So..he's now turned to porn. He'd rather watch porn than stay sober for a night.

I used to get really upset about it, now, it's just another sign of his sickness.
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Old 12-22-2010, 07:36 AM   #14 (permalink)
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So..he's now turned to porn. He'd rather watch porn than stay sober for a night.
I can't believe I hadn't thought of it that way.

I know he had told me that he "didn't feel like dealing with anyone" and if someone did something he didn't like, he didn't care because he could "just go home and j*rk off."

(conversations before we were dating seriously and talking about dating experiences)

--Above I meant to say mine wasn't dressing very well anymore, getting a haircut very often, put on weight and his face just looked bloated a lot. He just looked kind of sloppy and I'm not a picky person nor shallow. I just wasn't that attracted to him anymore. He just seemed like a sloppy, hairy, very loud snoring bear that farted too much.
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Old 12-22-2010, 07:53 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Goldengirl your description of your A cracked me up. Thank you- I needed that today! I too had intimacy probelems with AH who has now moved out at my request. How can you want to be intimate with someone who calls you names - is drunk most of the time - says mean things to you- pees around the house and poops on the floor. I don't know about you but that to me is a real turn on! He knew towards the end to not try anything or he would draw back a stump- literally!
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Old 12-22-2010, 08:15 AM   #16 (permalink)
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It's not simply using porn instead of stopping drinking - drunk people have sex all the time. It's "would rather use porn than actually see you as a human being with thoughts and feelings and a right to be respected and worth making a modicum of effort for".
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Old 12-22-2010, 08:18 AM   #17 (permalink)
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There you go bolina, thank you! that put it into much better words than I did.
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Old 12-22-2010, 08:36 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
He just seemed like a sloppy, hairy, very loud snoring bear that farted too much.
I needed a good laugh this morning...this cracked me up. :rotfxko

I always say that the only man I want in my life has four legs, snores, farts, burps and leaves hair all over the house. Well, I have the four legged dog and the two legged male versions.

The dog does not drink and loves me unconditionally while the 2 legged one loves me with conditions such as demanding sex when he drinks and lashing out at me when I say no.
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Old 12-22-2010, 08:49 AM   #19 (permalink)
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I can't enjoy sex with someone I don't respect. XAH lost my respect a long time ago.
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Old 12-22-2010, 08:51 AM   #20 (permalink)
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A few thoughts - The porn was a problem with my AH too. He was totally addicted to it-bad cheesy porn too which when I snuck and saw it made me laugh out loud. I also felt like his intimacy was so detached - there was no real romance - it was all for him - which was not much fun for me - I just wanted it over when we did do it and and would fake it lots to speed up the process. Remember that Seinfeld episode when Elaine said "Fake Fake Fake Fake Fake". That was me- got good at it . Anyway- I get more intimacy from my greyhound from us snuggling and loving and kissing and just enjoying each other's company than I ever did from AH. I will take the four legged hairy creatures anyday!
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