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Old 12-22-2010, 09:56 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Agreed, but also with drunks in general...

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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
I can't enjoy sex with someone I don't respect. XAH lost my respect a long time ago.
...they are just disgusting to me. How on God's green earth can I possibly have sex with them? The Cyranaok Sex Machine (CSM) doesn't even work in those circumstances-- it won't even start. Barring some bizarre fetish, I don't understand being attracted to any drunk under any circumstances.

Even before AW, even in college, when I was out partying drunk girls were just pathetic to me, and I wanted to get laid as much as anybody. Believe me, my standards were not that high.

Because they are so pathetic, and so full of self-hatred, they will always be offended and lash out when you don't want to be intimate. Nevermind that they chose not to be available for intimacy when they took the first drink. They want the sex because it tells them you will still put up with their ******** no matter what.

During her drinking days my wife accused me, among other things, of:
  • cheating on her.
  • being gay.
  • being gay and cheating on her.
  • being asexual.
  • being impotent.

Believe me when I tell you, there were times I wished I were all of those things, especially cheating on her. She basically robbed me of the possibility of a rewarding and intimate sex life from 35 to 45, and the CSM is not as powerful as it used to be. The days of it running 24/7 are long gone. Don't get me wrong, it still works and is more sophisticated than it used to be, but it does need to rest now and then.

Today we are enjoying six months of sobriety on her part and, what do you know, our sex life has returned. Why? Because her lengthy sobriety has made her attractive to me again. It turns out I'm not gay, asexual, or impotent. Who knew?

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
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Old 12-22-2010, 10:17 AM   #22 (permalink)
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I got called away earlier, but Cyranoak, I was going to make the same point of you about how sad (and other words!) it is that so many people are missing out on great sex AND being blamed for it.

I said earlier that "no is a complete sentence". But perhaps "No, I don't fancy you" is more applicable in this scenario. Pretending doesn't help (and makes me really sad to hear about) and also is a form of enabling, I think. Admitting that you aren't attracted to a drunk and someone who is disrespectful is NOT a failing. Leave the ball in their court.

I think that some people have taken those articles that say that no sex is bad sign in a relationship and taken it to heart, yet turned it on its head so that as long as they are having sex, then things can't be that bad. And then, if the partner can be persuaded to have sex once in a while, all is hunky dory. My flesh is creeping as I type this.....
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Old 12-22-2010, 11:21 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Quote:
I can't enjoy sex with someone I don't respect. XAH lost my respect a long time ago.
Yup. The last 8-9 years of my marriage, I put up with it because if I didn't, he would punish the kids by being explosively irritable. I did it, I hated it, it hurt me probably more than anything else I exposed myself to from him.
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Old 12-22-2010, 12:53 PM   #24 (permalink)
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It's not simply using porn instead of stopping drinking - drunk people have sex all the time. It's "would rather use porn than actually see you as a human being with thoughts and feelings and a right to be respected and worth making a modicum of effort for".
I know that. I was just recognizing someone's point.
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Old 12-22-2010, 03:19 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Goldengirl your description of your A cracked me up. Thank you- I needed that today!

I never laughed so hard!!

How can you want to be intimate with someone who pees around the house and poops on the floor. I don't know about you but that to me is a real turn on!
OMG! that is too funny, and yea, what a turn on...mine just never got his up...for anything...DEAD HORSE....LOL
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Old 12-22-2010, 03:25 PM   #26 (permalink)
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I gotta say this...poops on the floor? really? LOL.
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Old 12-22-2010, 03:35 PM   #27 (permalink)
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By the time I left my XAH, I had been told so many times I was frigid, I actually believed it. I was resigned to the idea that I had reached the age (I was 43 at the time) where I no longer had an interest in sex. I thought "that part" of my life was in the past.

Imagine my surprise a year or so later when I started feeling sexy and having "urges!" Looking back now, it seems ridiculous that I had sentenced myself to a life without sexual intimacy. And that's just one example of the many things I believed about myself that turned out to be untrue.

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Old 12-22-2010, 05:01 PM   #28 (permalink)
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oh god when i read all these posts it makes me think about how repulsive exabf could actually be!

I remember when we first started out and i told him where to go when he tried it on, so he lay next to me and done the dirty deed to himself!! And me? yes me stuck around for only much worse things to come or rather not!!

Ghirl xx
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Old 12-22-2010, 05:33 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
..
During her drinking days my wife accused me, among other things, of:
  • cheating on her.
  • being gay.
  • being gay and cheating on her.
  • being asexual.
  • being impotent.



This happens all the time.... I just laugh now.
It used to hurt my feelings a lot. I got over it.
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Old 12-24-2010, 07:45 AM   #30 (permalink)
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self love baby....*I think I have shares in the ENERGY BATTERY*teehee
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Old 12-24-2010, 08:05 AM   #31 (permalink)
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I forgot to add that mine got very angry when I stopped sleeping with him. He told me I "withheld s*x." I contually told him that there was nothing in it for me and he might as well have been with a call girl but he insisted that I "withheld s*x and you know how important that is to me."

whatever. It's as though no one else matters or is even there.
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Old 12-24-2010, 10:43 PM   #32 (permalink)
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SOOOO grateful for all the posts on this thread! I've read and re-read many times ... each time gives me more strength and seems to reduce his precieved strength in the situation. This site and forum are awesome ... so thankful for all of you and to be a part of it - my Christmas gift to myself! Happy Holidays
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Old 12-24-2010, 11:27 PM   #33 (permalink)
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I can completely relate to this post. After having a good sex life (really good) I married xah. Let's just say aside from the lack of desire to desire someone that wasted, the selfishness even when he was not wasted made me realize there was never going to be a time there would be any intimacy and realized there would not even be adequate sex. I just turned myself off.

I was not holding out or punishing him (I had been accused of that). I was also called frigid. Heartless. Unable to love (yeah, let's just say when your view is the ceiling and you start thinking--peach, yeah I think I'll paint the ceiling peach you sort of know you just want it to be over).

Just think 14 years of crappy sex or no sex-I cannot believe I did not have an affair. But like I said--I just shut it off. It was easier than being frustrated or disgusted.

So when I left I was concerned that part of me really had died--until recently when I discovered it was alive and back to normal.
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Old 12-25-2010, 07:05 AM   #34 (permalink)
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So when I left I was concerned that part of me really had died--until recently when I discovered it was alive and back to normal.
LOVE YOUR POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to see the "wow" guy again!! yipee! Thank you Hoop - great to know I can find it again and that I'm not broken. Thanks!! :


(Well ... couldn't find the "wow guy" but thought fireworks were appropriate!!)
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