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Thoughts plz....

Old 11-29-2010, 06:32 PM
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Thoughts plz....

OK...so while thinking about my relationship with my AH, I have let myself someone slip and think there is a possibility that we could be togehter...why would I want that I'm not sure...I'm working on that.

1. Today he said, "It doesn't matter to me, I could not be married to and be ok." When he said this, what occured to me was WHY can't I say that?? why can't I be okay with that after all that has happened?? Codependency is part of it which I am working on, but wow....it seemed so easy for him to say.

2. When we were talking I asked him if he thought he would ever quit drinking. He said he didn't think he could and that it is a disease so I shouldn't expect it, he can't help it? Thoughts on this....?? He said that he shouldn't have to live w/ conditions that I am not his mother. My only response to this was I am not telling you what to do, just telling you what I don't think I can live with.

3. Lastly, I told him if we were ever to reconcile that he could not treat me badly and call me names. Again, he said that I am not his mother and how could I put conditions on him? I said that I could not live like that, and that it was his choice?

So basically I said if you are going to drink and call me names, then I can't live that way. I didn't tell him he had to stop, just what I would/wouldn't do. Am I thinking of this wrong? Help me out if you have any thoughts??
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Old 11-29-2010, 06:48 PM
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So let me get this straight

1. He has said he will be ok if he wasnt married.
2. That he cant give up drinking because he cant help it
3. He will continue to call you names and treat you badly - if he wants to and you cant tell him otherwise.

Are your boundaries clear enough?

1. You are thinking there is a possibility that you could be together!
2. If he drinks you wont live that way
3. If he calls you names you wont live that way.

Both of you are talking but neither of you appear to be listening to each other or its alien speaking.

He quite cleary says that he is going to continue to drink, continue to call you names and will be quite happy to be single. He is also throwing in some alcoholic bulls**t and a key phrase about you not being his mother. (this probably upsets you, stumbles you and gets used a lot - I am guessing)

If your boundary really is that you cant live that way - what are you going to do next?
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Old 11-29-2010, 06:50 PM
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Originally Posted by FreeingMyself View Post
So basically I said if you are going to drink and call me names, then I can't live that way. I didn't tell him he had to stop, just what I would/wouldn't do. Am I thinking of this wrong? Help me out if you have any thoughts??
I think that's exactly right. The big question is whether you mean it or not. It seems he is telling you, in no uncertain terms, that he WILL continue to drink and call you names. So, why would you even entertain the idea of reconciliation?

L
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Old 11-29-2010, 06:57 PM
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"So basically I said if you are going to drink and call me names, then I can't live that way. I didn't tell him he had to stop, just what I would/wouldn't do. Am I thinking of this wrong? Help me out if you have any thoughts?? "

My thoughts, since you asked , as long as you put your money where your mouth is and stand behind your word, as difficult as it WILL be, you're heading in the right direction. My ah FOUGHT my detachment and boundaries harder than he's ever fought before. But I stood my ground on my shaky legs and didn't budge. I realized I could only control me; my choices, my reactions, my life. Noone else's.

I wish you strength.

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Old 11-29-2010, 07:09 PM
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The thing is, you know him. You know how he treats you and has treated you these past years. He is telling you that nothing is going to change. He is telling you that he can take you or leave you. It doesn't matter to him one way or the other. He's telling you that if you reconcile, nothing is going to change.

You told him what you can't live with. Sounds to me like you are saying that you can't live with him being him. Do you mean that?
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Old 11-29-2010, 07:29 PM
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Originally Posted by FreeingMyself View Post
and think there is a possibility that we could be togehter...why would I want that I'm not sure...I'm working on that.
Help me out if you have any thoughts??
Keeping working on that part.

(((Moni)))
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Old 11-30-2010, 01:04 AM
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Originally Posted by FreeingMyself View Post
When we were talking I asked him if he thought he would ever quit drinking. He said he didn't think he could and that it is a disease so I shouldn't expect it, he can't help it? Thoughts on this....??
Hi FreeingMself

He clearly doesn't acknowledge that the consequences of his drinking are serious enough yet. Until he does, there is no real possibility that he will quit. Around half of alcoholics never quit and only 1 in 20 will do so sometime during the next 12 months so it may be best not to hold your breath.

We tend to be vilified because we seem to behave so unreasonably. I have seen so many posts where people say "he is always going to choose alcohol as his first love over you". In my experience, this is simply not the case. Unfortunately there is very little rational choice going on. We are not waking up in the morning and thinking "do you know what, I think I'd really like to be an ar**hole today"

Personally, I do not adhere to the idea that alcoholism is a disease. It seems that about 1 in 10 people are genetically susceptible to alcohol addiction and actually process alcohol differently than "normal" people. I recently read some excerpts from a book about the chemical changes going on inside the vital organs of an alcoholic which explain WHY they appear to get angry so easily and WHY they find it so incredibly difficult to quit etc. I recommend that anyone who is around alcohol abuse should spend half an hour reading this.

Originally Posted by FreeingMyself View Post
He said that he shouldn't have to live w/ conditions that I am not his mother. My only response to this was I am not telling you what to do, just telling you what I don't think I can live with
Unfortunately ultimatums are like a foreign language to an alcoholic. Actually worse than that in my case, it was almost like an affront. The only thing that worked for me was when my wife did the talking with her feet and just didn't come home one time. Actions would seem to trigger some recognition on our radar. "Crickey, she is actually serious about this. I had thought she was just wanting to chastise me (just like my mother used to)!" It still took me another 2 months before I took action about sobriety and I am still a very long way from being out of the woods.
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Old 11-30-2010, 01:19 AM
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Originally Posted by FreeingMyself View Post
1. Today he said, "It doesn't matter to me, I could not be married to and be ok." When he said this, what occured to me was WHY can't I say that?? why can't I be okay with that after all that has happened?? Codependency is part of it which I am working on, but wow....it seemed so easy for him to say.
It's probably easy for him to say because he's not really connected with his emotions any more. Or he was trying to hurt you. Or both.

Originally Posted by FreeingMyself View Post
2. When we were talking I asked him if he thought he would ever quit drinking. He said he didn't think he could and that it is a disease so I shouldn't expect it, he can't help it? Thoughts on this....?? He said that he shouldn't have to live w/ conditions that I am not his mother. My only response to this was I am not telling you what to do, just telling you what I don't think I can live with.
Well. It doesn't sound like he's ready to stop drinking. He's found his trump-card. It may be true, it's a disease, but he's leaning on it as an excuse to not even try to work towards recovery.

Originally Posted by FreeingMyself View Post
3. Lastly, I told him if we were ever to reconcile that he could not treat me badly and call me names. Again, he said that I am not his mother and how could I put conditions on him? I said that I could not live like that, and that it was his choice?
He has a problem with treating some one in a decent manner?! And considers that an unreasonable condition? What a sh-t. (Sorry for the name calling. No, wait. I'm not sorry for that.) Would he treat his mother badly and call her names? Either way, if he thinks it's OK to treat his wife that way - what a sorry piece of work.

Originally Posted by FreeingMyself View Post
So basically I said if you are going to drink and call me names, then I can't live that way. I didn't tell him he had to stop, just what I would/wouldn't do. Am I thinking of this wrong? Help me out if you have any thoughts??
No way are you wrong.
Detaching is hard. Setting and enforcing boundaries is hard. If it weren't difficult, there'd probably be no reason for SR or Alanon. Hang in there.

Wishing you peace and continued strength.
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Old 11-30-2010, 04:20 AM
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I normally wouldn't reply, but this guy sounds exactly like my husband was about 2 months ago. He told me he simply didn't want to be with me. He said I was boring, we were too different, and all I did was sit on the couch and come up with ways to make people hate him.

I've also heard "its a disease baby, I'm sick." While he took another swig. The best way I can think to put it is this: that's like a diabetic saying "I have a disease so I can't stop eating sugary candy." Because you have a disease, you have LESS of a right to drink.

Back to the reconciliation, I tried to reconcile with him multiple times. I would cry, beg, wimper, explain just how "sad the situation is." And he would usually deny me, until he eventually said something small I wanted to hear, something I could hold onto.

One day, when his drinking was so bad he couldn't pick me up from work (I just had surgery on my knee and I couldn't drive) because he was too drunk to even answer his phone, I walked home on crutches. I called my mom crying, and she came and picked me up from two states away the very next day. (I'm glad she did because I wouldn't have left on my own)

Long story short, he continued to drink until he could not stop because of fear of withdrawals. He was AWOL from the Army, and was out of options. He woke up at 4am on a Sunday with audial hallucinations, and drank the bottle of lysterine to postpone the withdrawals.

He ended up in the hospital, and is suffering severe punishment from the military. They sent him to a month long in-patient rehab which he opted to go to. He has since turned around and has been sober for the longest time in 10 years.

And it all started with me walking out. Had I been there to rescue him, he may not have realized how bad his drinking had become. He had to reach that terrifying low when he wanted out but couldn't get out. I eventually did rescue him by calling 911 and having the EMS take him to the hospital, but it was only after the repricussions had already been set into place.

He's back from rehab now, and we're already living a much happier, healthier life together. I really hope you have the strength to walk out and let him hit bottom. I don't like how a lot of people here tell you to "leave the slob, girlfran!" There is still hope if your husband is still drinking. I stayed in touch with my husband the entire time this was happening, in which he begged me to return, but I only went back to him when his life was in danger and he truely wanted to stop.
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Old 11-30-2010, 05:00 AM
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Originally Posted by FreeingMyself View Post
So basically I said if you are going to drink and call me names, then I can't live that way. I didn't tell him he had to stop, just what I would/wouldn't do. Am I thinking of this wrong? Help me out if you have any thoughts??
You are not wrong. You know what you need. What you want. What you can live with. Hang on to that. You are right!! You are still spinning on the Merry Go Round and that makes us confused. The reality and the wishful thinking spot in your head is not lining up. There is a long history with this man. He is mean and awful to you and your kids. He is an alcoholic. In his case, his actions actually do match his words. He has no intention or desire to get sober or get respectful, decent and caring any time soon.

Keep working on yourself. You are making progress. Honor your boundaries, keep yourself and your family safe, and keep the focus on you.
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Old 11-30-2010, 01:16 PM
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Wish I had something more to say than Hang in there- You are strong - You deserve to be treated well! I am in the same boat and the name calling and the "mother" comments are pretty standard it seems. We all know what we can and can take. It takes some of us longer to figure it out than others
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Old 11-30-2010, 02:40 PM
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He said he didn't think he could and that it is a disease so I shouldn't expect it, he can't help it?
This says to me that he does not want to quit. And when someone does not want to quit, they likely will not quit, sad to say.

He said that he shouldn't have to live w/ conditions that I am not his mother.
This is a very immature way of thinking. THIS is how he thinks. It is very difficult to get someone to change the way they think. I'm willing to bet that most of us here have tried.
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